Kaleidoscope
by Ruan Chun Xian
Summary: Kaleidoscope: a continually changing pattern of shapes and colours. See Chapter 1 for Contents Page. 42: Marriage, Zi Wei soon found, consisted of putting up with your significant other's habits from dawn to dusk. Every single day.
1. Kaleidoscope

A series of unrelated one-shots, following widely different parts of the HZGG timeline. I had a prompt list to begin with, but by now I'm just writing as inspiration hit me. Basically this will be a collection of HZGG fanfics in one-shots. Includes AUs, outtakes from longer fics, crossovers etc.

I'm aiming for 100 fics. But we'll see how things go. Here's a quick table of contents:

**1. Introduction - Kaleidoscope**

**2. Beginning** - Xiao Yan Zi must say goodbye to Ming Yue and Cai Xia but with every ending, there is a new beginning. – _Xiao Yan Zi_

**3. Prince** - Yong Qi shows Zhi Hua's servants a prince's authority. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi, Zhi Hua_

**4. White **- The morning after his wedding night, Yong Qi has a rather awkward conversation with Ling Fei... – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi_

**5. Trust **- The day after Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi found out the truth about her parents, Yong Qi and Zi Wei talk. – _Yong Qi, Zi Wei_

**6. Paper** - …or the ramblings on being a fictional character. – _Yong Qi_

**7. Drama **- Coming back from war with Burma, Yong Qi discusses Xiao Yan Zi and Zhi Hua with Qing Er, setting in motion the whole fiasco of "Zhi Hua stupidly throws herself against furnitures to gain sympathy from Yong Qi who is just too nice and doesn't believe she did it on purpose, thereby picking a huge stupid fight with Xiao Yan Zi", otherwise known as episodes 29-30 of HZGGIII. – _Yong Qi, Qing Er_

**8. Promise **- Sometimes, Qian Long wondered at his sanity at the time when he betrothed Xiao Yan Zi to Yong Qi. – _Qian Long, Xiao Yan Zi, Zi Wei, Yong Qi_

**9. Red** - Kind of a sequel to _White_. Talks of wedding. Zi Wei recalls the first wedding she attended, when Xiao Yan Zi played Robin Hood without the band of merry men. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Zi Wei_

**10. First** - For Yong Qi, Xin Rong was a series of first. – _Yong Qi, Xin Rong, written while the remake was still in development, not remake canon _

**11. Crazy** - The mutant plot bunny and what became of it. An outtake from _The Prince and Me_, a crossover with _Twilight_. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Er Kang_

**12. Night** - _"I think Xiao jie couldn't sleep, she keeps tossing and turning. Only Xiao Yan Zi can sleep in this situation, she's even snoring." _~ Jin Suo – _Zi Wei, Xiao Jian, Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi_

**13. Winter** - Yong Qi teaches Xiao Yan Zi to appreciate snow. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi_

**14. Sword** - The morning after Yong Qi and Zhi Hua's wedding. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi_

**15. Horse** - And now, for something a little different. During the crucial moments that formed the love between Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi, there was someone watching it all. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi_

**16. Fight** - Three Character Classic, a fight and a first meeting. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi_

**17. Destiny** - Sometimes a little deception is necessary, even if you are defying Heaven, because your engagement is at stake. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi_

**18. End** - Until now, Yu He never allowed herself to admit that the most foolish thing she'd done in her whole foolish life was allowing herself to love him. – _Xia Yu He, Qian Long, Zi Wei_

**19. Tradition** - We only keep the traditions we want to keep. Outtake from _The Unforeseen Complications of Leaving_. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi_

**20. Father - **Just when Emperor Qian Long gave himself up for lost in that summer fire, the Fifth Prince did something very brave and very stupid: he rushed in to save his father. Qian Long could not be more displeased. – _Yong Qi, Qian Long_

**21. Gold** - Our favourite prince contemplates his princesses. – _Yong Qi, Xiao Yan Zi, Zi Wei_

**22. Mystery** - As Yong Qi is made Rong Qin Wang, he is given his own residence and there Xiao Yan Zi finds some rather interesting artifacts. A _Bu Bu Jing Xin_ crossover. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi, Ruo Xi_

**23. Secrets** - Forgiveness is a virtue, but it's not something we're born with. – _Xiao Jian_

**24. Conceal **- In which birthmarks are discovered, and the author tries to keep the chapter rated PG-13. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi_

**25. Letters** - Selected correspondences from Beijing and the Chinese army in Yunnan. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi, Zhi Hua, Zi Wei_

**26. Green** - Sometimes, Jin Suo really hated Xiao Yan Zi. – _Jin Suo_

**27. Name** - A season of courtship, and Xiao Yan Zi ponders the merit of "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi_

**28. Spare** - Er Tai was used to being the spare, even in love. – _Er Tai, Yong Qi, Er Kang_

**29. Pain** - The first conflict, so to speak, of Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi's marriage. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi, Zi Wei_

**30. Home** - On a trip to Xiao Yan Zi's place of birth, Yong Qi stumbled on the key to a part of her past that even Xiao Jian did not know. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi_

**31. Black** - Princes of the Ai Xin Jue Luo clan are not known to have the best relationships with their father. – _Hong Li, Yong Qi, Mian Yi_

**32. Together** - Dawn was much too early an hour to wake up when you were newly-wed and that sunlight was deceptive. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi_

**33. Family** - Mid-Autumn. Zi Wei and Yong Qi both have father crises and then there's Xiao Yan Zi's disturbingly warm friendship with Xiao Jian thrown into the mix. What results is some sibling-bonding. –_ Yong Qi, Zi Wei_

**34. Loss** - Swords and spears have no eye and war did not spare anyone but there is comfort to be found in the most devastating of losses. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi, Qian Long_

**35. Precious** - How Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi came to have twins in the imperial household records. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi_

**36. Broken** - He came home to a world that was in pieces. Er Tai tries to take his mind off his brother's death by fixing his best friend's marriage, with questionable results. – _Er Tai, Xiao Yan Zi_

**37. Blue** - Xiao Yan Zi once met a strange man with a blue box, who introduced her to adventures. – _Xiao Yan Zi _

**38. Cold** - This was not how Er Kang wanted to spend his first wedding anniversary. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Er Kang_

**39. Palace** - The inner palace was a battlefield of a never-ending war where weapons were insincere smiles and pretty faces. Zhen Huan finds herself forced down memory lane when Xiang Fei arrives in Beijing. – _Lao Fo Ye _

**40. Sister **- Zhi Qin saw all the unhappiness in her sister's marriage that she refused to see just by witnessing one side of it. – _Zhi Hua, Zhi Qin, Yong Qi_

**41. Deceit** - Prequel to _The Unforeseen Complications of Leaving_. Yong Qi always thought you had to actually care about the person who betrayed you for it to hurt. – _Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi, Zhi Hua_

**42. Marriage** - Marriage, Zi Wei soon found, consisted of putting up with your significant other's habits from dawn to dusk. Every single day. – _Zi Wei, Er Kang _


	2. Beginning

_A/N: In the Qing dynasty, palace maids served in the palace until they were 25 years old, after that they were allowed to go home with a small dowry. _

_At the end of HZGG2, Qian Long says that Xiao Yan Zi's servants would stay at Shu Fang Zhai and she'd get new ones when she married, but some fanfic writers and the people who made HZGG3 just ignored that, so I'll ignore it too. _

* * *

**I. Beginning**

* * *

_Xiao Yan Zi must say goodbye to Ming Yue and Cai Xia but with every ending, there is a new beginning._

* * *

It was early one summer morning when Xiao Yan Zi summoned her two maids, Ming Yue and Cai Xia, into her room after all their morning work had been completed.

"Well, Ling Fei called me in to talk yesterday, and it would seem that your time in the palace is nearly over, and in a month, you can go home and we will need to say goodbye," Xiao Yan Zi smiled at them as they stood before her, not without a little sadness.

"Ge Ge," Ming Yue said, as Xiao Yan Zi held out her hands and took each of theirs in hers, "can we not stay with you for another couple of years? Neither of us want to leave you."

They had entered the palace at exactly the same time Xiao Yan Zi had and directly assigned to her household. The years they had been together had been more than enough for Xiao Yan Zi to grow partial to both of them and she hated to part from them now. But she also knew they have dedicated their lives to her in the last seven years and now was their chance to live their own lives. As much as she loved to have them with her, she knew she could not be as selfish as to hold them back from the lives they deserved.

Xiao Yan Zi sighed, "I would love to have you with me, but it wouldn't be fair to you. You deserve your own lives, not spend all of it serving me. You've held back enough of your life, but now you can go home to your family and get married. Be sure of it, you've been so much joy and comfort to me all these years, I will make sure that your dowry settlements are adequate."

"We don't want to get married," Cai Xia said stubbornly. "We want to stay here with you. Truly, Ge Ge, you've been so much like a big sister to us. We were very fortunate to be assigned to you, we would never had gotten a better mistress anywhere else. We don't even care about the money, just to be with Ge Ge is all we want."

Xiao Yan Zi shook her head sadly, "No, girls. And I think you will think differently when you are out of here and see your family and friends again. I will miss you both dearly, but I will not let you stay longer. I can't, anyway, without a good reason. But don't despair, it's not as if we won't ever see each other again. If any time you need me you can always send me messages through Jin Suo, or even Zi Wei and Er Kang. And I will visit you as often as I can. In fact, I expect an invitation to both of your weddings."

"You speak of our weddings as if they're sure things, Ge Ge," Ming Yue giggled.

"You will get married eventually, girls, I am sure of it."

"Or we might just stay single because you and Wu Ah Ge have set us the standards that we should look for in a marriage and we will never find anyone to love us as Wu Ah Ge does you," Cai Xia said, a tad impertinently, which made Xiao Yan Zi laugh.

"That statement is a sure sign you've been around me for too long and need to move on."

A fortnight before Ming Yue and Cai Xia were due to leave her, Xiao Yan Zi met with her new maids in Ling Fei chamber. Without an empress in the palace, Ling Fei was now practically in charge of the inner court. Xiao Yan Zi's new maids were to be two young girls of fourteen, cousins by birth, named Ai Lian and Su Yun. They just a year younger than Ming Yue and Cai Xia were when they first came into the palace. Xiao Yan Zi could not say much of them in her interview with them; they were so timid at the meeting that she could not get more than the required answers out of them.

"Don't worry, Xiao Yan Zi, they're always that fearful of meeting their new mistresses when they first come into the palace," Ling Fei assured Xiao Yan Zi when they were left alone later.

Xiao Yan Zi had no plan for her maids for be terrified her, especially when they were going to be tending to her most private needs, and hoped that later when they come into her service, she'd be able to make them feel a little more at ease by showing them that she meant them no harm. She had befriended Ming Yue and Cai Xia from the beginning of their time with her and that had resulted in a friendship and understanding between them that made them almost like sisters. Xiao Yan Zi hoped to gain that same comfort and, more importantly, loyalty she found in Ming Yue and Cai Xia with her new maids.

"I suppose it should be expected," Xiao Yan Zi sighed. "I do hope they'll learn to relax later though."

Ling Fei smiled and took her hand affectionately, "I am sure they will. With a mistress like you, they'll eventually realise how lucky they are. I can only hope they don't abuse your kindness to them."

Xiao Yan Zi smiled. Then she suddenly remembered her other purpose to meet with Ling Fei that day.

"Niang Niang, I have a favour to ask."

"What is it?"

"I know you're in charge of arranging all the discharged maids' dowry portion but I was wondering if I might add some of my own extra contribution to Ming Yue and Cai Xia's shares. It would all come out of my allowance; I never use up all of my allowance as it is and I don't see a point leaving the money around. I would like to add to Ming Yue and Cai Xia's shares to improve their condition after they left me. They mean a lot to me, Niang Niang, they've been there for me for the most trying times. I really want to do something for them as they've done everything for me."

Ling Fei looked a little reluctant. "I understand your wish, my dear, and I must say I commend your kindness to them. I just wonder how it will be talked about if it gets out that they were so favoured. It might cause a lot of discord among the other maids."

"We don't have to announce it, we don't have to record it, do we?" Xiao Yan Zi insisted. "Can I do it at my own discretion, and you just have it put in the records that they received the same as the other maids?"

"Very well," Ling Fei agreed. "But I do not want to know how much you're giving them, that's for you to decide as it's your money. Then I can really say on the record that all the palace is giving them is what is due to them."

"Thank you, Niang Niang."

The time for Ming Yue and Cai Xia to leave came quickly. Two days before they were due to leave the palace, Ai Lian and Su Yun came to Jing Yang Gong where they were shown about the place and Ming Yue and Cai Xia were able to orientate them to their new duties. Ming Yue and Cai Xia also took pain to assure Ai Lian and Su Yun that Xiao Yan Zi was a kind mistress as they could find. Indeed, what they saw of her in their interview and their orientation day already gave them a glimpse of what Ming Yue and Cai Xia said, so that by the end of that day, they were little more at ease with their future mistress. They have yet to see much of their master, Wu Ah Ge, as on that day he was busy all day with state matters with the Emperor.

The day for Ming Yue and Cai Xia to leave was bittersweet for Xiao Yan Zi. She didn't even have to do much convincing to get Yong Qi to allow her to personally take Ming Yue and Cai Xia home, on the condition that Xiang Deng Zi and Xiao Zhuo Zi went with her. Yong Qi , aside from being rather frond of the Ming Yue and Cai Xia himself because of their loyalty to Xiao Yan Zi, knew how much they meant to his wife and could not under any circumstances see any reason to stop her seeing them home. He would have gone with her, just to put his mind at ease of her safety, if Qian Long didn't require his attention. He was at last a little more assured when Zi Weiwas to go with Xiao Yan Zi. To Xiao Yan Zi, it was only fitting that the six of them, part of the big family at Shu Fang Zhai, were to go on this journey together and see Ming Yue and Cai Xia home. When they arrived at Ming Yue and Cai Xia's home, the two girls could not resist inviting their surrogate family to meet their real family - or rather, just their father, who lived these years with companionship and care of neighbours. It was here that Xiao Yan Zi presented to them the gifts she had prepared for them and hid in the carriage, which was well over their dowry portions. Though both Ming Yue and Cai Xia had tried to refuse, no avail. Throughout the visit, all of them tried to keep good cheer on the journey for each other's sake. But the time finally came for Xiao Deng Zi and Xiao Zhuo Zi to take the two princesses home and none of them could keep back tears as they parted.

Meanwhile, in the palace Ai Lian and Su Yun had started their term. With their mistress away most of the day, and the master busy as well, they were confined to making acquaintance with the rest of their servants of the household. This was a daunting task, considering the tension that existed between Xiao Yan Zi's servants and Zhi Hua's servants. Indeed, only Wu Ah Ge's loyal eunuchs Xiao Shun Zi and Xiao Gui Zi made efforts to welcome the two new maids, as they had the sense to know that the master would expect that much of them.

Their first duties only came later that night as they prepared their mistress for bed. Xiao Yan Zi kept them in her dressing room longer than this task necessitated, however, and struck up a friendly talk with them to get to know them better. By the time Xiao Yan Zi dismissed them, both Ai Lian and Su Yun were able to appreciate that their mistress was everything kind and that they were lucky to be assigned to her.

"How did you find the new maids then?" Yong Qi asked Xiao Yan Zi as they settled down that night.

"I think we'll get along just fine. They still seem a little nervous but I'd be surprised if they weren't. The palace is a daunting place."

"They are very young," Yong Qi mused. "I wonder if they might be a little pliable to manipulation..."

"Well, they are no younger than any maid just starting to serve in the palace, Yong Qi ," Xiao Yan Zi said defensively. "I'm sure even despite of their youth they will know what is right and wrong. We may just need to caution them a bit."

"Caution...yes. Either way, I'll have a bit of a talk to them tomorrow about what I expect from them here."

"What _you _expect?" Xiao Yan Zi raised an eyebrow. "They are here to serve _me_, Yong Qi ."

Yong Qi smiled. "I know. But they are part of my household, Xiao Yan Zi. I would rather we start out with them knowing exactly what I want from them."

"What exactly _do_ you want from them?"

"You shall see. Though I would rather have them think I am talking to them in private tomorrow, Xiao Yan Zi."

Xiao Yan Zi wanted to ask him more on what his talk entailed but Yong Qi would not be convinced to reveal anymore to her and she was forced to wait till the morning.

The next morning, after Yong Qi had returned from the morning court audience, he summoned Ai Lian and Su Yun to his study.

"You wanted to see us, sir?" they mumbled almost incoherently as they entered the room.

Yong Qi almost laughed. The two poor girls were obviously terrified of him, though under the circumstances, Yong Qi could not blame them. He took a moment to gather himself before speaking in a serious tone, but tried to not sound too intimidating.

"Yes. First of all, you will need to speak up and coherently. Second of all, there is no need to be so fearful, I just want to make it clear to you what your positions in this household will entail. Now, firstly I hope you have settled in to your duties without much trouble."

Here, he paused to receive their mute nods.

"You are here to serve Huan Zhu Ge Ge, and details of your work will not interest me at all. I don't care to know how you arrange her clothes or brush her hair, but if you are to be walking around my house and be close to my wife and her rooms, there are things that I want us to understand about each other. I will expect your absolute confidence on everything that goes on in Ge Ge's rooms. Not one word of any conversation you may overhear will make it pass your lips to anyone, no matter how unimportant it may seem. Anything you see going on in these rooms will remain in these rooms. No matter the inducements you may be offered or receive, I demand that you strictly keep our confidence and not betray them to anyone. And by anyone, I mean any other persons of this household as well, including the other servants and Wu Fu Jin. You will find that Ge Ge and Wu Fu Jin has two different households and I do not expect you to work with Fu Jin's maids. You are here to wait on Ge Ge and they are to wait on Fu Jin. You will keep to your separate positions. I do not forbid you from making friends or be friendly with them, but under no circumstances will being friendly entail gossiping about our private dealings. Do not assume that I will not learn of it, because I will. If anyone tries to bribe you in any way to get you to give them information of our activities, you will report it to me. Should anyone of higher power try to threaten you with abuse to force you to report on our activities, you will report it to me. I shall expect complete loyalty from you, and if you prove yourself to be loyal, both Ge Ge and I will do everything in our powers to protect you from such abuse. You loyalty will earn our trust and respect, and with that, our protection and good will, which will benefit you more in the long run than any immediate gratification. Remember, you are to be here until you are released, do not give us any reason to be unhappy with you. I require from all my servants the same discretions, and any disrespect to our privacy will result in your immediate dismissal. Are we clear?"

"Yes, sir."

"If you receive abuse or any problem from the other servants in this household, you will take your problem to me or Ge Ge, but preferably myself, as Ge Ge have her own reservations about interfering too much with Fu Jin's servants. Do not let discords brew. I do not want a war between my servants, therefore you will either solve your problem among yourselves or report them. Understand?"

"Yes, sir."

"You will also find that Ge Ge will be inclined to treat you with kindness and a gentle hand." Here his voice was softer. "I hope you realise your fortunate position and do not abuse it. Do not think as kindly as Ge Ge treat you now, that she is not capable of wrath. Any act of disloyalty to Ge Ge that results in her disappointment in you will result in such punishment from her that you will not need to worry about any from me. You will not find a kinder mistress in the palace than Ge Ge, so count your blessings."

"Yes, sir."

"Do you have any further question?"

"No, sir."

"Very well, you may go."

After the two maids have left, Xiao Yan Zi emerged from an inner room where she had hid to listen to Yong Qi 's talk, or rather, monologue.

"Yong Qi ," she admonished, "you will scare them to death."

"Well, they are still alive as far as I can see," he answered, offhandedly.

Xiao Yan Zi frowned.

Yong Qi sighed and took her hand, saying more gently, "Xiao Yan Zi, really, I know it sounds harsh to you, but it is vital that I make all that clear to them. I will not risk having spies in my household. It's bad enough that I have to put up with Gui Mou Mou who was forced on me. I will not have them in a position so close to you. As I said last night, they are very young, and new to the palace, pliable. They need to be reminded of who they are serving and who they owe their loyalty to. You were very fortunate with Ming Yue, Cai Xia, Xiao Deng Zi and Xiao Zhuo Zi. They were good enough to be unconditionally loyal to you and came to you at a time that no one felt the need to spy on you. It would have been very easy for them to have been led astray when you were so naive when you first came into the palace. You will be surprised how attractive a few silver ingots can be as inducements for servants to open their mouth. Trust me, Xiao Yan Zi, I've had more than my fair share of servants who put their loyalty in other places that I'd rather not take chances."

Xiao Yan Zi sighed, "If you say so. But I just feel if we treat them with enough respect we'd earn their loyalty."

"It is a two way thing, Xiao Yan Zi. It is with their total loyalty that they earn our trust and respect and vice versa. Either way, their entering our service commands some loyalty to us. I'm not saying you can't be nice to them. I do not believe in using brute force as a way to demand loyalty anymore than you do, I just want to warn you that you can't trust them implicitly until they earn it."

"You didn't have this talk with Ming Yue, Cai Xia, Xiao Deng Zi and Xiao Zhuo Zi when they first came to Jing Yang Gong though. Nor with Zhi Hua's maids."

"I actually did talk to your lot before we got married. You were with Ling Fei then, I came to see you but you weren't home. But really, with those four, they were so loyal to you already that it wasn't necessary." He chucked. "In fact, it's quite clear that if there was ever a question of a choice between their loyalty to you and me, they'd choose you over me. It's rather infuriating if we're fighting and they take your side but at least they place their loyalty in the right place. As for Zhi Hua's maids, well, they come from Ci Ning Gong with Gui Mou Mou, it's obvious where _their _loyalty lies. Nothing I say will change it, though I did warn them in the beginning, so I just have to put up with it. More the reasons that I should make it clear to Ai Lian and Su Yun who exactly they are serving."

Later that night, when they were helping her ready for bed, Xiao Yan Zi asked of her new maids.

"Well, how was your first full day? I hope Wu Ah Ge didn't scare you too much with his speech this morning."

"No, Ge Ge," they both said, but Xiao Yan Zi wasn't sure they were being entirely honest.

She chuckled. "Really, there's no need to be intimidated by Wu Ah Ge. He's usually not so stern though I suppose he did want to give you that impression. He means well, though."

"Yes, Ge Ge."

"I hope you will learn to be at ease around us. You attend to my most intimate needs, I would not have you fear us."

"You are very kind, Ge Ge," Ai Lian finally ventured to say.

_Finally, more than two words together_, Xiao Yan Zi thought to herself.

"If you have any problem or question, don't hesitate to come to me, all right?"

They both nodded.

"How are you getting along with the other servants?" Xiao Yan Zi asked kindly.

They seemed to hesitated, and Xiao Yan Zi had to press them again before they would speak.

Su Yun answered, "The eunuchs are friendly, Ge Ge, but Wu Fu Jin's household..."

"Ah," Xiao Yan Zi said in understanding. Then she sighed. "Gui Mou Mou can be a little daunting, I understand, girls. While she is ranked higher than you, I will stress that you are in my household and she has no authority over you without my permission. By courtesy if she asks you do something small, you could comply but if she makes you do anything you don't feel comfortable with, or abuse you in anyway, you are to come to me, or Wu Ah Ge, all right? How about the maids? I don't suppose they were too friendly either?"

"No, Ge Ge, but maybe that's because we're new," Su Yun said hesitantly.

"Not likely," Xiao Yan Zi said dryly. "But that can't be helped. Well, you shall find friends in the eunuchs at least, I hope. And I hope we can become friends as well. I want to treat you like family here, after all, you are here to take care of me and I will likewise take care of you. So don't hesitate to come to me with any problem, all right?"

"Yes, thank you, Ge Ge."

With that Xiao Yan Zi dismissed them for the night.

Ai Lian and Su Yun eventually come to love their mistress as much as Ming Yue and Cai Xia did for her kindness, her treating them as equals. Though Xiao Yan Zi did not become quite so close to them as she did for Ming Yue and Cai Xia, she still treated her maids with the friendliness and kindness that was her wont and won their utmost respect and loyalty. They in turn earned both Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi 's trust and goodwill, so that by the time they finished their time, they too, like Ming Yue and Cai Xia before them, received more than they expected of their dowry portion. And it would begin again, and it was universally acknowledged that any maid to be assigned to Huan Zhu Ge Ge's household would be fortunate indeed to be serving such a kind and generous mistress.


	3. Prince

**II. Prince**

* * *

_Yong Qi shows Zhi Hua's servants a prince's authority._

* * *

Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei were talking about the latest letter they just received from Xiao Jian in her bedroom when there was a sudden crash of broken china outside the room, then the sound of something hitting against the door frame. They rushed outside to find Cai Xia slumped against the door, her temple bruised and bleeding. Ming Yue was helping her stand up. At their feet was a mess of broken china and spilled tea. Gui Mou Mou and Zhi Hua's maids, Yu Er and Yin Er stood observing the mess.

The noise also made the eunuchs rushed in to see what was the matter.

"What on earth happened?" Zi Wei asked as Xiao Yan Zi was too busy seeing to the cut on Cai Xia's face.

"We were about to bring tea in to you, Ge Ge, and we found Gui Mou Mou, Yu Er and Yin Er outside eavesdropping on your conversation. We approached them and they turned around and startled us, making us drop the tray. Then Gui Mou Mou slapped Cai Xia so hard that she hit against the door," Ming Yue said, looking at the old woman accusingly.

"Gui Mou Mou," Xiao Yan Zi said angrily, glaring at the older woman, "I'll thank you to keep your hands off my maids. How dare you lay a hand on either of them!"

"Ge Ge, they were careless enough to make such a mess on the floor, of course I had to punish them!" Gui Mou Mou said haughtily.

"You are here wait on Fu Jin and you might have Yu Er and Yin Er under your command but you don't have any right to discipline _my_ servants. Besides, what were you doing listening outside of my room?"

"I was just passing by," Gui Mou Mou said in the same haughty and mocking tone, "and stopped to rest. I cannot help if I heard some of your conversation. I dare say Lao Fo Ye will find what you were talking about interesting." She looked at Xiao Yan Zi in a way that clearly implied, _What are you going to do about it?_

"How dare you!" Xiao Yan Zi said, incensed. "You think I will not dare do anything to you, do you? You think you can strut around here because you have Lao Fo Ye's protection?"

"Indeed, Ge Ge. For you don't have authority to punish me either," Gui Mou Mou said. Even Zi Wei looked scandalised at her audacity.

"Gui Mou Mou, you should not speak so to your superior," Zi Wei admonished.

Gui Mou Mou did not say anything but the look on her face implied she did not think Xiao Yan Zi her superior. Xiao Yan Zi draw up her full height and looked down at her. She was about to say something before her husband's voice sounded out.

"What's going on?"

Yong Qi had just walked into the scene with Zhi Hua in tow. The servants hastily bowed to him while he surveyed the situation before him.

"I asked, what's going on?"

No one answered him. Xiao Yan Zi held back an exasperated sigh, but she was very reluctant to deal with the matter now that Zhi Hua and Yong Qi were home, since she did not want to get into conflict with Zhi Hua. If she was left to deal with Gui Mou Mou on her own she would, but she had no intention of pulling Yong Qi into the middle of it.

"Xiao Shun Zi," Yong Qi asked of his eunuch, "what's going on?"

Xiao Shun Zi sneaked a look at Xiao Yan Zi. She tried to shake her head at him but Yong Qi said sternly, "I asked you a question, Xiao Shun Zi. What happened?"

Xiao Shun Zi shot Xiao Yan Zi an apologetic look but had no choice by obey his master and told him the situation.

Yong Qi closed his eyes and counted to ten as Xiao Shun Zi finished his account. He was in no mood to deal with Zhi Hua's infuriating servants today, busy as he was with state matters lately. Yet he could not push them aside, as this had gone on long enough. His grandmother may have thought he would just meekly accept having spies planted right in his house but enough was enough. He refused to be made a fool of in his own home or have Xiao Yan Zi endure such disrespect. He would gladly deal with Lao Fo Ye's displeasures _later_, but he would not be the prince his grandmother no doubt wanted him to be if he just _let_ Gui Mou Mou walk all over his authority in his house.

He opened his eyes and looked sharply at Gui Mou Mou, "So to sum it up, you were eavesdropping on Ge Ge's conversation and when Ming Yue and Cai Xia found you, you struck Cai Xia to the point of injuring her. Then you were insolent to Ge Ge. Very well."

Gui Mou Mou looked like she would like to say something but the venomous look he shot her was enough to shut her up. Even Zhi Hua did not know what to say, for Yong Qi rarely spoke in such dictatorial tone with his servants. He certainly commanded authority within the household but with a less fierce and fear-inducing attitude.

He sighed and spoke to Ming Yue, in a softer tone, "Ming Yue, take Cai Xia inside and see to the cut on her face. If need be, call for tai yi. Xiao Deng Zi, Xiao Zhuo Zi, clean up this mess. Everyone else, outside in the main hall."

Xiao Yan Zi's servants moved to do what he ordered but Gui Mou Mou, Yu Er and Yin Er did not seem inclined to move. Even Xiao Yan Zi looked at him with eyes that wanted to stop him doing whatever it was he planned to do. Yong Qi just silently shook his head sharply at her. Then he turned to everyone else and ordered in a commanding voice that made them cringe and obey immediately, "_Now_!"

As Zhi Hua, Gui Mou Mou, Yu Er and Yin Er scurried out to the main hall with Xiao Gui Zi and Xiao Shun Zi, Xiao Yan Zi came forward and took Yong Qi's arm. "Yong Qi, it's all right, let's not make a huge deal out of this - "

"No, Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi said firmly. "This had gone on long enough and I've had enough. I will not have this going on in my household, not while I'm master here. Come on, outside."

Xiao Yan Zi shot Zi Wei a resigned look as they made their way out to the main hall as well.

Outside in the main hall, Yong Qi sat down on a chair while the servants stood before him. Xiao Yan Zi, Zhi Hua and Zi Wei were all too nervous to take their seats and stood around him.

He glared hard at Gui Mou Mou, Yin Er and Yu Er and said in a fierce, cold voice, "Gui Mou Mou, Yu Er, Yin Er, I will have you know Jing Yang Gong is not a theatre. It's not a place for you to hear whatever you please and see whatever you please and bandy it about. I have cut you a lot of slack out of respect for your coming from Lao Fo Ye's household but I will not condone your eavesdropping and spying and reporting private dealings of this household to Lao Fo Ye or anyone else any longer. You will do well to remember where and who you are serving. I have warned you from the beginning of your service here that I command my household to respect our privacy and you have obviously overstepped the boundaries of those warnings. Do not think I will not punish you for it."

Gui Mou Mou stood tall and said arrogantly, despite the fact that Yong Qi was looking at her with a deathly glare, "Wu Ah Ge, pray tell, what did we do wrong? If Lao Fo Ye commanded us to report, where are we wrong? Are we to disobey Lao Fo Ye's orders?"

Yong Qi said in an even, but commanding voice, "You obey Lao Fo Ye's orders, does that mean you disregard my orders? You are serving in Jing Yang Gong now and I demand that you show according respect to authority in this household. That includes all due respect to Ge Ge, who is your superior in this household. Do not think this is Ci Ning Gong where you have all powers, Gui Mou Mou. You are here to wait on Fu Jin and as such, _that_ is _all_ you will do. You have no authority over any other servants other than Yu Er and Yin Er here. Anyone caught eavesdropping, spying and passing information of private actions in this household to outside will be caned until they cannot walk to pass on those information. Shall we start with you three then for your conduct this morning?"

"Wu Ah Ge," Gui Mou Mou talked back, but fear was creeping into her voice, "you have authority in your household but just wait until I tell Lao Fo Ye that the two Ge Ge were discussing this morning, and we shall see what Lao Fo Ye makes of that."

Yong Qi slapped his hand hard on the table and anger flashed in his eyes, so that Yu Er and Yin Er flinched, but Gui Mou Mou was arrogant enough in Lao Fo Ye's protection not to. "Xiao Gui Zi, Xiao Shun Zi, prepare the punishment, take Gui Mou Mou, Yu Er and Yin Er out and give them fifty strokes each." Then, in a mocking voice, he said to Gui Mou Mou, "You are welcome to go to Ci Ning Gong after I am done with you. I am afraid you might have to crawl all the way."

Zi Wei, Xiao Yan Zi and Zhi Hua all looked at Yong Qi, startled, but he did not give any sign that he was not serious and the eunuchs silently obeyed and pulled down the bench and cane. Meanwhile, there was a little fear in Gui Mou Mou's eyes now while Yu Er and Yin Er were trembling.

"We are under Lao Fo Ye's orders, Wu Ah Ge, you will not dare."

"_I will not dare_?" Yong Qi thundered as he stood up, making everyone flinch. "Do not _presume_ to tell me what I dare or dare not do! I will not let my servants run themselves in this household. I don't make idle threats, Gui Mou Mou. Perhaps this will show you who is in authority here, you or I!"

As if on cue, Xiao Gui Zi and Xiao Shun Zi came back to inform him that the benches were set up and they awaited his orders.

"Xiao Gui Zi, Xiao Shun Zi, carry out the punishment!"

At that Gui Mou Mou lost all pretense of confidence and together with Yu Er and Yin Er, they knelt down, kowtowing profusely and slapping themselves. "Please, Wu Ah Ge, have mercy! We do not dare anymore!"

Yong Qi let himself have a moment of satisfaction that he had reduced them to this and had made his point known but his face remained stony. Zhi Hua must have realised he was serious about his punishment as she spoke up, voice panicking, "Yong Qi, I beg you would reconsider. Even when beating a dog we would have to consider its master. After all Gui Mou Mou, Yin Er, and Yu Er come from Lao Fo Ye's Ci Ning Gong. I beg you to consider Lao Fo Ye and have mercy on them."

But Yong Qi would not be prevailed to revoke the order, though it still had not been carried out. Zhi Hua looked wildly around when Yong Qi would not heed her plea while Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei exchanged astonished look. They have not seen Yong Qi exert such authority over his servants before.

"Zi Wei Ge Ge, Jie Jie, surely you can persuade Wu Ah Ge to not do this. They are not worth begging for, but perhaps for Lao Fo Ye's sake..."

Zi Wei, with her good heart, decided to take pity on them and turned to Yong Qi, saying, "I think you've made your point known, Yong Qi, surely there's no need to go through all this trouble." Then she turned to the kneeling servants and chastised, "And you three, you should take care in the future to know your place. After all, adaptation is vital, this is not Ci Ning Gong."

"They cannot be spared," Yong Qi said coldly, though in truth he was waiting for the person with most right to ask for their mercy to speak up. "They will not heed my words if they think I will not act on them."

"Indeed, we will not dare doubt your threats," Gui Mou Mou cried and Yu Er and Yin Er went out of their way to agree profusely, still kowtowing.

"Jie Jie, _please_," Zhi Hua looked desperately at Xiao Yan Zi, who shifted uncomfortably. Of course, she did not like Gui Mou Mou, Yu Er or Yin Er but at that moment she did feel sorry for them. Sighing, she took Yong Qi's hand and said gently, "All right, all right, let's not make such a big deal out of this. I know you've been busy lately and this must be irritating but let's let it go. They're not worth you taking this much trouble over them." She looked at Yong Qi, shaking her head slightly.

Yong Qi looked pointedly at the servants kneeling before him before glancing pointedly at Xiao Yan Zi as well. Gui Mou Mou knew exactly what he was demanding of her. For a moment she looked as if she just swallowed a lemon but then she did manage to apologise to Xiao Yan Zi with reasonable grace and beg her forgiveness.

Yong Qi sighed heavily but looked sternly at the three servants in front of him. "This time you will get away with it, thanks to the two Ge Ge. Next time, do not expect me to be so lenient."

With a wave of his hand, he dismissed the servants. Zhi Hua stayed for a moment, before mumbling something about having something to do and went away to her rooms.

Xiao Yan Zi turned to Yong Qi warily, "You really wouldn't have beaten them, would you?"

"They would have deserved it if I did," Yong Qi said, irritated.

"But would you have done it?" Zi Wei asked.

"You two would stop me. But next time I'm not so sure that I would listen to you."

* * *

_A/N: This chapter is based largely on a similar scene in HZGG3, one of the few scenes that Yong Qi actually defends Xiao Yan Zi against Zhi Hua and her meddling servants (I am still so disappointed in the characterisation of Yong Qi in HZGG3, can you tell? :P) Anyway, for this chapter, I changed the scene a bit and explained Yong Qi's thought process._

_The timeline: This happens before the war, before they told the truth about Xiao Yan Zi's family to Qian Long, so talking about Xiao Jian still had to be done in secret._


	4. White

**III. White**

* * *

_The morning after his wedding night, Yong Qi has a rather awkward conversation with Ling Fei..._

* * *

Whatever Yong Qi had imagined his wedding night to be like, it was probably not like this. After they had managed to get rid of their spying friends outside their door, Xiao Yan Zi had given a wide yawn which made her immediately clap a hand over her mouth and widened her eyes, horrified. Yong Qi had to turn away to hide an obvious smile on his face.

"I'm sorry!" Xiao Yan Zi apologised profusedly after she regained ability to speak again. "I - oh Heaven - "

Yong Qi could not help a small chuckle, though her yawn had chucked all the plans for that night out the window. She was obviously exhausted, and he could not blame her; she must had been up at the crack of dawn. Fixing the mix-up of the brides had taken a long time and tt was very late. There was no time for him to do everything he wanted to make this night perfect for her. In fact, her yawn reminded him, too, that he had been up for a long time, not counting the lack of sleep from anticipation the night before.

He took her hand gently and said, "It's all right, it's very late, and there are so many things that we will have to do tomorrow morning as well. We should probably get some sleep."

It didn't matter. She was his wife. He would have a lifetime with her. He had waited this long for this marriage. He could wait another day. He hoped.

"Are you sure?" she asked hesitantly, her eyes still wide, and he detected definite nervousness in those eyes.

Yong Qi nodded, "It's nearly morning as it is, Xiao Yan Zi."

He led her to the bed, where it didn't take them long to give in to the exhaustion and fall asleep.

* * *

It would naturally take Yong Qi a shorter time to get ready in the morning than Xiao Yan Zi. While Xiao Yan Zi was still getting her hair done, he went to the study to wait for her so they could have breakfast together. If he stayed, he would just end up staring unabashed at her, which apparently made her rather flustered in front of the maids.

When the door of the study opened, he turned, expecting his wife, but instead, the person who walked in was Ling Fei. She had a very worried expression on her face, and was holding a tray with a piece of silk fabric on it. A _pristine white_ piece of silk.

Yong Qi struggled to keep his expression neutral as he recognised the fabric for what it was. How could he had _forgotten_? How could he had missed it last night among all the red? Oh dear Heaven!

He could barely made out a proper greeting to Ling Fei while his mind was whirling with the questions that would come.

"Yong Qi!" Ling Fei exclaimed on seeing him. Then she nodded slightly at the fabric on the tray. "Maybe you might explain this better than Xiao Yan Zi?"

Oh Heaven and earth!

"You – ah – you asked Xiao Yan Zi about this?" he asked nervously.

"Yes, and it seems she had no idea what I was hinting at," Ling Fei frowned. She looked like she was biting back impatience.

"Well, yes," he stammered. This was not a conversation he ever wanted to have with Ling Fei. They had done nothing wrong, but still, it was awkward.

_It could have been worst. I could be having this conversation with Lao Fo Ye._

The idea made him cringe, but Ling Fei seemed to misread that expression.

"Yong Qi?" she asked, visibly alarmed.

"Oh. I'm just thinking…as awkward as giving this explanation to you is, it would be worst with Lao Fo Ye," he said sheepishly.

Ling Fei just raised an eyebrow, waiting.

"I – ah – completely forgot about that," he said, trying not to colour. "Well, it was about the fifth watch when everything settled last night…we were basically dead tired. So we just slept."

That was about it, really.

"You just slept?" Ling Fei repeated.

"Yes."

"Nothing happened?" she asked again.

_Do not wince, Yong Qi_.

"Yes."

Ling Fei looked lost for word. Yong Qi gave a sigh. "Xiao Yan Zi is very – ah – innocent, Niang Niang," he began.

"Yes, I know," Ling Fei frowned. "She had no idea what I was talking about."

"Yes, so considering we were exhausted and there was practically no time last night…I couldn't – "

He looked at her pleadingly. She had to understand. _Please_.

"I see," she said slowly. Then, he thought he could die on seeing it, the corner of her mouth twitched. "Oh dear."

He did wince this time.

Ling Fei took a moment to gather herself, before looking at him without a trace of mirth. He was thankful for that.

"All right, I understand. I will keep this to myself and let Lao Fo Ye think everything is in order."

"Thank you," he breathed gratefully.

"I trust you will remedy it tonight?" she asked.

He steeled himself against the furious need to blush.

"Yes," was all he said, almost through gritted teeth.

Ling Fei frowned again and decided to just make sure, "She really had no idea?"

"None in the details of things," he said awkwardly.

"And you – "

"It wasn't easy, Niang Niang," he said, almost biting his tongue in the process. That was _all_. That was all that he would be prevailed to admit. He felt like the earth could open up and swallow him as Ling Fei's mouth twitched again. Yong Qi didn't answer or react.

Then finally, she said apologetically, "I thought – well, I suppose I took it for granted that she – I should have said something to her – "

"I'm not sure whether it would have made much difference," he said simply.

"No, it was rather late," she conceded.

Thankfully, Ling Fei decided that she was satisfied with the information and stopped torturing him. She nodded slightly before leaving him alone in the room.

He only let out a hard breath when the door has closed behind her. He could only hope that he would never ever have to have another conversation on this topic with Ling Fei ever again.


	5. Trust

**IV. Trust**

* * *

_The day after Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi found out the truth about her parents, Yong Qi and Zi Wei talk._

* * *

When Zi Wei walked into Jing Yang Gong that afternoon, she found her brother standing alone at the window, staring out into the courtyard. But he didn't seem to see her; or at least if he did, he didn't react. The servants saw her but seemed to sense the pain and sadness that engulfed their master and mistress, so refrained from disturbing the silence and didn't announce her like they normally would.

Zi Wei walked into the main room, but Yong Qi made no sign of turning around to greet her or acknowledging her at all. Zi Wei wondered whether he was consciously ignoring her, and if it was, she surely deserved it. Since the events of the night before, she realised, more painfully and sharply than ever, what exactly it was she had done. She had lied to both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi - to two of the people most closest to her heart - for three long years. It didn't matter that it was just lying by omission, it was still lying. Would they ever trust her again? No matter how she thought it was to protect them, the truth was, she had lied, a lie that when it became known, had tore them both apart in pain. How was it different from lying to Huang Ah Ma about Han Xiang, really? Well, wasn't the road to hell just paved with good intentions!

She quietly poured a cup of tea and approached her brother.

"Yong Qi," she whispered, holding the cup out to him and joined him at the long window. He took the cup from her with hardly a glance in her direction, without a word, but didn't drink it. She leaned against the window sill like he did, and stared out of the courtyard like he did. The silence stretched heavily between them, weighing on Zi Wei's heart.

Finally, she spoke, pain in her voice, "I once thought lying to Huang Ah Ma was hard. Lying to Xiao Yan Zi...it went against every single oath I took as her sworn sister. But lying to you...now I don't know how I could have done it, no matter how good my intentions."

She could feel him finally turn to look at her with what would be question in his eyes, but she didn't turn back to face him. Perhaps she could not face him after all of this. She found herself lost in memories of the first time she met him.

"Out of everyone in this family, you have the most trust in me, you always have!" she continued, biting back the tears that threatened to flow. "When no one else would believe me, _you_ alone believed me, on so little proof and information. You simply trusted that I was your sister and you believed me at that moment when I had no hope that anyone in my family would even consider me, look at me and listen to me. I knew even then, that even the Fu family had doubts, that without my fan and painting, I really had no way of proving myself; I was ready for rejection but you accepted me. I never really told you the full extent of how much I value your trust in me, how much I love you for simply believing me. From that moment when I realised you believed me, I knew that in the future, even if the whole world might doubt me, _you_ alone would always believe me. I told myself I could never betray that trust, that I could never do anything to give you reason to not trust me again."

She heard him let out a slow sigh, but she still didn't turn. Nor would she had seen much with the tears blurring her vision. She gave a bitter chuckle. "Famous last words, were they not? I did lie to you, and I lied to Xiao Yan Zi...and I told myself it was to protect you. But what did that mean? Did that simply just mean I didn't trust you with the truth? How could I not trust you when you had all that trust in me - the trust that I now realise I never really deserved after all. I never really did anything to earn it - "

"You are my sister," Yong Qi cut through her - now rather tearful - speech. His voice was rough with emotions; Zi Wei knew it was the subject on top of everything else that had happened since the last evening. "That is enough reason for my trust."

She turned, now to face him; he reached out and brushed away the tear that had fallen down her cheek. "I had no idea that you would take my simple belief that way," he admitted.

"It was not simple, believe me," she whispered. "Not to me, not at that moment. Then, I had been spending nearly a year, counting the journey from Jinan, looking for my father, and there were so many times when all hopes were lost. But you gave me more hope than anything in that entire journey ever did. At that moment, I had to consider the idea that my sworn sister had somehow betrayed me, as much as I hated to think that at all. But _you_ believed me, even when it meant believing a truth about your father that wasn't exactly very honourable. You had every right to disbelieve me, to resent me, but you didn't. Even now, I don't think I could trust anybody like I trust you, not even Er Kang. While I know Er Kang could break my heart, I could still count on you to defend me from it. Now, if you have lost your trust in me, then I only have myself to blame."

There was a short silence, before her brother sighed again. "I am not angry with you, Zi Wei," he said wearily. "Nor with Er Kang. You should not have betrayed Xiao Jian's trust to tell us, either. I am not even angry at Xiao Jian...not exactly. I'm just...is it just so hard to be with the woman I love and just be...happy without something this earth-shattering coming in to haunt us?"

Zi Wei didn't answer. The truth was, she didn't know how to answer. Their lives had never really been quiet for long. Perhaps this had just been brewing these last few years, waiting to burst. She should have known it would come out sooner or later. Secrets once they start to spread to one, two, three people, would no longer be a secret.

"I had thought, before, about telling you about Xiao Jian and Xiao Yan Zi's family from the beginning," Zi Wei confessed.

"You as in just me or both Xiao Yan Zi and I?"

"You, only. But then - then I realised that it wasn't fair to ask you, as well, to have to lie, to keep it a secret from Xiao Yan Zi. It would hurt her even more to know that the truth was known to everyone before it was known to her. And if you had told her yourself, then it wasn't fair either because she deserved to hear it from Xiao Jian. She would be furious at Xiao Jian to know that she had to hear it from you, or me or Er Kang."

Another silence ensued. Then, "How is she?" Zi Wei asked softly.

"Asleep. For now. Tai yi gave her something to make her get some rest; I am thankful. She won't get much rest in the next few days..."

Zi Wei knew what Lao Fo Ye was asking of Yong Qi, of Xiao Yan Zi, in exchange for Xiao Jian's life and freedom. But how could such a bargain be made, it was beyond Zi Wei's comprehension. How could Lao Fo Ye ask such a thing of them right then? To Zi Wei, the demand was almost cruel, considering what Xiao Yan Zi had lost.

She looked over to see the tense expression on Yong Qi's face, and knew he had made a decision - the devastating decision.

"This is for life, Yong Qi," Zi Wei could only say vaguely. What else could she say? _Don't do it?_ But they didn't have an alternative. She had tried to talk Zhi Hua out of it...but no avail. It was too much to hope that Huang Ah Ma would not give his permission.

"I know," Yong Qi said, his voice heavy, as if each syllable was paining him. Then he turned and looked at her earnestly. "Promise me you'll be there for Xiao Yan Zi, Zi Wei. I can't do this unless I know that she won't be alone...and right now, you are the only one I would trust to give her that comfort..."

"You would still trust me with that..."

"I would still trust you with my life," Yong Qi said softly. "And as Xiao Yan Zi _is _my life... yes, I would trust you!"

Later, those words would come back to haunt Zi Wei and she would be mortified at what little trust she had in return for her brother on the night he married Zhi Hua. She had taken the gossiping, spying maids' words that Yong Qi had consummated his marriage to Zhi Hua that first night. And Zi Wei had been angry at him for it; for Xiao Yan Zi's sake she was angry and hurt, yes, but she wondered later how she could not have thought to give him even the benefit of the doubt. Instead, she had blamed him in all but words and had more or less joined Xiao Yan Zi in her cold treatment of him the next morning. It was only when she learned the truth days later, that nothing yet had really happened between Yong Qi and Zhi Hua that Zi Wei realised how unfair she was being. She had assumed the worst of him when she, of all people, should know the best that he would not be able to betray Xiao Yan Zi like that on that night. And even if he had done it, it wasn't her right to blame him anyway; how could she, when she had kept Xiao Jian's secret, the secret which forced him into that situation in first place?

But somehow, this reflection didn't prevent Zi Wei, later, from telling Yong Qi that he should still settle his marriage with Zhi Hua in the decent way, because they at least owed her that much. As she said this, however, Zi Wei didn't dare ask herself whether she would be able to say the same thing if it was Er Kang in Yong Qi's position.


	6. Paper

**V. On Paper**

…_or the ramblings on being a fictional character_

Being a fictional character, Yong Qi thought, was rather like being a volcano. Well, perhaps not with the same ferocity and the same amount of self-control. But it did involve a large stretch of time when one is active, and when that particular movie or TV series or book is over, one must go dormant. Just hide away, on standby, in case someone, somewhere, wishes to pull you out of your sleep to put you in another movie or series or book. There was the lack of self-control. In fact, he would say, being a fictional character gave one no control over one's life whatsoever. After all, every single action or word he ever uttered had been scripted and written by another person – _he_ never decided what he would do! Sometimes this was to his detriment, and he had been forced to say things that made no sense whatsoever, or that was so totally out of character. But then, what did he know about what kind of character he was? It wasn't as if he was the author or scriptwriter, writing himself!

Regardless, Yong Qi had never really known another life than this, so he was, more or less, resigned and used to the state of his being.

When he was first created over a decade ago, he was sure his creator didn't expect him to be quite such a popular figure. He wasn't really even supposed to be the lead in the first part of the TV series he would appear in – no that role, he was sure, was intended for Er Kang. But the actor who played him had such good chemistry with the actress who played Xiao Yan Zi that he became a sensation that became very beneficial for the actor's career. Yong Qi supposed it benefited him, as well, but honestly, he was just a name. He didn't even have a true physical appearance, as of course, he took on whatever body and face that happened to be possessed by the actor who played him, or as the reader would imagine him, when he eventually appeared in a set of novels.

This sensation carried on for two TV series, and that was when Yong Qi experienced the first ordeal of leaving the words of his original creator and being tossed back and forth between the minds of fanfic writers. It wasn't a particular uncomfortable experience, per se, as most of the time, he still managed to end up in a pretty happy ending. Then, apparently not wanting her fans to have all the fun, his original creator pulled him back onto her pages and wrote a third installment to the series. Well, Yong Qi wasn't sure _what_ she was thinking when she wrote him into such situations. If Yong Qi _could_ think for himself, he would say the image he portrayed in Tian Shang Ren Jian didn't quite add up to the prince he supposedly was in the first two installments. But again, what did he know, right? As it was, Yong Qi felt the less said about himself in Tian Shang Ren Jian, the better.

Except that he wasn't sure whether it was this apparent out-of-character portrayal that did it, but Yong Qi didn't have much to do after Tian Shang Ren Jian was completed. The fuss gradually died down, and he was only pulled very occasionally out of his dormant state for a random fanfic chapter here and there.

People didn't forget about him, really. They talked about him, but it usually in nostalgic conversations about the "good old days'. Yong Qi was totally prepared to go into a permanent state of dormancy, as, he assumed, there could not be a possibility that Huan Zhu Ge Ge would ever be remade. The first version had been so epic.

The _she _came along. She was seventeen then, with too much imagination, too much time and worrying too little about her future, which really should had been her focus at that age of crossroads. But nevertheless, she came, to him, and Xiao Yan Zi, too, he supposed, but mainly to him, armed with…a computer.

Oh, at first, she could best be called sloppy. She put him on the page, but in prose so disjointed that sometimes he wondered whether she would understand it herself if she didn't have it all in her head to begin with. But then, he had to admit, and she liked to think, she got a bit better. She became, he was quite sure, the one who wrote most extensively about him, other than his creator. Of course, being just a name as he was, he couldn't be sure if there weren't other authors out there writing him and just choosing not to share it with the world. But basing on what he did know, and considering she must by now have something close to over five hundred thousand words written into various stories about him, that she was probably the most prolific in this fandom.

That she loved him, he was sure, but Yong Qi wondered what in that love inspired her to put him through so many suffering and discomfort. So very nearly every single one of her ideas involved paining him or putting him through some sort of suffering. But he didn't really mind, as he was, after all, just a character. When she would close the word document and put it away, he would not feel anything she had put him through. He could live with that.

Over the next four years, he became used to her, the pain she put him through notwithstanding. He knew the changes in her writing reflected the numerous changes that stormed her life in those years, but her love for him stayed constant, more or less. Sometimes she chided him for not being more cooperative in her writing, but he wondered how he _could_ cooperate, being a fictional character. After all, wasn't he just in her head? But somehow, she was convinced that fictional as he was, he had a mind of his own.

Yong Qi was convinced, that over ten years after his first creation, that she would be the only one who would still write him. But apparently his creator had other ideas.

At first, Yong Qi had thought it was a joke. A remake? Surely his creator would see that such success could not be recreated it.

But slowly, he had to get used to the idea that his creator had taken up her pen again to write a remake, putting him in a new situation, and most likely, with a new actor who would bring an entirely different outlook to him.

But that was all the news he would get for a long time. For a long time he didn't know what this new version of him would look like. Most likely, no one knew, not even his creator, since they have not yet chosen the actor.

Then came the title for the new remade series and plot details. Yong Qi was, of course, too sensible to dismiss the whole idea of a remake merely based on an atrocious new title (really, _Huan Zhu Ge Ge – Little Swallow Flies Swiftly_? What kind of a name was that?), but this little plot details made him cringe.

Again, Yong Qi was forced to remind himself that he was, after all, just a character, made to follow the imaginations of others and had no say in his life whatsoever. But the idea that in his world would suddenly appear a Westerner, named Benjamin, who would compete with him for Xiao Yan Zi's attention – well, it shocked Yong Qi. He supposed he could pass the appearance of a Westerner in Qian Long's court to be merely artistic freedom, but the idea that _while_ Xiao Yan Zi was pretending to be a princess and trying to keep her life, she would at the same time be involved in a love triangle…It was just…_unreasonable_.

He had thought, there was a reason that Er Tai gave up Xiao Yan Zi in the first part of the series. After all, it would just be too complicated. And yet in this new remake, he would have to go through a love triangle.

He didn't like love triangles, despite the fact that fanfic writers seemed rather keen to put him into them – and this young writer was no difference. But when written by his creator, Yong Qi dreaded love triangles. He had to admit, she had great ideas, but her love triangles are always so forlorn, teary and more importantly, drawn out, that he really didn't want to have to go through again. It had been amusing, Yong Qi admitted, when he was competing with Xiao Jian, but it had been downright frightening when he was stuck in the middle of a very manipulative Zhi Hua and a very jealous Xiao Yan Zi. Now, he wasn't sure how having yet another love triangle being the center of the plot would turn out.

Right now, he was mourning the loss of Er Tai in this remake. It was probably too much to hope that his friend would make an appearance, not when there was this Benjamin character, who apparently was like a brother to Yong Qi, to take his place. The replacement seemed so manipulative and meditated. Yong Qi was sure the replacement was made as an attempt to make this remake different, but maybe, sometimes, what is needed isn't variety. Perhaps just consistency is needed…

If Yong Qi could decide for himself what direction his life would go, there would be no chance of complicating life with a love triangle. After all, Huan Zhu Ge Ge would not be remade if Yong Qi was left to decide things. It was always best to leave when you are on top, but clearly his creator didn't know that.

Being a fictional character, perhaps, wasn't like being a volcano, after all. A volcano got to decide when it would erupt. Being a fictional character was more like being a rock at the foot of the volcano. Whenever the volcano erupts, you move. But you never get to decide when that was, and in which direction to move.

* * *

A/N: Let's just say I don't particularly like the information they've recently released about the remake of HZGG.


	7. Drama

**VI. Drama**

* * *

_Coming back from war with Burma, Yong Qi discusses Xiao Yan Zi and Zhi Hua with Qing Er, setting in motion the whole fiasco of "Zhi Hua stupidly throws herself against furnitures to gain sympathy from Yong Qi who is just too nice and doesn't believe she did it on purpose, thereby picking a huge stupid fight with Xiao Yan Zi", otherwise known as episodes 29-30 of HZGGIII._

* * *

"I was looking for you," Yong Qi said when he spotted Qing Er in the garden.

"For me?" she asked, surprised, but falling into steps with him nonetheless. "For what? I thought you'd already delivered all the news from Xiao Jian."

"This isn't about me giving you news. I just wanted to ask you about something."

"What is it?" she asked, curious.

Yong Qi turned to look at her seriously, "How bad was it, really, Qing Er? While I was away? You know Xiao Yan Zi would never tell me anything."

Qing Er gave a sigh and looked at him with a sad smile. "How could it be, really? I tried to come around to Jing Yang Gong as often as possible, and I think if Zi Wei wasn't there, Xiao Yan Zi would probably had gone mad or strangled Zhi Hua. Or both. Huang Shang didn't help matters, really."

Yong Qi frowned. "What do you mean?"

"He thinks Xiao Yan Zi is jealous of Zhi Hua," Qing Er said with a sardonic smile, which Yong Qi returned without a trace of mirth. "In a way, that is true, but not in the way he thinks it. I don't think Xiao Yan Zi is so much jealous of Zhi Hua because of you, as much as she jealous of Zhi Hua because of Huang Shang himself. If she thinks rationally then Xiao Yan Zi totally knows why you married Zhi Hua; _I_ know it wasn't for me, or for Xiao Jian. It was for Xiao Yan Zi. Though I suppose to Huang Shang, it makes sense for Xiao Yan Zi to be jealous of Zhi Hua because of you."

"Like it makes sense for him to think I wanted to marry Zhi Hua because I compromised her, rather than I had a miraculous change of heart," Yong Qi said.

It was odd, that they shared a dry smile over this. For anyone else, the reason that Qian Long used to explain the sudden marriage between Zhi Hua and Yong Qi could had been the perfectly reasonable and obvious reason. However, when it came to them, nothing was ever that simple; perhaps Qian Long should have known them better to know that.

Qing Er continued, "The thing is, without you, Zhi Hua doesn't feel like she need to hold back and be nice anymore. Oh, she was civil, but you know, in the sense that to Xiao Yan Zi's face she is all pleasant and polite, but secretly she wants to find every opportunity to triumph against her. Not that that's hard when it comes to Huang Shang. As soon as Zhi Hua starts talking about poetry and books and show off her calligraphy, Huang Shang is enthralled. Normally you'd think Xiao Yan Zi couldn't care less about these things, but Huang Shang keeps comparing them to each other, and I think that was the thing that hurt Xiao Yan Zi the most."

Yong Qi couldn't exactly blame his father for admiring Zhi Hua's skills. If it was just the skills, then Yong Qi would admire them too. However, it was clear that in this situation, his father wasn't being very sensitive. Then again, since when was it his job to be sensitive to anyone?

"Sometimes," Yong Qi pondered, "I wonder how it is that Huang Ah Ma actually allowed me to marry Xiao Yan Zi. Right now Huang Ah Ma makes no secret that he thinks Zhi Hua is the kind of girl he thinks is appropriate for me and somehow expects Xiao Yan Zi to measure up to that. But she would never _become_ that kind of girl, and frankly that is what both he and I love most about her. I don't want her to change, and I wonder whether Huang Ah Ma realises that if she does ever change, he'd come to regret it, too."

There was a contemplative silence as they both were lost in thoughts. Then Qing Er said, "You know, even before Zhi Hua came, Huang Shang had a tendency to compare Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei, too. But both Zi Wei and Xiao Yan Zi love each other too much to really keep that between them. Zi Wei would never lord it over Xiao Yan Zi and Xiao Yan Zi would never hold it against Zi Wei. Zhi Hua, on the other hand, thrives on being compared to Xiao Yan Zi - at least in terms of accomplishments. Normally Xiao Yan Zi seems like she doesn't care about those accomplishments but it's simply a shield, isn't it? She knows she would never measure up to Zi Wei and Zhi Hua in terms of book learning, and usually she doesn't mind, but Huang Shang really doesn't need to rub it in. I don't think Huang Shang realises how humiliating it is for Xiao Yan Zi to have to endure it all."

"Of course he doesn't," Yong Qi said softly, with a hint of bitterness in his voice. "Huang Ah Ma just doesn't realise how much his words and actions hurt sometimes. He is so used to everyone giving way to him and no one ever contradicting him that he has no idea that other people might have feelings too, and how cruel some of the things he say might be."

They walked in silence for a while, but Qing Er was mindful to keep on secluded paths that meant there was little chance of anyone following them and eavesdropping. Then again, it might actually look rather suspicious if anyone saw them hidden between bushes and trees alone together.

"It wasn't the secret that was making things uncomfortable between Huang Shang and Xiao Yan Zi, not really," she said. "It's more the fact that Huang Shang thinks just because Zhi Hua simpers and smiles around Xiao Yan Zi that she should do the same. But she can't! Xiao Yan Zi would never be able to pretend that things between her and Zhi Hua aren't more icy than Beijing in the middle of winter!"

"The ironic thing is," Yong Qi said, "is that the thing that Huang Ah Ma loves most about her is the fact that she can't and she doesn't pretend to butter him up. He knew everything she ever praised him of was sincere, perhaps said as a joke, but always sincere. But when it comes to women, I have a feeling after having to deal with the harem, he just chooses to not notice that between two women who compete for a man's attention, there could never be perfect peace. He just believes what he chooses to believe, which is why he never pressed me to explicitly say why I suddenly was asking to marry Zhi Hua."

"I just find it frustrating that he is project all these ideals on Xiao Yan Zi when he should know her enough by now to realise that she would never live up to these ideals. So he assumes things and then become disappointed in her, unfairly. If _I_ feel this frustrated, what must _she_ be feeling?"

"I really wouldn't know about that," Yong Qi said with a heavy sigh. "As she pretty much clams up the moment I ask her about how things were with Zhi Hua while I was away. Even if I wanted to ask Zhi Hua, her versions of things would be...well, sugar-coated."

"What have you and Zhi Hua been talking about then?" Qing Er asked, curious.

"Honestly? We don't," he answered flatly.

Qing Er stopped walking, causing Yong Qi to stop too. She turned and looked at him seriously. "Yong Qi, I'm not saying this to criticise you, I know it's as hard for you as it is for Xiao Yan Zi. But maybe…ignoring Zhi Hua isn't the best way to go about this. Zhi Hua _is_ your wife, she's having your child! It doesn't matter how, or why. She's not going to go away. If anything, if this child is a boy, things are just going to get that much harder for Xiao Yan Zi. If you want Xiao Yan Zi to be able to live the rest of her life with Zhi Hua, it might be easier on Xiao Yan Zi, in the long run, if you weren't so obvious about where your heart lays."

Yong Qi sighed. "I know. I _know_. And I _know_ none of it is an excuse. I know what Lao Fo Ye expects, I know what I am supposed to do, what I cannot decently avoid, but when it comes down to it…I will never forget the way she looked at me the night I married Zhi Hua. She knew we didn't have a choice and she knew she asked me to do it, but she couldn't help hurting. And when it comes down to it…I can't ever get that expression out of my mind and then whatever I know, it just doesn't seem half so important anymore."

"I guess I shouldn't be the one to lecture you on duty," Qing Er said. "If I had followed Lao Fo Ye's expectation for me, I wouldn't be here."

"Can I ask you something?"

Qing Er looked at him in surprise. "Why are you suddenly so hesitant?"

"Did you ever expect Er Kang to pay you back for the favours he asked of you to keep Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei safe?"

Qing Er chuckled. "When he asked the favour, yes. But then afterwards...after I realised that Er Kang's feelings were much deeper than I thought, I couldn't. I wasn't about to marry someone who didn't want me."

"What if you were Zhi Hua?"

"As in, someone else's life was determined by whether I married Er Kang or not? I'm not sure. I really am not. But I don't think...maybe this is a bit naive, but what do you think would have happened if we just took the plunge and told Huang Shang everything in the first place?"

"I don't want to think on what could have happened. Who knows, Lao Fo Ye really did think that Xiao Jian was a threat to Huang Ah Ma's life. The last time she thought someone was a threat to Huang Ah Ma…well, Zi Wei nearly died. I know for Lao Fo Ye it's natural to protect Huang Ah Ma, but in that situation, I just wished she trusted us a little more."

"I think we all lost that trust when we went totally against her wishes so many times."

"Xiao Yan Zi never had it in the first place, so all the worst for her," Yong Qi said. "I wonder why _Lao Fo Ye_ agreed to let me marry her in the first place."

"Lao Fo Ye could do without Xiao Yan Zi but she couldn't do without you. And…Zhi Hua was only a matter of time," Qing Er said.

"I know. I just hate the feeling of knowing I owe Zhi Hua. It's worst for Xiao Yan Zi, though she would never talk about it to me. You know, whenever I think about my mother and Huang Ah Ma, I feel like the world's worst hypocrite for putting Zhi Hua in the exact same position that my mother was in. No matter how much I love this child, it's never going to make up for what I don't feel for Zhi Hua."

"Surely you don't think so little of the importance of your own existence to your mother?" Qing Er asked, alarmed.

"No," he answered. "I'm sure she loved me. But as I get older and I understand the relationship between Huang Ah Ma and her more, I realise no matter what comfort I brought her, it would never be enough, because my very existence was the reminder of what Huang Ah Ma didn't feel for her. I spent the years wondering why Huang Ah Ma favoured me so much when he was so totally indifferent to my mother. I just hope this child would never feel the same...but it's impossible! And yet despite it all, I can't bear to feel guilty for loving only Xiao Yan Zi."

"You haven't talked to Xiao Yan Zi about any of this?" Qing Er asked. Though it sounded like she knew.

"No. Xiao Yan Zi doesn't talk about Zhi Hua to me, though she talks enough to you and Zi Wei."

"You two can't avoid it forever, Yong Qi. Xiao Yan Zi will have to come to terms with it. Sometimes I don't think she'd quite grasped the idea that Zhi Hua is going to actually have a baby yet."

"I don't think _I've_ grasped the idea either," Yong Qi said wearily. "But talking about Zhi Hua would mean that Xiao Yan Zi would cry and I hate seeing her cry. Otherwise, we pretty are guaranted to get into an argument, which is worst."

"In the ideal world, you would never have to marry Zhi Hua in the first place. But seriously, even without that secret, I think Lao Fo Ye would have found a reason sooner or later. Maybe it would have been more on your term, maybe not. The point is, maybe it's better to see Xiao Yan Zi cry once now, than let it brew. Everything you're saying to me now, and all the things Xiao Yan Zi's been saying to me in the few months…it all seems like things you need to say to each other but don't want to, because you're both afraid of hurting each other. I can't tell you what Xiao Yan Zi told me, Yong Qi, anymore than I tell her what you told me today." Yong Qi opened his mouth to reply but Qing Er cut him off. "I don't mind listening to either of you, but I think it's just better for both of you to say it to each other."

"Don't you think it might be better if I talk to Zhi Hua?"

"About what?"

"I think part of Zhi Hua hopes that if this child is a boy, that somehow my affections would just miraculously shift to her. I know it's not going to happen, but the way she talks I think she half believes it. It would be even more hypocritical of me to continue to let her have that hope, when it can never be."

"What exactly do you intend to say to Zhi Hua? I think you'd underestimate her if you expect her to sit back and accept the fact that you won't ever come to her again."

"What can she do?"

"Yong Qi!" Qing Er exclaimed. "She still know our secret, don't forget. Besides, you should know of the struggle between women in the palace. Just because Xiao Yan Zi is unwilling to get into that struggle, doesn't mean that Zhi Hua will have scruples about pulling her into it!"

"Frankly by now I think it might be better that Huang Ah Ma knows the secret! I don't think Xiao Yan Zi can keep up with it for very much longer. I didn't want to bring up the idea of revealing it to Huang Ah Ma with everyone still in mourning for Er Kang and Zi Wei still in such a state. I don't think Xiao Yan Zi could handle revealing it to Huang Ah Ma without Zi Wei's help."

"You're serious, aren't you?"

"Yes. When we first revealed Xiao Yan Zi was a fake princess, Huang Ah Ma imprisoned Xiao Yan Zi, Zi Wei and Jin Suo. Er Kang, Er Tai and I broke them out of jail and were planning to run away. But then we all decided to turn back, because we believed Huang Ah Ma would never be able to bear killing anyone of us. We gambled on Huang Ah Ma's affection, and it paid off. Now that Xiao Jian is no longer in danger, no matter how much Xiao Yan Zi had disappointed Huang Ah Ma, I don't think he could bear to kill her either."

"Unless she tries to take revenge," Qing Er pointed out.

"She would never be able to, you know," Yong Qi said with a sad smile.

"Because you'd always be there, in front of Huang Shang, first," she answered softly. "She'd never be able to turn a sword on _you_."

"I think," Yong Qi said thoughtfully, "even if I stepped aside and let her do it, she would never be able. She could not bear to, either."

"Well, if the occasion ever shows up, don't risk it," Qing Er said darkly.

Yong Qi just shook his head. "How does Huang Ah Ma juggle twenty women at once when I can't even keep up with two?"

"Well he's got thirty more years than you to work at it," Qing Er smiled.

* * *

A/N: You know what, for all that I claim to hate about HZIII (maybe hate is too strong a word but I do have major problems with it), lately I am writing a lot about it... To be honest, HZII ended in such a neat ending that doesn't give fanfic much to exploit, whereas HZIII was full of character-assassination (well, mainly Yong Qi) and drama that gives a lot of room to deviate from. You know what, I'm probably repeating myself across these fics, but I really wouldn't know…because there have been so many versions of these things in my head.


	8. Promise

**VII. Promise**

Sometimes, Qian Long wondered at his sanity at the time when he betrothed Xiao Yan Zi to Yong Qi.

It was not that he didn't want the best for Yong Qi. He did. And it was precisely that he did want the best for Yong Qi that sometimes he wondered whether he was in his right mind, letting him become engaged to Xiao Yan Zi.

There was no doubt that Yong Qi was his pride and joy, everything he could have hoped for in a son, a successor and an emperor for his country. Qian Long did not expect to love this son as much as this, seeing as the wife who gave birth to him was not one of his favourite. Truth be told, now, years after her death, Qian Long could barely remember her. When Yong Qi was born, he was pleased that he was a boy, but no more than usual. It was not until Yong Qi started in the school house and various imperial tutors sang him praises that Qian Long began to notice this child.

He had observed Yong Qi closely ever since those praises reached his ears and eventually came to realise that this son was as precious as his name. Bright-eyed and always eager to learn, Yong Qi excelled in every aspect of his education. Studying came easily to him and he took to martial arts, archery and riding as a fish to water. He was, to Qian Long, a perfect blend of a traditional Manchu warrior, with a cultured Chinese upbriging. The more Yong Qi grew, the more Qian Long was sure, Heaven may have taken away from him many sons still in their infancy, but this son was surely a gift, and the successor both he and his empire needed.

He had never confided this much to anyone, of course, not even to Yong Qi himself. Qian Long was far from fearing that such a knowledge might get to Yong Qi's head; he was far too modest and reasonable for that. But knowing his own expectations for Yong Qi, Qian Long was reluctant of putting too much pressure on Yong Qi too early. Which was why, when Lao Fo Ye mentioned it, he simply answered that it was too early to think about the issue of a successor. The truth was, he had his successor picked out years ago.

So, time and time again, Qian Long had to ask himself, what was he _thinking_ to be letting Yong Qi marry Xiao Yan Zi?

Xiao Yan Zi was another gift from Heaven, Qian Long could never deny that. She was joy, she was happiness, she showered him with sincere devotion that he found he craved after all the insincere fawning from officials, concubines and even his children alike. But there was no doubt that she was not made to become a princess consort, much less an empress.

When Qian Long had thought Xiao Yan Zi was his daughter, he had every intention of marrying her to Fu Er Kang or Fu Er Tai. It was probably a more selfish reason that he realised at the time. His intention had always been to keep the talents that were the Fu brothers by his side, and what better way than to let them become his sons-in-law? But even then, he actually believed that Xiao Yan Zi had liked - well, he wasn't sure which one it was, Er Kang or Er Tai. His singling out Er Kang had just been a test.

It was different, marrying Xiao Yan Zi, as a princess, to Er Kang. The honour there would be on Er Kang's part.

But for Xiao Yan Zi, now a common girl of unknown past, unknown origins, unknown pretty much everything, to marry Yong Qi, his crowning jewel, well...as I said, sometimes Qian Long wondered at his sanity.

Lao Fo Ye's return to the court had only pulled that question more directly into the light.

So, why? Why was Xiao Yan Zi engaged to Yong Qi when pretty much anyone looking in would deem her completely unsuitable for the role she would eventually have to take?

Well, it was too simple, really. Yong Qi loved her.

Qian Long had been in love before. He knew the feeling. He understood the conviction that Yong Qi surely must feel now, that he would be able to love Xiao Yan Zi forever and ever and ever. He never doubted the sincerity of Yong Qi's feelings for Xiao Yan Zi. It was not in Yong Qi's nature to be insincere. But he also knew, like Yong Qi, in his as of yet inexperience with women, did not realise, that however love might prevail, temptations still existed. Hell, _duty_ existed. These two things, so unlike in their natures, might take a man away from the woman he loves.

After all, what prince, what emperor did not have concubines? So what did it matter that Yong Qi loved Xiao Yan Zi now? Did it hurt to give Yong Qi what he wanted, for him to have that satisfaction? Xiao Yan Zi did not have to be the empress, Qian Long considered a little guiltily. It was not as if Xiao Yan Zi seemed like she wanted to be empress. There will always be others.

Yes, that was perhaps why Qian Long did not have concerns when he had granted that engagement. There will be others. _Surely_. Even Yong Qi must realise that, what ever the romantic fantasies he held to now. Eventually, when confronted with the temptations and the duty, he would have to answer the call of at least one.

Qian Long did not have a problem with Yong Qi marrying Xiao Yan Zi. But Lao Fo Ye clearly did, and Xiao Yan Zi herself was not helping the matter. The Emperor had felt the pressure of being stuck in the middle of his decree of the betrothal and the disapproval from Lao Fo Ye ever since his mother returned to the court. But it was not until today, when Xiao Yan Zi had gotten herself, Zi Wei and her entire houseful of servants into trouble by dressing up as eunuchs to sneak out of the palace, that Qian Long finally realised just how very against this marriage Lao Fo Ye was, and perhaps, despite all his wishes, even he could not save Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi.

"You have to understand," he told Xiao Yan Zi, "other than just pleasing me, you have to please Lao Fo Ye as well, you can't be stubborn. And you, Xiao Yan Zi, you have to study properly, or all your future will disappear in your own hand!"

Xiao Yan Zi, being Xiao Yan Zi, of course did not understand, or chose not to. Qian Long bit back exasperation upon realising this, as Xiao Yan Zi remained perfectly nonchalant. Zi Wei, however, looked up sharply, her brow creased together in worry. Sensitive, clever Zi Wei would understand just how detrimental Lao Fo Ye's disapproval could be and what exactly such an advice meant.

Xiao Yan Zi, on the other hand, just shrugged, "What future?"

Qian Long looked closely at her and wondered how on earth she could be so naive and so clueless. Then again, that was part of her charm, perhaps even why Yong Qi loved her. "Don't you want to marry Yong Qi?"

Her face was still without a care in the world, as if Qian Long had just asked her whether she wanted a cookie and she wasn't hungry. "Oh that," she said, with a wave of her hand. "I actually have to reconsider that. Lao Fo Ye obviously can't stand me. Is Lao Fo Ye the only person who knows how to get angry and I don't? If I can't even go out of the palace, then I think it's better if I out of the palace to be a normal Xiao Yan Zi again. This Huan Zhu Ge Ge or Jun Zhu, it's better off with someone else."

The answer was so classically Xiao Yan Zi, and Qian Long should have known better than to be shocked at it. But still, shocked he was. _This_ was why he was at odds with his mother? _This_ was why he was risking getting into an argument with his mother? More importantly, Yong Qi was marrying Xiao Yan Zi, who could say this? Granted, Yong Qi was not there to hear Xiao Yan Zi say this, but if she could so casually say such thing to Qian Long, there was no doubt that Xiao Yan Zi would have no concern saying similar things to Yong Qi. And judging by the grimace Zi Wei had on, she probably had.

"And you can still say that!" Qian Long snapped, unable to keep the anger out of his voice. "What, do you think it's up to you, whether you want to marry or not and it will just go your way?"

"Isn't it?" Xiao Yan Zi said, not looking the least worried about Qian Long's stormy expression. "I mean, if I refuse to get married, who's going to drag me to the sedan? It's not as if Lao Fo Ye wants me anyway, she might actually be glad."

"You're not marrying some riff-raff off the streets, Xiao Yan Zi! You're talking about my son, a prince! You think that just anyone can marry him? I can have him marry whoever I think is suitable for him. For some reason that I don't understand sometimes, he wants you, and for some even more bizzare reason, I'm indulging him! And here you are with all this childish nonesense! Do you not love him?"

"Of course I do, but sometimes I just think it's too much trouble. I mean, all these rules and expectations, they'll be the death of me eventually. And I prefer to live."

Just how sincere _was_ she being, Qian Long wondered. Just how much did she realise the consequences and the meaning of what she was saying? Qian Long could not say that he was the world's most romantic person, or pride himself on being faithful, but he knew love constituted a little more than giving up when it becomes "too much trouble". Was Xiao Yan Zi saying this just because she was being her careless, unthinking self? Or was she being coy? No, it wasn't in Xiao Yan Zi's nature to be insincere either.

Well, two can play this game.

"You really think that marrying Yong Qi would be too much trouble?" Qian Long asked, watching Xiao Yan Zi's expression closely. Beside her, Zi Wei gave him a curious look, as if part of her realised what he was trying to do. "You really don't want to marry him?"

Xiao Yan Zi, bless her, still had no idea the trap he was setting. She was completely wrapped up in her recent frustration with the regulations and punishments that Lao Fo Ye enforced, and said, "If it meant I would have to put up with all this, then not really."

"Fine," Qian Long said triumphantly, "you know I would only hope for you to be happy, Xiao Yan Zi, even if it does mean breaking Yong Qi's heart. You might as well have your wish, and I dare say most of our problems are then solved. You can continue to be Xiao Yan Zi and cause as much trouble as you like, now that you're not marrying Yong Qi anymore, I think Lao Fo Ye will go easier on you."

The reaction from the two girls amused him. Zi Wei suddenly turned her face away in an attempt to hold back the laughter obviously bubbling up, but could not hide it in her eyes. Xiao Yan Zi, however, just froze for a moment, then blinked in confusion, and ended up just staring at Qian Long, not understanding. Qian Long smiled at her, a little smugly, if truth be told.

"But - but - what do you mean by that?" Xiao Yan Zi said, her voice shaking slightly. Her eyes had widened so that they looked impossibly large in the lamp light.

"It's no use beating a dead horse, Xiao Yan Zi," Qian Long said, shrugging. "Lao Fo Ye does not approve of the marriage, you do not want it...well, Yong Qi will have to get over it, I suppose. But the earlier he realises that things can't always go his way, the better. Do not worry, I will break the news to him if you wish. And do not worry, you are still my adopted daughter, so later if you do want to marry someone, you just have to say the word, Xiao Yan Zi."

"I never said - " Xiao Yan Zi started to say, then realised what she did say. Her whole face flushed pink. Qian Long could see her swallow the shock of the turn of events. Her eyes were round with anxiety and for a second, her lips trembled, before her teeth clamped down on the bottom lip in an attempt to retain some composure. Xiao Yan Zi was never good at retaining her composure. Despite her obvious efforts, it was clear that she was tearing up and she wanted to take back everything she had said, but something, possibly pride, was stopping her. How strong was her pride, really? Would she let it get in the way of getting Yong Qi back? Perhaps this would be the ultimate test of her feelings for Yong Qi.

"Don't you think you might need to see what Yong Qi think about this before making such a decision?" Xiao Yan Zi asked after a valiant effort to stop herself from crying. Her voice still trembled with emotions and part of it came out as a sob. Qian Long felt bad about actually enjoying seeing her in pain, but he knew he had to make her confront the idea of ultimately losing Yong Qi, to have to sort out for herself just how much Yong Qi meant to her. Looking at the two of them, sometimes Qian Long had to wonder whether Xiao Yan Zi loved Yong Qi as much as he loved her.

Qian Long allowed himself to glance at Zi Wei, who was observing all this silently. She had a slightly amused expression on her face, knowing exactly what he was about. But at the same time, she was looking expectantly at Xiao Yan Zi too. It seemed that even Zi Wei was not sure how Xiao Yan Zi's stubbornness would serve her here.

"You think as long as you don't want the marriage that Yong Qi would want to force you into it?" Qian Long asked, facing Xiao Yan Zi again. He carefully kept his voice unemotional and neutral. It was more a rhetorical question than anything. In the event that Xiao Yan Zi truly did not want the marriage, Yong Qi would take it with all the valour and strength that he possessed, Qian Long did not doubt that. He would be hurt, no doubt about that, but ultimately, when it came to Xiao Yan Zi, it seemed like Yong Qi would never refuse her anything.

Xiao Yan Zi struggled with the truth in Qian Long's statement. She frowned and pouted, then finally, put on that expression that by now, Qian Long knew meant she was going to beg for something.

"Huang Ah Ma, you know I wasn't serious, right? I mean, I was just kidding." Her voice was hopeful, and she was looking up at him with those wide eyes, leaning on his arms like a child. Well, there was no doubt that she knew how to beg _him_. But Qian Long was not ready to let it be over so quickly.

"You sounded pretty serious to me, Xiao Yan Zi," he said. "In this court, things like this is not taken lightly, you know, and you have made your decision. Well, I see nothing else to it. It is very late now, I should let you girls get some sleep. You may relax tonight, Xiao Yan Zi, after all you won't need to worry about all the troubles of marrying Yong Qi anymore. Don't worry, I'll let Yong Qi have a peaceful night before breaking the news to him tomorrow."

With that, Qian Long swept out of Shu Fang Zhai before Xiao Yan Zi could think to react or hold him back. Zi Wei's amused parting and Xiao Yan Zi's stammering "But - but - I - " followed him out the door.

He knew Yong Qi would probably not get a peaceful night. If anything, it was likely that Xiao Yan Zi would probably be braving everything and be pounding on Jing Yang Gong's door soon. Qian Long knew he should be concerned at the idea of Xiao Yan Zi going to Jing Yang Gong alone at all, let alone at this time of night. But Yong Qi came to Shu Fang Zhai often enough, so what difference did it make, really?

* * *

Zi Wei wanted to laugh at Xiao Yan Zi's expression, but managed to hold it back. For Xiao Yan Zi, her mouth got her in trouble many times before, and often things go completely out of her control, but probably she had never been in a situation quite like this - in danger of losing the person she loved most, simply from a slip of tongue. Zi Wei understood the frustration that drove Xiao Yan Zi, reckless, thoughtless Xiao Yan Zi, to saying that she was reconsidering marriage to Yong Qi. She knew that Xiao Yan Zi didn't mean it as a bluff, much less expected that Qian Long would take her up on that bluff. It was just one of those thoughtless things that Xiao Yan Zi say and then forget a second later.

But now, seeing how she looked totally terrified at the idea of her traitorous words becoming her own undoing, Zi Wei wished she could just tell Xiao Yan Zi that Huang Ah Ma was just playing with her. Still, Zi Wei understood why it was necessary for Xiao Yan Zi to realise just how dangerous some of the things she say could be. Imagine if she had said that to Lao Fo Ye!

"I didn't mean it!" Xiao Yan Zi said to Zi Wei, her voice panicky and her breath shallow. "I really didn't - Zi Wei!"

"I don't know, Xiao Yan Zi," Zi Wei frowned, feeling slightly guilty for playing this with Xiao Yan Zi, too, "you sounded pretty serious."

"You know how it is, I just say things!"

"Yes, like the time Huang Ah Ma slapped you and you said you didn't want to marry Yong Qi anymore. You say them pretty often and sometimes I wonder...well..."

"Wonder what?" Xiao Yan Zi demanded.

"Whether you mean them after all," Zi Wei shrugged. "And I'm not going to love you less Xiao Yan Zi, just because you don't want to be my sister in law. I just would rather you didn't hurt Yong Qi so. And you know tomorrow when Huang Ah Ma tells him, he's going to be pretty unhappy." Zi Wei wondered at how merciless she was being, but told herself that it was important for Xiao Yan Zi to go through this self-realiasation process.

Xiao Yan Zi just stared at Zi Wei with an expression akin to horror for a moment, before rushing blindly out of the door, nearly knocking over Xiao Deng Zi who was standing with Xiao Zhou Zi at the doorway. Only until Xiao Yan Zi had disappeared outside the gate that Zi Wei let herself chuckle.

_Oh Xiao Yan Zi, just don't be caught. _

* * *

Yong Qi could probably count the number of times Xiao Yan Zi had come to Jing Yang Gong on one hand. Most of the time, it was he who went to visit her at Shu Fang Zhai. At least, he would usually be accompanied by Er Kang and Zi Wei would be there. More often than not, it was only desperate times that led Xiao Yan Zi to Jing Yang Gong, mostly in secret. Even then, it would usually be light when Xiao Yan Zi showed up. Therefore, when Xiao Shun Zi knocked on his bedroom door long after dinner time and told him Xiao Yan Zi was waiting for him in the study, Yong Qi was baffled and ready to hear that something earthshattering had happened. Then again, what else could have happened after a day when the girls dressed up as eunuchs to sneak out of the palace, got caught by Lao Fo Ye and promptly the whole of Shu Fang Zhai got a beating?

Thus, after telling Xiao Shun Zi to be on the lookout for Lao Fo Ye or Huang Hou, Yong Qi entered the study, dreading the worst.

"What's wrong?" he cried upon seeing Xiao Yan Zi pacing back and forth in his study with an agitated expression on her face. "Are you all right? Is someone hurt - ?"

"Yong Qi!" She turned to face him, not letting him finish his questions. Grabbing his arms, she looked up at him with wide eyes, full of panic. "I need you to promise me something. You have to promise me this!"

Yong Qi was none the wiser about what brought Xiao Yan Zi here at this time of night, and her tone did nothing to settle his nerves. "Of course, what is it?" He tried to calm his voice, because once Xiao Yan Zi panicked, the whole world was ready to turn upside down and he needed to keep his head.

"Tomorrow...tomorrow, if Huang Ah Ma says something to you about our engagement, you can't agree to end it!" Xiao Yan Zi said in a rush.

Yong Qi sucked in a breath, trying to keep himself composed. In light of the conversation earlier in the day with his father, Yong Qi knew that the foundation for his engagement was far from secure, especially when Lao Fo Ye did not approve. However, he didn't expect Qian Long to actually _say_ anything to Xiao Yan Zi at all. What could have possessed him to mention it to Xiao Yan Zi? Surely his father knew of Xiao Yan Zi's impulsive temper; it was a miracle that after whatever Huang Ah Ma told her, that she was here to try to extract such a promise from him, rather than going off in a fit of temper. After all, she hadn't looked for him when she thought he was supposed to marry Sai Ya.

"What did Huang Ah Ma say to you?" he asked, his voice full of urgency. Much to his continued confusion, Xiao Yan Zi suddenly looked down with an expression that was..._guilty_?

"Actually...he didn't really say anything," she said with a sigh. "I...it's just me and my mouth saying stupid things and I think he...misunderstood." Then she looked up at him anxiously again, "But promise me that you won't agree to end our engagement, no matter what Huang Ah Ma says."

Yong Qi took a moment to consider the situation. The fact that Xiao Yan Zi took the iniative to start a conversation about their engagement was strange enough. Engaged they might be (for now...he hoped...), Yong Qi never fooled himself into thinking that normally Xiao Yan Zi treated him any different than she treated Er Kang or Liu Qing. He was sure that Xiao Yan Zi rarely thought or consciously realise that she was in love at all. It was only when she was forced to confront her emotions, like the time when it was rumoured that he was to marry Sai Ya, or when Huang Ah Ma slapped her, that it all comes rushing out. He had learnt not to wish that she would give him loving looks that was meant for him alone, because that was not who she was. To wish that was probably to wish Xiao Yan Zi was more like Zi Wei, and Xiao Yan Zi will never be Zi Wei. Yong Qi didn't want her to be. In any case, the fact that she normally shows so little of her affection that it was when she finally does that made it all worthwhile and made him appreciate those times more.

"All right, sit down," he said finally, leading her to a chair. Xiao Yan Zi still had that wide, worried look in her eyes, but she sat anyway. "Tell me what happened."

It did not seem like this is something that could be resolved right away and he could only hope no one saw her enter Jing Yang Gong at this time of night and that Lao Fo Ye would not suddenly show up before Xiao Yan Zi could tell him everything. Lao Fo Ye seemed to have eyes and ears everywhere lately, and he could not help but feel anxious. Still, Xiao Yan Zi didn't get worked up like this for no reason, so he would have to risk it.

"Well, Huang Ah Ma actually came to comfort us about what happened today," Xiao Yan Zi said as Yong Qi sat down opposite her. "I guess Huang Ah Ma starts to say that I should behave myself or my future would be ruined or something. And it wasn't a great day, so I was frustrated and I said something...well, it was stupid, but Huang Ah Ma took it the wrong way..."

The fact that Xiao Yan Zi said somthing that got her into trouble was not surprising to Yong Qi; what was surprising was her obvious reluctance to tell him what it was, despite the fact that she risked coming here to precisely tell him this.

"What did you say?" he prompted.

"Promise you won't get angry?" she said, looking almost fearful.

"I promise."

"I said that I would have to reconsider marrying you," Xiao Yan Zi said in a voice so low that Yong Qi had to strain to understand. Then, more defensively, she continued, "I didn't mean it at all, I was just so frustrated with everything that happened today, I wasn't thinking...it was just the first thing that came into my mouth. But Huang Ah Ma misunderstood..."

Yong Qi heard what she said, but for now, did not allow himself to react to the actual words just yet, and just probed, "What did Huang Ah Ma say?"

"He said that if that was what I wanted...well, he would call off the engagement. Then he left before I could say anything else."

The Emperor does not joke. Well, that could go two ways, really, in this situation. Even then, Yong Qi was ninety percent sure that his father wasn't really serious about calling off the engagement, at least, not without at least having let him know. It was most likely a tease, or even a warning, to Xiao Yan Zi's careless tongue. So Yong Qi wasn't too worried about that. The worrying thing, of course, was Xiao Yan Zi's actual words.

It was not the first time since Lao Fo Ye's return to court that she outright said that she didn't want to marry him, so Yong Qi was not so shocked at such a statement made in a moment of anger and frustration. To love her, surely, was to accept that Xiao Yan Zi most of the time had no tact whatsoever and had a tendency to let her mouth run away with her. Still, he could not help but feel the sting of those words, despite knowing that it was just typical Xiao Yan Zi.

He sighed heavily and said, "I know you didn't mean it like that, Xiao Yan Zi, but you have to stop taking your frustration with Huang Ah Ma, and now Lao Fo Ye, out on me." He could not hold back the reproach in his voice. Her eyes flashed immediately, for a tiny moment, with the instinct to retort, but it disappeared even faster.

"I know," she said, sounding slightly disgruntled, "but all these rules, Yong Qi, I can't deal with them! And now Lao Fo Ye won't even let me go out of the palace, am I supposed to just be trapped in here? I can't! I'll die!"

In a way, Yong Qi understood this frustration. It may seem so trivial and silly to his father and Lao Fo Ye, but he realised that the fact that Xiao Yan Zi still willingly stayed in the palace at all was already a testament of her affection, not just for him, but also for Zi Wei, for Qian Long. The fact that she was still here was a comfort, and for now, it was enough to numb the pain of her words. But part of him still feared for the day when her patience and ability to bear it all would run out.

He stroked the red tassel of her headdress and said slowly, "What if I talked to Huang Ah Ma and asked him to give you special permission to go out on certain days to see Liu Qing Liu Hong and everyone else, and you try to behave a little in front of Lao Fo Ye? Lao Fo Ye is not only the Empress Dowager, she is also Huang Ah Ma's mother, my grandmother. So if you _do_ want to marry me, you will have to learn to live with her. Everything she does may seem harsh to you, but she doesn't want to harm you, Xiao Yan Zi. She just wants to uphold the values of the palace and is just very strict about it."

"All right, I'll try," Xiao Yan Zi said, pouting, "but I can't promise that I won't mess up, or say the wrong thing, or do something that will make Lao Fo Ye mad..."

"Just don't ever say you don't want to marry me in front of Lao Fo Ye. It may just be all that she needs. As for Huang Ah Ma, I don't think he was serious, but I promise if he does start the subject with me, I won't give in. But you can't say those things, Xiao Yan Zi, even if you don't mean them - especially if you don't mean them."

Xiao Yan Zi nodded. Then, she approached him, took his hand and looked at him with those large brown eyes, her lashes fluttering slightly. Shallow and tactless she might act sometimes, but it was moments like this that Yong Qi knew her eyes had more than enough depths to make up for it. What she could not express with words, she could with her eyes, when she chose to.

"You're not upset at me, are you?" she asked. "Because I don't really want any other husband but you."

Could he be mad at her, when she was looking at him like this and saying this? She so rarely did, so really, he didn't want to waste moments like this being angry or hurt, not when the fact that she was here was making up for it already. So he answered, "No, I'm not upset, not anymore," and smiled at her.

He wanted this moment to last forever, but eventually, it was Xiao Yan Zi who pulled away. "I should get out of here," she said, but she sounded reluctant. "We'd really be doomed if Lao Fo Ye finds me here, and then we probably wouldn't need my mouth to get us in trouble."

He knew she was right but couldn't help wanting to hold on to her for a while longer. But she had already fleeted away and was now standing across the room from him with a half smile on her face.

"Good night, Xiao Yan Zi," he whispered, because if he stood there much longer looking at her, he wouldn't want to let her go.

"Bye," she answered softly. She turned to go, but once she reached the door, she suddenly turned back, ran to his side, brushed her lips ever so slightly against his cheek, before flying away and disappearing through the door again.

* * *

A/N: This oneshot came from a discussion in a forum that started with the remake of HZGG and then predictably goes completely off topic. Part of the discussion was that it seemed like YQ loved XYZ more than she loved YQ, which in a way is true, and I think kind of shows through this. Also, one of the comments was that XYZ/YQ did not seem sincere/deep as EK/ZW, for a number of reason, including the fact that XYZ made the comment that she's actually rethinking about marrying YQ. To be honest, that comment annoyed me too and made me think...well, be careful what you wish for :p.

And people, click on the link to the HZGG fanfic category and go to the main index for this category. There is actually someone else other than me writing HZGG fic. Yeah. I know. Shocking. Please go read Arya's story, it's great!


	9. Red

**VIII. Red**

* * *

_Kind of a sequel to "White"._

_Talks of wedding. Zi Wei recalls the first wedding she attended, when Xiao Yan Zi played Robin Hood without the band of merry men :P_

* * *

"Well, we may need to start thinking about when Zi Wei and I should start heading back to Beijing," Er Kang said when the three couples gathered together in a room at the home of Xiao Jian's godfather.

It was a beautiful late summer afternoon, made even more glorious by the fact that they were all together and for the first time in a long time, feeling free. But Er Kang's reminder that he and Zi Wei could not stay indefinitely dimmed the mood slightly, as they came to terms with the fact that they will soon be parting. Er Kang and Zi Wei would return to Beijing, to the palace, while Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi, Xiao Jian and Qing Er would stay in Dali.

It wasn't supposed to be like this, really. Looking around at his companions, Yong Qi knew they were not letting themselves really take in the idea of being away from each other, separated by so many miles, for an indefinite length of time. He certainly was somewhat in denial about it - not that he desired to return to the palace, with all the things and _people_ he left behind...but still, it would certainly be painful to think about it. Maybe it was selfish, but he could not bear to think of those painful things right now, not when they just finally had something to be happy about.

"Well," Xiao Yan Zi said, smiling, in an attempt to raise the somewhat somber mood, "you can't leave yet, especially when we have a wedding to plan, first."

"Oh?" Er Kang feinted ignorance and peered at Xiao Jian who avoided his eyes and Qing Er who buried her face in her hands in embarrassment as the others snickered quietly. They have not had time to talk about Qing Er and Xiao Jian's impending marriage ever since the five of them reunited with Er Kang, seeing as they were too busy with other complications, like Er Kang's addiction to the hellish white powder. However, Yong Qi was sure that Er Kang had deduced that for Qing Er to be here must mean that she was here to stay, with Xiao Jian.

Zi Wei was kind enough to hold back her laughter at the couple's embarassment and just said with a smile, "Well, before we actually have a wedding, maybe I should start teaching Qing Er how to cook. After all, you won't have servants waiting on you hand and foot now."

"Do you even know what a kitchen looks like?" Xiao Yan Zi teased Qing Er, who blushed even more deeply.

Yong Qi could not believe Xiao Yan Zi set up such a trap for herself and could not resist snapping it shut. "I'm sorry, Xiao Yan Zi, sweetheart, but _you _are the last person to tease anyone about cooking," he said with a smirk.

Everyone laughed, while Xiao Yan Zi protested loudly, "What is _that _supposed to mean?"

Yong Qi shrugged. "It means that only now, when I am faced with living the rest of my life on your cooking that I realise how lucky I've been in the last four years of our marriage. Zi Wei, I _really_ hope you have more success with teaching Qing Er to cook more than you did with Xiao Yan Zi, otherwise I might be facing an early demise after all, from food poisoning."

This only made everyone laugh harder while now both Zi Wei and Xiao Yan Zi were trying to defend themselves indignantly.

"That's not fair," Xiao Yan Zi cried, "if you are that adversed to my cooking one would wonder why you married me!"

"Not for your cooking, apparently," Er Kang laughed.

Meanwhile, Zi Wei was trying to get her explanation heard.

"No, no, no, Yong Qi, I take no responsibility for Xiao Yan Zi being a disaster in the kitchen. She was like that from before I came along. Heaven knows where she learnt because Liu Hong is a decent cook." By now, Xiao Yan Zi had given up protest, and Zi Wei turned to Xiao Jian. "So rest assured, Xiao Jian, that when I am finished your wife will be a decent, if not brilliant cook, unlike your sister."

"Thank you so much," Xiao Yan Zi shot Zi Wei a dirty look.

Only Qing Er, who had never had the misfortune of eating something Xiao Yan Zi cooked, thought to defend Xiao Yan Zi. "Oh come on, she can't be _that _bad."

"Thank you!" Xiao Yan Zi exclaimed, more lively now. "Thank you! See, Qing Er is the only good one among you lot to defend me."

Everyone else shook their heads and exchanged looks that agreed, "Yes, she was that bad."

"Xiao Yan Zi, I don't think even I can defend you on this," Xiao Jian said between laughs.

"I'm sorry," Zi Wei pressed on mercilessly, "but I have to say Xiao Yan Zi is the only person I know who can burn water and confuse soya sauce with white vinegar. Yes, _white _vinegar, not black."

"It just means," Er Kang said, "that Yong Qi, you should just give up and make it a habit of eating with Qing Er and Xiao Jian. And hope that, yes, Zi Wei will be able to teach Qing Er to cook."

By now even Xiao Yan Zi could not help chuckles of her own now.

"So am I supposed to wait until Qing Er masters the art of cooking before getting married now?" Xiao Jian asked.

It was Qing Er's turn to tease, as she said, still with a slight blush on her cheek, "Well, at least you can be assured you will be marrying the right person." Zi Wei, Xiao Yan Zi, Er Kang and Yong Qi groaned collectively.

"That was all your fault, you know, Qing Er," Xiao Yan Zi said. "If you hadn't dwaddled gazing at my brother like a love sick fool you would have came in in time with the jewellery and we wouldn't have been late."

"We would have been late anyway considering you _ate _the apple," Zi Wei said.

"You - ate - the - apple?" Yong Qi repeated, punctuating each word, staring at Xiao Yan Zi incredulously.

Then again, why was he surprised?

"I was starving!" she said defensively.

"We should have expected the chaos that came after, really," Zi Wei said, "because what a sign that was!"

"No one told me I couldn't eat it!" Xiao Yan Zi pouted.

"Actually they probably did, you just didn't listen," Yong Qi commented dryly, earning himself a glare and a sharp elbow in the ribs from his wife.

"One thing is for sure, I don't think the palace will ever venture a double wedding any time soon," Er Kang said.

"I just can't believe that Huang Ah Ma did once consider marrying me off to you and it actually came true," Xiao Yan Zi said, shaking her head. "I mean, how creepy is that? I can't believe I came that close to being stuck with you. No offense."

Er Kang just laughed. "Don't worry, Xiao Yan Zi, it wasn't the finest moment of my life either, lifting that veil and seeing your face. I really don't know what would have happened if we had really been stuck with each other."

"You probably would have killed each other within a week," Yong Qi said, still rubbing his painful side, thinking that Xiao Yan Zi needed to gain some weight because she had really sharp elbows. "Good for you that I can't marry Zi Wei, then."

"I think it's just Xiao Yan Zi's luck," Zi Wei giggled. "Maybe she just has to do the ceremony three times to invoke a charm to get married or something."

"Zi Wei!" Xiao Yan Zi practically screamed, but Yong Qi already caught it.

He raised an eyebrow, forgetting the bruise that was probably forming on his side. "_Three_ times? _Excuse_ me? Zi Wei, what do you know that I don't?" He was sure it wasn't anything horrible, but Xiao Yan Zi's reaction had got his curiosity up, and he wasn't about to let it go without finding out exactly what Zi Wei meant by that statement.

Xiao Yan Zi was putting up a lot of protest, trying to clap her hand over Zi Wei's mouth, who was twisting away from her.

"No, no, no! Shut up!" Xiao Yan Zi was whining, but Zi Wei was laughing and scooting out of her reach.

"You know, I want to know too," Xiao Jian looked at Xiao Yan Zi's red face curiously.

Yong Qi pulled Xiao Yan Zi away from his sister so that she could sit down and tell the story. He placed an arm firmly around his wife to hold her down. She was scowling fiercely at Zi Wei, who just smirked.

"The first time I met Xiao Yan Zi – and I can't believe she never told you any of this, Yong Qi – "

"Of course I'm not about to tell him!" Xiao Yan Zi grumbled, which just made Zi Wei smile more widely.

"Anyway, the first time I met Xiao Yan Zi was at a wedding. And she was the bride."

Zi Wei paused dramatically and everyone but Xiao Yan Zi was hanging on to her every word. Yong Qi glanced over at his wife and saw that her blush had deepened, so that she was as red as he had ever seen her. It only made him more curious and he patiently waited for Zi Wei to continue telling her story. Meanwhile, Xiao Jian was also looking quizzically at Xiao Yan Zi's uncharacteristic blush, his eyebrow raised in confusion.

"I was _not_ the bride!" Xiao Yan Zi protested loudly. "I was standing in for the bride who was trying to kill herself the day before to escape the marriage!"

"Same difference," Zi Wei shrugged. Then, she continued, "It was the wedding of the son of Liang Ding Gui."

Immediately Er Kang interrupted, "What? What were you doing at a wedding in his house? That scoundrel!"

"I was trying to get in touch with Huang Ah Ma and it was the only way I knew how. I thought I could you know, try to get in on his good side or something. Anyway obviously it was a bad idea, but it did mean I met Xiao Yan Zi which was the best thing that ever happened so be quiet and let me tell the story!"

"Considering I am the best thing that's ever happened to you, I wonder why you're torturing me like this," Xiao Yan Zi whined, literally stomping her foot.

"Because I love you," Zi Wei said sweetly. "So the ceremony was over, the 'bride' was inside the chamber and the groom was out entertaining guests. I was trying to talk to Liang Ding Gui when suddenly from the inner chambers, chaos broke out and people kept shouting that the bride had been switched, and I'm dying to laugh at the irony right now. Then came Xiao Yan Zi in the bride's dress and a huge pack of stolen things on her back. What did she call it later? Oh yes, stealing from the rich to give to the poor. Anyway, she was trying to escape the people trying to chase her for stealing. Of course in the end to make it out, she had to leave everything behind. Somehow in the chaos, Jin Suo and I got pushed out into the streets and there were soldiers looking for Xiao Yan Zi all over the place. Suddenly I felt a tug at my side and there she was hiding in a huge basket and basically it came down to me to either hide her or report her. I must have had too much sun or something because I decided to protect someone who, for all I knew, was a kidnapper and a thief."

"You sat on my _head_," Xiao Yan Zi cried indignantly. Her expression was so comical that everyone had to laugh.

"I'm sorry, are you _still_ not over that? I saved your life!" her friend answered in a mocking tone.

"Well in any case, you are right, you were insane to protect me when you knew nothing about me. It's a wonder you made it to Beijing alive!" Xiao Yan Zi rolled her eyes.

"Yes, well, that was about the gist of my conversation with her then, too," Zi Wei said. "She saw through my disguise and saw that I was a girl immediately, of course."

"A five year old would have recognised you as a girl!" Xiao Yan Zi retorted. "You were too pretty, your skin was white and smooth like a boiled egg."

"So, anyway, in the first five minutes of speaking with her, Xiao Yan Zi managed to convince to me that stealing was perfectly the right thing to do if you stole from the right people and used the goods appropriately."

"Half of Liang Ding Gui's wealth was made up of embezzlement of taxes, it belonged to the people anyway," Xiao Yan Zi scoffed. "I was just getting it to where it really belonged, where it could do some good to people! Not that it worked but what in life had ever been that easy, really?"

"So yes, that's the first wedding Xiao Yan Zi took part in and that's how I met her," Zi Wei quickly finished, lest Xiao Yan Zi went into a more intensive rant about Survival in the Big Wild World.

"So basically you and Xiao Yan Zi met in the middle of a fight?" Xiao Jian asked, laughing.

"Well, technically yes. Now that you mentioned it, what is it with us and life-threatening meetings? I mean, Xiao Yan Zi and I met while she was running for her life. Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi when he almost killed her. Er Kang and I met when he almost ordered soldiers to kill me. So when you think about it, you and Qing Er are the only couple here that had a remotely healthy meeting."

"So maybe that might be a more auspicious sign for your wedding," Er Kang chuckled. "Anyway, for both of your sanity, I hope that this wedding _will_ go smoothly."

"I don't know, you might find there are spies outside your chamber on the wedding night," Xiao Yan Zi said innocently, her eyes wide. Yong Qi started coughing and Xiao Jian looked distinctly uncomfortable. Qing Er blushed and buried her face in her hands again in embarrassment.

Xiao Jian put up his hands as if in surrender. "Please, I hope you would spare me!"

Xiao Yan Zi's smile widened and batted her eye lashes at her brother. "You'll find that pay back is hell, Brother." Yong Qi had to marvel at how fast she managed to bounce back from her own embarassment and steered the attention away from her and to something else equally embarassing...for someone else.

"What?" Zi Wei asked, looking from Xiao Yan Zi's dangerously mild expression to Qing Er's glowing blush peeking out of her hands, to Xiao Jian's wariness to Yong Qi's slightly evil smirk. Er Kang was wearing a politely puzzled expression.

"On our wedding night, you would think that after all that chaos, people would leave us alone, but _no_," Yong Qi recalled, "a certain _cousin _and _brother_ and _other friends_ who shall not be named by are either married to or carry the family name of Liu, decided that they would spy outside our door."

Er Kang guffawed while Zi Wei clapped a hand to her mouth to stifle her giggles.

"I just still can't believe that Xiao Yan Zi thought we were thieves," Qing Er giggled. "I mean, really, the place was brimming with guests, how would thieves had got in?"

"I think I was more appalled that at that moment, thieves were on her mind at all," Yong Qi chuckled.

"What else was I supposed to think?" Xiao Yan Zi protested. "I mean, I should know from experience that because there are so many guests that a thief could easily get in. Besides, you guys were making enough noise to wake the dead! And it was near the fifth watch by then! Did we get any sleep that night? _No_."

While everyone laughed, Yong Qi was caught up in the memory of that night and smiled wryly to himself. He would, of course, had given up sleep that night for time for other things, but he didn't even have time for _that_ that night. Not that he would say such a thing, with Xiao Yan Zi's brother sitting right there.

* * *

"They really did spy on you on your wedding night?" Zi Wei asked later that day, when she and Xiao Yan Zi were alone together. She could not help asking about the thing that had made her curious since their conversation earlier.

Xiao Yan Zi rolled her eyes. "Yes and you would think it you were going to be peeping into someone's bedroom, you'd be quiet about it. They kind of ruined the mood too," she sighed, remembering being rudely interrupted from a kiss by the sounds of giggling and whisperings outside the door.

Zi Wei stifled a giggle. "Well I hope they didn't see anything too compromising."

"As if, we didn't have time to do anything that night, you know."

"What?"

"It was the fifth watch by the time everyone cleared off and we were both exhausted. Besides," here, Xiao Yan Zi blushed, "then I didn't really know what was supposed to happen so…we just slept. For like two hours then we had to get up."

"Wait, are you telling me that _nothing_ happened on your wedding night?"

Xiao Yan Zi just shrugged.

"But what – what about the white silk – surely someone wold have known – ?"

"I think Ling Fei knew because when she came the next morning she asked me all sorts of questions but then I didn't really know what she was talking about…in retrospect…well…it was obvious what she was trying to find out. But I was…well…I think in the end she asked Yong Qi."

Zi Wei realised Ling Fei probably got an explanation out of Yong Qi and was satisfied enough to cover it up. Otherwise Lao Fo Ye would have certainly asked about it. She could not imagine how a clueless Xiao Yan Zi would answer to Lao Fo Ye's probing about _this_. She wasn't sure if such a conversation took place, who it would be more painful on - Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi or Lao Fo Ye.

"That must had been awkward."

It suddenly hit Zi Wei with irony to consider Yong Qi's wedding night with Zhi Hua. She didn't know whether to laugh or sympathise with her poor brother. With Xiao Yan Zi, he didn't have enough time to do anything, though from the way he looked at her sometimes, Zi Wei wondered how he managed it at all. And yet with Zhi Hua, the night was probably too long altogether and still nothing happened.

"To be honest," Xiao Yan Zi said, a light blush gracing her cheeks. She glanced around before continuing, "To be honest, that night it didn't seem like much of a loss. I mean, I really was exhausted, I'd been up since the crack of dawn and had a huge panic attack. I just wanted to sleep. I mean, it's not as if anyone ever told me what was supposed to happen."

No. No one did. Zi Wei felt again the impact of Xiao Yan Zi having to grow up without a mother. Ling Fei apparently took it for granted that they knew something. Zi Wei's own mother had explained a little to her, though it had been more of a reaction to changes she had to go through. She didn't exactly know the details, but at least she knew _something_ other than sleep was supposed to happen. But Xiao Yan Zi would had truly been clueless.

"I think that's why Yong Qi didn't try to initiate anything that night too," Xiao Yan Zi said, still blushing. "I guess he realised I had no idea what was going on and…frankly we were both too tired. But then after that...well, it was...fine."

Zi Wei chortled. "I should hope so."

"This can sound totally wrong, but when he was away, that was when I missed him most," Xiao Yan Zi confessed. "I can get through the days fine, there were enough things to keep me occupied. But the nights were so painfully long and lonely that now I wonder how I got through them at all. And then I would get afraid...if he doesn't come back, to go on like that for the rest of my life..."

"I know," Zi Wei said.

"It's not even the – you know – physical part of it – it's just the comfort – "

" – of knowing that he is there," Zi Wei nodded. She understood, really. She understood everything that Xiao Yan Zi was too shy or did not have words to express. After all, she had thought that she'd lost Er Kang forever...

"Do you think it's absurd how much I depend on Yong Qi now?" Xiao Yan Zi sighed.

"Why would you think that?" Zi Wei frowned.

"Well, it's just that…before I met him, if anyone ever told me one day I would actually feel lost without someone in my life – let alone a man – I would have laughed…Is it even healthy to be so…reliant on him?" Xiao Yan Zi looked at Zi Wei with a pensive expression.

"Surely you don't regret loving him!" Zi Wei exclaimed. Of course she didn't believe that Xiao Yan Zi did, but still, she couldn't quite see where this was going.

"Oh, no, not like that!" Xiao Yan Zi said immediately. Then, more slowly, as if still trying to put her meanings into words, she said, "It's just everything that had happened with Zhi Hua and even with the war, it just all made me realise that I really can't live properly without him. It's not just an expression anymore. What if something _else_ happened, something really bad? When it comes to Yong Qi, I have so little control over how I feel and how I react, so much that it scares me."

Zi Wei could tell that Xiao Yan Zi was trying not to indulge in the fears but she could also see how these fears took form. It was just not left over insecurities over the Zhi Hua situation that was making Xiao Yan Zi feel this. It was the fact that Er Kang had all but died that triggered those fears too. Before the war, they had all faced death many times, but it never came. And this time, Er Kang did practically die, and it just made all of them realise, death was more real than anything they had ever encountered. They really wouldn't live a thousand years.

"If it was something that could be controlled, then it would affect us this much," she pointed out. "We could not have resisted the feelings, could we?"

"No," Xiao Yan Zi sighed. "No, I don't suppose we could have. Sometimes I still don't know _why_ I love him so much, or why he loves _me_ so much. I should never worry about dying by beheading; love will probably kill me in the end somehow. Sometimes I feel like we are just characters of a very dodgy romance novel where the author just wants to heap more pain and trouble on us, just for his or her twisted satisfaction."

Zi Wei thought for a moment, before replying, "Well how do you know it isn't true?"

Xiao Yan Zi looked at her with wide eyes and just said blandly, "Then we're all doomed, aren't we?"


	10. First

**IX. First**

The first woman to hold him was the midwife, not that Yong Qi remembered that.

The first woman to kiss him was his mother, when she first took him from the midwife's arms, not that Yong Qi remembered that either.

The first woman to love him was also his mother, who loved him from the moment she took him from the midwife's arms. That, Yong Qi remembered. She would always tell him, when he was old enough to understand, that he was her saviour. She indulged him, perhaps even spoiled him a little, but in return, his future was her future. In him, she placed all hopes, hopes for prestige, for greatness, for esteem, because his father greatly favoured him, and through him, she would reap the rewards while he was too young to appreciate them.

Later, his wife would put up a vehement argument against using one's child as a tool to gain advantages in the court, but even then, he could not blame his mother for having done that much. It was, after all, everything a woman in her place could do to survive. The fact that she benefited from his position did not make her love for him conditional, nor did it lessen his respect and love for her.

Therefore, the first woman he cried for was her, when she died. He was eight, and before that moment, he had always believed that they would really live a thousand years. But that belief shattered as, on her deathbed, his mother held his hand tight and asked him to promise that he would make her proud and make every hurt she suffered in the palace as a concubine worth it. He didn't understand completely then, but later he realised what it was to make her proud. It was to be the best son and subject to his father as he could be, to obtain all the glories in his reach and that was his right. And one of those glories was Xin Rong.

Xin Rong was a series of first. She was the first girl he ever met. That meeting had taken place when they were just days old, and neither of them remembered it. She was the first girl who had cried because of him, because he took away her doll when they were six months old and just learning to sit. His mother had chided him and gave Xin Rong back the doll. She had looked at him with big tearful eyes that later might have mesmerised a man; but he was not yet one, and those eyes had no effect on him. She was the first girl he had ever kissed. It was an innocent kiss on the cheek between two three-years-olds, because he had accidentally tripped her and his nanny said he should kiss her to apologise. He didn't really care, he just wanted to get the apologising over with so he could be free to run again, so it was quickly done, and forgotten.

Xin Rong was also the first girl he was ever engaged to, not that Xiao Yan Zi knew that, or ever thought to ask. They were five and their mothers were friends. It was a natural progression, really. It didn't hurt that her father was distantly related to the Emperor, his father. It didn't hurt that she was of totally appropriate background and it was, to everyone's eyes, a perfect match. It was perfect, because when you were five, no one ever thought about whether love would blossom once you were fifteen, or twenty-five. Not that it mattered, anyway. Where you come from and who your family is and your background were all that mattered, and hers were perfect.

From that moment on, people in the palace called her Xin Rong Ge Ge, because it was all arranged. Eventually, one day, she would be a Wang Fei. But for now, Ge Ge was the next best thing.

When his mother died, she practically grieved with the role of a daughter-in-law, and no one saw any breach of etiquette in that. Because it was practically true, really.

Then they grew up and apart, because in this society and in this court, they were from two different worlds. Sun and moon. Ying and yang. They would grow up apart, before growing old together. Or at least, that was the plan.

She was ill. He came to see her. She was the first girl he had been totally alone in a room with. With just the two of them in that room, with her last breaths, she asked him to grant a wish. The wish was a kiss, a real kiss. So she was the first girl he kissed on the lips, and the first girl he whispered those three words to. But as soon as the words were free from his lips, he realised they weren't true, and he didn't know their meaning in the first place. But still, she died then, with a smile on her lips, and she was the first girl he had made happy. He only regretted that it was only for that moment. They were sixteen.

The first girl who he realised was too good to exist was Zi Wei. She was also the first girl who he had placed a humble request to, instead of simply demanding for a favour. That was when he asked her to consider the situation of her mixed-up identity carefully, to keep her sworn-sister alive.

That was also when he realised what length he was going through for another girl.

Zi Wei was probably also the first person to realise what length he was going through for that other girl.

That other girl was the first girl he nearly killed, also the first girl to ever put his life in danger, multiple times. She, who took his life by storm, threw everything he knew into chaos and forced him to learn the meaning of those three words he had uttered only once before. She was the first girl who made him smile without meaning to, who made him believe in fate, in miracles, in just pure joy. She was, surprisingly, the first girl he had ever really been angry with, because she could be just so infuriating sometimes!

For the first time, he purposefully went out of his way to deceive, to lie, to hide from his father, and it was for her. He had broken laws and pushed every boundaries of his upbringing, and it was for her. Sometimes, he would ask himself why, what it was about her that drove him to do these things he would never otherwise consider doing, if it wasn't for her. In the end, he couldn't answer, because it was then that he realised she was a bundle of contracdictions.

_She _would deceive, lie, break laws and push every boundaries that she should had been brought up with, but it was never for herself. It was to put food on the table for the children and elderly that depended on her for their living; it was to help her sworn-sister find her father; it was to return that said father to her sworn-sister; it was to help a foreign princess trapped as an imperial concubine to be free...

Free...She taught him the meaning of freedom, the notion that there is not a worry in the world. And she allowed him to be free around her; in her innocence, she accepted him, with no expectation, no preconception, no reservations. Around her, he allowed _himself _to be free. Before her, he didn't realise what he was missing.

With her, for the first time, he realised that perfection shouldn't come from arrangements, but from what is left to come naturally, at its own pace and in its own time. Perfection was not caged, but left to spread its wing to take you to unchartered territories that you have never been before, to explore and bask in the possibilities. And in those possiblities, you will find perfection.

And one of those possibilities was the possiblity of _them_.

No one looking in would ever think them to be a good match. That, Yong Qi knew too well. They were, after all, a world part. And yet, they belonged together. He didn't know this when he first met her, of course. But now, there was no doubt. They didn't belong together because she could recite poetry to him or that he would talk to her in long flowery speeches. In fact, he knew he if ever tried, he'd be more likely to give her a headache and a bad temper than to make her smile. Instead, _her_ idea of spending good time together involved swords and fights. Granted, it wasn't as leisurely or peaceful, and almost always involved him worrying the whole time about her getting hurt, but considering how they met, well, it just fit. They belonged together for all the arguments that they got into along the way, even if those arguments were over the stupidest things, like stealing persimmons or learning cheng yu. None of it probably would ever make sense to anyone looking in, but did that matter? Who did they need to prove their feelings to but themselves?

She was Xiao Yan Zi, and the first girl he ever loved; she would be the only he would ever love. He didn't need the temptation of other pretty girls, available in abundance in the palace, to realise this or to prove this. There was a completion when he was around her that he was sure he would never feel with anyone else. He had certainly never felt like this with Xin Rong. It was not a fair comparison, he knew. But Yong Qi could not help but wonder sometimes, if Xin Rong was still alive, whether it would ever feel like this. Certainly not, because she and Xin Rong were so very different. And for that, despite a touch of guilt, Yong Qi was still glad that he never had to choose between Xin Rong and Xiao Yan Zi; such a choice would had shattered both their innocence - the innocence in Xin Rong that was so rare in the palace and the innocence in Xiao Yan that made her so loveable.

And tonight, he would marry Xiao Yan Zi, for eternity. When he first shot her with that arrow, he would never had foreseen this day. Even when he met her later, properly, for the first time in the garden, he would never had expected that small, pretty girl to one day cause so much change in him and in his life.

Sometimes he would wonder whether his mother would have approved, or if she would have been disappointed that his bride was not Xin Rong. But then that was something that he would never know. He could only hope that ultimately she would want him to be happy, and that was the most precious dowry he would ever want Xiao Yan Zi to bring with her to this marriage. Life with Xiao Yan Zi would never be peaceful, but it would never boring either. He hardly expected to argue less with her just because they were married; in fact they might end up arguing more, seeing as how they would be together all the time, with more opportunities to find things to disagree on. But it was only until he met Xiao Yan Zi that he realised he was sick of a life where everyone obeyed his every whim and that it was actually a relief to have someone who would actually have no fear saying no. So life with Xiao Yan Zi would always be interesting, and he could never be unhappy because of that.

It wouldn't be easy, this journey they were starting tonight together, because Xiao Yan Zi was not born into this role, and probably would never fit completely into his world. It would undoubtedly take countless arguments, tears and temper tantrums, the last from both of them, for her to even get used to being his wife, a role with even more demands than as a princess. But he had not come this far for nothing and he could only trust that his love will be enough in the end to help the two of them on this journey. She might not be the first his family - or anyone else for that matter - would pick for him as his wife, but that didn't matter. It wasn't about anyone's choice, it was about his choice. And what mattered was that for now, and forever, she would always be the first in his heart.

* * *

**A/N: **Xin Rong Ge Ge is a new character from the new HZGG. Oh god. I think the remake actually has a love **pentagon **involving Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi now. I see a disaster in the making.

**Tweetie:** Your suggestion is something I've definitely thought about...though to be honest I think it's kind of obvious how he would find out. I mean, the birthmark is on her butt, so... Anyway, I just wonder if I can keep the story PG if I write it :P. We'll see.


	11. Crazy

**X. Crazy – or The Mutant Plot Bunny and What Became of It**

* * *

_This was originally posted on my blog (ruanchunxian. blogspot. com – where I may occasionally talk about HZGG and fanfic among other things) but I thought I might as well put it here. _

_There is nothing that could excuse the - ahem - story that is coming up, except lack of sleep and over-indulgence of caffeine. This is a sort of crossover/outtake with my other fic, The Prince and Me. I can only say this, if you are a Twilight fan and happened to stumble on this, I hope you won't be too offended because none was meant. If you have no concept of Twilight references, well, what rock have you been hiding under? :P Anyway, if you really don't get Twilight references, this won't make a whole lot of sense. _

_Standard disclaimer applies._

* * *

Everything around her smelled like freesia. Or maybe it was lavender. It made her mouth water.

About three things Xiao Yan Zi was absolutely positive.

First, there was no way flowery smells could make one's mouth water. Flowers were not food, no matter how it sounded like flour. Even then, flour on its own wasn't particularly appetising either.

Second, no one could confuse the smell of lavender with _freesia_. They were two completely different scents.

And third, she wasn't unconditionally and irrevocably in love with a vampire.

But as it was, this wasn't reality, therefore, the world smelled like lavender. Or freesia. And it made her mouth water. As for the vampire? Well, she was pretty sure they didn't exist, even in a world where freesia and lavender smelled the same.

She was seated the front seat of a shiny silver Volvo, though she was not sure how she knew that, considering she was inside the car and normally wouldn't be able to tell the make of one car from another to save her life. She was not sure who was driving, but the car was moving ridiculously fast, going over hundreds of miles an hour. Logic would dictate that it was impossible for a car to move that fast on a Beijing road, but apparently, the driver (whoever they were) were just that good of a driver and had awesome reflexes. Of course, logic would also dictate that it didn't matter how awesome a driver was and how fast his reflexes were, no car could possibly move faster than the car in front of them on a straight road without eventually causing an accident. Still, the car and its driver defied logic.

Xiao Yan Zi looked over just to see who the driver was, and for a moment, all she could do was blink. It was not the sunlight shining through the window that was stopping her from seeing. She was temporarily blinded by the way the driver's skin sparkled, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.

As her eyes adjusted to the impossible refractions of light from smooth skin, she recognised who was sitting beside her in the car. It was Er Kang. She supposed in that halo-like glow of sun and sparkles around him, she should think he was some kind of god, an angel, too glorious to be beside her. But the only thing she could think of doing was laugh hysterically at the idea of Er Kang sparkling in the sunlight like he just poured a bucket of body glitter over his head. She bit her bottom lip to stop herself from laughing, hoping his hearing was not too acute to detect the laugh still bubbling up from her lungs, and that he could not read her mind.

He drove silently, not looking at her. She, on the other hand, could not seem to keep her eyes off him. Perhaps it was because he sat so perfectly still, like a sculpted statue, despite the fact that he was driving at break-neck speed. Or maybe it was because his scintillating arms were totally bare, glinting in the sunlight, as they stretched to grip the steering wheel. Still, they didn't speak to each other. She supposed usually neither of them were particularly verbose. Was that the right word, verbose? Didn't that mean that a person had the tendency to use unnecessary long, complicated words? She wished she had a dictionary to check, because if that was what _verbose_ meant, it wasn't the word she was looking for. She actually was looking for a word that meant talkative. Well, why couldn't she use talkative then? Yes. Neither of them were talkative to each other, normally.

Xiao Yan Zi didn't know how long they drove with that impossible speed, but the next thing she knew, they stopped at the edge of a forest.

Wait. Forest? In Beijing? Huh?

Had they gone out of Beijing, already? Even then, this didn't look like anything anywhere near Beijing. She was chagrined. But could she deny the unfamiliar forest that was sprawling in front of her eyes? No, it looked too green to someone so used to the bustling city. An alien sight, impossible to ignore.

Despite the fact that she was now out of the car, the world still smelled of lavender. Or freesia. She still couldn't decide. And did she eat anything that morning? Because for some reason, the scent of flowers _still_ made her mouth water!

Er Kang was out of the car too, sparkling more gloriously than ever now, so that Xiao Yan Zi had to squint to look at him. A normal Xiao Yan Zi would wonder why she was standing in the middle of nowhere alone, beside a car she didn't recognise, with Er Kang. Not that there was anything _wrong _or untrustworthy about him, really. No, on contrary, she knew she could trust Er Kang to keep her safe anywhere, but to actually be out alone with him was just...bizarre.

He grabbed her hand and pulled, nearly dragged, her with him into the forest.

Think: Fu Er Kang was dragging her into a deserted forest that she didn't even realise existed.

With chagrin, she wondered to herself why she didn't feel any panic. He was moving way too fast, and she could not keep up, but it didn't matter, because a moment later, Xiao Yan Zi realised that he was actually carrying her on his back, while running at break-neck speed. She felt like a monkey on his back, gripping his shoulders with all ther fingers spread out like spider legs. But that was the only way she could ever keep up with his awesome, unbelievable and godlike speed and strength. She wondered how it was possible that she was moving at the speed of a charging bullet and somehow didn't hit her face on anything in the dense forest, or even more likely, go deaf from the pressure pushing in and the wind whistling in her ears.

Finally, they reached the top of the mountain (what mountain?) so that now the sun was shining fully on them, and Er Kang's face glittered even more blindingly than ever. He turned to her, with an expression that she thought was meant to be menacing and fierce and brooding like that of a Byronic hero. But because this was a face that was glittering like diamonds in the sunlight, Er Kang's expression only made Xiao Yan Zi wonder whether he was just depressed. Then again, if he was, she could hardly blame him, a man as he was, sparkling as he was.

Then he said to her, in a voice that was meant to be self-loathing, but just sounded bored and depressed, "You should stay away from me."

Xiao Yan Zi thought this was an odd thing to say, considering he had dragged her here, and told him so. He, however, ignored her and continued as if she had not spoken. "You are my life now. But you should stay away from me. Do you see this? THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER!"

For a moment, Xiao Yan Zi could only stare at him. Yeah, sure, so he was working in law enforcement, but as far as she knew, Er Kang had never actually killed anyone. So what was he on about? And since when was she _his _life?

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

Before the last words had quite made it out of her mouth, Er Kang had grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her closer to him. His grip was like steel, so it was a wonder that every bone in her arms wasn't crushed, and he held her so that their faces were almost touching.

"I love you," Er Kang finally murmured.

Xiao Yan Zi gasped and struggled out of his grip, and shouted, "Are you on drug?"

"No, I've imprinted on you, and the impriting magic in me tells me to choose the best partner to carry on my genes and that's you, so now I'm in love with you. It doesn't matter that I've been in a relationship with your best friend and sworn sister for the last two years and I was going to marry her! I love you now. Because it's magic! Why are you not saying you love me back? Why are you not submitting to me?"

The last bit came out like a wolfish howl.

Xiao Yan Zi was terrified now, because Er Kang looked livid. He claimed to love her and yet at her rejection, he looked livid, demanding that she submit to him. That was enough reason for her to want to avoid him like a vampire now, since no decent guy would be angry at a rejection. Disappointed, sad, yes. Angry, not. But it didn't matter, because for Xiao Yan Zi there could only be one answer. If Er Kang said it was magic, then he was the one under a spell, not her.

"I will never love you," she shouted.

Er Kang howled even louder, and suddenly, there was an explosion of fur. The next thing Xiao Yan Zi knew, sharp claws flew at her; she tasted blood, and then everything faded to black.

* * *

_Let's face it, it's a Twilight reference galore so if you haven't read the Twilight series, most of this will just sound like a really badly written short story. I just want to explain use of characters in this "crossover fanfiction"._

_So what does HZGG have anything to do with Twilight, you ask. _

_Well, nothing. _

_All this started out as a proper chapter of The Prince and Me, where Xiao Yan is persuaded by Yong Qi's little sister, He Jia, to read the Twilight series. Being a history major, she is appalled at the historical inaccuracies in the Twilight series (rich banker in America in the 1930s, anyone?) and promptly goes into a rant. I started writing a chapter where Xiao Yan complains to Yong Qi about Twilight, but it soon became like an anti-Twilight rant disguised as HZGG fanfiction, so I scraped that chapter (actually I still have that chapter but it probably won't go make its way into The Prince and Me). Then this mutant plot bunny came into my head instead, begging me to write it and here it is. It is a collection of some of the things that made me laugh in Twilight, for all the wrong reasons, and the end is what I think Emily should have done, but probably what would happen to her if she continued to refuse Sam. _

_Please don't hold me responsible for this. The mutant bunny made me do it. _


	12. Night

**XI. Night**

_"I think Xiao jie couldn't sleep, she keeps tossing and turning. Only Xiao Yan Zi can sleep in this situation, she's even snoring." ~ Jin Suo_

* * *

Zi Wei couldn't sleep. It wasn't the cold, it wasn't the discomfort of her bed. Rather, it was because Xiao Yan Zi had just turned over yet again beside her and it was driving her mad. She knew that Xiao Yan Zi wasn't asleep, no matter how she pretended to be by faking snores. Zi Wei had shared a bed with Xiao Yan Zi many times before and was sure she didn't normally snore.

Zi Wei suppressed a sigh. She hated not being able to sleep because she would only spend the time thinking in circles, which would then be more reason to keep her awake. She glanced over at Xiao Yan Zi who wasn't prone to being kept awake by anything; she could probably sleep through an earthquake. But that night, it seemed that there was something about the temple, whatever it was, that was making Xiao Yan Zi unnaturally restless. Zi Wei would never imagine Xiao Yan Zi being afraid of ghosts but she had been as terrified as Zi Wei and Jin Suo when they first entered the temple. Even after they found out the "ghosts" weren't really ghosts, Xiao Yan Zi still seemed strangely uncomfortable with where they were spending the night. Now she was keeping Zi Wei awake, but Zi Wei didn't have the heart to tell her off. All other things considered, who would be able to sleep this night?

Liu Qing was on watch, she saw him get up and trade places with Yong Qi earlier. She also saw Jin Suo get up to follow him, which was a curious thing to consider. It might be that Jin Suo got just as bothered by Xiao Yan Zi's tossing and turning as her, but Zi Wei made a note to herself, nevertheless, to perhaps find out what was going with the two of them once they got out of this place.

But even Liu Qing and Jin Suo aside, she wasn't sure whether anyone was actually asleep, except the poor beggars who would probably be lost in the warmth of the thick blankets now. Even if they had been on the run for a few months now, they had rarely slept in such poor conditions and this surely would keep everyone awake. Zi Wei found herself thinking, not of Er Kang, who would have as much reason to complain of their present situation, but of Yong Qi. She was sure that he, at least, would never had dreamed that he would one day end up somewhere like this.

From her current position, she could only faintly make out Yong Qi's form, across the room from her. He was still, but he probably wasn't asleep.

For Xiao Yan Zi, and even for Zi Wei herself, it wasn't anything new to be sleeping in a place like this. Both of them would have been able to sleep, if Xiao Yan Zi wasn't so uncomfortable for some reason, and thus keeping Zi Wei awake. For Yong Qi to endure this, it was surely a proof of his love for Xiao Yan Zi. No, Zi Wei always knew it, from their very first meeting, perhaps even before Yong Qi was aware of it himself, but tonight only made her feel even more in awe of the depth of his feelings. No one else would ever ask him to do this, and really no one should have to ask him to do this.

She knew he could walk back to the life he could have, should have and was his right, if he wanted to. Yet he was still here, and sometimes, Zi Wei wondered whether Xiao Yan Zi appreciated it at all, whether she saw the sacrifice for what it was. To wonder this only made Zi Wei feel angry at Xiao Yan Zi's obliviousness, her seemingly inability to care just what Yong Qi was giving up for her. Frankly, Zi Wei didn't really want to feel angry at Xiao Yan Zi, but she did feel sorry for Yong Qi.

The regret wasn't only for the fact that Yong Qi received next to no appreciation from Xiao Yan Zi, it was also the knowledge of what would had been waiting for Yong Qi if he never left. It would take a fool not to guess that the throne would not have been far from Yong Qi's reach. It wasn't a subject that they ever discussed, or could ever be discussed, but it was there, if she chose to think about it. As great an emperor as Zi Wei believed Yong Qi was always capable of being, she saw that by knowing Xiao Yan Zi, seeing the world through her eyes, living the world that she lived, all of it would make him even greater. Ironically, it would be nights like these that would allow him to truly understand the suffering of his people. Now he would never have the chance to apply what he knew, do what he deserved to do, and make a good difference for his people.

She knew she could not expect Xiao Yan Zi, who always lived in the now, to appreciate the far implications of it all, but she wondered whether Yong Qi ever allowed himself to think about it. If he did, would he ever come to regret it all? Zi Wei was terrified, for Xiao Yan Zi, for Yong Qi, for them all, what might happen if Yong Qi ever came to regret it. She was sure neither of them would be able to bear the disappointment. Would Xiao Yan Zi's carefreeness, the thing that made her so attractive to Yong Qi, to even Zi Wei herself, be the thing that would undo her?

It didn't help that Xiao Jian was in the middle of all of this. Xiao Jian was an enigma, a confusion and a frustration. One would be blind (and sometimes Zi Wei wondered whether Xiao Yan Zi _was_ blind) to not see that Xiao Jian held an intense interest in Xiao Yan Zi. Zi Wei had been amused at Xiao Yan Zi's long gone jealousy of Cai Lien, but she could not bring herself to even smile at her brother's discomfort. No, it was clear that Xiao Jian was a threat to Yong Qi and they both recognised the fact. The only one who didn't recognise it was Xiao Yan Zi.

As much as Zi Wei respected Xiao Jian's talents, she had to wonder at his honour for testing the ice so with Xiao Yan Zi. As much as he would insist that his interest in Xiao Yan Zi was the same as his interest in her or Jin Suo or Liu Hong, Zi Wei was sure if Xiao Jian had a choice of who to save from a fire, it would be Xiao Yan Zi. Zi Wei understood how Xiao Yan Zi's impulsiveness, her energy and her enthusiasm could be attractive to a man like Xiao Jian. No, the_ attraction_ Zi Wei would understand and appreciate. She just didn't appreciate the fact that Xiao Jian obviously _knew_ of things between Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi and still chose to make clear his feelings. What was he trying to achieve?

Xiao Jian was attracted to Xiao Yan Zi, that much as obvious. Just as obvious was also Xiao Yan Zi's fascination with Xiao Jian. Zi Wei did not think that Xiao Yan Zi would ever knowingly hurt or betray Yong Qi, and she did not doubt that her friend's feelings for her brother. But the truth was, Xiao Yan Zi's feelings were never grounded in logic or discrimination. She bestowed her admiration and affection to everyone and anyone who interested her. However deep her feelings for Yong Qi might be, she only ever outwardly showed him marginally more affection than other people for the most part. It occured to Zi Wei that even at the start, when Xiao Yan Zi wondered what it was about her that attracted Yong Qi, she probably should have asked herself what it was about Yong Qi that attracted _her_. Of course, he was brilliant, he was good at martial arts and he cared deeply about her, but so did Xiao Jian. If Xiao Jian had been the one to come first, would he have been able to win Xiao Yan Zi's heart?

What if...it was a treacherous question, even more dangerous in their present situation. Zi Wei could not deny that she was concerned. Or rather, more accurate would be to say she had been concerned, until earlier that evening. When they had first seen the "ghosts" in the temple, Zi Wei could not deny her own terror, but now, thinking back, she could not help a certain satisfaction that Xiao Yan Zi had clung to Yong Qi in fear. It was, at least, some proof, as fascinated as she might be with Xiao Jian, of who Xiao Yan Zi would turn to for protection and reassurance when her instincts took over. It was enough to reassure Zi Wei that Xiao Yan Zi's heart knew who it belonged to, even if she wasn't always conscious of it or showed it in her actions.

* * *

Xiao Jian knew that as still as Yong Qi lay beside him, he wasn't asleep. His breathing was not steady enough, not relaxed enough, no matter how he strived to make it. Er Kang on his other side was slipping in and out of consciousness. Xiao Jian could blame neither of them for being unable to sleep. Even he, who claimed the earth as his bed and the sky as his roof, had a hard time relaxing in this drafty, cold temple. They all pretended to sleep, of course, as there was nothing to do in this situation.

The friendship between Yong Qi and him had not been the smoothest; it didn't help that Xiao Jian never wanted to like Yong Qi to begin with. It was prejudiced, certainly, but he could not bring himself to approve of the idea of his sister and Qian Long's son. However, at that very moment, though he hated to admit it, regardless of his wishes, he could not help but feel a grudging respect for Yong Qi for being here. Was there ever a prince who threw away all silk and brocade to sleep on prickly straw in a run-down temple for the sake of a girl, like Yong Qi was doing for Xiao Yan Zi? Xiao Jian could not help the feeling of awe that Yong Qi would deem anything being worth this suffering, let alone his rather flighty little sister.

Before, Xiao Jian had always wondered whether it had simply been possessiveness rather than real feelings that triggered Yong Qi's jealousy over him. Now, he could not help but be convinced that Yong Qi truly loved Xiao Yan Zi, probably more than Xiao Jian could ever understand and certainly more than Xiao Yan Zi realised or gave him credit for. Why it had taken Xiao Jian so long to become conscious of this, he didn't know.

After all, he had been watching from the beginning. He saw it all. He knew very well what everyone assumed and he understood how for them, it was the most logical explanation. Still, he wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at everyone else' belief that he was in love with Xiao Yan Zi. Though, he supposed, it would be worst if Xiao Yan Zi assumed it as well. At times like this, Xiao Yan Zi's obliviousness was a blessing. If she had seen his marked interest in her and assumed what everyone else did, they would probably be in an even worst mess. What was worst, for her to realise his "peculiar feelings" and tried to stay away from him, or somehow "returned" those feelings? The former would break his heart and the latter would break Yong Qi's heart and then the most confused and hurt in the end would probably be Xiao Yan Zi.

He saw Yong Qi's jealousy, saw Xiao Yan Zi's seeming indifference to it, but most of all, he somewhat encouraged those feelings. If he could not tell Xiao Yan Zi who he really was, if he was going to sit back and let Yong Qi claim his little sister, he had to make sure that he would be worthy of her. So far, much to his protective disappointment, Yong Qi had not failed the test. So far, in all rationality, he had not given Xiao Jian any reason to take Xiao Yan Zi away from him, even if he was Qian Long's son. Even if sometimes the pettiness that Yong Qi showed in his jealousy could make Xiao Jian angry, whenever things cooled down and he thought about the situation, about what Yong Qi didn't know, Xiao Jian couldn't in honesty blame him.

Xiao Jian tried not to think of the future for Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi because he couldn't even convince himself yet that they would last that long. That itself was a rather scary thought, which he wanted even less to think about, considering what Yong Qi had given up and was giving up. It was not that he doubted either of their feelings; Yong Qi's was obvious enough and Xiao Jian knew that Xiao Yan Zi at least believed that she loved Yong Qi. He might not know his sister as well as he should, but Xiao Jian felt he knew her enough to know that she was not the type to play with Yong Qi's feelings. Even if Xiao Jian could stop himself from interfering, would love still be enough?

The truth it was this question that had been bothering Xiao Jian ever since he became sure that Xiao Yan Zi was the sister he was looking for. If Yong Qi could make Xiao Yan Zi truly happy then he could not object but _would he _- that was the question.

Xiao Jian sighed and turned over, his mind too full for sleep. He had fully expected finding his sister to be like looking for a needle in a haystack, but Yong Qi was making the process altogether too complicated.

* * *

The next morning, they all rose a little later than usual, as all of them only managed to finally sleep around the earlier hours of the morning. They were all silent from sleeplessness during the preparation for another day's journey ahead. The carriages horses were hitched and other horses that Er Kang, Yong Qi and Xiao Jian usually rode were tied behind the carriage, as all of them had had too little sleep to feel much like riding.

Only Liu Qing and Jin Suo seemed surprisingly and strangely awake, despite the fact that Zi Wei was sure they spent most of the night outside talking. Whatever they talked about, it must had been a good conversation. So Liu Qing volunteered to drive, and Jin Suo insisted on keeping him company on the driving seat, while the rest of them crowded into the carriage.

The rocking of the carriage was luring most of them to sleep, but Zi Wei could not sleep. The sight from the seat across from her was giving her too much pleasure to do anything be relieved. Xiao Yan Zi rested her head on Yong Qi's shoulder and her arm curled around one of his; she was fast asleep, a completely serene expression on her face. Zi Wei glanced over at Xiao Jian, half expecting to see some pain on his face, but he only looked thoughtful. Turning back to the couple across from her, Zi Wei caught Yong Qi's eyes. He smiled, and she returned the smile wholeheartedly. For that moment, she felt as relaxed as Xiao Yan Zi looked. For now, things were all right again. Likely Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi would manage to find something to argue about by the time lunch rolled around, but still, for now, things were all right.

* * *

_A/N: I do this when I can't sleep: think about things that should just best be left alone and then it keeps me even more awake. Not a good pattern :P._


	13. Winter

**XII. Winter**

* * *

_Or why Xiao Yan Zi hates the temple in the last chapter. _

* * *

The morning after their wedding was one that Yong Qi would call gorgeous and Xiao Yan Zi would call miserable.

She stood looking out into the main courtyard of Jing Yang Gong, a dismayed expression on her face. "Oh no!"

It did not seem like an auspicious start to their marriage.

"What?"

"It's snowing."

"What do you mean, 'Oh no, it's snowing'?"

"I don't like snow."

If Xiao Yan Zi had been looking at Yong Qi instead of staring out at the thick blanket of snow like it was some sort of booby trap, ready to swallow her whole if she ever set a foot out of doors, she would have seen her new husband looking at her like she had mortally wounded him.

"How can you not like snow?" The disbelief was clear in his voice. "What's it ever done to offend you? Just look at it. See how it spreads itself over the courtyard like a big fluffy blanket that seems to promise warmth but then you jump into it and it's deliciously cold. Just look at the way it just rests itself on the trees. It looks like nothing can make it leave the tree but one single touch can shake all of that snow off the trees. The contradiction of it is just beautiful."

Xiao Yan Zi finally whirled around to look at him and stumbled when she found him a lot closer than she had anticipated. He reached out to grasp her arm to steady her, but she yanked it from his grip. "Yong Qi, I didn't marry you so that on the very first day of our marriage, I have to listen to you wax poetical about _snow_, of all earthly things."

It was clear he was still confused. Granted, they had never discussed snow before so he would have no way of knowing how she felt about it before that day. Between saving everyone else's life, weather became a rather rare and precious subject of conversation. "What's wrong with snow? I like snow. Honestly, can't you see how beautiful it looks?"

"It looks dead. I don't like winter, I don't like snow, I hate and dread being cold." To demonstrate her point, she shivered.

"You can't possibly be cold now," Yong Qi replied, taking both of her hands in his and lifting them, as if to show Xiao Yan Zi her fur-lined sleeves.

"Well, not _now_. But I don't like being cold and snow is…cold."

"Way to state the obvious there, sweetheart."

"Oh, shut up!"

"Ok, why do you hate snow so much?"

"I don't _hate _it, I just don't get why anyone would get excited about it. It's snow. It comes every year and it just sits there, making my life miserable for five months of the year. For people like you and Er Kang, you spend winters sitting inside a warm palace writing poetry about snow with Qing Er – "

Yong Qi laughed. "For the record I never wrote poetry with Qing Er, about snow or anything else - "

But Xiao Yan Zi went on, as if he had not spoken. " – whereas for me, I went through winters with the same clothes I made do with in summer, basically freezing to death and with even less to eat. If I'm lucky, I avoid being sick but people around me are still going to get sick anyway and I used to lose someone I care about every year in winter to the cold or to sickness. Not to mention I did nearly die one winter. So now, even though none of that happens anymore and I get enough to eat and I'm warm, snow just brings back bad memories."

She gave him a defiant look, as if daring him to contradict anything she just said. However, he was paying more attention more important things.

"What do you mean, you nearly died? What happened?"

Xiao Yan Zi gave a sigh and sat down on a chair; Yong Qi followed her to sit next to her.

"It was the year that I met Liu Qing and Liu Hong. I was twelve and I just ran away from a cruel master. I had nothing but one layer of clothes on me and it was snowing heavily and freezing cold. I came across a run-down temple, and it had straw in there so I hid there for warmth. I'm not sure how long I was there for, it might just be hours, or days. I was starving and that's always a bad judge of time. Anyway, at one point the wind blew the doors shut and a tree fell down, blocking the door. Basically I was trapped in there and it's only then I realised it was scary in there. There were nothing but huge bronze statues and straw and the wind would whistle in the cracks of the temple. I tried crying for help but of course, no one heard me in the wind. I think I fainted at some point because the next thing I knew, I woke up in Da Zha Yuan where Liu Qing and Liu Hong were living. At the time, it wasn't full of people like now, but still there were some of the grandmas and grandpas there. Apparently Liu Qing only found me when he broke down the door of the temple to take home for firewood. I was sick for a month and wasn't conscious for much of it. Liu Hong told me afterward she was sure I would die."

Yong Qi looked at her without a word for a long while after her story finished. She looked again out onto the courtyard and found that the snow was falling even more thickly than the moment before. How strange it was that the day before, the sky had been totally clear, and yet just in one night, the whole world was covered in whiteness. Xiao Yan Zi turned back to Yong Qi, who was still looking at her with concern.

"You never - " Yong Qi started, but Xiao Yan Zi interrupted him.

"Yes, I know I've never told you this."

"I suppose I never asked."

"I don't tell this to anybody, to be honest," she said softly.

"Why not?"

"I guess it's just that a lot of it I don't remember and the rest of it I don't want to remember. But that's why I don't like snow. And the cold, and run-down temples."

Run-down temples...Yong Qi gave a small smile. "Then it wasn't just the ghosts that scared you in that temple we spent the night in when we were on the run."

"No, it was mostly the temple. It's more like it's the temple that made me afraid of the ghosts."

"That must had been a fun night. But that would explain why you spent most of the next morning sleeping on my shoulder."

Xiao Yan Zi smiled slightly at _that_ memory.

"You should not dwell on bad memories, you know," Yong Qi said, cupping her cheeks. "It's all over now. I'll never let you get that cold and miserable in winter."

"i know that, but I guess it does make me realise that if I never met Zi Wei, I probably still would be spending winters like that. I think winter is when I really realise how much of a fairy tale this is, how unreal it is sometimes, and how easily it could be taken away from me."

"How could it be taken away from you? We are married, you are mine now, that can never be taken away from you."

"As I said, it's surreal." They were quiet for a while, before she spoke again. "I think this is officially the most depressing conversation that could happen after a wedding."

Yong Qi laughed; it was contagious and Xiao Yan Zi couldn't help but laugh with him. Suddenly, he grabbed her hands and pulled her up.

"What?"

"Come on, I'm going to teach you how to enjoy snow."

"Teach me - no - Yong Qi - "

But Yong Qi was already dragging her out onto the courtyard. When he finally let go of her hand, she was ankle deep in snow and watched it fall all about her.

"Come on, Xiao Yan Zi, it's snow, it's not going to eat you."

"What are we doing out here?" she asked Yong Qi, who was standing a little away from her with his hand behind his back.

Without warning, there was a blur of white flying towards her and then there was a thud, and crumbly mess of snow smashed against the side of her cheek. "This!" Yong Qi cried, grinning triumphantly at her. She spluttered and shook the snow out of her headdress.

"What was that for?" she yelled, stomping her foot, which made no sound on the snow.

"_That_ was a snowball."

She didn't react and just looked at him, and he gave her in return an incredulous stare. "Xiao Yan Zi, _please_ tell me you've thrown a snowball before."

She shrugged.

"You're kidding!"

Xiao Yan Zi said in an overly-patient voice, "Yong Qi, for most of my life I was more preoccupied with getting out of the snow, not getting it all over me."

"Xiao Yan Zi, how is it that you, the queen of play, have lived this long and not have thrown a snowball before?"

"Yong Qi, what part of 'my life was miserable when it snows' don't you understand?"

"You seriously do need a crash-course in 'snow is fun'." And then, without warning, he crouched down, grabbed another fistful of snow and hurled it at her again. She was expecting it but still didn't manage to duck it entirely.

"Ok, that's it! You're really asking for it!"

Xiao Yan Zi's competitive nature took over and she began pelting him with snowballs and he retaliated in kind. Soon, the two of them were running around the courtyard, laughing and out of breath and covered in snow, much the amusement of the servants.

Then, just as Xiao Yan Zi took aim again at Yong Qi, an eunuch announced from the outside, "Huang Shang arrives!" Distracted from the announcement, Yong Qi stumled aside, which left an inevitable target for Xiao Yan Zi's snowball.

"Oh no..." A soon as she realised where it was heading, she immediately closed her eyes, as if that would stop the snowball in its track. There was a thud and then a silence. Beside her, Yong Qi righted himself and furtively dropped the snow he held in his hand. They probably made quite a sight, clothes and hair wet from the snow.

Xiao Yan Zi opened her eyes a tiny amount and squinted. It was enough to let her see that her snowball had hit the mark and exploded in Qian Long's face. She scrunched her eyes shut again in mortification.

"Huang Ah Ma ji xiang," Yong Qi said beside her. Xiao Yan Zi had never wanted more to sink into the snow, especially when Yong Qi sounded...amused? Was he insane? She just threw a snowball at the Emperor and he was laughing?

"Well, Xiao Yan Zi," Qian Long spoke in an ominous voice above her, "after throwing snow in my face, don't you think you should have the dedency to actually greet me?"

"Huang Ah Ma ji xiang," she squeaked, finally opening her eyes and glancing up. Qian Long's expression was unreadable.

"Huang Ah Ma, we were not - erm - expecting you," Yong Qi cut in, his voice still shaking with silent laughter.

"That much is obvious," Qian Long said dryly. "And I am glad you find this funny!"

Xiao Yan Zi glanced over to see Yong Qi biting his lips and looking towards the ground, but he was still struggling to hold in his laughter. It took a few beats before he could compose himself enough. "Huang Ah Ma, forgive me - "

"Though I must say, this is a most interesting way to spend the morning after your marriage," the Emperor went on and walked towards the house, cutting in between the couple. They both stepped aside to make way for him. "I would not have disturbed you this morning, but I was passing and wondering what all the noise was about."

Xiao Yan Zi was still too mortified to answer, so Yong Qi spoke, "I discovered that Xiao Yan Zi had a bit of a snow-phobia and thought it might be best to help her get over it."

"By throwing snow in my face?"

Yong Qi chuckled, "Well, technically she was aiming at me."

"Well, then, Xiao Yan Zi, your aim is terrible," Qian Long said with the barest hint of a smile.

Xiao Yan Zi finally found her voice and said defensively, "Huang Ah Ma, I'm sorry, I wasn't throwing it at you. It's Yong Qi's fault, he ducked!"

"Yes, it's always Yong Qi's fault. What did he mean, you have a snow-phobia?"

"Well, I didn't like snow before and Yong Qi acted like it was a crime or something and dragged me out to teach me to appreciate snow."

"And how do you like it now?"

"Well," she said cheekily, "now that it's made contact with you, I think it's not so bad." Yong Qi quickly disguised his laugh as a cough but still received a glowering look from his father.

"Well, I am glad to have helped," Qian Long commented before turning towards the door.

"You are not just leaving," Xiao Yan Zi said.

"I am. You have better things to do today than entertaining me." Then he looked at Yong Qi. "Besides, you two should get into something dry before that cough becomes real."

And with that, he swept out the door again. Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi waited to make sure he was out of earshot to burst out laughing. It was a long time before they managed to stop.

"Huang Ah Ma was right though," Xiao Yan Zi said, still giggling, "we should get changed."

"Tomorrow, I'm teaching you to ice-skate."


	14. Sword

**XIII. Sword**

* * *

_The morning after Yong Qi and Zhi Hua's wedding._

* * *

Despite the situation, Yong Qi could not help but feel a bit smug as he ducked Xiao Yan Zi's sword. Two years ago, she would never be able to take him on like this. Two years ago, she would not be able to drive the sword in such a line with such precision and not stumble, especially in those absurd shoes that she wore.

He could not help but admire both her firm grip on the sword handle, as well as a her flawless footwork. The smugness came from the knowledge that she had such perfect execution of swordmanship was mostly due to his teaching. Initially the plan had been that Xiao Jian would give Xiao Yan Zi the proper lessons in martial arts that she so desired, in the end, the one who did most of the teaching was Yong Qi. This wasn't only due to the fact that they had decided that the limited time Xiao Jian had to visit Xiao Yan Zi or vice versa would be wasted in teaching her martial arts. In any case, between getting to know his sister and getting to knowQing Er, Xiao Jian did not have much time to teach Xiao Yan Zi much of anything. Even when he did come around to it, Xiao Jian still lacked the patience to work around Xiao Yan Zi's very distracted learning habits, which applied even to martial arts.

Xiao Jian had never tried to teach Xiao Yan Zi chengyu. Of course, he _had_ tried to help improve Xiao Yan Zi's vocabulary with story books, in hope that it would help with her chengyu, but for Yong Qi, getting Xiao Yan Zi to use the chengyu in the proper context was still as hard a journey as that to the west to retrieve Buddhist texts. No matter how many books she read, Xiao Yan Zi still had a propensity to take everything literally. Before meeting Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi would not consider himself to be particularly patient, but apparently he had patience enough to slog through lessons of chengyu with Xiao Yan Zi. Oh, the things he would do for her.

So Yong Qi thought if he managed to make any sort of progress at all with teaching Xiao Yan Zi chengyu, then martial arts lessons should be more like a game. Besides, you can't teach someone martial arts without getting rather physical, both in the sense of intimacy and of violence, and of the latter, Xiao Jian was always reluctance to be with Xiao Yan Zi. Yong Qi, on the other hand, had long accepted that Xiao Yan Zi wasn't a porcelain doll and unless in a life threatening situation, she wasn't interested in having him treat her like one. It wasn't as if she had any reserve about punching _him_. Anyway, Xiao Yan Zi was a magnet for trouble and he could not always be there, it was better that she was properly prepared to defend herself than depend on him.

This morning, it would appear that she had no problem with attempting to chop his head off, either. Granted, this wasn't a duel, it wasn't even a fair fight. He was without a weapon and wasn't even fighting back. She certainly wasn't making it easy for him to be on the defense; she wasn't holding anything back from him, and Yong Qi found he really had to concentrate if he didn't want to have his head sliced off. Even if he had a sword in hand and had the heart to fight back, he surely wouldn't be able to defeat her so easily as he had done once in the imperial garden when he mistook her for a thief. Of course, she was not so good yet as to be able to defeat him; certainly he could still make her surrender, if he wanted to.

If this was just a practice, he would certainly not hesitate in defeating her. She always pretended to be upset with him when he did, especially when it was too soon into the fight, but he knew how to clear that huffy pout and put to smile back on her face. After all, it would take only a few kisses, jokes and smiles.

Today, however, it did not seem that things would go so smoothly. It didn't matter, anyway, as this morning, he had no intention of fighting back; he wanted her to win. He wanted to know what she would do when she did win, when she had him at her mercy.

So when Xiao Yan Zi, in a flawless move, sent the blade flashing straight towards him, Yong Qi ignored the horrified gasps of the servants around him and simply stood still, with his eyes closed, listening to the sound of steel ripping through the air...

Then all was still. No sound, no contact, no pain.

Yong Qi half expected the sword to make contact, to feel the sting of the sharp blade, to smell the metallic tang of his own blood. But there was nothing. Yong Qi slowly opened his eyes, blinking slightly as the sword blade right under his chin was blinding him with the sun's reflection. It was only now that he became aware of the adrenaline that was rushing through his veins. The pounding of his heart seemed unnaturally loud in the stillness of the morning.

He let his eyes follow the length of the sword, until they glaced up and met the storm of emotions in Xiao Yan Zi's eyes. Aside from the obvious pain that had drove her to point a sword at his neck, there was confusion and frustration, perhaps at the fact that he chose not to fight back.

It was his sword she was holding, not her own. She was holding his own sword at his neck, and she could very well kill him right now, if she wanted to, because he certainly had no intention of stopping her. Her brows knitted slightly as she realised this, and her eyes challenged him to fight back. He just gave her a sad smile and shook his head slightly. After what he had put her through the night before, she had every right to lash out at him while he had no right to stop her.

And of course she would be lashing out at him. Of course she would be attempting to decapitate him. The only other reaction would be to cry and he was sure Xiao Yan Zi wasn't about to let him (or Zhi Hua for that matter) see her cry that morning. It would seem too much like she regretted her decision; it would make him regret it too. This was something that neither of them could afford to feel.

So instead, she would attempt to kill him.

Just as he was the only one with enough patience and motivation to teach her both chengyu and swordmanship, he was the only one with the right to take the blunt of her hurt and anger this morning. She had learnt it all for him (though perhaps not so much the swordmandship), and he had gone through the night previously for her. Others looking at them at that moment might wonder what had become of both their sanity, but they understood it all. This was the only release from the pain of the night before that they could allow each other to have. If she could not cry in his arms, at least she could still release that pain on him.

Slowly, she lowered the sword and Yong Qi thought he could see the tears glinting in her eyes, but she had turned away before allowing him to see it fall. He could not take his eyes off her, however. He almost reached out to comfort her, before a voice pierced the silence.

It was Gui Mou Mou; Yong Qi heard only noises and could not make out what she was saying. But it didn't matter. The spell was broken.

Xiao Yan Zi forced the sword still in her hand into the sheath she held in the other hand and dropped it with a clang on the ground. She stomped back into the house, leaving Yong Qi staring at the sword in front of him, trying with all his might to drive back the sense of regret fighting to explode out of his heart.


	15. Horse

**XIV. Horse**

_And now, for something a little different. During the crucial moments that formed the love between Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi, there was someone watching it all. _

* * *

They say that when a person dies, they are often reborn, reincarnated in another life, into another being. This being could take the form of anything; one could be reborn as another human, in which case, one would be lucky (or at least, so they convinced themselves. I'd seen enough of humans to realise that sometimes being one was a downright miserable task). Or else, one could be reborn as any other kind of animal. Often, when indebted to someone, the human would pledge to spend their next life as some kind of animal - a horse, perhaps - to serve the person they owed. Whether they really mean what they say is a completely different matter (humans, I had found, have a habit of saying a lot of things they don't mean); whether they could control what they become in the next life is a rather moot point.

I'm not sure if I believe in all this. If I _had_ a previous life, as a human or anything else, and whether in that previous life I pledged to spend this life as a horse, I can't remember it. Nevertheless, I am a horse; whether I ever wanted to be one or not is unimportant.

I suppose, for a horse, I have a good life. Even before I was born, I was destined for a good life. This isn't the case for all horses, you know. Some horses are born for work, to toil day in, day out on the hot field, to feed on dry hay and muddy water, to suffer even whips and snarls from humans. Some horses were born to pull carriages, slightly more respectable work than farm work. Some horses are born for the battle field; they are treated with more care, but frankly I don't like the mortality rate. And some horses, like me, were born to be the best of the best, to carry the best of the best. I wasn't born purely as a result of nature, but was selected. My sire and my dam, the finest horses you would ever find anywhere, were chosen to mate and to create me. I was born one fine spring, and before I managed to gain use of my legs to stand on my own, I was already declared the finest foal ever to be born in the imperial stable.

And that was where I grew up - the imperial stable. For the first year of my life, I know of little but my stall in the stable, surrounded by my fellows, other foals born around the same time. I remember little of my first year, it all passed in a blur of kicks and stomps at the ground, of running through fields of sweetest grass in spring, summer and autumn, then when winter came, of finest feeds on the best grains in the country, brought directly to my stall.

But I can remember that spring, the spring when I was fully one year old, when he came.

The first sign of his coming was the sound of the scraping and bowing of the stable grooms. The noise wasn't unusual to me, as by then I had learned that I was a horse belonging to some sort of leader family of the humans and whenever one of that family visited the stable, even if to just take a horse out for a ride, there was much bowing and scraping. I could never understand the whole ritual and when I was that young, listening to the rustles of the fabric draped around these grooms always made me nervous, even though it had happened so many times before. I gave into instincts to stomp my hooves and shake my mane to release the tension. But then I realised I could not see whoever it was that the grooms were bowing to. Usually, they stood out pretty soon, being usually dressed in some hideous shade of yellow that my eyes always took a while to get used to. It seemed that the other horses around me also noticed the difference about this visitor, who for a moment we all could not see, and so they all stretched their neck outside of their stall to have a look. This blocked my vision even more, as I was in one of the end stalls in the row. I could hear the sound of human footsteps, so absurdly light that I wonder how they don't just blow away with a strong wind, but could not see the visitor.

The footsteps were uneven, and they stopped at every stall. The grooms rattled on and on about things like colours and breeds and expected speed, which sounded completely nonsensical to me, even at the time. What did the colour of our coat matter to our abilities as a horse? Breed was important but we always knew from the moment we were born that all of us in this stable were all the best anyway. As for expected speed, it was not as if those grooms have seen us at our best yet. We were so young, they had rarely let us out to test our strengths. I could not help a snort as I listened to their ramble. I stomped my hooves again for good measure, as I still couldn't get a glimpse of the visitor.

He finally reached my stall. Even as a yearling, I was taller than he. The top of his head would had barely peeked over my back if he stood beside me. He would eventually grow to fit me, for a human, but at that first meeting, he was tiny. He would later tell me that he was twelve years old. Humans were odd creatures. For a horse, a twelve-year-old was quite middle aged, but he was still a colt. He stood for a long while in front of my stall, looking at me, while the grooms still talked on. But he wasn't listening. I was watching him, I knew. His eyes were fixed on mine, and for some inexplicable reason, I could not feel nervous. Humans could look rather frightening, but there was a calmness in his eyes, as young as he was, that soothed me. I wasn't listening to the grooms either.

Then, slowly, he reached out a hand to touch my nose. The grooms put up the usual fuss.

"Wu A Ge, please, you must not! He cannot control his actions yet!"

"He is just yet an unbroken yearling, he will hurt you!"

The grooms had the job of taking care of us horses, but at times I wondered how much they knew about us, especially when we were so young. After all, how could they know us when we didn't even know ourselves? I would not hurt him, for I knew he would not hurt me. Still, at the grooms' warning, his hand froze, just before it touched my nose. I didn't wait for him to pull away, but blew on his hand in a gesture of friendship. He laughed and boldly made contact, stroking my nose. I snorted in delight and nuzzled at his hand. He turned and gave the grooms a triumphant look, and I would have joined him in this if I could manage such a look. They simply looked shocked.

Then he approached the apple tree nearby and clambered onto with, retrieving a perfect red gem and returned to me, offering it to me.

From then on, he visited me often, and together the two of us listened to the grooms rambled on about how I was too young to put under saddle and broken to ride just yet and that perhaps in another year, I would be ready. Then when I was finally deemed old enough, despite the further protests of the grooms, this time that _he _was still too young to break a horse by himself, we started training together. Not that horses needed training to run, but to run with a saddle and a human on our back was indeed against our nature. But I didn't mind, I knew this was what I was born for, after all, and if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else, probably not half as pleasant. He was patient and comfortable on my back; I sensed by instinct that I was not the first horse he had ridden. It was all the better, as I only had then to focus on being used to him on my back and not worry about whether he would fall off. He could handle himself, half my nervousness was therefore gone.

The time the two of us spent getting used to each other was a glorious time, thrilling and full of new things every day. He learned to tell from my movement when I prepared to walk and when I prepared to trot and I learned from the shifts of his weight on my back when he wanted me to do what. Eventually we came to read each other so well that it was like an instinct. The best thing was, whenever he came for me in the stable or returned me to it, he never let anyone else saddle me but him, and never forgot to offer me an apple from the nearby tree when it was in season. Occassionally, would even stay to brush me and groom me himself. At those times, he would talk to me, or sometimes recite nonsense about suns and moons that didn't make much sense to me, but it must have made sense to him. _Poetry_, he called it. I never would understand it.

He grew, and so did I. I took him on hunts, on races, through vast fields and green meadows when he needed to be on his own.

It was there, on a hunt, that he met her.

I raced with him on my back, bells at my neck and his friends on their own horses at my sides. The sounds of the horns behind us urged me on; the blood and adrenaline pumped through my veins and I could tell his excitement matched my own. He let me run and run for a long while before subtle clutches on the reins cued for me to slow down. He was still on my back, focusing on the deer that stood a little away, but I was nervous. There was a presence, not that of his prey, but another presence...a human nearby. I pranced and neighed, but he was too engrossed in the hunt to pay much attention to me. I realised, though, that making any noise at all was a bad idea. The deer which stood so docilely in front of us perked its head up in alarm and dashed away, just as I felt the tension in his body release, and the ripping sound of an arrow flying through the air. He realised immediately after I did that the arrow would not make the mark, and I could sense his body slump slightly in disappointment. But then there was a cry of pain - a female, human cry - and then a body fell through the bush, the arrow stuck in her chest.

He gave a sharp kick against my side, startling me forward and was off my back before I had moved ten paces. I could feel the tension pulsing through the tiny grove as the three humans gathered around the girl.

That was the first time he saw her, and it was the first time I saw her as well. Neither of us knew at that moment how much this girl would mean to him in the days and years to come. To me, she looked quite ordinary, for a human, for they looked so strange sometimes. She asked to see the Emperor, who by then I had realised to mean his father. His friends helped him hoist her on my back where she sprawled rather unceremoniously. Soon, his weight added to her dead weight and it was heavier than I was used to, but I understood the urgency of the situation and carried them both across the hunting ground as fast as I could. At one point, he slowed me a little, probably afraid of hurting her further if we galloped too fast. By the time we reached the rest of the hunting party, and they were both off my back again, the talk had started. It was human talk that was hard to understand even at a time when there was not a crisis. It was downright confusing when there was a crisis and at first they seemed more occupied with the fact that she might be a danger and a threat (really, humans were supposed to be intelligent but they couldn't even tell that a near-unconscious girl couldn't hurt a fly even if she wanted to?) than the fact that she was _dying_. It took them long enough to argue over what to do with her, until the Emperor finally ordered a carriage to take her into the palace.

During all the fuss around moving her into the carriage, he stood back, apart, as if fearing he might do more damage to her if he came close to her. He retreated to stand by me, a hand resting against my side. I could tell by his touch that he was unnaturally tense and disturbed, which considering all things, was to be expected. He could have killed her. I nudged the side of his head in comfort and he turned to face me, rubbing my nose like he did that first day we met. Once the girl and the carriage had begun to move out of the hunting ground to head to the palace, he followed the rest on my back and I couldn't see her any longer and I fully expected to never see her again.

I did see her again, but not after several long months. But even before I saw her again, I heard plenty about her. I was often the perfect person to pour his heart out to, since I couldn't possibly tell anyone anything he said to me. Listening to him going on about his feelings for her and how he couldn't possibly tell her and the fact that she was too clueless to read his feelings, it all confirmed the one thing I already knew - humans were hopeless communicators. It was not only that their senses were less fine-tuned than other animals; they were also incapable of making use of what senses they had. They _could_ talk and listen but they _would_ not, and Heaven knew why. They avoid showing things and they say things they don't mean, and then ask themselves why the other person didn't understand. And all this talk of _feelings_ and being _forbidden_. Only humans spent precious time and energy agonising over this and the only thing it ever achieved was to make courtship - what was naturally a very straightforward procedure - a lot more complicated than it should be. Humans were quite baffling creatures.

The next time I saw her again, the two of them were on a trip - not by themselves, of course, with a bunch of other people, but what I have to relate really only concerned them. It started with a girl running after their carriage in torn shoes and bleeding feet. He turned and led me away from the carriage, towards the girl. That was when things started to unravel.

It was a simple enough gesture - a stretch of his hand and the girl - not _his girl - _was on my back with him. This simple gesture was stupidity in itself, considering everything else he had been telling me about _his girl_. I stomped my feet, snorted and shook my mane to demonstrate my displeasure at the idea of _that other girl_ riding me with him. My sudden restlessness startled him, and he struggled to keep me still. I could tell that _the other girl_ was terrified of me, which already didn't do much to endear her to me. Still, after a while, he refused to let her off and I had to give in to carrying them both.

As I said, humans were baffling creatures. After all, when a stallion was seeking the attention of a filly, he would not then go cosy up with another.

We caught up to the carriage which carried _his girl_, who was, conveniently enough, looking out the window. The shock that first appeared on her face was rather amusing, but then she looked simply furious. I could sense the storm to come though my riders seemed totally oblivious.

It went on like this for a few days. It is amazing what humans don't see when they don't put a mind to it. He seemed to miss _her_ anger and the very reason for it, and everyone else, saved a few, completely didn't understand the little courting war going on between the three of them. As for the other girl, well, I didn't know who she thought she was, but I carried her each day with increasing reluctance. If throwing her off would not throw him off as well, I probably would have considered it.

"What on earth is wrong with you?" he asked me on the second day after I have struggled against his instructions for the entire day. I whinnied in answer, but _of course_ he didn't understand. I'd been showing my disapproval all day and now he was still asking me what was wrong. _Humans_.

"I really don't need you to make this day any worst you know," he continued in a voice that implied his bad day was somehow _my_ fault. As if I had a better day. I gave a snort of anger. "Oh so now you're angry at me, too?" His voice was irritable now but still I felt pleased that he was finally catching on. At that moment, however, _the other girl_ approached him and asked him whether he wanted help and the conversation between us was at an end.

I wanted to kick her.

* * *

The day came, the day when it would all come to head. I had felt the tension building up for days. We finally stopped for the day and were in the stable yard, and he was starting to unsaddle me when she suddenly jumped on the younger Fu boy's as of yet still-saddled horse and took off. It took him long enough to race after her.

It was obvious that _she_ had never been on a horse before; I doubted that she could seat herself properly even if the other horse wasn't moving. Her abrupt mounting and her inexperience had startled and scared the other horse, and it was running as if for its life. The four of us - two horses and our riders - raced through a meadow. The fear filled his body and it channeled through me; I didn't need his urging to run as fast as I was capable of.

It didn't take her long to fall off the other horse. In a flash, his weigh was gone from my back and he had launched himself towards her, arms out to catch her. They rolled down a grassy slope for a long time before managing to come to a stop. I stood from my place and watched them. Even from here, I could smell human blood and knew she was injured. He tried to help her clean the injury but she was fighting him. Even when that was done, of all things he could have done to comfort her, the silly boy decided to _talk _to her. Wasn't this time for more direct actions?

Ah...there it was, that odd touching of faces that humans seemed to enjoy so much. I had often seen human couples hide behind stable stalls to do it but had never seen him do it with anyone before. She didn't seem to enjoy it much, for she pushed him away soon enough, but then I couldn't blame her. It must be terribly uncomfortable. Maybe she was the only normal human around.

The talking had started again. Humans talked too much; I had by then lost interest. It was clear that he would never understand my advice or ever take them, so I would leave him to do whatever he wanted. I turned away and saw that the other horse had never bothered with watching the humans, but spent it in a much more beneficial pursuit of munching on the delicious grass at our feet. I decided to join him and leave the two humans to their absurd problems.

A while later, his familiar call sounded through the air and both of us approached the humans. I stopped in front of him and he grasped my reins to hold me in place to let her get on. But he didn't need to, really. I held myself still for her, and she awarded my gentleness with a soothing pat on the neck. Before mounting me himself, he gave me a quizzical, confused look. I knew he was wondering why I began to co-operate with him again after the last few days of doing the opposite of what he wanted. Maybe next time, he'd pay more attention to my reactions and listen to me more.

Then before we started on the journey back, he said to her the most sensible thing he'd said in days: "From now on, there will be only a place for you on my horse, and no one else." I gave a neigh of approval. I suppose that meant if he didn't keep his words, I had the right to throw the other rider off next time, and him as well in the process. That should teach him.


	16. Fight

**XV. Fight**

* * *

_Three Character Classic, a fight and a first meeting._

* * *

"Guard against it; exert your strength," Yong Qi rushed through the last words with a flourish and looked up at his father with large, eager eyes. He had successfully remembered every word of the Three Character Classic and had delivered his recitation to Huang Ah Ma without missing a beat of the rhythmic text. However, it wasn't just that success that shined in his eyes, but also anticipation and excitement at the prize that was waiting to be his.

Huang Ah Ma gave a satisfied, booming laugh and patted his head indulgently, "Very well, Yong Qi, you may accompany Lao Fo Ye and your mother to the temple tomorrow. Mind you behave yourself."

Yong Qi nearly jumped up with excitement but only just managed to stop himself in time. Intead, he beamed up at his father and thanked him in all the proper ways.

His grandmother's affectionate voice carried him and his nanny out the door and back to Jing Yang Gong, into his mother's arms: "Really, Huang Di, sometimes I wonder who will end up spoiling that child more, you or I."

* * *

It was a beautiful day, made even more beautiful in Yong Qi's five-year-old eyes by the prospect of an entire day outside the palace. He had never been allowed outside the palace before. Everything about his home was very nice and comfortable, but whenever he ran the limits of the imperial garden and found himself facing the high red wall that separated him from the rest of the horizon, it occurred to him that there must be magical things outside those boundaries. His nanny told him that there was nothing outside that could not be had in the palace, but he didn't believe it. Surely the whole world could not be so small, to be so contained in the palace, as vast as it was. He didn't know how big the world outside those walls was, but it _must_ be vast, for even the Three Character Classic talked out mountains and rivers and far away lands. Wasn't his father the ruler of all those mountains and rivers and lands, of everything under Heaven? The only mountains and rivers Yong Qi ever saw were artificial ones inside the palace. Surely all the beauty praised in books that he had so heard of could not be given to such mundane things.

And now he was to have an entire day outside of those walls. Yong Qi knew that he would never see the whole world, not when his own father often took long trips, for days and weeks and months, to see the country, but still! One glorious days of feasting his eyes on things he had never laid eyes on before! That was a treat and worth a thousand times the effort of memorising the Three Character Classic.

Sure, he was going with his mother and grandmother to an _abbey_. Sure, they were going there to pray and that sounded _really _boring, but still, there was the journey there and back and he would get to know what the world looked like from the outside. They were going to be dressed in commoner's clothes so that no one would know they were from the palace - this was something that Yong Qi looked forward to almost as much as the trip itself. Of course, he knew he was a prince, he had been one for as long as he could remember, but sometimes it got so _boring_ and _bothersome_ to be noticed at everything he did, good or bad. It was hard to _be_ bad when everyone was watching your every move. He wondered what it would be like to just stand in one place and no one would know who he was. His nanny was not to accompany them on the day's outing and that was even rarer than a trip outside the palace. Yong Qi could not remember a day of his life when his nanny had not always been there from the moment he opened his eyes to when he closed them again for sleep. He loved his nanny of course, almost as much as he loved his mother; his mother never forbade him from doing anything while his nanny forbade him from doing almost everything that he ever thought would be exciting. Wouldn't it be great to have an entire day to do things without his nanny constantly telling him he must not get into mischief? How absolutely thrilling!

He was done with breakfast in a wink but Er Niang was taking a long time about it so that Yong Qi wanted very much to fidget while waiting for her. But Nanny would stop him, he was sure, and tell him he was mussing his clothes. Er Niang noticed his impatience, however, and told him that he could leave the table and go out and play, since they would need to wait for Lao Fo Ye at any rate. Yong Qi sighed, but did go and play.

* * *

They were going! They were really going! Yong Qi swept back the carriage curtain and looked hungrily outside the window; he was kneeling on the carriage seat to get into such a position to have a decent view but he didn't mind.

"Yong Qi! You must not turn your back to Lao Fo Ye so!" his mother scolded.

He was about to turn around guiltily to apologise, but his grandmother gave a soft chuckle. "Oh let him have his fun."

Yong Qi had never seen so many kinds of people. There were always plenty of people in the palace, so many that sometimes Yong Qi felt stifled, but they were all the same kinds of the people - pretty and prim and proper. But outside, oh, outside, there were so much _variety_! There were men and women and children, in such a tumult of colours and sights and sounds. Yong Qi drank it all in without really understanding much of what he saw and heard and smelled. It _was_ an entirely different world. How he longed to escape the confines of the carriage now to explore this brand new world!

* * *

They reached the abbey and it was, as Yong Qi expected, _boring_. Granted, he had never been to an abbey before, but he had been in the prayer room at Ci Ning Gong, and well, the abbey was just a bigger version of it. It was full of bronze statues of Buddhas, there was an overwhelming smell of incense and the dull hum-drum of prayers.

The Abbess seemed to notice his wary look around his surroundings and stooped down to say to him in a soft, kind voice, "Well, I think Little Master is too young to appreciate much of what we do around here. Why don't you run to the orchard just around that corner, there will be some children your age there. I am sure you will have fun."

Yong Qi almost ran off without permission but managed to look up at Lao You Ye pleadingly just in time. She gave him an indulgent wave of her hand and he ran off, not catching any of of the Abbess' explanation to his mother and grandmother that there were some orphans being raised at the abbey.

Yong Qi never lacked for playmates inside the palace, of course. He had brothers and sisters, of course, but they were either dead or too young or too girly to play with him, but there were always the young eunuchs. And then there was Fu Er Tai, his best friend, who he could always count on to bring some excitement into the dull routine of palace life. Of course, Xin Rong was often around as well, and she could sometimes be persuaded into some fun games, even if she was a girl. But he had never played with anyone who didn't know he was a prince before...

* * *

He went "around that corner" as the Abbess had said and came into an orchard of pear and plum trees. But that wasn't the first thing that caught his eyes. The first thing that caught his eyes was indeed, a long black braid of hair, attached to a tiny body of a girl who was peering around a huge bronze water reservoir placed "around that corner" leading to the orchard.

He stopped just behind her and breathed heavily from running. The girl whipped around, obviously startled, her tiny hand flailing in the air and she fairly smacked him in the face. Then she stared at him.

"Ow!"

"You thtartled me!" It was amazing how she could lisp and still sounded indignant. Indeed, she carried no trace of guilt and looked at him as if he had done something wrong.

"You hit me!" he cried.

"You thtartled me!" she repeated. "You detherved it!"

The angry retort was almost at the tip of Yong Qi's tongue, but then he remembered the manners he had always been taught. After all, she was a girl, and he mustn't fight with girls.

"I did startle you, and I'm very sorry for that, my lady," he said gravely.

"Lady!" she laughed, all trace of her indignation gone now and her big, brown eyes were dancing with mirth. "I'm not a lady, I'm Thiao Yan Thi!" Yong Qi had to strain to understand what her name really was under the lisp. "Well, it'th not really Thiao Yan Thi, it'th really Thiao Thi, but Thiao Yan Thi is muth more pwettier, don't you think?"

"Your name is Xiao - Yan - Zi?" He sounded out each word tentatively, lest he had heard wrong and she would be mad again. She nodded eagerly and Yong Qi laughed. "But that's not a name at all!"

"It ith!" she cried, stomping her little foot. "It'th a pwetty name!" She gave a huff and turned away from him. Yong Qi didn't know what to do. People didn't usually get mad at him.

"I'm sorry I laughed at your name," he said tentatively, not sure what else to do. "But you did hit me. So we're even." He wasn't sure why he was huddling in a corner behind an water reservoir when there were obviously sounds of other children he could play with coming out from the orchard. But he liked this girl, even if she did hit him.

"Well, ok," she said, a little disdainfully, turning around to him again. "What'th your name then?"

"Yong Qi."

"Where did you come from?" The disdain had turned into curiosity.

The answer "the palace" was almost out before Yong Qi remembered Er Niang's rule before they went out. He wasn't allowed to let anyone know who he was. Though surely Er Niang didn't mean to include a pretty girl like her in that rule? Still, he answered, "My house."

She looked for a moment as if she would ask where his house was but then stopped and turned away from him again. She began peering around the water reservoir once more.

"Why are you hiding behind that water reservoir?" he asked. "Let's go play."

"No!" she cried, sounding a little alarmed. "I - I can't."

"Why not?"

"Promithse you won't tell?"

"I promise."

"I'm not thuppothed to be outthide."

"Why not?"

"Well, the Abbeth made me memorithe the Three Character Clathic yetherday but I didn't tho thshe made me thtay inthide to learn it again today, but it'th tho borwing that I couldn't learn it tho I thnuck out here."

Yong Qi wanted to laugh again at how she managed to choose so many words to mangle with her lisp.

"What were you looking at then?"

"Ah Bao and Ah Mao are climbing the pear and plum treeth to pluck all the fruitth and I wanted to thee if they had climbed my treeth. I marked my treeth but they're boyth and they never care that my treeth ith my treeth."

"Why don't you go out there and tell them they can't take your trees then?"

"'Cauth, then they would tell the Abbeth that I'm not studying. I don't cawe rweally, I juth don't wanna get punithed."

"But then what if they really take your trees?"

"Then I have to go out and thtop them." She flashed him a grin, showing a large gap where two front teeth should have been. Then she sat down on the dirt ground and leaned against the water reservoir with a sigh. "It'th borwing here though."

"What happened to your teeth?" he asked, sitting down beside her. He has not begun to lose his teeth yet and this girl must be younger than him.

"Ah Mao made fun of Thiao Lan the other day and made her cwy, tho I hit him. But he'th muth bigger than me tho he hit me back and knocked my teeth out. It doethn't matter, the Abbeth thay they'll grow back."

"You should learn the Classic, so that you can go play without having to hide here," he said reasonably.

She rolled her eyes. "It's rweally rweally borwing. I don't even underthtand what it meanth, how can I learn it?"

"How about I teach you?"

His offer was lost in a little cry of anger, however, as "Thiao Yan Thi" had again peered around the corner into the orchard and obviously either Ah Bao or Ah Mao had attacked her trees. She shot up and ran into the orchard, crying, "Get off my treeth, Ah Mao!"

Yong Qi shot up and ran after her into the sound of children's laughter. Indeed, it was an amusing sight. There were five children, two boys, two girls and Xiao Yan Zi in the orchard. One boy was dangling from a plum tree, as if he had been in the process of climbing up it, but Xiao Yan Zi had caught hold of his foot and was throwing all her little weight to pull him down. It seemed hopeless as the boy was at least two years older than her and bigger.

"That'th my treeth, you can't take it!"

"Oi, _Thiao Yan Thi_," the other boy who was on the ground said mockingly, "aren't you supposed to be studying?" Then he caught Xiao Yan Zi around the middle and pulled her back. Xiao Yan Zi was no match for two boys struggling against her and fell, hitting her head against a rock at the base of the tree. Yong Qi gasped in horror as he could see blood trickling down her temple, but still she stood up and pushed the other boy - obviously Ah Bao - away from her.

An odd feeling of protectiveness swept over Yong Qi and he forgot everything that he had been taught and rushed at the little clump of children. "Get away from her!" he cried.

"Oh, and who are you?"

What happened next, Yong Qi could never explain coherently afterwards. There were several thuds and flying limbs and the next thing Yong Qi knew, he was wrestling the two boys on the ground. Indeed, Xiao Yan Zi has joined in, too.

"What is going on - "

"What is the meaning of this - "

"Yong Qi - get up this instance!"

Yong Qi has never heard anything more frightening than his grandmother's voice at that moment. He looked up and saw his mother gazing down at him in utter bewilderment and his grandmother looking at him with disappointment. Beside him, the Abbess was trying to pull the boys and Xiao Yan Zi apart.

"I'm dreadfully sorry," the Abbess said to Er Niang and Lao Fo Ye, "I have not taught these children right and now they have gone and fought with Little Master - "

"He knows better than go around getting into fights," Lao Fo Ye said in a terrible voice. "Look at the state of you, child! What a way to make a spectacle of yourself, and in such a serene place of meditation!"

"But - " Yong Qi started in a tiny voice, but then lost his courage at his grandmother's glare. He hardly dared looked at Er Niang. Her disappointment would be even more frightening than Lao Fo Ye's.

"He wath avenging me!" Xiao Yan Zi spoke up indignantly. "It wathn't hith fault, Ah Mao and Ah Bao - "

"Xiao Ci, enough! Don't speak out of turn!" the Abbess snapped. "I am sure _you_ were the cause of all this, and I am sure you have not learned your lesson either, so you will be punished accordingly." Ah Mao and Ah Bao began to look pleased, until the Abbess snapped at them, "And don't think you two will get away with fighting with guests either!"

Neither Lao Fo Ye nor Er Niang had said anything yet about _his_ punishment, but Yong Qi knew it would come. He probably would never see the outside of the palace gate again for a long, long time, if ever. He snuck a look at Xiao Yan Zi and she gave him an apologetic smile and mouthed "Sorry" at him.

But then his mother took a step closer to Xiao Yan Zi and leaned down to her level. "Child, you are bleeding," she said softly, wiping the blood away from Xiao Yan Zi's face with her handkerchief. Xiao Yan Zi's eyes widened, and suddenly her eyes filled with tears. "Oh, don't cry." Er Niang cleaned the blood, dirt and tears from Xiao Yan Zi's face, before standing up and facing the Abbess again. "I am sure the child is in enough pain and is punished enough. I wish you would not punish her further."

"But Madam - "

"I am sure they all had their share of blame. But I am sure their lives have been hard enough, though. As for my son, I do apologise for him. He really should know better. Is that not right, Yong Qi?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

Then Er Niang leaned down to Xiao Yan Zi again and took from her own neck a gold necklace and placed it around Xiao Yan Zi. "This is for you, for when you grow up."

The Abbess gasped, "Madam, you surely don't mean to give a child such a treasure. She would lose it in an instance."

"Whether she loses it or not, I wish to give it to her. Poor child, she is all alone in the world and one day she will have to leave this place. This will give her something to live on. I do not know why, but I feel suddenly attached to her."

* * *

Yong Qi followed Lao Fo Ye and Er Niang out of the abbey, not daring to say a word. However, as dreadful as the punishment that might wait for him when he finally got home, he could only think of Xiao Yan Zi, whether the boys would try to do anything to her once they had all left. He was sorry, too, that he would probably never see her again. She had been such an interesting girl.

"Wait, pleathe!" Xiao Yan Zi's lisped rang out behind them and Yong Qi stopped. He turned around to find her running towards him. When she finally reached him, she held out a chubby hand and offered him a bright red plum. He took it and smiled at her. She gave him a toothless grin, and then swiftly leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. Then, in a whip of black braid, she was gone.

* * *

"What on earth happened?" Lao Fo Ye asked him once they were on the carriage. He was still carrying Xiao Yan Zi's plum. "Come now, I know you don't get into fights for no reason. You might as well tell us the whole story."

He did.

"Well, it was very gallant of you to come to that girl's aid, but _really_ - " Lao Fo Ye trailed off, as if not sure what the make of the whole situation. Yong Qi didn't know what to say so said nothing. His mother was fussing over his clothes, trying to make him look presentable again to enter the palace.

"You won't tell Huang Ah Ma, will you?" he asked finally. "You can punish me in any way you want, but please don't tell Huang Ah Ma!"

"No, I won't tell your father," his grandmother sighed. "And I won't punish you either. I can tell you regret it - "

"Oh, I don't regret helping Xiao Yan Zi. I do regret embarassing you - "

"Yong Qi!" his mother exclaimed.

"And you," his grandmother turned now to his mother, "you and that child - "

"Oh I hardly know what came over me, either, Huang Er Niang," his mother said. "But the child, I look at her and I see suffering, even if she is not aware of it herself. I meanwhat I said, I feel attached to her somehow. I can't explain it."

"I do have to admit she did have the most soulful eyes," his grandmother said finally. "But somehow I don't think it's a good idea for us to return to that abbey ever again."

Yong Qi bit back a disappointed sigh, though it was likely he would never be allowed to set foot back there ever again, either way.

"No," his mother agreed. "I am afraid of getting _too_ attached to that child."

* * *

Yong Qi raised himself on his elbow to take a better look at his sleeping bride. He brushed aside a lock of hair and discovered a scar on her temple. It was faint, very faint, so it was no wonder he had never noticed it before. You would have to be close to see it. That Xiao Yan Zi, who was forever getting into scrapes, would have scars, he wasn't surprised. But somehow this scar tugged at something in his memory. He traced his finger gently against it.

Xiao Yan Zi stirred and her eyes opened at his touch. "What is it?" she murmured sleepily.

"Where did you get this scar?"

"A long time ago...I was in a fight about the stupidest thing - "

"A plum tree?"

She was wide awake now and sat up, gaping at him. "What did you say?"

Yong Qi smiled as the memory, long forgotten, came flooding back to him. "Thiao Yan Thi?"

"Yeth." Her eyes widened as she, too, began to remember. "That was you?"

"_Yeth_." They laughed together at the amazement of the situation. Finally, he said again, "I have all but forgotten, but I saw this scar just now and it reminded me..."

She gave him a rather dazed look for a long moment before saying hesitantly, "Then that was your mother."

"Yes."

"Oh no!"

"What?"

"The necklace - "

"You lost it."

"No, I - I forgot - I mean, I was afraid that I would lose it, or that the boys - oh I hated those boys - would steal it, so I guarded it for that whole day and at night I got up and buried at the base of that plum tree but then I forgot - " Then, inexplicably, Xiao Yan Zi laughed. "Your mother was the reason I finally learned the Three Character Classic."

"Oh?"

"She was so kind to me and really, until then she was the first person who was kind to me - "

"What was I doing that day then, bullying you?"

"No, I mean the first grown up. Well, I grew up in the abbey, you know and the nuns weren't the most motherly types. They were kind, believe me, but never...maternal. When your mother came down and cleaned my face, I had a glimpse of what it might be like to have a mother and...I vowed I would learn the Classic for her. I learned it the next day. Unfortunately the vow didn't last for me to go on learning other things..."

Yong Qi laughed.

"I don't know why I didn't remember this till now. Maybe it's because I've learned to block out bad memories and the abbey didn't really have many happy memories... Why did you get into that fight that day for me?"

"Why, Xiao Yan Zi, they were two boys beating up a girl. I had to!"

"Oh, so it was because I was a girl?"

"And I liked you. I liked you then, as I like you now."

Xiao Yan Zi laughed.

"I should probably go back and find the necklace and hope that it's still there. It would mean a lot more to me now...It would mean a lot to _us_. I haven't been back since I ran away when I was seven..."

"I'll go with you."

"So what punishment did you get on my behalf that day?"

"Nothing. After I told the whole story, Lao Fo Ye didn't even tell Huang Ah Ma. Honestly I was shocked. But I never expect to ever be able to get back there again. I would have liked to, I think, to see you again."

"What did you do with my plum?"

"I ate it, of course!"

"What? But it was a present, a supposed keep-sake!"

"Xiao Yan Zi, it was a plum! What did you want me to do, let it rot?"

"Oh I suppose."

"But you know what?"

"What?"

"I really _was_ your first kiss."

"How could you be so sure?"

"You lived with nuns, Xiao Yan Zi. Are you saying you kissed those two boys?"

"Ewww..."

* * *

A/N: I've been dying to writing little Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi for ages but didn't get an idea until now. Though I will never attempt writing a lisp ever again. It's much harder than you'd think, remember where she has to lisp and where not.


	17. Destiny

**XVI. Destiny**

* * *

_Sometimes a little deception is necessary. _

* * *

"Huang Er Niang, we should probably look up a date for the youngsters' wedding."

"Very well. We will start with Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi, I suppose? Zi Wei cannot marry before Yong Qi. And Huang Di, how on earth are we to choose a date for Yong Qi if we do not have Xiao Yan Zi's birth date?"

"Well, we just don't know her hour and date and month of birth, and there's nothing we can do about that, I suppose we will have to make do with her birth year and try to choose the most appropriate date based on that. That girl is capable of causing chaos under any circumstances that I don't think having a perfect wedding date will enable her to avoid trouble for any stretch of time."

"Very well. So what year was she born?"

"She is the same age as Zi Wei."

Lao Fo Ye was visibly startled. "That means she was born in the year Ren Xu."

"Yes, of course. I thought you knew that."

"No, I have always been far more occupied with Zi Wei's birth year, which I have to admit is very compatible with Er Kang's. Indeed, the calendar doesn't have any complaints there. But Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi...I didn't realise how their ages clashed! No, absolutely not, Huang Di! Their ages are completely unsuitable! And no wonder, both their horoscopes have enough danger signs without having to _combine_ them into one."

"Huang Er Niang, surely now it is too late to even talk about that? After all, haven't they proved their feelings for each other is sincere and true? You can't think of separating them now and because of this!"

"Do you intend to fight what is destined in Heaven? Just look at their horoscopes, son. He would hardly have a peaceful life with her - "

"That's not necessarily a bad thing - "

"She will ruin him, absolutely ruin him. Their marriage will only end in financial ruin and poverty. Surely you can see that!"

"And surely you must see, Huang Er Niang, that that can only apply when there are little fortune on either side. But it would take a very extravagant person to squander _this_ fortune and really, Xiao Yan Zi is hardly that."

"Then perhaps it foretells that if he marries her, he will eventually leave the palace to follow her who knows where!"

"I think it's a case of if you _don't _allow him to marry her, he will definitely do that. Huang Er Niang, I am aware of what their horoscopes say. But really, you can't say that you wish me to go tell Yong Qi that he cannot marry Xiao Yan Zi after everything because their ages don't match?"

"I do say! To fight tradition and family wishes is one thing, but to fight against what is predestined, it is impossible!"

* * *

That afternoon, when Yong Qi returned from Shu Fang Zhai, Xiao Shun Zi told him that during the day, the Emperor had sent him a note and it was on his desk in the study. When in the study, he found only a slip of paper on his desk, and it said simply: "Xin You horoscope. Read it."

Confusion and a certain sense of trepidation filled Yong Qi as he pulled out the calendar. In his studies, he of course had covered calendar sciences, so his horoscope was not entirely foreign to him, but he had not thought about it for a long time. Why would his father suddenly want him to look at it again?

In the first half of the horoscope, there was little of note that he didn't notice before. It went on and on about how his life would never be financially stable, but then Yong Qi always found that highly ironic, as he probably could not be born in a more financially stable position. It was only until he reached towards the end where the horoscope talked about suitable marriage partners and ages for marriage that his heart stopped.

_Men born in the year Xin You should not marry the following ages: Ren Xu, Wu Chen, Jia Xu. If you marry a person of these ages, you will encounter numerous difficulties in your work, and will be unable to make a comfortable life and may encounter poverty for the rest of your life. These three ages clash against you in both matters of matrimony and wealth, therefore a marriage between you and one of these ages will only result in average happiness._

He turned rapidly over the pages for the verdict on Xiao Yan Zi's birth year and found similar information advising against marriage between two persons born in the years Xin You and Ren Xu.

"Oh for Heaven's sake!" Yong Qi groaned. He dropped his head onto the table and suspected that it would had hurt a lot more if not for the thick book that lie there, ready to cushion him.

He understood now the meaning behind his father's message. He could not try to kid himself that his father and his grandmother would not pay attention to their horoscopes. Even if they had apparently never noticed the clash before, they obviously were opening the calendar now to look for a date for them and the clash had come to their attention. There was no chance whatsoever that his grandmother would not heed the warnings.

Burying his nose in the rather dusty book was not an option for long and soon he had to lift his head, coughing. Then he looked at the page again, wishing that somehow the words on there had changed. They had not. He let out an exclaimation that he would never dare utter in front of his father, his grandmother or in any polite conversation.

"I don't think that's proper language for a prince, sir," a teasing voice made him look to the door. Er Kang was standing there.

"Shut up!"

"What's got your queue in a knot?"

"What are you doing here? I wasn't aware that you could just walk in here without announcement or invitation."

"I _was_ announced. You were obviously too busy smelling that book to notice."

Yong Qi didn't answer but simply gave Er Kang a disgruntled look. He knew it was unreasonable to be annoyed at Er Kang but now he suddenly remembered that Er Kang and Zi Wei's horoscopes were completely and utterly compatible. How was that fair?

"So what's wrong?" Er Kang asked.

Yong Qi stood up and shoved the book under Er Kang's nose, then started pacing around as his friend read.

"That's not good," Er Kang muttered as he finished.

"It's ridiculous! It's stupid! After everything, _every bloody thing we've been through_, I have to deal with this? I mean, seriously, that horoscope also said that I'd never be rich and let's face it, I've never been _not _rich!"

"Actually it says that you are born into a comfortable situation and will end up making money but will lose all that money due to careless spending," Er Kang said, snapping the book shut.

"_Really_?" Yong Qi's voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Just repeating what it says."

"I mean, I know Lao Fo Ye is probably reading half of my life into these horoscopes, but does she really think that they are entirely true? Ok, there are thousands of people born in the same year with me, how could it be possible that we would all share the same fate? It's impossible and ridiculous!"

"But it's not entirely a bad thing to have Heaven on your side though."

"Heaven was never on my and Xiao Yan Zi's side to begin with. I suppose I shouldn't expect it to suddenly be now!"

"So what did Lao Fo Ye say?"

"She didn't. I just got a note from Huang Ah Ma telling me I should look at the horoscope. Knowing Lao Fo Ye though, I think it's an uphill battle." Then again, wasn't everything involving Xiao Yan Zi and the court together an uphill battle?

They were so close, _so close_. When his father came personally to Nan Yang to ask them to come back, when they agreed to come back to the palace, Yong Qi had thought their fight was over. Everything seemed in place. Even Lao Fo Ye had somehow managed to reconcile herself to the idea of him and Xiao Yan Zi, as impossible as that seemed a year ago. He had thought Heaven was done picking on him and Xiao Yan Zi. Obviously Heaven left the best for last.

That Xiao Yan Zi was completely ignorant of manners of the court, he could teach her. That she had next to no knowledge of literature, he could teach her. That she got into trouble every other day, he could try to keep her from doing too much damage. That Lao Fo Ye obviously disapproved, he could talk her slowly into the idea. There might had been times when he felt just _discouraged _at the amount of obstacles in front of him, but then he at least knew that with a little more effort, those obstacles could somehow be eliminated or moved. All these obstacles, at least, were logical. How was he supposed to change _this_? How was this _logical?_

"Have you ever thought of actuallly asking Xiao Jian for Xiao Yan Zi's full birthdate?" Er Kang broke into Yong Qi's thoughts with a dose of much needed logic. "I mean, at the moment, are we even _sure_ that Xiao Yan Zi was born in the year Ren Xu? Apparently when they first met, Xiao Yan Zi told Zi Wei she thought her surname was Jiang and look how wrong she was there."

Yong Qi stared at Er Kang for a moment, wondering how he himself never thought of this! He grabbed Er Kang's hand and shook it profusely. "Of course! Thank you! Why didn't I ever think of that?"

"Of course, there is a chance it won't help any," Er Kang continued, still logically. "She may really be born in the year Ren Xu, which means you'd still be in trouble."

"Or she could be born a year later, which means I can't ask for a better age," he replied hopefully. "Let's go see Xiao Jian. Please, please don't say anything to Xiao Yan Zi just yet."

* * *

About an hour later, Yong Qi burst into Xiao Jian's room at Hui Bin Lou; Er Kang followed more calmly behind.

"Xiao Jian! When was Xiao Yan Zi born?"

"Hello to you too!"

Yong Qi brushed aside the mock greeting, because there were more at stake than just politeness. "Just answer the question."

"Second day, eleventh month, year Ren Xu. Why?"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course!"

"She's younger than Zi Wei then," Er Kang mused.

Yong Qi turned to stare at him. How could Er Kang be thinking of _Zi Wei_ when they were dealing with _Yong Qi_'s life-and-death situation here? "What does that have anything to do with anything?"

"Zi Wei really should be the older sister when they swore as sisters."

"That's hardly the point, Er Kang!"

"What is the point?" Xiao Jian asked.

"The point is my entire engagement is about to fall apart, because one of us, or both of us were born in the wrong year!"

"What's your birthdate?"

"Seventh day, second month, sixth year of Emperor Qian Long," Yong Qi hissed through gritted teeth.

"Xin You?" Yong Qi definitely didn't like how Xiao Jian's voice sounded almost gleeful as he said this.

"Yes, Xin You."

"But...surely you've _noticed_ that your birth years clashed? I mean, you _knew_ when she was born, right? The year at least?"

"Yes, I knew but come on, do you honestly think I had _time _to think about whether our birth years clashed or not? As if I never had anything else to worry about that was more present and had a better chance of destroying all our chances of happiness."

"Perhaps the horoscopes have a point," Xiao Jian said slowly.

Yong Qi stared at him for a long moment; he couldn't believe his ears. Did Xiao Jian really just say that? He had counted on some sort of support from Xiao Jian, even if the information about Xiao Yan Zi's age was really not favourable. However, did Xiao Jian really just suggest - ?

"So you're saying we should throw away everything that had happened in the last two years because of some horoscope written by some long-dead men?" Yong Qi demanded. "That after all the tests of our feelings, many that we nearly gave up on but still somehow managed to get through, after all that, we should just let everything go because we were born in the wrong year?"

An odd, twisted look appeared on Xiao Jian's face. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then after a moment's hesitation and strangely enough, a glance at Er Kang, he decided to stay silent. He continued to look at Yong Qi with that odd look, like there was something he wished to say but could not bring himself to. Finally, he said in a gruff voice, "What _are _you going to do then?"

Yong Qi took a moment to ponder and knew there was only one thing he could do to salvage the situation.

"Lie."

"What?"

"First day, first month, Gui Hai year, that was when Xiao Yan Zi was born. Perfect year, isn't it?"

Xiao Jian looked incredulous. "And you think your family would believe you?"

"They would, if you back me and up swear on it."

"You want me to lie about my sister's birthdate so that she can get to marry you?"

"So that we don't have to lose everything we've fought for for the last two years because of some stupid reason that we can't change! It's two months, what difference does that make?"

"A whole lot, apparently," Xiao Jian replied dryly.

"Do I have to beg? Because I really would."

Xiao Jian smirked. "That _would_ be interesting to see."

"_Please_, Xiao Jian. You must see that the horoscope is rubbish in any case."

"How so?"

"It says that if your sister marries me, she'll spend her life in poverty. I mean, seriously?"

"All right, fine, so I'll help you but how and when is for me to decide. If it sounds to rehearsed, I'm sure we'll be in trouble. Don't worry, I'll get this sorted soon. You're lucky Xiao Yan Zi hadn't thought to ask me about her full birthdate. Though if she marries you and those horoscopes come true, I'm holding you personally responsible."

* * *

Later, when Yong Qi had left the room, Er Kang lingered for a moment with Xiao Jian, long enough for the following exchange:

"You don't have to use it as an excuse, Xiao Jian."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You know what I mean. Let's face it, considering what you're really not telling them, this lie is hardly the worst of it. Their birthdates would be the least of their problems if you told all the other truths. So don't use it as an excuse to break them up, as tempting as that may be."

* * *

"Huang Shang, may I ask whether you have chosen a date for Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi's wedding yet or can I still make some suggestions as to the date?" Xiao Jian asked a few days later when he was visiting Xiao Yan Zi in the palace, and was conspicuously in the presence of Qian Long.

"Brother!" Xiao Yan Zi hissed, her cheeks reddening. Her fiance, on the other than, took care not to give away his anticipation of how exactly his future brother-in-law was going to carry this out.

"The date is a very important aspect, Xiao Yan Zi, and should be considered carefully. After all, you can't change your birthdate so can't pick your life path but you can pick an appropriate wedding date that would ensure your happiness." Yong Qi thought Xiao Jian looked entirely too smug as he said this, even though he was totally focused on Xiao Yan Zi and not looking at Yong Qi at all. Before Qian Long could answer, however, Xiao Jian addressed him again, "It is not that I'm in too much of a hurry, but I only ask because I have taken the liberty of looking through the calendar myself and considering my sister's age, it would suite her well to wait until after the new year to marry. This year, when she is still eighteen, is not such a good year, you see."

"Eighteen?"

"I'm nineteen. I will be twenty come the new year," Xiao Yan Zi said, but she didn't sound sure at all. She suddenly concentrated a lot more on the subject at hand now.

"No, no, sweetie, you were born in the year Gui Hai which means you will only be nineteen after the new year," Xiao Jian said calmly.

If Yong Qi didn't know any better, he would have believed him too. No wonder Xiao Jian remained such an enigma for the most of their acquaintance - he was a brilliant liar.

"Gui Hai?"

Yong Qi thought his father looked a tad skeptical, but it wasn't as if he could prove anything, could he? No, let his father suspect; even he would know it was fruitless to pursue the truth of the matter. Without any records, whose word was more reliable, Xiao Yan Zi who never knew anything about herself, or Xiao Jian's who was her brother and knew a lot more about her history than she did herself?

"I thought you knew that, considering none of you never asked about Xiao Yan Zi's birthdate."

It would cause more damage than good for him to say entirely silent in this exchange, so Yong Qi said, "We always took it for granted that Xiao Yan Zi was the same age as Zi Wei."

Xiao Jian chuckled, "I hate to break it to you, sister, but you will have to resign that "older sister" title of yours to Zi Wei. You were born on the seventh day, first month of year Gui Hai."

Doing a quick calculation and analysis in his head, Yong Qi had to hand it to Xiao Jian. He had apparently did his own research and came up with a date that was not only compatible to Yong Qi's birthdate by year but also by the day and month, but not so compatible that it was _perfect._ That would have been suspicious. Yong Qi wondered whether Xiao Jian would have matched up the hours as well if he had known Yong Qi's hour of birth.

Meanwhile, Xiao Yan Zi was bemoaning the loss of her status and Yong Qi was thankful that it was sufficiently amusing to distract both Zi Wei and his father so that neither of them noticed the fact that he wasn't that surprised with this information and had spent a few moments pondering the above.

"Well, now that we know more information about Xiao Yan Zi's birthdate, I must say it will be a lot easier to look up a suitable wedding date for you," said Qian Long finally.

Yong Qi noticed that his father shot him a rather suspicious look as he said this. He could only pretend he didn't notice such a look or what it meant though he knew that his father was probably not entirely convinced at this suddenly turn of good luck. Still, he appeared happy enough to give them all the benefits of the doubts and for that, Yong Qi was thankful.

It wasn't until much later, after Xiao Jian had left to return to Hui Bin Lou, and Yong Qi and Qian Long were leaving Shu Fang Zhai that his father said, "Don't ever tell me how much of all that was a coincident."

"I'm sorry? I don't know what you mean, Huang Ah Ma."

"You know very well what I mean, Yong Qi. In any case, I don't think even Heaven can control Xiao Yan Zi's antics so it probably doesn't matter that much how her horoscopes is."

Yong Qi probably wouldn't swear on it, but he was almost sure that his father nearly winked. Almost.

"_Thank you_, Huang Ah Ma."

* * *

_This was meant to be posted in Lunar New Year. Obviously that didn't happen._

_Usually I don't set too much store by horoscope (Eastern or Western) though I really would like to. I was born in the year of the Dragon (Wu Chen, so I'm not compatible to Yong Qi either haha), under the Western zodiac sign Leo but I don't think I show much of the characteristics that are usually assigned to either of these signs. Chinese zodiac and how it is used to determine a couple's compatibility in a match is insanely complicated. I spent too much time looking up Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi's horoscopes, including going to a book store and looking at feng shui books (but didn't buy one). I still don't understand why they are deemed incompatible. But they are. Hence this chapter. _


	18. End

**XVII. End**

* * *

_Until now, Yu He never allowed herself to admit that the most foolish thing she'd done in her whole foolish life was allowing herself to love him._

* * *

Yu He watched the unusual bustle about the little house from her bed. For a long time now, it had always just been the three of them together. Quiet, demure ladies that they were, noise and fuss both rarely occurred.

Perhaps she'd always known it would come to this. She must had known from the beginning, but stupid girl that she was, she denied it for as long as she could, until now when denial was no longer an option. Admitting her own stupidity would had been too painful, it would had robbed her of her strength even sooner than this and her little girl would had been left to no one. So until now, Yu He never allowed herself to admit that the most foolish thing she'd done in her whole foolish life was allowing herself to love him.

She told herself that it wasn't her fault, that he demanded it and who ever dared refuse when he demanded it? She told herself that she couldn't have done any different, that she didn't have a choice. But the truth was, she wanted it, her heart, her body, all of her wanted him, and so she let him. His command had only been a shield, an excuse for her to give in. Perhaps if he was someone else, perhaps if she didn't have that excuse, she might not have given in so easily.

She should have known better, really. She should have followed her parents' and her books' teaching and never allow herself to love him, or anyone, unless he was her husband. She should have never gave in to the romanticism of youth, of the naive dream that he could love her back, just as powerfully as she loved him. Should have. She should have done so much and she could have done so much more with her life.

If her desire was a crime, then she had paid the price for her entire life. Did it really matter now why she allowed it to happen? It was over. All was over. She had no strength left to hope for him, to wait for him.

Only, what would become of her daughter?

Zi Wei was the biggest mistake of her life, but also the greatest joy of her life. For such joy, Yu He had given her a life that no child should have to live, let alone one as sweet and clever and brilliant as Zi Wei. Her daughter had known shame even before she even understood what shame was. Even before she was born, she had to endure the whispers and the stares; the only kind of anticipation before her birth was what this child would look like and whether it would provide any kind of evidence as to who its father was, who Yu He had _ruined herself_ over.

Zi Wei, the sweet child, had never once dared ask Yu He why the people in the village people stared at her every time she set foot out of doors and what the whispers meant. She must had heard the whispers and as she grew older, she must had guessed what some of it meant. Yet she never questioned why it all seemed to go against all the teachings in the books that Yu He encouraged her to read. She had never complained that the village children shunned her because their parents had warned them to stay away from her. Her only playmate, then companion as she grew older, had been Jin Suo, the child who had collapsed in front of the Xia house one winter with her mother, who had died from the cold and starvation soon after. Yu He had taken her in and Jin Suo had to endure the stigma of their reputation too, but the girl never complained, remaining as faithful as though Yu He deserved it.

They both were too good for her, and Yu He knew it. She still didn't quite understand how it happened, how Zi Wei remained so innocent and good, and still trusted her. How was it that she didn't grow up jaded and hating the world who mocked and despised her? It was a miracle that Yu He never dared to pray for, not even when the child was born.

But that innocence would be shattered soon enough, Yu He thought with pain and regret. Just as Yu He's own wide-eye innocence had crumbled when she began to fear that he was never coming back for her. She had been just Zi Wei's age now.

It was time, Zi Wei needed to know everything. Yu He could feel her strength being sapped out of her by the passing seconds and the more she put it off, the more chance she would not have enough time.

Zi Wei had just entered the room carrying a tray with a bowl of porridge, and Yu He knew it was for her. She didn't think she would ever eat this meal. She had eaten her last meal, she was sure of it.

"Mother, I have brought you your dinner."

"Put it down and sit by me, Zi Wei. Call Jin Suo up here, as well." When the two girls had gathered around her, Yu He continued speaking. "Zi Wei, in the chest over there, get me the package in it." She watched as her daughter pulled out the package that held two objects which were her locks and chains, the two objects she valued above everything, because they were proof that he once loved her and that she didn't dream it all up.

At her instructions, Zi Wei unwrapped the package and handed her the fan and painting. Yu He hugged the treasures to herself and allowed herself for a moment to imagine that he was here, and that she was dying with both the people she loved most around her, not just Zi Wei alone.

Then, she reached out and took her daughter's hand, holding it tight. She hoped that Zi Wei's touch would allow her to keep her strength just a little longer to tell her everything.

"Zi Wei, it is time I tell you about your father."

Yu He didn't allow herself, didn't dare, to look at her daughter's face, so she didn't see the way Zi Wei's eyes filled with tears as she realised what must had driven her mother to finally start talking about her father. Yu He closed her eyes and let herself sink into the memories. She needed to talk, to talk and not see the pain, the blame, perhaps, and whatever other emotions on Zi Wei's face because she could barely keep up with her own emotions as it was; she couldn't face Zi Wei's as well.

"I was seventeen when he came..."

The memories in her heart made their way to her lips almost effortlessly. A lifetime of secrets, of hidden pains, all locked up, now flowed like a dam had been broken.

When the story was finished, when she had laid all her delusions and foolishness out so that there were no longer any secrets, she finally opened her eyes. Surprisingly, Yu He found she wasn't crying. Perhaps she had cried all that was possible in all the years she had spent waiting for him. She had no tears left for him now. Her heart only ached for Zi Wei, who had tears cascading down her cheeks.

"The truth is," she whispered, "I have waited for a lifetime, hated for a lifetime, longed for a lifetime, and regretted for a lifetime, but I still thank Heaven who have given me someone worth waiting for, worth hating, worth longing for and worth regretting for. Otherwise, life would be like a dry well, devoid of meaning. I am only sorry that I have subject you to a life when you cannot hold your head high when you set foot out of doors and that I could not have told you this before now."

"Mother, please don't say that. I know you had your own suffering even if you could not tell me. I am sorry you had to keep this all to yourself all this time."

"Tell me, Zi Wei, did you ever think about it? Did you ever guess?"

"I - "

Zi Wei was hesitant, and Yu He knew she was trying to spare her feelings. But her daughter was intelligent, she wasn't his daughter for nothing, and she must had guessed at least some of it. She just didn't want to admit it, to make Yu He feel like the fool for having kept it from her but make it so obvious all at the same time.

"You have, I know. You wondered why I would not bind your feet, you wondered why I spent all the precious little money we had into your education, why you had to learn Manchurian. And now, you know the whole truth. Don't hate me, Zi Wei."

Her daughter grasped her hands tightly and Yu He knew, in those tears, there was no hate. Zi Wei was much too good for that.

"I don't have much time left - "

"Mother - "

She could not allow Zi Wei to speak; she could tell the last breaths dwindling out of her, and hear the rasping breaths of death at her side, stealing the air from her.

"No, child, I know my strength. There is none left. Take these. I will not be here tomorrow to take care of you, to watch over you. You must find him, and if Heaven is kind, perhaps he would not forsake you. Find him, find him and ask him whether he remembers Xia Yu He by the Daming Lake."

"Mother, please, I still need you." The sobs that broke out of her daughter tore her heart apart, but she knew there was no other way.

Yu He wished she could stay. She would stay and bear the pain, if Zi Wei still needed her, still wanted her to. But she could not fight death, not even for Zi Wei. How she wished she could!

"I know, dearest, but I have waited my life out, I have no more strength. I always knew this was how it would end, but I was only too delusional to admit it. I always knew, the lilyturf is as soft as silk, it cannot divert the rock. Find him, Zi Wei. All my suffering will be worth it, if there is only a part of him that remembers..."

The words and life both ended there and Yu He knew not how her hands had gone slack in her daughter's, and how Zi Wei had choked with sobs beside her.

Outside, the rain was pouring, so that it looked like the lotuses on Daming Lake were crying with her too.


	19. Tradition

**XVIII. Tradition**

* * *

_We only keep the traditions we want to keep. Outtake from _The Unforeseen Complications of Leaving.

* * *

"Ai Tai tai, say, how old is Ji Xiang?" It was their neighbour's totally innocent question that started the issue.

Xiao Yan Zi and Qing Er were sitting behind the counter of the apothecary; Xiao Yan Zi was confined to the house on Yong Qi's orders since she had only recently given birth to Ru Yi and the complications of the hard birth had not passed. It hardly mattered since Xiao Yan Zi, for once, was not in a hurry to get out of bed or out of the house, especially when Ru Yi was far from as being as strong as she should be. She could hardly bear the thought of leaving Ru Yi as it was. Qing Er had come over to keep Xiao Yan Zi company and was now sewing some clothes for Ru Yi as neither of them trusted Xiao Yan Zi with a needle.

Their neighbour, Liu Tai tai, and whose husband had a farm nearby, had come over to buy some medicine for her sick son and had seen Xiao Yan Zi's older daughter, Ji Xiang run out of the apothecary just moments earlier. She was heading for Qing Er and Xiao Jian's house, where Xiao Yan Zi's brother was already starting Ji Xiang and her twin brother on some basic education.

Liu Tai tai was a kindly woman, a little older than Xiao Yan Zi and Xiao Yan Zi thought she was a good neighbour, always caring about the well-being of those around her. Sometimes, she could be a little too caring and subsequently became nosy instead. But the question seemed innocent enough, so Xiao Yan Zi answered, "She'll be five soon."

"Then you should be thinking about binding her feet soon, no? I suppose it's all well to let her run around now while she still can, but I suspect next winter she won't be so free anymore."

The comment could not have surprised Xiao Yan Zi more, because the truth was, she had never thought about foot binding in her entire life.

"Perhaps," she said non-committally. She glanced at Qing Er and found that Qing Er had a rather blank look on her face as well. Of course, Qing Er would probably not think about foot binding any more than she did.

"I see you both have been lucky, of course, with your marriages, to have married such fine men! How on earth their families agreed is beyond me, and they themselves as well! Not, of course, that there is anything wrong with either of you, but you must admit, ladies, that your feet..."

Their feet were hidden behind the counter so the only way Liu Tai tai could see them was to drape herself over it, but still, she made an attempt of glancing to the ground anyway. Neither Xiao Yan Zi nor Qing Er answered. Liu Tai tai didn't need to know that Xiao Yan Zi's husband's family never agreed on his choice of wife, but the reason was hardly because of her lack of bound feet. Possibly Liu Tai tai was _dying_ to know why neither Xiao Yan Zi nor Qing Er had bound feet in the first place, but Xiao Yan Zi wasn't about to invite that conversation. So she just smiled.

"Well," the neighbour said after a while, "you would want to prepare Ji Xiang better for her sake. After all, with that face, she'll be quite a heartbreaker someday. It would be a pity if other problems held her back in marriage." And on that note, she left.

"Don't look at me," Qing Er told Xiao Yan Zi. "I wouldn't know the first thing about foot binding."

"Do you think she has a point though?" Xiao Yan Zi asked worriedly.

"Perhaps, if you look at it from her point of view. But isn't Ji Xiang's marriage prospect rather settled?"

"What?"

"The deal you made with Er Kang and Zi Wei? If she is to marry there, she _cannot_ have bound feet."

"Oh come on, Qing Er, that was almost a joke. Besides, when we said that we were under the impression we would all be in Beijing. But now we're here and they're there. Ji Xiang is hardly five yet, I'm not about to - well - "

"Well, then perhaps you should ask _Yong_ Qi what he thinks about the idea of foot binding," Qing Er said, her voice dropping low but emphasising nonetheless. "Though the way Liu Tai tai was talking, it was almost as though she wants Ji Xiang for her son and was giving you a sort of condition or something."

* * *

"Liu Tai tai was over here this morning," Xiao Yan Zi said to Yong Qi later that night.

"Oh, how is her son? I didn't get to stop over to see him today."

"She said he's much better. Anyway, she said something rather - erm - thought provoking."

He was struggling with a rather uncooperative boot and she knew he was only half listening to her. He had walked home in the rain and the water-logged boots now refused to dislodge his foot.

"Here, let me."

"Thanks," he said when she managed to separate his foot and the offending shoe. "So what did she say?"

"Well, she said that Ji Xiang was getting to the age when her feet should be bound."

Yong Qi looked up abruptly from where he was washing his hands in a corner of the room.

"No!" He had hardly ever used that sharp tone with her before, Xiao Yan Zi knew it was reserved for delivering commands and when he used such a tone, he wasn't about to be disobeyed. She thought it was a rather exaggerated response for such a mundane conversation.

"Yong Qi - " She still could not break herself of occasionally using his real name even though they had agreed that even in private they should not use it, lest it becomes a habit. But when he used that tone, she could not address him with anything else.

"No, Xiao Yan Zi," he said more softly. "We are _not_ binding our daughters' feet."

"Somehow, I don't think that it is _your _job, sweetheart."

"It's not happening, Xiao Yan Zi. I mean it."

"It's kind of the prerequisite for marriage around these parts, Yong Qi, actually in fact, in the entire country except in your neck of the woods."

"Ji Xiang is _four_, and Ru Yi isn't even a hundred days old yet. We should hardly be thinking of their marriage now. And even if we are, I am not going to sentence my daughters to a lifetime of pain for the sake of a good marriage. You don't have bound feet and have you ever suffered because of it?"

"That's because I married you," Xiao Yan Zi rolled her eyes before throwing him a towel to dry his hands with.

"Fine, your brother never complained."

"My brother likes to wander around, he would hardly do that with a wife who had bound feet."

"Exactly. You must see that if you ever had bound feet, you would never be able to run and so would you have lived this long?"

"Probably not, but I should hope that neither Ji Xiang nor Ru Yi would have to have my life when they would have to run from people trying to cause them harm."

"Of course not, but you also want to teach Ji Xiang martial arts."

"No I want _you _to teach her martial arts."

"Well I can't do that if she has bound feet." Xiao Yan Zi thought he looked rather smug as he said this, though she had to admit he had a point.

"I rue the day when we didn't manage to ban this crazy practice," Yong Qi muttered. It was probably more to himself than to her, but Xiao Yan Zi heard it anyway.

"What is it with you Manchurian and banning stuff?" she scowled. "Even I know it's an integral part of the Han culture. Heck, even other ethnicities practice it too, just you lot are the only ones who don't. If the queue order - and I know this is a touchy subject for both of us - already caused a world of chaos in this country, what would a foot binding ban do?"

He gave a sigh and took her hand. "Xiao Yan Zi, first of all, I cannot blame some Han people, including your father, yes, for resenting the queue order. To be honest, I can understand how they can feel insulted by it and how it robs them of identity. I hesitate to say this, but perhaps that wasn't the wisest decision in the long run that my ancestors made, to inflict this order on the whole country. Foot binding is different. It's sadistic and it's _stupid_. All it does is cause pain to women from the age of five, six until forever! It's unnatural! Don't you think that if nature wanted such feet to be the epitome of beautiful that it would have made them that way?"

"But you do know that women in this country aren't exactly complaining, right? All of them do it?"

"Because they've been conditioned into thinking that they have to do it! Because they are told they would not get a proper husband if they don't have bound feet. Mothers, therefore, think it is their duty to bind their daughters' feet properly so that they would be a suitable bride. The _problem_ is not that women aren't complaining, it's that the men aren't doing anything to stop it. As long as women think that this is what the men want, they will continue doing it. If every woman in this country stopped binding their feet, men would hardly stop marrying them! But it is this roundabout, dependent mindself that makes the practice, regrettably, impossible to ban. It is _too _ingrained in the culture and as you said, a ban would throw the country into chaos. The only way the practice would be eliminated is that the men start saying they don't want it but for them, it's women's business even though it is ultimately done for their benefit."

Xiao Yan Zi had rarely heard him talk so passionately like this about anything, perhaps except herself. It was hardly the same, was it? He obviously had a very strong stance against this and it wasn't just because it was Han practice that needed to be eliminated under Manchurian rule.

"You - ah - feel very strongly about this," she said tentatively.

"It frustrates me that it would take decades, if not centuries for this practice to die out - it's been around for centuries as it is - and meanwhile nearly every woman in this country is suffering quite pointlessly. To be honest the more I read on this practice the more I wish it never existed."

"Why do you read on it? I hardly think it's part of your education."

"It's not. I don't know how it started but I think I stumbled on the procedure somewhere and it just - I think sickened me is the appropriate word. Now when I get to study medicine more closely it terrifies me even more. One in every ten girl _die _from it. There's a huge book simply on how to treat problems to do with foot binding alone. And we can't ban it."

"Have it ever been tried?"

"Oh yes, buth Emperor Kang Xi was forced to retract the ban after only a few months. I think between the queue order and the foot binding ban, something had to give and guess which one they chose. It only taught me that when a ruler comes into a country that is not their native place, they can't just inflict their views on the people already there and expect them to accept. Such tyranical methods would only breed discontent and rebellion. This is even further confirmed when you consider your family's situation."

Xiao Yan Zi was surprised he used the word tyranical to talk about his ancestors. Then again, between all other "crimes" he had committed, it seemed a rather trivial thing.

"Back to the subject, we're not binding Ji Xiang or Ru Yi's feet," he said firmly.

"So what will you do when the matchmaker turn her nose up at them because they don't have bound feet?"

"Bring them to Beijing and I'm sure between Er Kang, Er Tai, Liu Qing, Liu Hong they should have sons enough to marry our daughters." Xiao Yan Zi burst out laughing; Yong Qi grinned. "Isn't that the plan for Ji Xiang in the first place?"

"Oh please, you know it was hardly a firm plan. I suppose you do have a point. Besides I would hardly know the first thing about it. Though what am I supposed to tell Liu Tai tai when she asks?"

"Tell her we're Manchurian and don't believe in foot binding."

"Oh come on."

"It's the truth!"

"Why don't I tell her that you really are a prince while I'm at it?"

"Then tell her it's none of her business. I can't imagine all the Bai Yi people here bind their daughters' feet? I'm sure I've seen women around without bound feet."

She couldn't help a gleeful trap. "You notice whether women you see on the streets have bound feet or not?"

Yong Qi gaped at her for a moment. "Oh please! It's kind of obvious isn't it, from the way they walk, to tell a women with bound feet from one without?"

"It's only obvious if you look at their - "

"I do not!"

" - feet."

"Oh."

"I said feet. What did you think I was going to say?" she giggled.

Yong Qi shook his head. "Can we _please _get back to the subject?"

"Which is?"

"Tell Liu Tai tai it's none of her business."

"It would be if she wants to ask for Ji Xiang for her son."

"She does?"

"I don't know. Qing Er thinks so otherwise she wouldn't care about when Ji Xiang is having her feet bound."

"Well then you can tell her that I'm not giving Ji Xiang away to someone who sets a condition on her. Bottom line, no bound feet for our daughters. You wouldn't know what to do anyhow."

"No," Xiao Yan Zi agreed. "So what _would_ you do?"

"You really want to know?"

She shrugged.

"First you soak the feet in warm animal blood to soften bones - which by the way, sounds absolutely useless - then you fold the toes back against the sole of the foot and bind it there tight. Then you make her walk on those toes until her bones break and you keep breaking the bones until they mend in the shape that you want. That's actually the abridged version. You don't want to hear the whole of it."

"That sounds absolutely disgusting," Xiao Yan Zi answered nauseaously.

"My point exactly. Though to be honest, if your feet were ever bound, they would make the perfect lotus feet that would be the envy of many, many girls."

"You're kidding."

"Not at all." He leaned down and slipped her shoes and socks off, so that her feet were bare, lifted them onto his lap and cradled them both in his hands. She watched in fascination as his fingers traced the length of the sole of her left foot. "Your feet are naturally small, even now when they are full grown, so if they had been bound when you were little, they would keep the perfect, desirable size. Your bones are supple and flexible - " he used his hand to bend her left foot almost to a right angle as if to demonstrate " - and also located especially high, which gives your sole a slightly more curvy appearance, and it means that with correct bending and binding, they would be perfect."

"How can the bones of my feet be _high_? They're feet, there's only so much height in them. How can you tell?"

"This bone," he said, tracing against the top of her foot, from the ankle to her toes. "It makes your foot rise slightly higher, and allows you to bend your foot a little more. Since the main bones of the foot would have to be raised and curved during the binding, the fact that they are already higher would make it easier and slightly less painful, I suppose, but only very slightly."

Xiao Yan Zi could only stare at him in a rather twisted fascination. "You know way too much about this."

"Unfortunately. I wanted to know as much as possible to propose a ban to Huang Ah Ma once, unfortunately after it all I found out it was attempted and failed."

"So for all that you are saying about my feet being perfect for binding, if I had bound feet, would you have wanted me?"

"If you had bound feet, there would have to be someone who cared to bind them for you, in which case you would be a very different person. So it would be hard to tell. But for the record I'm glad they're not bound."

"Actually some of the grannies at Da Zha Yuan have bound feet and I used to help them clean their feet. It seems like a pain in the neck and I can't see why anyone would call that beautiful."

"Actually it's a pain in the foot," Yong Qi smiled. Then, more seriously he said, "I'm surprised if you have seen the difficulties with it that you would even consider it."

"I wasn't _considering_, I was just telling you what Liu Tai tai said because Qing Er said I should. Does she know about your offensive spiel against foot-binding?"

Yong Qi shrugged. "I might have mentioned it at some point to Er Tai and I suppose it traveled through the grapevine to her somehow, probably through Er Kang."

"Besides you are right, I wouldn't know what to do anyhow. I was just wondering whether it is wise to announce to the world how different we are."

"I think we've already announced that seeing as neither you nor Qing Er have bound feet. In any case, the children would be learning Manchurian so I think we would be different enough, even though we wouldn't be announcing this last difference."

"You're not going to give up on that, are you?" Xiao Yan Zi said, wrinkling her nose.

"No, and it would do you good to keep it up too."

Xiao Yan Zi laughed. "When am I, or the children, ever going to have a chance to speak Manchurian? And you know it's hopeless for me."

"It's not practical, I know, but they're my children, they're learning Manchurian."

"Just in case?"

"Just _because_. You want Ji Xiang to learn martial arts and I want them to learn Manchurian. It's a deal isn't it?"

She smiled, "I suppose."

* * *

_A/N: I know this is basically a very long conversation. It was inspired when I read Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See (it's being made into a movie with Fan Bing Bing I think). It's a really good book though very depressing. I guess the thing that stood out for me most from that book was the graphic descriptions of foot binding. _


	20. Father

_A/N: Some searching on the internet about Yong Qi would show that the real prince Yong Qi was the fifth son of Qian Long, and his favourite son, highly-talented, tri-lingual (he was fluent in Chinese, Manchurian and Mongolian languages) and presumably a good candidate for the succession before he died at the age of 25. In the 28th year of Emperor Qian Long, Yong Qi saved the emperor from a fire in the Summer Palace. This is the story of that fire, HZGG-style. It's so focused on just Qian Long and Yong Qi that it could almost be historical fiction instead of fanfic._

* * *

**XIX. Father**

* * *

_Just when Emperor Qian Long gave himself up for lost in that summer fire, the Fifth Prince did something very brave and very stupid: he rushed in to save his father. Qian Long could not be more displeased._

* * *

_Yuan Ming Yuan, twenty-eighth year of Emperor Qian Long_

Qian Long was in the deepest rooms of one of the halls in Yuan Ming Yuan when the front of the building caught fire. When it started, and even later, when he had got out of it, he had no idea exactly how the fire started but considering it was an unusually dry and hot summer, a fire was probably not too hard to start. The fire was already raging full over half the building, wafing in a horrible, suffocating smell of burning painted wood, before he realised it.

Immediately he tried to make his way rapidly out of the building, or at least to one of the side exits. He stumbled along, groping his way through smoke that was weaving its way through the rooms like a black, malevolent, suffocating snake. All the while, he was cursing his bad timing to choose that particular day and moment to have dismissed all the servants. Of all the time to be indulging in the silence of solitude in a cool room at the back, it had to be at an entirely inopportune moment. He wondered where the blast everyone was, and how in Heaven they managed to get out of the building so quickly as it seemed he was the only one still trapped in it. More alarming was how on earth they managed to forget that he was in the building and why no one was coming to his aid, no matter how he was calling for his servants. Eventually, he stopped opening his mouth at all, because it was obviously not working and it only made smoke fill his lungs, sending him into fits of coughing.

It seemed so much like a plot – an _absurd_ assassination plot. Oh yes, as if anyone was stupid enough to assassinate him by setting a building to fire. Would not poison be a little more effective?

So lost was Qian Long in his thought that he stumbled over an overturned table that must had been shoved out of place by people rushing out of the building. His reflexes were far from what they used to be and he ended up in a very undignified heap on the floor, his ankle caught up in the carving spaces of the table, twisted. By the time he eased his very painful ankle free of the table, he discovered some horrible truth. He could not possibly stand on it – it was sprained, at least – and there was no way he would be able to hobble out of the building before it collapsed. The heat of the fire was making its way all around him, so that even the cool tiled floor felt hot.

He leaned heavily against a column after testing his ankle and feeling the pain shoot up his leg.

Qian Long cursed again.

If this was an assassination plot, it was succeeding.

For an agonising moment, Qian Long wondered if this was really it, and that he would really die in this fire. He did not fear death. Emperor as he was, he knew he would never live ten thousand years, no matter what anyone said, how many people said it and how many times they said it. He had lived a long life. He had accomplished more than most emperors had in their reign. He didn't have much to regret and he would not grudge dying now. He was not too young for death; he was prepared for it. He did not fear for his country, for he knew they were in the middle of a golden age. And the successor he had in mind would be an excellent one. He had complete faith that he could place the whole country in Yong Qi's hands now and this prosperity would continue.

Yet it seemed such a _stupid_ way to go, considering all those accomplishments.

Meanwhile, Qian Long could see the flames licking their way all over the room next door, and soon it would make its way to where he was. He stared at the golden red flames in morbid fascination. It somehow seemed to match the gold on his robe, the smoke curling just the way the clouds on his robe curled. He would blend into that fire when it came to claim him.

He continued to watch the flame, edging closer than ever.

Just as Qian Long was about to give himself up to fate, it seemed that fate had a different agenda in mind.

"Huang Ah Ma!" he heard a voice call out. Those three words had never brought more relief, but at the same time worry and panic to Qian Long in his life.

It was Yong Qi's voice.

He looked up to see his son pushing aside furniture and rushing his way towards him, waving away smoke to clear his vision. Yong Qi, a vision in blue, seemed to stand out against the black backdrop and the golden flames that were nearing them both.

Was it possible to be both glad and not glad to see Yong Qi? Qian Long could not decide which of those two emotions he was feeling, but whatever it was, he could not be more angry at Yong Qi for being there at that moment.

What on _earth_ was Yong Qi doing here? Qian Long was not aware he was even in the building at all. And if he was not, what the _hell_ did he think he was doing running inside a burning building? They didn't need _both_ to die in this! Why, _of all time_, did Yong Qi have to choose _right then _to do something so _monumentally stupid_?

"Huang Ah Ma! We need to get out of here," his son was saying urgently as he neared him. Yong Qi gripped his arm and, despite the situation, Qian Long leaned gratefully against him.

"I think my ankle is sprained," Qian Long said by the way of explanation, but it seemed that Yong Qi could already gather that much. Other questions – like what Yong Qi was doing there – could wait till after they were out of here. Qian Long could scold his son for his foolishness later.

"I can carry you out," Yong Qi said. Before Qian Long could really react, Yong Qi had hoisted him onto his back.

They eventually managed to make their way out of the building, coughing from the smoke that filled their lungs and almost blinded them. Immediately the servants gathering outside the building met them and helped eased him from Yong Qi's back to a chair – where it came from Qian Long had no idea. Everything else seemed a chaos as everyone clamoured all over him, asking after his well being, blaming themselves for forgetting him, professing they deserved death and all that rubbish. He knew they would all be saying that, so it was easy to tune it all out.

Meanwhile, through the throngs of people, he could see Xiao Yan Zi grabbing Yong Qi into a frantic and worried hug. Her hands gripped the back of Yong Qi's shirt, looking as if she never intended to let go. Her face was white with fear and worry. She must had been really worried to show such affection in front of so many people.

"Will you give me some warning next time you decide to run into a burning building?" Xiao Yan Zi cried, thumping Yong Qi on the back with her fists.

Well _that_ answered that question.

Yong Qi didn't protest at the blows but just assured her that he was unharmed, but Xiao Yan Zi still clung to him, as if afraid he would do another stupid thing if she let him go.

It took a while to get out of that mob, but eventually they they resettled in the hall where Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi were staying. Qian Long was assured that Lao Fo Ye was not aware of the fire yet and was determined to keep the information from her for as long as possible. Or at least, keep his near brush with the fire unknown. Though it could not be for very long.

Qian Long had Ling Fei to fuss over the state of his ankle as tai yi examined and bandage it. He could not really see what the fuss was about, really it was just sprained and though he must keep off it, he won't die from it. After all, the sprained ankle seemed too trivial now that he was literally out of the fire. Nearby, Xiao Yan Zi was busy bandaging Yong Qi's hand, which was burnt from brushing against some burning wood. Qian Long could see his son's skin marred with an angry red burn from where he sat, before Xiao Yan Zi wound the white bandages over it. She had refused to let tai yi take care of it.

"I am fine, Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi was saying with forced patience as Xiao Yan Zi, though finished with his hand, was still looking over him as if trying to find more injuries, her brows creased in worry. She reached over and tenderly brushed a streak of soot away from his cheek with her handkerchief; he had missed it when he cleaned his face earlier. The scene was too intimate that Qian Long chose that moment to look away from his son and daughter-in-law.

After tai yi left, he let Xiao Yan Zi turn around and ask all manners of fussy questions about his well being as well. When it was over, Qian Long finally turned on his son, who, though unlike his wife, had restrained with the questions, was looking at him with concern.

"What in the name of Heaven were you _thinking_?" Qian Long asked, irritation filling his voice. Now that they were away from danger, he felt more than ever the sheer _stupidity_ of Yong Qi's actions.

"Huang Ah Ma?" Yong Qi answered, his confusion apparent.

"You _ran_ into a _burning_ building! Did you give _any_ thought to what would have happened if we did not manage to get out?" he said crossly.

His son gaped at him for a moment, before finding his voice. "You were in there, Huang Ah Ma, I _had_ to!" Yong Qi protested, looking at him in astonishment as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Qian Long could not help but marvel at Yong Qi's integrity. He knew some princes, if they ever knew that they were first in line for succession, would end up letting their father die in a fire to take the throne.

"And if we had _both_ died? If I was to die in a fire, Yong Qi, I would _prefer_ it if you were alive to take over the country! If you had died, the succession will I left behind would be totally void and who knows what manner of civil war would have broken out?"

Perhaps his annoyance at his son's act was rather unreasonable and ungrateful as it was his _life_ Yong Qi was saving, and besides, the prince had no idea of his name in the succession. Though he really _should_ know, Qian Long knew he made it obvious enough, even if this was the first time he really mentioned it out loud. But he also knew it was not in Yong Qi's nature to strive for the throne therefore he would never had considered it.

Indeed, Yong Qi was still looking at him in shock, as if he had not considered that at all. Qian Long was not afraid of those who would hear of this supposed-secret. Ling Fei did not look surprised; then again, no one would be surprised at his choice of successor, except Yong Qi himself. Even Xiao Yan Zi seemed to have seen it coming, though she still looked a bit uncomfortable with the subject.

"I – " Yong Qi started, stammered then fell silent, searching for words. In another situation, it would almost be funny, to see his normally eloquent son so completely speechless. It took him several tries before he could make out with a weak "I had no idea, sire."

Qian Long sighed and said more softly, "Who else do you expect me to give this empire to?"

He was looking at Yong Qi in all seriousness now. He had never said out loud his choice of successor before, but to hell with the secrecy. If spelling it out to Yong Qi means that he would take care of himself in the future, so be it!

"I was kind of hoping you would not be giving it to anyone any time soon," Yong Qi had replied simply, though Qian Long could tell he was disturbed by this sudden knowledge. His colour was high, it was not from the heat of the fire earlier, and he sounded oddly choked.

Well, that was Qian Long's intention too, but still. "It is something that you should consider, seriously, from now on," he said, looking at his most cherished son significantly.

"Huang Ah Ma – I – I don't think – " Yong Qi stammered, and from the expression on his face, Qian Long could tell he was trying to refuse the appointment. Xiao Yan Zi, meanwhile, twisted her handkerchief nervously in her lap and her eyes were firmly planted to the ground.

"Don't even try, Yong Qi," Qian Long cut him off abruptly. "It is not negotiable."

"But I have never thought about it before, Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi said earnestly. "I don't think I'm prepared for such thing – "

"It is not something that you can prepare for, Yong Qi!" Qian Long told him sharply. "You are not a child, Yong Qi, you understand what is at stake! I came to the throne when I was only three years older than you are now, do you think anyone _asked_ if I wanted it? Whether I was ready for it? If I had died today" – he waved away the vocal protests from all three of his family in the room – "who would you be directing your refusal to? You could refuse me now, but would you refuse your country, your responsibilities?"

Yong Qi, at least, had the grace to look chatised. "It is not that I wish to to avoid the responsibilities, Huang Ah Ma, I just fear I cannot live up to your expectations."

Qian Long sighed and said in a softer tone, "I am aware of the pressure I am putting on your shoulders, but if I didn't know you would live up to my every expectation, I would not ask it of you. But it also means you cannot be so stupidly brave the next time, Yong Qi. You can't run into every burning building to save me. Of the two of us, I would much rather you live, do you understand?"

"You can't seriously prefer that I leave you to that fire, Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi gasped, aghast.

"No," the Emperor admitted, "not now, that we both got out of it. But in another circumstance, Yong Qi, keep yourself alive, and don't be recklessly brave _and stupid_. I would sacrifice an army before I can bear to see you die before you can take the throne, Yong Qi."

"I don't think such an order would be effective, Huang Ah Ma," Xiao Yan Zi finally spoke up, a hint of a smile on her face. "If he wasn't so recklessly brave and stupid, he wouldn't _be_ Yong Qi and this conversation would not be taking place."

"Well, half the time he is foolish for your sake, Xiao Yan Zi, so you will keep that in mind, as well," Qian Long glowered at her. Xiao Yan Zi flushed.

Qian Long was somewhat amazed at how the conversation was turning, and at his own admission about what he would trade for Yong Qi's life. Not that he placed any restrictions on his affection for his son, and it was not solely for the sake of the succession, but it was amazing that he could say such thing out loud. It was perhaps not wise to say it if there were any enemies or disloyal servants in the room, because such affection could be used against him, but Qian Long knew that with only Ling Fei and Xiao Yan Zi in the room, he could say it freely. Ling Fei would be the last person to try to take the throne away from Yong Qi, even if it was for Yong Yan's sake. With Yong Yan so young, he knew that even if Ling Fei had the ambitions to put her son on the throne, it would be a difficult feat. In any case, since Yong Qi was so fond of Yong Yan, the Fifteenth Prince would be much better off with Yong Qi on the throne anyway. In fact, the lady herself practically said it out loud, and _her_ admission made Yong Qi look even less comfortable.

Qian Long sighed and told him, "I am not expecting you to suddenly just embrace the idea now. Others might, but not you – but it is precisely because of that reason that I chose you. This is no small matter, if you wish to be prepared then perhaps you should start thinking about it now, Yong Qi."

At this, of course, Yong Qi couldn't do anything else but nod.

In anyone else, Qian Long would be alarmed at this obvious reluctance to accept the appointment, a reluctance that could be misunderstood as lack of confidence, which coud be disasterous in a leader. But he knew Yong Qi was aware of his abilities. Qian Long knew if he dropped him in the Emperor's seat now, to have to run this country, Yong Qi would not be hindered by self-doubt. No, Yong Qi's reluctance, Qian Long knew, grew from a more complex dilemma that had nothing to do with insecurity.

Probably half of it had to do with Xiao Yan Zi. Qian Long despaired at Yong Qi's love for Xiao Yan Zi sometimes, if it would get in the way of Yong Qi considering himself for the throne. It was strange that it was the very fact that Yong Qi was so insistent in pursuing Xiao Yan Zi that convinced Qian Long that his son had the determination and steadfastness that was needed in a ruler. But then again, it was those emotions that could be his very undoing. Qian Long knew if it was a choice between the _throne_ and Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi would choose Xiao Yan Zi in a heartbeat. Ever since he realised that, it had weighed heavy on Qian Long's mind, and he could only hope to Heaven that Yong Qi would never be put in a position to choose between his _country_ and Xiao Yan Zi. Because then, Qian Long was not sure his son would have enough strength to make the right choice.

The other half of the problem was to do with Yong Qi's modesty with regards to the throne, which again, Qian Long found very irritating. Yong Qi could be full of pride, but of all the things for him to refuse to see and take pride in, he had to choose his chances at the throne to be humble about.

Yong Qi didn't actively seek the throne like his brothers, but that didn't mean that he had the liberty to refuse it, either. Qian Long knew Yong Qi knew this, even if he might not like it. Qian Long also knew what it was like to be born a prince, to not know whether oneself, or which of one's brother, would end up with the throne. It was precisely that uncertainty, the competition involved because of that uncertainty that made Yong Qi - noble, selfless Yong Qi - so reluctant to consider himself for it.

But even that aside, Qian Long knew that at twenty-two, Yong Qi was still too young and too trusting of Qian Long's apparent good health to seriously consider it. No, the young didn't feel age like they should, they want to bother themselves with the truth of how rapidly health can decline. They didn't realise that no matter how healthy he may seem now, Qian Long knew that so many things could happen in a year or two - like this fire - anything could happen to take his life. Perhaps it would not have been good to just spring the idea on his son. After all, running a country can be a heavy burden that at times outweighed the pride and honour. And later when Yong Qi was on the throne, Qian Long would certainly not be there to guide him anymore. Perhaps it is wise that he should start now, to prepare Yong Qi for it.

With that in mind, he turned back to his son and said, "This is not something I intend to discuss in-depth now, Lao Fo Ye will be here soon. But think about it, Yong Qi, I will not let the subject go with you yet."


	21. Gold

**XX. Gold**

* * *

_Our favourite prince contemplates his princesses, because the author is rewatching HZGGII for the first time in years. :P _

* * *

(1)

Now that he had met her, the reasonable part of him knew Er Tai had been right (as he usually was), he was being grossly unfair. It was Zi Wei who was really his sister; there was no denying the regal air about her, even in her simple clothes and devoid of jewels. He really should be on Zi Wei's side, not begging her (Begging! He was a prince, for Heaven's sake!) to save the life of some girl who didn't realise that lying to the Emperor and pretending to be a princess was a crime. Then again, _to be fair_, it was his stray arrow that put her in a state of delirium so serious that she couldn't think straight. Still, shouldn't she have more _sense_?

Apparently not.

Yet the other, unreasonable part of him still asked, how many sisters like Zi Wei did he have? Near a dozen, not to mention cousins and aunts and sundry forms of female relatives. What was one more or less? Why was it his job to care about a half-sister he had only just met for the first time in his life and by all accounts, whose very existence in the world was a proof of how his father had betrayed his mother just months after his birth?

On the other hand, how many girls like _Xiao Yan Zi_ did he know? Before meeting Xiao Yan Zi, watching the way she slurped her tea, demanded for wine, and managed to pack the most taboo word a dozen times over into the conversation, he didn't even think a girl like that was _possible_. She somehow managed to make all those unladylike acts look completely natural and not something that would make one feel embarrassed at witnessing. It helped, he supposed, that she was rather pretty, which in his panic, he didn't notice in the hunting ground but definitely noticed then, in the Imperial Garden, even when she was supposed to be his sister.

Besides, the unreasonable part went on, Zi Wei had Er Kang to fight for her rights, if he was reading things correctly. Er Kang was being extraordinarily _emotional_ whenever he started talking about Zi Wei, to the point of being very un-Er-Kang-like. _Someone _had to be on Xiao Yan Zi's side. Why couldn't it be him?

* * *

(2)

_He was wrong_. Zi Wei was like none of his sisters (nor cousins nor aunts nor sundry forms of female relatives). In fact, Zi Wei was impossible in the way that Xiao Yan Zi was impossible: they were both too good to be true. She was sugar and Xiao Yan Zi was spice; it was a combination of them that made everything nice. Weren't those what all perfect girls were made of?

Still, it was much easier when he only had to care about Xiao Yan Zi. He had been perfectly happy to leave worrying about Zi Wei to Er Kang. Considering how she was born, Yong Qi would probably be content enough to _hate_ Zi Wei. However that seemed rather impossible now. He was beginning to understand how Er Kang had been reduced to such un-Er-Kang-like behaviour lately.

The truth was he wasn't used to thinking much about whether he liked his sisters or not. After all, he lived in a world where his sisters were kept at a polite, appropriate distance, so it wasn't as if he spent enough time with any of them to form an opinion either way. They tended to blend into perfect, beautiful, rose-tinted images that just blurred in his mind, so that when Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei burst into his life, the contrast they created rather disorientated him. Each of them was an enigma in their own way and he had never before realised until now how very _ complicated _girls were. He was, after all, a man and a prince! He wasn't supposed to feel in awe of a simple friendship between two simple girls from stations so far below his!

Now he found himself wanting a happy ending for both Xiao Yan Zi _and_ Zi Wei, even when the very idea seemed contradictory. He felt seflish and it was probably true: he wanted Zi Wei as his sister and he wanted Xiao Yan Zi too...as...something. He wouldn't allow himself to contemplate _what_ just yet! He just knew that he needed time, forever, or even longer, if possible, to explore the depth of mystery that was Huan Zhu Ge Ge.

So when Er Kang came up with the plan to take Zi Wei into the palace, he knew Er Kang was more or less suggesting they all jumped off a cliff together. Despite this Yong Qi didn't give himself time to think of the kind of logic which would dismiss the plan as insane, fool-hardy and life-threatening. He jumped.

* * *

(3)

A love letter. Of all the alibi to come up with, Er Kang came up with _ a love letter_. Yong Qi wished the floor to open up the swallow him whole, rather than have to admit to his grandmother, quite untruthfully, that he had written a love letter to Xiao Yan Zi. But the floor stayed stubbornly and firmly intact, so Yong Qi had no choice but to say the fateful words. Yes, he had written Xiao Yan Zi a love letter, which was why she had attempted first to burn it then ate it to prevent Lao Fo Ye from reading it.

_A love letter!_ Of all earthly things! Yong Qi had never written a love letter in his life and probably never would, and certainly not to Xiao Yan Zi! Any one who knew them would probably see this! Even in his most desperate of days, he would never consider that a love poem would ever help Xiao Yan Zi learn poetry any faster. If Er Kang was so keen on that alibi, why couldn't he had admitted that _he _had written a love letter to Zi Wei? After all, who gave him the right to put Yong Qi, his superior, in such an embarrassing situation?

Then again, if Yong Qi thought having to admit to his grandmother and the Empress that he had written the nonexistent love letter was pure agony, he was proven woefully wrong the next morning, when Xiao Yan Zi attempted to recite the said letter.

Yong Qi thought if he _ever, **ever**, _came up with such atrocities that only Xiao Yan Zi could call poetry, his father would have skinned him alive. _He _would like to skin Er Kang alive after this, for surely Er Kang must realise that with such an excuse, Xiao Yan Zi would be called upon to recite the poem. What on earth made Er Kang think putting Xiao Yan Zi and poetry together was a good idea, let alone a _ love poem_? If Xiao Yan Zi couldn't even keep relatively simple poems like Li Bai's drinking poem straight, was it any surprise that she messed up the abstract concepts of clay lovers or delivering messages through handkerchiefs?

(Apparently it might had well been Er Kang or Zi Wei, or anyone else_ but Yong Qi _who wrote that love letter to Xiao Yan Zi, as after Xiao Yan Zi recited the poem, you could have held a knife to Yong Qi's neck and he wouldn't have been able to tell you what "Vertical is death, horizontal is also death" meant!)

* * *

(4)

When Yong Qi reached the Imperial Medicine Room and informed Hu Tai yi that he was needed at Shu Fang Zhai, he received a rather shocked stare in return. Of course it wasn't unusual that a physician was needed at Shu Fang Zhai; the two princesses who lived there needed the physician often enough. Yong Qi supposed it was the fact that he had come himself to inform Hu Tai yi of this. It usually didn't take a prince to do the menial task of summoning a physician. Yong Qi knew Huang Ah Ma didn't even mean that he _personally _had to go when he gave the order to summon the physician. Yong Qi just rushed out of Shu Fang Zhai without a thought; probably it was because he was afraid of Xiao Yan Zi stopping him again.

"It must have been something extremely serious for Wu Ah Ge to come personally like this," Hu Tai yi said as he threw his things together and rushed with Yong Qi out the door towards Shu Fang Zhai.

"It is serious but not life threatening, I hope," Yong Qi said. "Huan Zhu Ge Ge has just been attacked by a horde of bees."

"Bees?" That was all that Hu Tai yi asked and as Yong Qi nodded the affirmative, the man didn't make any further enquiries. The prince supposed that during his whole career, the physicians must have dealt with rather strange illnesses and got into a habit of not asking _how_ the illness was achieved unless it was crucial to the treatment. After all, as this latest incident of Huan Zhu Ge Ge has shown, perhap sometimes knowing the origin of the illness may just be too much information that wouldn't help anyone. So Yong Qi was glad he could spare Xiao Yan Zi at least the embarrassment in front of Hu Tai yi by refraining from telling the story of how the Imperial Gardens suddenly got infested with bees. _Not_, of course, that Xiao Yan Zi would appreciate the effort. After all, right now as far as _she _was concerned, his skin was to blame.

* * *

(5)

He didn't mean to lose his temper. He really didn't. (He never did when it came to Xiao Yan Zi.)

In retrospect, it wasn't like the Cai Lian affair. This time, he was wrong, from beginning to end. (Then wasn't everything clearer in retrospect?)

He let his fears run away with him and lost his head totally. He should have known from the beginning that it wasn't possible to turn Xiao Yan Zi into the kind of princess that his grandmother wanted. More importantly, he should have recognised that he had truly hurt her feelings when Xiao Yan Zi, normally so strong and proud, showed how very hurt and vulnerable she was.

_"Why do you always make me remember all the things I can't remember? I really can't remember them, don't you understand? If you want me to become someone who can talk in verse, then what do you even want me for?" _

He should have understood then that those weren't tears of rage, of a childish temper, but of a broken heart. He had struck the lowest blow possible. It wasn't his grandmother's demands that was hurting her, it was him, and the fact that he was even contemplating giving into those demands.

But he hadn't thought that she would really leave. Ultimately he had misjudged how very hurt she was - it was a crime that he was capable of such misjudgement, but there it was, he could not deny his guilt anymore. When he stormed out of Shu Fang Zhai, he knew she would never be the one to come running to him to make up and it would be him who apologised first. But he had indulged in his pride and told himself he deserved a day of wallowing in his self-righteous anger. Every part of him knew he would have to shimmer down eventually and apologise to her, so he allowed himself that luxury. He just didn't think that she wouldn't give him that time...


	22. Mystery

**XXI. Mystery**

* * *

_As Yong Qi is made Rong Qin Wang, he is given his own residence and there Xiao Yan Zi finds a rather interesting artifact. _

_A/N: This may or may not make sense until the author's note at the end if you don't recognise the crossover, but I promise it's not another Twilight crack!fic crossover! This one is actually a legitimate crossover! _

* * *

"What on earth does Huang Ah Ma mean by giving you the old residence of Lian Qin Wang?" The tone of disbelief and incredulity was clearly emphasised in both Er Kang's tone and face as he spoke to Yong Qi when they were leaving the morning court.

Yong Qi, however, was unperturbed. "He wants to give me my own place to live outside the palace, I'm sure."

"Yes, but the old Lian Wang Fu? What is he trying to say?"

Yong Qi laughed slightly at what, in his opinion, was his friend's overreaction to a very simple act. "Don't you think you're being melodramatic?"

Er Kang had stopped in his track and turned to face the prince. "Yong Qi," he said grimly, "this is the prince who was stripped of all his titles, expelled from the clan and died in prison, not to mention - "

"So what's your point? That his ghost is floating around what is now my Rong Wang Fu? Even if there is a ghost, I don't think he has anything against this great-nephew."

"Well, I can't admit to being _that_ superstitious, but speaking in terms of significance, it's not the most auspicious location, is it? It's not as if Huang Ah Ma doesn't have any other place to give you."

"Actually, it is a rather convenient location, directly on the way to both your place and the palace. Come on, Er Kang, if I'm not bothered by it, why should you be? Anyway, it's not as if I could say to Huang Ah Ma, no I don't want the house that once belonged to your uncle who was all but killed by your father, please give me another."

Er Kang simply gave Yong Qi a look that said plainly, _It's your funeral_, and walked on. Yong Qi chuckled lightly to himself before hastening his own pace to catch up.

* * *

"So tell me, what's so horrible about this place again, that had Er Kang going ballistic?" Xiao Yan Zi asked as she surveyed her new rooms from the entrance. She had moved houses many times in her day, and though before she entered the palace, she never owned many things, but this move was by far the less stressful of all moves. It wasn't as if she had to do anything except get onto a carriage and be carried here.

"The previous owner had a rather horrific ending," Yong Qi said. "Er Kang apparently thinks by putting me here, Huang Ah Ma is wishing the same fate on me or something. If that was the case he wouldn't have bothered giving me this title in the first place."

"Well, I don't care what happened the last owner of this place, I'm just glad I won't have to see Zhi Hua on a regularly basis now!"

* * *

Xiao Yan Zi had never got used to being bored, though she had been bored for years now. Marriage had excitements in its own ways but in so many other ways it was dead boring, especially when her husband would spend most of the morning in the palace or else having to endure visits from ministers. His increasing responsibilities only left her gasping for something to do. The baby still thought it was better to sleep the whole day and get up at night, which did Xiao Yan Zi little favour. She didn't want to cause more stress for the already sleep-deprived nurse with a sleep-deprived baby. She almost tried picking an argument with Zhi Hua for something to do, but only at the last minute thought better of it. It wasn't worth the headache it would give Yong Qi later. She was freer to go see Zi Wei now, but what would they do?

She gave a heavy sigh and took out the flute, which her brother had left with her before he and Qing Er left for Dali, to try to practice a tune, but soon she had lost interest. What she really wanted right now was to practice her sword but it was no fun doing it alone. As Xiao Yan Zi stared off into space, the flute fell from her slack fingers, clattered to the floor before rolling beneath the bed.

Grumbling to herself, she dropped down to her knees to peer beneath the bed. If there were any servants in the room now she would never be allowed to do this but it was liberating to actually do some simple tasks to herself. It only seemed that the more prestigious Yong Qi's title got (and hers by association), the less she was allowed to do. How was that fair?

The flute had rolled deep across the width of the bed and only stopped as it reached the wall. She groaned to herself in frustration but didn't call for the eunuchs to help her. Taking a deep breath, Xiao Yan Zi flattened herself as much as possible and crawled into the narrow space between the bed and the floor, which was a difficult thing to do, considering her headdress kept getting in the way. However, she did eventually manage to pluck the flute from its resting place in the corner. As she crawled out, some tiles under her felt loose and wobbly. So the house was old, but surely it wasn't to the point of being in disrepair that the tiles were falling apart? With this thought to herself, Xiao Yan Zi placed the flute on the bed, making sure it had no chance of rolling off again, before dropping down again to inspect the loose tiles.

She found she could lift a couple of tiles right off the dirt mortar and it was clear what made them wobble earlier. Underneath was a bundle wrapped in a piece of silk cloth.

Finally extracting herself from the bottom of the bed with great difficulty, Xiao Yan Zi sat back on the bed and unwrapped the package. Inside was a bunch of clumsily sewn together pages of paper, something that could be called a book, she supposed. It was hard to tell how long the book has been lying there under the bed. Yong Qi did finally end up telling her about the tragic fate of Lian Qin Wang, and as far as she knew, no one had occupied this house since the unlucky prince left it. So the book might have been here for decades...It was amazing how it was not eaten to shreds by moths, rats or insects. The only damage the book seemed to suffer was the naturally yellowing of the paper with age.

She turned the book over several times in her hand. On the cover, there were only five characters, written in handwriting only slightly better looking than her own: Ma Er Tai Ruo Xi. It was a Manchurian name. Well, it wasn't surprising, considering this was a Manchurian household. Maybe the person who owned this book was a concubine or daughter of Lian Qin Wang - a very _young _daughter, with such bad penmanship.

But no. Her name was _Ma Er Tai_ Ruo Xi.

A wife or concubine then.

She flipped the cover open to find it was some kind of diary or record, judging by the date on the very first line of the first page. It was dated thus: _seventeenth day, eighth month, forty-third year Kang Xi reign, or sometime in the early seventeen-hundreds. _

_What on earth was _sometime in the early seventeen-hundreds_?_

What followed the confusing date didn't make much more sense either. It wasn't the content conveyed that was nonsensical, it was the fact that Xiao Yan Zi recognised only a handful of the words written on there, while the others were either used completely wrong or weren't words at all. Xiao Yan Zi was sure her reading vocabulary wasn't that bad anymore that she could barely read a page of apparently normal writing, especially judging from the calligraphy, the writer was no scholar.

Yet the fact remained that she could only read part of what was on the page.

_I have been here for ten days..._something something...something about the Eighth Prince, something about an older sister...

_It doesn't make sense!_

Xiao Yan Zi had no idea why she continued to try and read a book she couldn't read and then proceeded to get frustrated about it! What was wrong with her? Had boredom pushed her to _this?_ After all, what did she know about this Ma Er Tai Ruo Xi who lived something like 60, 70 years ago? Whatever confusing language this girl was using, she apparently cared enough to write a _book_ and people who wrote books probably had little in common with Xiao Yan Zi.

Xiao Yan Zi snapped the book shut in frustration, looked up and was immediately startled to see Yong Qi standing before her, looking at her with wide, astonished eyes. She - Xiao Yan Zi! - had been so absorbed in a _book_ to even notice that he was home!

"When did you get back? I didn't hear you come in."

"Just now," Yong Qi said, still looking at her oddly and sounding uncertain. "Xiao Yan Zi?"

"What?"

"Why are you covered in dust?"

"What? Oh!" she gasped, rushing to look at the mirror. Her play time under the bed had indeed, left her face streaked with dust and her clothes look like she'd just rolled on the ground in them (which, she did). Ming Yue and Cai Xia would probably die with shame if anyone else saw her like this. Xiao Yan Zi was not vain by any stretch of imagination, but she would probably die too, if Zhi Hua or her servants saw her like this.

She looked up and Yong Qi was still looking at her with that curious blank expression.

"I dropped my flute and it rolled under the bed and - " she started defensively.

"Ah!"

"Don't lecture me about proper appearance and all that!"

He gave a soft half-smile. "I wasn't going to." He stepped closer to her and brushed some dust from her cheek, though she knew it probably made little difference. "Really, Xiao Yan Zi, if I wanted to see a wife who would be predictably well-dressed and impeccable, I would have gone to see Zhi Hua."

She smiled back, but then immediately put the book she was still holding in her hands in his. "Here, I found this under the bed. See if you can make head or tail of it because I couldn't. I need to go have a bath."

* * *

"What ever language this girl thinks she was writing in, it sure isn't Chinese," Yong Qi said when Xiao Yan Zi returned. "At first I thought she just had a really weird cursive hand but that's not it. Some of it is readable, yes, but some characters just can't possibly exist."

"Oh, that's good. So I'm not the only one who can't read it. Do you know who she was?"

"No."

"But she lived here, so she must have had something to do with Lian Qin Wang?"

"Maybe, but it could be anyone, Xiao Yan Zi, a guest or a concubine. Even if it was a concubine, memorising names of concubines of deceased far relatives I've never met is not exactly a priority in my life, even if he was a notorious figure in history."

Yong Qi did not sound even slightly curious about this girl, possibly because he had concluded that she made up her own language. If this was the case, she became even more a source of curiosity for Xiao  
Yan Zi, so she continued her questions.

"Well, we know her name, is there a Ma Er Tai clan around?"

"Yes, they're a family with strong tradition in the army. Though knowing the clan still exists wouldn't help you much. This was undoubtedly a girl and if you go ask someone whether their family ever bore a girl name Ma Er Tai Ruo Xi, you'd get a lot of blank looks."

"But her birth would still be recorded or something, right?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.

"Possibly, but only in the records of the specific branch of that clan. It may be that she married someone important and would be recorded somewhere more prominent but then she would only be _Ma Er Tai shi_ and searching would be like looking for a needle in a haystack."

She gave a sigh, then said mournfully. "It's such a pity."

"Why? You don't know anything about this girl, you can't even read what she wrote, she lived years ago, I doubt she witnessed any life-changing, earth-shattering event to alter history - "

"How do you know not?" Xiao Yan interrupted. "She lived in Lian Qin Wang's household just before the fall of Kang Xi's crown prince, that's got to be a place to see lots of things that were earth-shattering. Maybe she _did_ and that's why she had to write it down in codes."

Yong Qi laughed. "Actually that's not a bad hypothesis. But it's still a guess. What do you want to do? Randomly knock on the doors of the Ma Er Tai clan to ask about her? As I said, they might not be able to help you."

"Not exactly," she said slowly. "I'm just curious about her, since she went through enough trouble to write all this, whatever it is, and hid it."

"You're interested in a book," Yong Qi said, shaking his head. "The age of miracles is not yet over, it seems."

"Oh, be quiet!"

After a moment, Yong Qi said, as if just remembering. "Actually I did skim through the entire thing and she does start to make more sense later on. As in, her writing becomes more understandable. But then she keeps going on about the Eighth Prince and her sister, Ruo Lan, who I think was probably his wife or concubine. Actually she rambles a lot about the Eighth Prince and his fate, it's really creepy. It was almost as if she knew what would happen to him later, but clearly she was writing from the time of Kang Xi, and she kept referring to things that would happen in the time of Yong Zheng!"

Xiao Yan Zi exclaimed loudly. "And you didn't think to say this at the beginning? How could you ignore something like _that_?"

"You distracted me with your weird sudden curiosity for a book!"

"Yeah but she predicts the future, Yong Qi! How could that be eclipsed by _anything_?".

"I don't think it's so much that she predicts it," Yong Qi said. "It's like she _knows_. She always writes it like it was a fact!"

Xiao Yan Zi gaped at this astonishing discovery and wondered how Yong Qi could seem so completely blasé about something so incredible! It wasn't possible, was it? What power did this girl have to know the future?

"Where does she start to make sense?"

"It's gradual...some of the final pages still have parts that don't mean anything, but there are things that can be pieced together."

"Let me see!"

With that, Xiao Yan Zi snatched the book from Yong Qi and proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon navigating her way through the mysterious language-that-was-Chinese-but-wasn't, much to Yong Qi's combined amusement, confusion and slight concern.

* * *

The combined efforts of Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi, Zi Wei and Er Kang still didn't manage to figure out the mystery that was Ma Er Tai Ruo Xi. All three of them were astonished at the length to which Xiao Yan Zi was willing to go to find this Ruo Xi, but despite her best efforts, not much showed up.

Predictably, records of Kang Xi's Eighth Prince, Yin Si's household only noted a Ma Er Tai woman as the prince's Ce Fu Jin, though it wasn't clear whether this was Ruo Xi, or the sister she referred to. Yong Qi even found a way (on Xiao Yan Zi's insistence) to look into the Ma Er Tai clan records around that time and only found records of a Ruo Xi who would have been thirteen years old on the forty-third year of Kang Xi reign. Further digging found her in the list of palace maids who served tea to Kang Xi, and later to Yong Zheng as well. All in all, she seemed a rather dull, typical Manchurian girl.

Of course, none of them thought it was worthwhile to ask Qian Long on the matter.

In the end, Xiao Yan Zi did have to give up on the book as reading it only raised more questions and she eventually put it back to its place under the bed. But when she was sufficiently bored (which was often), she would daydream about a mysterious girl, Ma Er Tai Ruo Xi, who could see the future.

* * *

**_Seventeenth day, eighth month, forty-third year Kang Xi reign, or sometime in the early seventeen-hundreds_**

_I have been here for ten days, but it seems like ten centuries. Here, of course, is the residence of the Eighth Prince Yun Si, now Eighth Bei Le. He is still Yin Si now, of course, since Yong Zheng is not yet on the throne, and he will later be Lian Qin Wang. He is married to my "sister", Ma Er Tai Ruo Lan. And I am apparently Ma Er Tai Ruo Xi._

_I don't know what happened to my body, but if I have somehow died in 2005 and have traveled through time and space to become Ma Er Tai Ruo Xi, then for my own sanity I have to keep this diary. If for nothing then it will at least keep track of who I am and what I should know to survive in this world._

_Boy, movies and TV series definitely didn't prepare me for this. University like hell didn't! It doesn't help that I am semi-illiterate here in this world of traditional characters. Well, at least people here can't read much simplified characters either so this diary will be safe. But I will need to learn to write and read traditional characters if I am to survive here for however long it is that I must be here...Let it not be long. I already cannot stand it!_

_Where can I get a ball-point pen in this place? Calligraphy - it's supposed to be so elegant and beautiful, but no one ever says how messy it is! _

_I'm going to die here, if not from saying or doing something wrong, then from the heat of these dumpling wrapper clothes, or maybe just from boredom..._

...

* * *

_A/N: The crossover is with Bu Bu Jing Xin (_步步惊心_) with which right now I am fairly obssessed. It is an internet novel, adapted into a series, which is now in post-production. It's about a girl from 2005 who time travels back into the Qing dynasty, into the body of Ma Er Tai Ruo Xi, falls in love with the Eighth Prince and the Fourth Prince and has to watch the tragedy of the nine princes' war for throne unfold around her. _

_I love the portrayal of love in this story - it's selfish, it's level-headed, it's ultimately un-Qiong Yao. Ruo Xi loves the Eighth Prince, but knowing how he will die in disgrace, and not wanting to share him with her sister, she refuses him - this is a very modern take on love. If it doesn't have a future, why bother? She approaches the Fourth Prince at first because she knows he will become Yong Zheng, so who better to lean on than the one who will survive? But then she falls in love with him because he loves her, but loves her in a way that he doesn't promise her anything that he can't fulfill. He won't sacrifice his country or his throne for her, he can only give her his heart. From a man like Yong Zheng, that's a strangely moving message. _

_Maybe it's just that after three trailers cheesy OMG!Romance from NHZGG, I needed a healthy dose of logic and rationality to balance out the saccharine taste. (I'm just disappointed that the trailers seem to be pushing the father-daughter and sister plots out of the way to make way for the romance. I have yet to see New XYZ and New ZW being really sisterly.) _

_I haven't crushed on male fictional characters like this in a long, long time but the entire male cast of Bu Bu Jing Xin is just...heavenly. I never actually thought I'd want to swoon over Yong Zheng, fictional or no. Frankly, looking at the cast (male and female) of Bu Bu Jing Xin and comparing them to NHZGG just make me weep for NHZGG. What depresses me even more now is that HunanTV has pushed back the air date for BBJX to air NHZGG earlier! Why? That means I'll have to wait even longer for my Vietsub version..._


	23. Secrets

**XXII. Secrets**

_Forgiveness is a virtue, but it's not something we're born with. _

* * *

The woman watched the young man leave until he was lost around the bend in the road. She knew he was rightfully furious at her, but she couldn't explain herself. He would never understand. She saw too clearly in him exactly what she had hoped Xiao Ci would never be - lonely, vengeful, tortured by hate.

That was why she left the baby there, in the abbey. She wanted to give the little girl a chance to grow up away from it all. It was better that she didn't know who she was, rather than know and grow up with her heart full of ideas of revenge. The little girl's wide, innocent eyes didn't deserve to cloud over in hatred.

Of course he didn't understand. Not yet.

So she didn't explain. She simply told him where she had left his sister, all those years ago. Hopefully she would still be there. Hopefully they would find each other, because they deserved to. And hopefully, after growing up in an abbey, indoctrinated with principles of forgiveness and the teachings of the Buddha, his sister would teach him to dispel the hatred in his heart.

* * *

He bid the abbess farewell in an absent-minded way, gripping his flute so hard that the hollow piece of bamboo for a moment stood in great danger of crushing in his hand. He only just managed to remember to loosen his grip.

His mind was full as he wandered down the mountain path. So the old nurse hadn't lied to him, though what she told him was hardly honourable. She had indeed left his sister - _his one-year-old baby sister_ - to the care of some nuns and went off on her own. Well, perhaps it was all the better that his sister didn't have to grow up in the care of such a woman.

The visit to the abbey had been most useful. He knew a lot more information now of his sister's whereabouts, but it didn't make him feel any better. If the abbess's memory served her well, if Xiao Ci was really that girl, then Xiao Jian now knew exactly where to find his sister, which left him better off than he was two hours ago. The journey to where his sister was, on the other hand, would probably be as hard to as climbing to Heaven.

_Huan Zhu Ge Ge._

_Ge Ge. _

Why on earth would his sister be_ Huan Zhu Ge Ge?_ Why would his little sister have anything to do with the killer? And why _Huan Zhu_? Return from where? The only time she was ever lost to the killer was when she escaped the death sentence that destroyed their entire family. She would hardly be a pearl when she returned then.

_Was this Heaven's idea of a joke? _

_Huan Zhu Ge Ge. _

The four words turned over in Xiao Jian's mind and taunted him as he made his way into the bustling centre of the city and lost himself in the crowd. The city was unusually busy; two prisoners were being paraded around the city and everyone was wild with the rumours that Huan Zhu Ge Ge had personally caught and brought these wrongdoers to justice. Xiao Jian immediately started to pay attention to the talks around him. How was it that a princess - _any_ princess - was able to get out of the palace in the first place, let alone stay out long enough to fight crime? Could this princess really be his sister? If she was, how strange she must be, because he had never heard of a girl as the people were describing, let alone a princess. How did such a girl catch the Emperor's eyes?

If Xiao Ci was really Huan Zhu Ge Ge, regardless of how she became that way, what was he to do? The abbess had said that Huan Zhu Ge Ge was the killer's adopted daughter, and had only been adopted since just over a year ago. So she didn't always see him as her father. That, at least, was a comfort. Still, how could she dive into the arms of the killer? Didn't she know? Oh Heaven, why didn't she know? She should have known, she should have known!

If he ever met her, would he be able to just tell her? And if he did, would her position make it easier for them to get revenge, or would she only be a boulder in his path?

Xiao Jian was far from deceiving himself. Revenge would never be easy to take, not when he was seeking revenge against the man with the most protection in the entire world. Even if he did manage it, there was no guarantee that he would make it out alive. Could he put Xiao Ci in the middle of all that, especially when she apparently enjoyed enough favours from the killer to be made his adopted daughter? It wasn't as if the killer was in the habit of making random girls his adopted daughters, was it?

* * *

It couldn't be _that _easy to find his sister, Xiao Jian told himself as he looked up at the sign on the building before him. He wasn't even looking for her when he was told that Huan Zhu Ge Ge was a frequent patron of this restaurant and inn, Hui Bin Lou. It mightn't even be true. Some street urchin had told him this piece of information and Xiao Jian wouldn't be surprised if the boy had been paid by the people who owned the restaurant to say that to everyone in hope of drawing in customers, especially now when the subject of gossip on everyone's lips was Huan Zhu Ge Ge and her arrest of the two criminals. After all, who could blame these merchants in the capital city to resort to some trickery to make their mark in the intense competition of this place?

What did it matter? He needed a place to stay and a place that apparently had a connection to his sister was as good as any, even if that connection might be purely imaginary.

He entered the busy restaurant and glanced around. There were all manners of guests in here, but perhaps the most conspicuous was a group at a table in the corner. There were eight of them in all, four men and four women in intense discussion (that composition was enough to make them stand out like a sore thumb). Particular, there were a few among them that were dressed extremely fine. Xiao Jian could tell from look that they wore probably the best silk in the country. This was no ordinary group of people.

_Perhaps the street urchin was saying some truth after all_.

Xiao Jian made his way deliberately to a table next to theirs and sat down, looking around for a waiter. A young woman stood up and approached him. She must be some sort of owner of the place, otherwise it was unlikely that a worker would be allowed to sit around drinking tea at such a busy hour.

"What can I get you, sir?"

"Get me a few dishes of food, whatever you have will do. And I'll have some warm wine."

"Yes, of course, right away. Are you just eating or will you want a room to stay as well?"

"You have rooms for rent?"

"That's right."

"Then get me a quiet room, somewhere clean."

"All right. Please wait a moment while I get your food."

That was all the extent of his exchange with the proprietress, but while this was going on, he had a chance to take a closer look at the group next to him. Some of them had their backs to him, but there were two that were directly in his line of vision - a young man and a young woman. She was whispering excitedly (which wasn't that much of a whisper and considering how close they were, Xiao Jian could hear every word) about his sword. The man next to her was quieter but his voice still carried, like it was used to being listened to. It wasn't the subject of their discussion that caught his attention, however. He knew his heirloom sword stood out wherever he went so wasn't surprised that people talked about it. What caught Xiao Jian's attention was the young woman's eyes.

She had the biggest eyes Xiao Jian had ever seen. They were round and wide, he could imagine them being almost catlike. The abbess had told him that his sister's most distinguishing feature was her big eyes. Could this be her? _It was absurd_, he told himself. First of all, his sister couldn't be the _only _girl with big eyes around. He barely remembered his parents' faces or any of his relatives', so it was impossible to tell whether the girl resembled anyone in his family.

_But it could be her._ And if it _was _her, then Xiao Jian's next question had to be what on earth was she doing sitting so close to that young man? Xiao Jian was sure it wasn't just the short bench that made them sit so close. Her hair style told him she was still unmarried, so surely she didn't need to sit right next to that young man, especially when there were other females in their group that she could be next to?

_Don't be ridiculous_, he told himself. It didn't matter whether she was really Xiao Ci or not, she still didn't know him, so he could hardly jump in and defend her honour yet.

* * *

Xiao Jian knew they probably were aware that his poems had meant to draw attention. He had decided that it didn't matter whether the young woman was Xiao Ci or not, the group were interesting looking enough to him to want to know them. They obviously wanted to know him too, considering they were all but staring at him. They probably meant to be furtive, but, well, they didn't succeed. He just didn't expect the meeting to be quite so...interesting.

It was clear that she had never been properly trained. His practiced eyes saw the clumsy way she held the sword and her undisciplined stabs. He could easily knock it out of her hand, but he wasn't about to fight a girl, especially one who could be his sister. Besides, he wanted to see what these people would do if he pretended to put himself at her mercy. Just as he had hoped, soon, two of them stepped in to save him from the girl.

These two were obviously highly trained in martial arts and managed to get the sword from her - Xiao Yan Zi, as he would learn now - soon enough. The man who was sitting next to her in the restaurant took the job of restraining her from causing Xiao Jian more bodily harm. Xiao Jian had to push back a twinge of annoyance at how he was too casually putting his arms around her to calm her antics and the way his hand stayed on her shoulder even after she had stopped attempting to chop Xiao Jian's head off with his own sword. It didn't matter whether she was his sister or not, he told himself, not quite convincingly. It wasn't right for a man and a woman to be so close. Hadn't they ever heard of _nan nu shou shou bu qin_?

Inside the restaurant, he was introduced to Liu Qing and Liu Hong, the brother and sister who, as he had guessed earlier, owned the inn. To say that Xiao Yan Zi continued to draw his interest was an understatement. She all but admitted that she was Huan Zhu Ge Ge, though he was sure they thought he didn't catch the slip. She had such an odd name and didn't know her surname. It was most puzzling, because he was sure the abbess told him they had always called her Xiao Ci and told her what her surname was. Then by the abbess's account, she was quite young when she disappeared from the abbey, could it be that she forgot?

Or was everything just a bizarre coincidence?

* * *

If Qian Long was the tiger who killed Xiao Jian's entire family, then this Ai Qi, or rather, Yong Qi, was the tiger's cub though he didn't look remotely threatening. Even though Xiao Jian had been almost sure that Xiao Yan Zi was indeed Huan Zhu Ge Ge in their last meeting, he wouldn't have guessed that Yong Qi was a prince. Yong Qi stood out in the crowd in the way that Er Kang also stood out - dignified, noble and elevated - but it was impossible to just tell that he was the son of the man Xiao Jian was itching to kill. He didn't have the haughty airs that Xiao Jian expected any son of Qian Long to carry and certainly he didn't look like the devil's child. So why was he?

The only concern he had the last time was that Yong Qi was too comfortable around Xiao Yan Zi and that she seemed to take the closeness for granted. This concern increased tenfold as he learnt who Yong Qi was. She was his sister - he was almost sure of it now! - but how could she even bear to be in the company of Qian Long's son, let alone always keeping almost indecently close to him? Their interactions spoke of a relationship beyond that between a pair of adopted siblings though it was clear that they were not married. It was impossible that they could be married, at any rate. Xiao Jian was sure, however much Qian Long favoured Xiao Yan Zi in order to make her his adopted daughter, he couldn't be so fond as to let a girl like Xiao Yan Zi marry his son. So what was Yong Qi to her that she would allow such liberties? She didn't seem like the kind to allow even a prince to take advantage of her.

The answer refused to come, no matter how closely he watched them. It was clear that Yong Qi was very protective of Xiao Yan Zi and Xiao Jian sometimes only barely restrained himself from ripping him limb from limb at the idea of Qian Long's son being his sister's protection. The idea was laughable; after all it was due to Yong Qi's father that Xiao Yan Zi didn't have a father and brother to protect her. It would be easy enough to do something to really harm Yong Qi; they were all off their guards here at Hui Bin Lou, relaxed to almost an absurd degree, not knowing that the man who sat smiling across from them was contemplating a kill.

* * *

Ever since his adopted father told him of how his family really died, revenge had been his second most important purpose, after finding his sister. It all was supposed to lead to this, a face-to-face meeting where he would stare down the man who took away the lives of his entire family.

But it wasn't supposed to be like this.

Faced with Qian Long, Xiao Jian should spring to action, because time would be precious. Faced with Qian Long, Xiao Jian should never hesitate. Faced with Qian Long, Xiao Jian should never think about what anyone else was thinking or doing, his purpose would be the only reason to act.

That was the plan.

Now, faced with Qian Long, Xiao Jian could do none of this.

He could only stare, unblinking, at Qian Long, while hate burned in his veins. His nerves were on fire but he could do nothing but watch in twisted, bitter fascination as his sister danced around Qian Long, acting like this man hadn't made her the orphan that she was, that this man wasn't responsible for her probably miserable childhood, without family, without a home. He wanted to reach out and strangle the killer; it would be so easy, but he was not blinded enough by hatred to fool himself into believing that he would succeed. Er Kang and Yong Qi were right there; there was no doubt they would come to Qian Long's rescue. Besides, Xiao Jian didn't want to tempt fate, didn't want to know whether his sister would stand between him and Qian Long.

It felt like a betrayal, the way his sister obviously idolised Qian Long. It was subtle, perhaps even she was not aware of what shined in her eyes when she looked at him, but Xiao Jian saw it. The sinking feeling of defeat that filled his body now told him everything he needed to know. It didn't matter how long she had thought of Qian Long as her father, the feeling was there to stay.

He _couldn't_ act.

The rush of adrenaline from the mission and the mixed feelings upon meeting Qian Long was the only thing that helped Xiao Jian keep up the act for the next few hours. It was only until he collapsed onto his bed at Hui Bin Lou that he realised just how much the encounter had drained out of him.

He lay on the bed, staring at the canopy for a long time, contemplating the black farce that had forced its way into his life. Heaven had its way of planning things out to amuse, that was for sure. Xiao Jian felt now like a stone on the weiqi board, being moved about in a game that he couldn't see the whole of. He could only see the pieces next to him but didn't know where the board stretched to and what the player would do next. Was this a winning or losing game, he had no way of knowing.

Xiao Jian approached the table to the side of the room to pour himself a cup of tea, hoping it would calm him. The tea only reminded him of Xiao Yan Zi's earlier attempt to get Qian Long out of Bao Yue Lou. He hurriedly put the cup down before the porcelain was crushed in his hands. It was clear that the morning's mission was all part of a plan to cheat Qian Long of a concubine, so Xiao Jian was not prepared to see Xiao Yan Zi's genuine concern for Qian Long's feelings, despite of her plans to deceive him. It tossed all his carefully laid out plans into chaos.

His purpose had always been perfectly clear: kill Qian Long, get revenge. Ever since he set out from Dali, he always could see the road in front of him and where it would lead him. The road may be long and rocky but the goal was clear. He only hoped that he would encounter his sister, a companion and a partner on this road to that goal, on the way. Instead, his sister had blown into his life like a tempest, so that now everything in front of him was a misty curtain of uncertainty.

One thing remained clear: he couldn't possibly tell Xiao Ci who she was now. He had never met someone as cheerful and optimistic as Xiao Yan Zi and to tell her that she was Xiao Ci would only destroy all her happiness. Whatever Yong Qi was to her, she obviously liked it the way it was, and then there was her sisterhood with Zi Wei. No, Xiao Ci deserved her friends, even though they were chosen from the most inconvenient of places.

He couldn't let go of the thoughts of revenge, however. For his sister's happiness, he would not tell her who she was and how her parents died, but he couldn't forgive Qian Long either for making them both suffer for so many years. No, the thirst for revenge was only stronger now that he had looked the man in the face! He stood there, in his silk and brocade, surrounded by jewels and beautiful women, basking in Xiao Ci's devotion while their parents lay in the cold, damp ground, never knowing Xiao Ci, never seeing the woman she had grown to be! The injustice of it choked Xiao Jian and he almost bit his tongue stopping himself from crying out loud.

No, he could not let Qian Long get away with it! He could not! Now that he had the contact with Er Kang and Yong Qi, meeting Qian Long again would only be a matter of time. He would achieve his goal somehow. Now that his chance of succeeding was that much higher, it was all the more reason for not acknowledging his sister. He would probably die in the process of taking revenge - this was a truth he had never deceived himself on - so it was better for her to not know he was her brother. She probably would hate him for killing her Huang Ah Ma, and if she ever felt any friendship for him, perhaps she would be disappointed, but all that would be better than putting her through the pain of losing family. It would hurt less, too, if she could hate him.


	24. Conceal

**XXIII. Conceal**

* * *

_In which birthmarks are discovered, and the author tries to keep the chapter rated PG-13. _

* * *

"Have you really never seen it?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.

"Seen what?"

"The _birthmark," _she whispered, glancing around as if she expected someone to jump out from a corner.

Yong Qi laughed, which only managed to make her stomp her foot and pout. "It's not funny!" she said, starting to blush.

"Come on, Xiao Yan Zi, you must admit that it is," he said.

"No it's not," she whined.

Still chuckling, Yong Qi said, "To answer your question, as I said, no, I can't say I've noticed."

"How could you have never noticed?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, looking rather offended.

"Well, other things tend to distract me! Like - "

"All right, all right," she said, blushing. "So you really didn't say that just so you'd have an excuse to look?"

He smiled suggestively and pulled her close, whispering in her ear, "I hope, Xiao Yan Zi, that I will never have to need an _excuse_ to look."

"No, stop! You're not going to _seduce_ me into letting you check..."

"Maybe..." he murmured through kisses that she was trying to will herself into resisting but failing miserably, "I just want to seduce you, end of story."

...

"Well, just to put your mind at ease, it's there," Yong Qi said later, grinning at her like the cat that got the canary.

"What is?" Xiao Yan Zi murmured dreamily.

"The _birthmark_."

"What?"

She was suddenly a lot more alert now and attempted to twist her body around to look for it but Yong Qi grasped her shoulder and turned her to face him, pulling her into his arms.

"You won't be able to see it, but it's there."

Xiao Yan Zi tried to pull away from the way his lips were determined to distract her from further conversation, about birthmarks or anything else. "I can't believe you looked," she said, punching him not too lightly on the chest.

"You're not happy when I don't notice and you're not happy when I take the effort to notice," he said, shaking his head. "Make up your mind."

She simply pouted and gave him another punch.

"Besides, I don't remember you complaining," he grinned.

"You're not going to tell my brother, are you?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, looking horrified.

"I don't know, maybe I should," he replied with a mischevious glint in his eyes. "I know he said he didn't care either way, but I'm sure after knowing that there is a way to confirm whether you are his sister or not, he'd want the confirmation."

"Yong Qiiiiiiiiii!" she wailed. "Then he'd _know_."

"Know what?"

"Everything!"

Yong Qi laughed. "Xiao Yan Zi, I highly doubt that he doesn't know now already. Besides he should be glad for the confirmation."

"Yeah go tell him _how_ you confirmed it and see if he's glad," she grumbled.

"Besides, you're wrong, you know, about the fact that you don't have any birthmarks, even not counting this one."

"What do you mean?"

"You have a mole right here." He kissed the skin just behind her left earlobe.

"Why are my birthmarks all in places I can't see? And why didn't Mother tell us about this one, wouldn't it have been so much easier to check than - "

"I think it's easy to overlook a mole behind the ear. The other one, on the other hand - well, it makes it fun to find them, right?"

"_Yong Qi_!"

* * *

_A/N: "Mother" here refers to Xiao Jian's adoptive mother in Dali, not their real mother, of course. If you didn't watch HZGGIII: there was a question of whether Xiao Yan Zi was really Xiao Ci; it turned out that Xiao Ci had a birthmark on her butt. Yong Qi was rather gleeful in confirming to Xiao Jian later that Xiao Yan Zi did indeed possess such birthmark and it's not hard to imagine_ how_ he found that out._ _Hence the vagueness of this chapter. I think you get the idea. I hope. Anyway. Moving on. _


	25. Letters

_A/N: This is what happens when you read a book called "Love Letters of Great Men and Women" - you get a sort of AU fanfic. For me this was an exercise in writing style so I got a little too caught up with the flowery words and only realised later that Xiao Yan Zi probably wouldn't be able to write so eloquently, but then my Xiao Yan Zi is always slightly, if not more than slightly, OOC anyway :P_

**XXIV. Letters**

* * *

_Selected correspondences from Beijing and the Chinese army in Yunnan. _

* * *

_From Xiao Yan Zi, the Fifth Princess Consort, Jing Yang Gong to Yong Qi, the Fifth Prince, in the Yunnan camp of the Imperial Chinese army, sent on fourteenth day of the seventh month of the thirty-second year of Emperor Qian Long_

Dearest,

Never ask me what I would not do for you, as I take up my pen now to write to you. You know how I dread the pen and paper, not for the trouble of actually doing but for the embarassment of what I produce. After all, everyone around me whenever they take up a pen produce such works of art, whereas I am only lucky enough to communicate my ideas. But dearest, you must know, despite whatever I may complain about, that it is not a chore to write to you. I cannot yet imagine how I will survive the days and weeks ahead, but perhaps if I would write you a little everyday, it might make up for not seeing you and speaking to you everyday.

You have been gone but one day but it feels like a thousand years already. My love, how will we ever survive this? I do not want you distracted in the battle field with thoughts of me but oh please tell me that you miss me just a little, because I feel my heart burn every second without you. I have only realised yesterday as I let go of your hand that I don't know the palace without you. I have never spent a day in the palace when I did not see you or know that you were just a short walk away. The palace is positively cold without the warmth of your presence. I pray that this war will be short, not only for your safety but also to have you hold me in your arms again.

I know it will be at least another month before you reach the camp in Yunnan and longer still until your first letter reach me and thereby I can send you my first reply, but I will write you just a little everyday, so that you will have the pleasure of a long letter when I can finally send it. How I long for news of you, dearest Yong Qi. But perhaps it is better still to know that you are still traveling and have not yet reached the front line; it is a comfort that these early days you are still safely tucked away in Chinese land, even if you are moving towards the danger with every moment, with each word that I put down now on the page.

Days are bearable, Yong Qi, because Zi Wei is there, or Ling Fei is there, for Nan Er occupies me with her never-ending questions, but the nights, oh the nights are long without you. You must think how silly I am and I will not care, but the truth is, before you, I have never minded an empty bed. I must have spoiled myself with your warmth and comfort every night that now I cannot sleep. It is not just for the lack of the pleasure when you make love to me, Yong Qi, so you can take that smirk off your face, but I miss the reassuring feeling of knowing that when I open my eyes, the first thing I see will be you. I catch myself trying to snuggle up to you but when startle because beside me is just air...

I do not know whether I should describe what I do in the days, because honestly the activities are not so different, just without you. Zi Wei is here more often which makes the day slightly less lonesome but I still catch myself hoping to see you round the corner or in the study. Nan Er misses you almost as much as I do and asks for you every morning and every night. Darling, when you get to writing to me, do include in some lines for her so that I might read it to her? She is already begging Zi Wei to teach her to write to you.

Zi Wei is a comfort, I don't know what I would ever do without her. It's hard to become really angry with anyone when Zi Wei is there, calm and soothing. Having her here is also a reminder that for her sake, and for yours and Nan Er's sake I cannot do anything rash, even when at times my heart scorches with pain and hatred when I think about... But the truth is I do love him so still, and there are still moments when it was like the old days when I could love him and idolise him in every way without guilt. Then other times I cannot help the memories and the knowledge flooding in... Hatred is an ugly word, Yong Qi, and I don't believe I have ever felt it towards anyone before, not even the Empress. So how...? I have promised myself I would not write to you of these unpleasant matter so I will not say anymore. I know I can tell you all and you alone would not blame me for feeling these things but I cannot bear the thought of you worrying for me when you should be concentrating on protecting yourself on the battlefield. My love, I will bear it, Zi Wei will keep me sane and Nan Er will keep me sensible, I hope.

I need to stop. I have to think about something else.

Forgive me for the above, sweetheart, I did promise myself but I was caught up in missing you and feeling sorry for myself. Do not worry about me, because that would only worry me more about you.

I shall tell you something that Nan Er did today. She climbed up a tree (please don't ask me how she managed to or where she learned to climb trees in the first place. Then again, she was only born a day before the start of the year of the Monkey so maybe there's some monkey traits in her yet); she told me later that she was trying to catch a squirrel. Whatever happened, she didn't get the squirrel but instead fell asleep. Yes, in a tree. There must be some monkey traits in her because no, she didn't fall out of the tree, which was actually the cause of all the kerfuffle after that. Nanny came running to me, almost hysterical, and said that Nan Er was missing, and she swore that they were just out in the garden playing and she turned around for a moment and by the time she turned back, Nan Er had disappeared. She looked everywhere, even had some of the eunuchs search in the pond (but didn't think to look up in a tree) but still could not find Nan Er. It wasn't nearly as funny then as when we found her, but we fairly tore the whole Jing Yang Gong gardens apart looking for Nan Er. After a while she just climbed down herself and wandered into the hall and asked why everyone was running around. She gave me quite a fright as she snuck up on me too. I was too relieved to scold her though perhaps I should have, considering she really could have fell. Still, considering I climbed a few trees in my time perhaps I wasn't the best person to discipline her for it. Our child is in danger of becoming very spoiled, Yong Qi, and you better come back soon to do your job of straightening her out.

Yong Qi, dearest, darling, my love. How happy I am and I will not wait a moment to write you of this. When I think that it might still be months until you receive this letter and learn the news, I wish that there are quicker ways to communicate. Oh but I have not told you of our happiness yet! Yong Qi, love, I am with child. I have been feeling off for a few days but I didn't dare think anything of it until Zi Wei insisted I see the physician today. Dearest, I am still in some higher realm of disbelief as I write this to you but it is true, the physician assured me it is true. We are going to have a child and I can only pray that you return soon to me to see this child born. I cannot bear the thought that you would not be able to see him - let us hope it is a him - from the very first moments. Yong Qi, how shall I bear this happiness without you? I feel quite seflish but I want you here with me, to hold me and tell me that you are as happy as I am. My love, it surely can't be legal to be this happy, but oh illegal or not, I am in heaven.

Nan Er too is rather pleased at the prospect of becoming a big sister but upon seeing everyone's happiness (well, almost everyone) she did ask me whether we were ever this excited about her. I fear my happiness will somehow make Nan Er feel underappreciated, love. How silly we were when expecting her, happy but almost taking the time for granted, seeing it as a given of marriage. I would do anything to have again the children we lost but those losses did teach me to properly marvel at this one now and I would not give up this one for the world. Sweetheart, how I wish to race to your side so that you would know of this happiness now. But you would scold me for ever thinking of getting on a horse at all in my condition so I shall think no more of it.

My love, I received your letter finally today. You have been very sly, sending it to Xue Shi Fu, and I'm not sure whether that's the best course as I could not help my happiness at receiving it so all your attempts at secrecy was all for nought anyway. Still the letter was for my eyes alone and that very nearly caused an argument in certain quarters but I am too happy at receiving your letter to take it to heart. Be assured though that I am perfectly fine. Zi Wei is quite as fussy as you no doubt would be about my health if you were here. Between your sister and Ling Fei, I am well taken care of so you must not worry. I am determined to keep happy and calm so that our baby will be able to grow into an equallly calm and happy child.

I cannot believe that my brother found his way to you. You do realise now it would just double my worry? I cannot bear the thoughts of losing either of you, Yong Qi, or Er Kang for that matter, so you must all keep safe. Qing Er was both glad and worried to receive Xiao Jian's letter. I know you did not mention it directly, but if my brother gives you a hard time about anything, you must remind him why you made those decisions and how they saved his life. You hardly need to dance around the matter with him, Yong Qi. I might have my bouts of unreasonableness sometimes, but in my heart I know it was love the drove you to do those things, and it was love for me, not for her.

Your letter is a great comfort to the long nights I spend alone but it does make me miss you even more than usual; I had not realised that was at all possible.

Love, I will end this letter here for now so it could be sent, so that you might receive our news as soon as possible. Know that I love you and miss you with every breath that I take, and I long to see you again. Stay safe for me, for our children. With all my love and well-wishes,

Your own Xiao Yan Zi

P.S. Nan Er wants to add something.

Ah Ma, Auntie has taught me to write you. I miss you, Er Niang misses you too. Come back soon. Your daughter, Zhuang Nan.

* * *

_From Zhi Hua, the Fifth Princess Consort, Jing Yang Gong, to Yong Qi, the Fifth Prince, in the Yunnan camp of the Imperial Chinese army, sent on __fourteenth _ day of the seventh month of the thirty-second year of Emperor Qian Long

Husband,

I am glad to hear that you have safely arrived in Yunnan and pray with all my might that this war would be short and you will return to me soon. I hope that the camp condition does not discomfort you overmuch, though it must not be what you are accustomed to. But still, as the Deputy-General, I trust your lodgings are adequate, even in a camp. You must let the General know if you are wanting anything, for after all, even beyond the military rank, you are still his Prince and I am sure he will meet your requests. I understand how your presence of the battle field can be motivation to the troops but you should take care, yourself, after all fighting is the job of soldiers, not of princes.

I suppose congratulations are in order for the good news that Jie jie has just received. I hope, for your sake, that all will be well, unlike previous times but you must admit, husband, that Jie jie's history is against her. How strange it is, that on the outside Jie jie seems so robust and yet in reality to have such a delicate constitution.

Things are well here, in the palace. I visit Lao Fo Ye daily and she has imparted to me such wisdom and experience that I can only hope to learn from one as emminent as her. I can only hope that one day I will be blessed enough to be in such position of respect such as hers. Of course, my duty is always to serve you but you, my husband, I know are destined for greatness and as such I will have the honour of reaping the courtesies of your position. I pray therefore that this wretched war will soon be over and you will return to your rightful place, here in the palace.

One concern Lao Fo Ye did express to me was how Nan Er is given too free a run and I am sorry to pain you, but as usual, Lao Fo Ye is right. Why, the other day she climbed up a tree, positively unladylike, and caused quite a panic though that was not the least of it. She did not think how such action had worried her elders but was quite delighted at it, and Jie jie did not think of discipline her at all. Lao Fo Ye after hearing this has asked me to do what Jie jie would not do and try to make a lady of her. I have right to, you know, she is your child and so very much my own as well. I do not wish to criticise Jie jie but you must agree that her upbringing gives her no point of reference to how to raise a child.

I hope you are keeping well and I pray daily for your safe return.

Your most obedient wife,

Zhi Hua

* * *

_From Yong Qi, the Fifth Prince, in the Yunnan camp of the Imperial Chinese army, to Xiao Yan Zi, the Fifth Princess Consort, Jing Yang Gong, written on the twelfth day of the sixth month of the thirty-second year of Emperor Qian Long_

My sweet,

We have only just arrived in Yunnan for a couple of days, and between all the rush of setting up camp and surveying our terrains and situation, I could not write you until now. It's only been a little over a month since I last saw you but it feels like a life time. Half the time we spent traveling to Yunnan was spent in discusisng war strategies but even an army cannot discuss strategies for the whole day, especially when one has not even reached the battlefield yet. The rest of my time was spent predictably thinking of you, worrying about you, hoping that you are safe and happy. I can only hope that Nan Er and Zi Wei will give you comfort where others in the family will not for I know it can hardly be easy for you at home.

You would not believe who we met here in Yunnan though, Xiao Yan Zi. On the second day that we set up camp here, Er Kang and I were informed by a soldier that a new recruit, a Bai Yi man, wanted to see us. When we saw him, it was your brother! He must had learnt that we were a part of the army and had come to volunteer to help us. He was posing as a Bai Yi man and claims to have knowledge of the terrains that could help us in the war. It was a little difficult convincing my uncle that he was trustworthy, especially when we could hardly tell him that we knew each other but nonetheless he is going to stay on as our advisor.

It was good to be reunited with your brother again, Xiao Yan Zi, even though we had issues to sort out first. He always had his reasons to be wary around me, I think, and now I understand those reasons more. It's strange, Xiao Yan Zi, that ultimately it is in loving you that managed to make the two of us put aside our differences.

I attach with this letter his letters for you and Qing Er. I hope you manage to find a discrete way to deliver it to Qing Er and per usual, burn them afterwards otherwise I don't think you'll enjoy eating more paper.

Dear heart, now that all the reporting and news is over, I must say that missing you is unlike anything I have ever had to feel before. My life had been too good, too fulfilling that never had I wanted anyone or anything as much as I want to be by your side right now but I cannot have it. I miss you. I miss hearing your voice. I miss your touch and your taste. I miss the way you rest your head on my chest. I miss the weight of you in my arms. I miss the softness in your eyes when you look at me. I miss the way your body fits perfectly around mine when you snuggle up to me in bed. I miss the softness of your lips as I give you a million little kisses. I miss the sound of your breath in my ear. I miss watching you sleep. I miss the feel of your fingers tangled in mine. I miss everything about you.

I miss you and I miss Nan Er desperately. You will tell her that Ah Ma loves her very much, won't you, my love? When I think of how big and much more grown up she will be when I see her again, my heart aches. I don't want to miss a single day of her growing up, Xiao Yan Zi, but that is already impossible. Of course she is only four, she has a lot more growing up to do that I might see but it is never the same. I hope you are both keeping well both in health and spirit even without me.

I must end here if I want to send this to you by the first post. Take care, kiss Nan Er for me and think of me as I will be thinking of you every day. I count the days until I receive your reply. Know that I am

Yours, now and for always

Yong Qi

* * *

_From Yong Qi, the Fifth Prince, in the Yunnan camp of the Imperial Chinese army, to Xiao Yan Zi, the Fifth Princess Consort, Jing Yang Gong, written on the twenty-seventh day of the eighth month of the thirty-second year of Emperor Qian Long_

My love!

Oh dearest, beautiful Xiao Yan Zi! I am not even sure how to express my happiness right now, which you must admit is rather a first for me. Sweetheart, I am torn between extreme gladness and worry for you but I shall not bother you with the worry. Your letter has quite undone me for the day, I think and perhaps it is best that today we have a quiet day. If you send me into battle now, I would shake hands with the enemy rather than fight them. But then perhaps that would stop the war sooner. I'm not making the remotest sense, I know! Oh, Xiao Yan Zi, I am so happy!

Darling, I was already glad to receive your letter today, after months of longing, but when I read of our wonderful news, of the joy and hope you are keeping, I quite startled Er Kang and your brother with my cry of happiness. But as it was, it appears that Er Kang had came in and saw the mail before me and already knew by the time I started reading your letter. Sly man, he said nothing, but then again I would not wish him to tell me, anyway. It was only appropriate that you tell me of this blessing. I feel like the sun is shining right into my heart; I will keep the joy of you and Nan Er and our baby with me always and you will take me through this war so that I might soon be back with you again.

I must say this, though you will loath to hear it: Please, darling, take care of yourself. You know I cannot help worry, even if you were not with child. Now that you are, my worry doubles, even though I should know that you are with every comfort in the palace. Oh but darling, I am not there to watch over you and when you are in this condition, I feel like I can trust no one but me with your well-being. Alas, I cannot be there so please, for my peace of mind, keep yourself well, won't you, sweetheart? I cannot help but think of you every moment, and I will be quite insane if you do not write me as soon as you receive this even if it is just to tell me that you are progressing fine.

All right, I will not longer annoy you with urging you to take care, but please for my sake, keep it in mind. I long to be by your side now, not just to take care of you, but to see the child grow inside you. I cannot believe I will miss such a time. Think how torturous it would be that when I am finally home again, our child might already be born and I have missed months, if not years - let us hope not, of his life!

Sweetheart, you will not be happy with me to read this, but can I say I am glad for this child not just for the joy of him alone? If it is indeed a boy, and if by the off chance I don't come back from this war - don't stop reading, darling, you must know it is a possibility - then he will provide you with security and protection. I know you loath to think of any of our children like that, but love, it is the reality of things and if our son could be your comfort and ensure that you will be safe then I would be thankful that this is the way society works. So I shall pray that you are carrying a son, and if I don't come home, he will at least be some reminder of me.

But no more of my worries which I am sure bore you. I must say I was thoroughly enjoying other parts of your letter that came before our wonderful news too, but I have not yet got over the joy to speak of them. I received Nan Er's note with your letter and encluse the following reply to her. You can read it to her or let her read it as you will:

Nan Er, my love, Ah Ma misses you a lot too. Take care of Er Niang for me and keep out of mischief. I love you very much. Ah Ma

As for our daughter's latest escapade (or at least latest at the time that you wrote it, not necessarily now), I think it is not so much that she was born near the year of the Monkey, sweetheart, but because she is your daughter. And what makes you think I have never climbed a tree in my life? If we can only discipline our children for things we never did as children ourselves then the world would be full of very spoiled children, Xiao Yan Zi. After all, isn't it through the wrongs we did in our childhood that we see the bad consequences of them and think to prevent our children from the same mistakes? Though I think under supervision a little tree climbing won't hurt her, except don't let Lao Fo Ye know I told you that. She definitely would not approve of a princess climbing trees.

I suppose regarding the address of my last letter, I was only trying to be cautious considering the letter from Xiao Jian that it contained. We could include his letters in Er Kang's to Zi Wei, those would be the safest, but I have to admit I was in no mood to write any other letter. Er Kang tells me I cannot avoid it and probably he is right but the truth is I have no idea what to write. Her letter to me was all pleasantness and she didn't mention my failure to write her last so it worries me. I hope she or Lao Fo Ye didn't give you too much grief over it. I suppose out of courtesy I would have to reply but it won't be like writing to you. I know she is not as innocent as she appears and I know too well the games of the court, Xiao Yan Zi. Pleasant smiles can hide a serpent, so do be careful, my love.

You know, darling, that you can write to me of everything. I would rather you pour your heart out to me rather than hold it back in an attempt to not worry me. I know you cannot help your anger and resentment and it is because you love him so that what happened hurt you so. I know you, my love, you cannot suppress your feeling and if you try, you will only end up letting it all out in an explosion of frustration and anger and I cannot bear to think of you in such pain or what would happen when you lose yourself to it. Even if you don't want to send it to me, just write it anyway; write it an burn it, it will make you feel better. I don't want you to keep it all to yourself. Whenever you are in danger of losing yourself to the anger, think of me, think of my love, and of Nan Er, of our baby. I love you, my sweet, and no demon in your heart that urges you to feel hate will change my love for you. I love you, always know that, and think of it, for my love will help dispate the hate.

Er Kang and I have got used to the routine at the camp, and of everything else pertaining to this war. I know right now I belong here, Xiao Yan Zi, as much as I miss you and Nan Er and home. If there is anyone who has to be here, protecting our people, it has to be me. Still, there is nothing like war to make one appreciate the simply joys in life and make strangers become brothers. The men here might still defer to me and bow and attempt to protect me, but on the battle field we are equals. I think as much as I needed to see the lives of the common people through your eyes, I also need this experience as well. After all, how can one make decisions regarding war if one did not know the reality of what went on in a war?

I didn't intend to write you of this, but perhaps it is well that you know why I must be here right now. It is not simply for some delusional sense of glory. My people are here, Xiao Yan Zi and so musts I be, no matter how much my heart longs to be with you.

I send this to you with all my love for you, the first and only in my heart, and for both our children.

Yong Qi

* * *

_From Yong Qi, the Fifth Prince, in the Yunnan camp of the Imperial Chinese army, to Zi Wei, Ming Zhu Ge Ge of Xue Shi Fu, written on the twenty-seventh day of the eighth month of the thirty-second year of Emperor Qian Long_

Zi Wei,

You know to me, you are the dearest, sweetest and favourite of my sisters and I won't trust anyone but you with Xiao Yan Zi's well-being. I'm not beating around the bush, I know, but please, please, dear sister, take care of her for me. I cannot help but worry about her, no matter how I know she hates the very idea of it. I don't think Xiao Yan Zi can take disappointment again, especially not this time when I might not be there to comfort her, so please, Zi Wei, help me keep her safe and well. You know how much hope both Xiao Yan Zi and I treasure right now and I can only depend on you to tell me everything about her well-being. She would want to keep all the bad news from me, so you must tell me things she would not. Do not try and spare me, Zi Wei, I need to know or I would only imagine worst. Write me and reassure me that she is truly well.

I owe you possibly more than my love for you could ever repay, sister, for your very existence brought Xiao Yan Zi into my life. It is only my knowledge that you love me just as much that allows me to ask all this of you. Trust that I will always remain

Your favourite brother

Yong Qi

* * *

_From Yong Qi, the Fifth Prince, in the Yunnan camp of the Imperial Chinese army, to Zhi Hua, the Fifth Princess Consort, Jing Yang Gong, written on the twenty-eighth day of the __eighth _month of the thirty-second year of Emperor Qian Long

Zhi Hua,

I am glad you are keeping well and that things are as to be expected in the palace.

Be assured that I am well and well pleased with sharing the conditions of my men without asking for special treatment with only my rank to justify it. This is, after all, the army and army rank therefore must be respected before all. War is useful for nothing but to teach us that we are equals, when all is said and done, and therefore I think you have a very strange idea of why I am here. I am here because I need to be and I want to be, not because war is some glorified stepping block to a higher position.

I would appreciate it, too, if you willl leave Nan Er to her mother's care. I believe Xiao Yan Zi's heart will allow her to raise Nan Er to be a proper princess as she should be. She is but four and there is no harm in her enjoying a little mischief out of life. She will have enough expectations and hardship later in life as it is, I would rather she knew what it is like to enjoy life.

I am glad that you at least have some occupation in keeping Lao Fo Ye company. Please convey my best wishes to my grandmother.

Yong Qi

* * *

_From Zi Wei, Ming Zhu Ge Ge of Xue Shi Fu, to Yong Qi, the Fifth Prince, in the Yunnan camp of the Imperial Chinese army, written on the first day of the tenth month of the thirty-second year of Emperor Qian Long_

Dearest brother,

Flattery won't get you anywhere, Yong Qi, and it doesn't become you. You know I would take care of Xiao Yan Zi in all the ways that I can; she is my sister. In any case, even my parents in law have advised me to move into Jing Yang Gong for the time being to be with Xiao Yan Zi, for both our comfort. I was reluctant at first for their sake, but they insisted. They said that she needed me more now than they did. Methinks they know more of the situation between you and Zhi Hua than they let on or we tell them. It is then somewhat a surprise when Huang Ah Ma still is oblivious to how things really are between you and Zhi Hua.

But enough of that. Just to settle your mind at ease, Xiao Yan Zi is perfectly fine. Ling Fei insists on the physician visiting her at least twice a month, even without complaints, just to make sure everything is progressing well. She is quite often put out with me with the things I would not let her do, but puts up with in otherwise remarkbly good spirit. I know she fears as much as you do, though she would not say as much to me, so she has taken her own pains to be careful, herself. Do not worry, brother, because she would only worry more about you to hear that you worry about her, because she fears it would make you careless in the battlefield. Speaking of which, you must take care, won't you? All three of you! (You know I must take the chance to throw that in; after all, you are not the only ones with right to worry.)

In any case, in his latest visit, the physician assure us that Xiao Yan Zi is doing remarkably well and there is nothing wrong with her. If she keeps good health and good spirit then all will be well, so you should be at peace.

Take care, brother. And I know I am

Your favourite sister

Zi Wei

* * *

_From Xiao Yan Zi, the Fifth Princess Consort, Jing Yang Gong, to Yong Qi, the Fifth Prince, in the Yunnan camp of the Imperial Chinese army, written on the seventeenth day of the eleventh month of the thirty-second year of Emperor Qian Long_

Dearest Yong Qi,

Can you believe that I am enjoying the company of a Chen girl? No, not your Zhi Hua, but Zhi Qi and Zhi Qin. Of the four of them, why could you not end up with Zhi Qi or Zhi Qin? But perhaps I would not take so well to them if either of them had married you. Regardless, the Chens are here and are to stay until after New Year's. I am bearing their company well enough. Her parents seem to know not how to act or what to say around me so conversation between us is rather non-existent. I think her mother sympathises with me somewhat, even though that may go against her instinct of being on her daughter's side, so it makes her rather nervous around me. Apparently her father has his fair share of concubines after she has produced only girls and she doesn't take well to the situation. Her father knows not what my position is compared to his daughter so has no idea how he should be treating me; he avoids me and succeeds which is rather amazing considering Jing Yang Gong is rather crowded now with her entire family and Zi Wei here at once.

It is only when they come visit that I realise we know next to nothing of her family, Yong Qi. After all, the meeting in Haining was but brief and I always got the impression that her sisters, though older, were somehow lesser versions of her and without their own personality. How wrong I was. They are very different and I can see now how Zhi Hua got all that ambition. She may be the youngest but everyone hails her as the most accomplished and most intelligent and most beatiful, so she gets it into her head that she was destined for greatness. Apparently that's why she was still unattached when we came. I think Zhi Shu nurtures that ambition in her. Zhi Shu is older but she acts in every way Zhi Hua's junior and follows and agrees in everything Zhi Hua does. This means that Zhi Shu very easily gets on my nerves; she is like an echo of Zhi Hua and I don't like girls who can't think for themselves.

The "Big Pair" as they are called, Zhi Qin and Zhi Qi are a lot easier to be around. I think we have developed an odd sort of friendship, much to Zhi Hua's consternation, though she tries to hide it. Zhi Qi even went as far as to tell me that if she was Zhi Hua, she would not marry you for the world, because she would not want to compete with a love so obvious as that that you have for me. I think they understand Zhi Hua more than Zhi Shu seems to and why she agreed to this marriage and the consequences of it. I had thought that they would automatically side with their sister, but they don't. You know how Zhi Hua can say those really sweet-sounding things that have very insulting or mocking connotations and then she thinks that I don't understand? Well, yesterday she hypocritically (sorry) asked me how I was feeling and that she hoped the colder weather would not cause me any harm, in a voice that clearly showed she wished I would catch cold and die or something. Zhi Qi didn't say anything but she gave her sister a really disapproving and disappointed look. It doesn't seem like much, Yong Qi, but that girl could probably kill with her eyes. And then she (Zhi Qi) and Zhi Qin spent the day in the garden with me and Zi Wei. We walked around the imperial garden talking about a load of nonsensical things, and it never felt like they were in any way related to Zhi Hua at all. In fact, I didn't think of Zhi Hua for the entire afternoon we were out.

It would seem like they are all properly named, since Zhi Qin is very accomplished at, surprisingly, the qin. She had even brought her instrument with her and the other day she and Zi Wei played together and I haven't had so much fun listening to anyone playing music in quite a while. They were playing very badly purposefully and we were laughing so much that I was surprised we didn't attract attention of the whole palace. As it was, only Zhi Hua heard us and came in, looking like she'd been betrayed. In a way, I did feel sorry for her then, and I did feel a little guilty, like I was stealing her best friend or something. But you won't think badly of me when I say that I honestly think she was just jealous that I managed to befriend her sister, not because her sister had really somehow betrayed her? I mean, it's not as if Zhi Qin loves me more. No, actually when we were talking in the garden, both Zhi Qin and Zhi Qi said they still loved their sister dearly, but agreed that she was in many way still too naive to understand her situation and while they don't agree with her attitude or situation, it's no longer their place to interfere with her life.

Zhi Qi played some weiqi with me to pass the time, but unlike Zi Wei she wouldn't let me win, which was quite discouraging and I think I finally have to accept that this game really isn't my thing. Actually it's only even more depressing because after that she played a game with Zi Wei and I didn't understand half the things they did. She tried to explain things to me later, and she really is a saint, even more patient than Zi Wei, if that was even possible, but I couldn't concentrate. In the end we just gave up but it was a pleasant day nontheless, probably half because her two younger sisters and her mother were at Ci Ning Gong and her father was with Huang Ah Ma.

I will really miss both Zhi Qin and Zhi Qi when they leave, Yong Qi, even more so when I don't know when I would see them again. They're both getting married later in the spring, and both their future husbands' family are in Zhejiang, so the chances of their traveling much will be very low. That will be more reason for me to beg Huang Ah Ma to take us whenever he goes to Hangzhou in the future, I suppose? I think I would even bear a visit to the Chen's estate, to face Zhi Hua in her home ground, for a chance to see Zhi Qin and Zhi Qi again.

You must think I'm having too much fun at home considering I haven't asked how you are yet, but the truth is as wonderful distractions as my new friends are, I still miss you everyday. Winter is coming on and even though it might not be as bitterly cold down south as it is here, snow must be coming soon. I hope you are keeping well and warm. Before you ask, Zi Wei, Ming Yue and Cai Xia have started a conspiracy to suffocate me in furs and other warm clothings, and there is glowing coal around Jing Yang Gong at all times, so you needn't worry about me catching cold. But I would rather have you to warm me. If I was like a normal wife I would probably send you some handmade thing for you to wrap yourself in but as it is, I can only send you my love, hoping that it will keep you warm in the winter days.

Come back soon, safely, to me, to us. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

Xiao Yan Zi


	26. Green

**XXV. Green**

* * *

_Sometimes, Jin Suo really hated Xiao Yan Zi._

* * *

Sometimes Jin Suo could dream. Sometimes she would imagine that she was truly Xiao jie's friend and sister, not just a servant. Sometimes she wished that the years they spent together really took away the differences in class and education between her and Xiao jie. Sometimes Jin Suo almost believed in these dreams.

That was before Xiao Yan Zi came along and shattered them.

The truth was, there were things that Xiao jie had always kept to herself before, and now she told Xiao Yan Zi. The truth was, Xiao jie told Xiao Yan Zi all of it, without asking Jin Suo whether she should.

Of course, Xiao jie didn't have to; she was free to tell whomever whatever she wished. It was Xiao jie who owned Jin Suo, not the other way around. So Jin Suo knew she had no legitimate reasons for resenting this, for resenting Xiao Yan Zi. But Jin Suo wasn't Xiao jie. She couldn't reason away her feelings, she couldn't tell herself not to feel, just because they weren't the right, charitable feelings.

So, sometimes, she hated Xiao Yan Zi.

It first started when Xiao jie swore to be sisters with Xiao Yan Zi. Jin Suo had acted happy for her, but in reality, her blood was boiling inside. Xiao jie didn't have to swear on anything, didn't have to give up anything and she would still have Jin Suo by her side forever. So why did she need another girl? Who was Xiao Yan Zi? What was Xiao Yan Zi to Xiao jie that would make her swear to heaven and earth to share everything with? She didn't share everything with Jin Suo.

Wasn't Jin Suo good enough?

A part of Jin Suo was vindictively glad to know that Xiao Yan Zi had betrayed Xiao jie, had stolen Xiao jie's treasures and prentended to be a princess. Oh, she wasn't _glad _for Xiao jie's sake, of course. For Xiao jie's sake, she was heartbroken. But it was proof that all that she resented in Xiao Yan Zi all this time had some merit. She was free to hate Xiao Yan Zi now, and no one could blame her. She could let out her feelings and Xiao jie could not dispute them. Perhaps Xiao jie would ask Jin Suo to not express them, but deep down Xiao jie must know now that Jin Suo's words were true.

If she wanted to blame someone, she would rather blame Xiao Yan Zi, too, for her heartbreak over Er Kang Shao ye later. After all, if Xiao Yan Zi's big mouth hadn't revealed the fact that Xiao jie had promised Jin Suo to Er Kang Shao ye, Jin Suo would never have dared to get her hopes up. She was sure if Xiao Yan Zi hadn't said it, Xiao jie probably wouldn't, or at least she would have made it seemed like Jin Suo had a choice in the matter. In that case, Jin Suo would never have dared to think of competing with Xiao jie and would have pulled away from the beginning. She would never had dreamed. Then she would never had been so hurt.

Most of all, she hated how Xiao Yan Zi seemed to have everything Jin Suo always wanted, and how was she better than Jin Suo, really? At least Jin Suo knew her parents once, and knew her name and where she came from. It wasn't a glamorous origin but she knew, at least. What did Xiao Yan Zi know about herself? She could be the daughter of a murderer for all everyone knew. Yet she had the protection of the Emperor, the love of a prince and most unfair of all, she had Xiao jie's implicit trust and friendship.

Not that Jin Suo particularly fancied Wu Ah Ge, or wanted the pressure of being a princess. But it would have been nice, wouldn't it, to do what Xiao Yan Zi dared to do in front of the Emperor? After all, even Wu Ah Ge, Huang Shang's favourite child, would never dare to run into his arms crying like Xiao Yan Zi did. It would have been nice to know that there was a father figure caring for you, to avange you when you were bullied. It would be nice, too, to have someone who looked at you with such devotion, the way Wu Ah Ge looked at Xiao Yan Zi. Besides, she was able to share things with Xiao jie as an equal, the way Jin Suo never could. It wasn't fair.

The truth was, most of the time, Jin Suo knew that Xiao Yan Zi was geuinely kind and most of the time, Jin Suo found it wasn't hard to be kind back. But sometimes, Jin Suo really hated Xiao Yan Zi.

* * *

_A/N: I really don't like Fan Bing Bing as Jin Suo. Reading the novels, I know that she's supposed to be good and kind, just a little too overprotective of Zi Wei, but Fan Bing Bing manages to make her really unlikable sometimes. This is just an exaggeration of Jin Suo, not necessarily what I really think Jin Suo was feeling._


	27. Name

**XXVI. Name**

* * *

_A season of courtship, and Xiao Yan Zi ponders the merit of "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."_

* * *

"Zi Wei, do you think I'm doing the right thing?"

They had just finished breakfast and Zi Wei and Xiao Yan Zi were simply leaving the dining room when Xiao Yan Zi stopped dead in her track to ask this question. Zi Wei had to stop walking in the nick of time to avoid colliding with her.

"About what?" Zi Wei walked around to look at Xiao Yan Zi, and saw that that her sworn sister had a rather wide-eyed, bewildered look on her face and looked genuinely worried about something.

"This whole thing with Wu Ah Ge!" Xiao Yan Zi wailed. "All this engaged business! I mean, can you imagine me being engaged?"

Zi Wei had to hold back a laugh. Only Xiao Yan Zi could ask this after the matter being totally settled by the Emperor. Only Xiao Yan Zi would not realise that once the Emperor said it was done, she couldn't change her mind even if she wanted to. Then again, if Xiao Yan Zi really wanted to change her mind, the Emperor's word would probably mean nothing. "I don't imagine you engaged, Xiao Yan Zi, you _are_ engaged."

She pulled her friend into the main room to sit so that Ming Yue and Cai Xia could start clearing the table, but even there, Xiao Yan Zi left Zi Wei to sit by herself and she simply paced the length of the room.

"That's not exactly my point!" Xiao Yan Zi cried, absently-mindedly taking the tea Zi Wei was holding out. She brought it to her lips and barely sipped it before putting it down on the table again, so hard that some of the tea splashed out.

Zi Wei wasn't sure what exactly triggered such strange behaviour that morning. Xiao Yan Zi had been happy enough at the idea of the engagement and Zi Wei was sure her feelings hadn't decided to change overnight, so it must be some other things that was causing this sudden worry. Zi Wei wouldn't be surprised if somehow the demands of marrying a prince had finally caught up with Xiao Yan Zi, but from her tone, it didn't seem that serious.

"What is your point? Surely you're not having regrets!"

"Not exactly, it's just that, oh Zi Wei, it just occurred to me that I hardly know him at all!" Xiao Yan Zi was waving her hands around for emphasis as she said this and for a moment, Zi Wei had to hold back laughter as she realised that her friend looked strangely like the bird she was named after, flapping her wings.

"What on earth do you mean?"

"I mean, there are so many things I don't know, like, what his favourite food is, not that I would be able to cook it. I also don't know what his favourite poem is, not that I would be able to memorise it either. I don't know what his favourite colour is or what his horse's name is, though I know he rides just the one horse, or what he did with his free time before I came along and took over his life. I haven't ever even addressed him by his name! Who gets engaged without ever addressing their intended by his name?"

Xiao Yan Zi finished her speech with a rather horrified look on her face that only Xiao Yan Zi could pull off, and Zi Wei couldn't hold back the laugh anymore. She supposed she should be more worried, because if she was being fair, some of the things plaguing Xiao Yan Zi did make sense. Zi Wei could see why_ marriage_ itself would terrify Xiao Yan Zi, before you even consider _who _she was marrying. But it wasn't as if she was getting married tomorrow, was it? She still had some time to get used to the idea and solve all these supposed-problems. Zi Wei didn't believe Xiao Yan Zi's feelings were so fickle that she could truly back out of the marriage now without feeling at least some regret.

"Lots of people get engaged without even _knowing_ their intended's name. At least you know his name," she said.

"But I have never said it to him, how weird is that?"

"Xiao Yan Zi, have you ever heard _anyone_ address Wu Ah Ge by his name, except Huang Ah Ma?"

"No," Xiao Yan Zi answered slowly. "I guess not."

"It's not even _appropriate_ to address him by his name, Xiao Yan Zi," Zi Wei pointed out. "Even Huang Hou does not use it. With his position, it's taboo for you to take his name in vain."

"So what am I supposed to do, marry him and spend the rest of my life calling him Wu Ah Ge?" The idea was apparently more horrifying to Xiao Yan Zi than anything else the court could throw at her.

"I don't think it will be the _whole _of your life," Zi Wei said, though she knew the answer was hardly comforting.

"So how long into marriage is it then suddenly ok for me to use his name?"

"Never," Zi Wei said matter-of-factly. "I just meant that at some point his title will probably change."

Xiao Yan Zi simply stared at her for a moment, then threw herself down on a nearby chair with a huffy pout. "Great, so now I'm marrying a man whose name won't even remain constant. How much hope do I have that his heart would?"

Zi Wei giggled at the disgruntled look on her friend's face, despite feeling a little guilty for laughing at her misery.

"What have I gotten myself _into_?" Xiao Yan Zi groaned.

"Come on, Xiao Yan Zi, stop being so dramatic. As for the things you don't know about him, well, that's what this time before the marriage is for, so that you get to know these things."

"You are right, of course. I suppose I have even worst things to worry about, other than just his name, like the fact that I'm going to be stuck here in the palace _forever_! I knew it, Zi Wei, I knew falling in love would just be so troublesome!"

* * *

Despite all Xiao Yan Zi's complaints to Zi Wei, the days that followed the announcement of their engagements were some of the happiest of her life. She had finally returned her false title over to Zi Wei, and managed to keep her head to tell the tale. Huang Ah Ma still loved her and she still got to stay in the palace with Zi Wei. Of course, the last bit wasn't quite a luxury for Xiao Yan Zi as it would have been for other people, but she could bear it, even if it was only for Zi Wei and Huang Ah Ma. Of course, it was for Wu Ah Ge, too, she supposed, but it was still strange for her to think of him in such a way. She had known for months that she no longer saw him as just her brother, but they had to act like siblings for all that time that now to be free of such restraint was still quite foreign to Xiao Yan Zi.

She supposed part of the strange thing was that Wu Ah Ge didn't act that much different towards her now that the secret was out. She had almost been afraid that he would turn into a version of Er Kang, talk to her in verses and ridiculous phrases then expect her to do the same and say to him whatever it was that Zi Wei said to Er Kang. She was hugely relieved when he did not; she knew there was no way that she could start talking like Zi Wei and had been half afraid that he would not want her anymore when she would not.

There is still that issue of his name. There was no doubt that she wasn't allowed to use it; Zi Wei had said so and she wasn't one to be mistaken about these things. Stupid palace and stupid rules. She didn't think he would actually mind if she called him by his name, and it wasn't as if he ever hesitated in using her name. Still, even then, did she want to call him by his name? She only knew that it seemed oddly impersonal to call him what everyone from his stepmother who hated him to down to the lowest servants called him. Shouldn't she be allowed to call him something different? To continue calling him Wu Ah Ge also made it seem like nothing had changed between them, and that she was still his sister. It was rather disconcerting to think of it that way.

She looked around furtively to make sure no one was in earshot before testing his name out loud to herself. The words felt strange on her lips. She wondered if it would still sound strange if she said it to him.

At times like this, it was probably a good thing that she was Xiao Yan Zi because such issues rarely occupied her mind for long. She quickly learned to push it aside and to slide back into her habit of addressing him Wu Ah Ge, because it was a habit, and because it was so much simpler. It was only until Sai Ya was visiting her at Shu Fang Zhai that the issue was brought up again.

"Why do you call him Wu Ah Ge and Huang Shang call him Yong Qi?" Sai Ya asked Xiao Yan Zi.

"Well, what Huang Ah Ma calls him is his name while Wu Ah Ge is his title."

"That must be so strange. I know what _wu_ means of course but what does _ah ge _mean? I know what a _yan__ zi _is and that _zi__ wei _is a flower. I thought _ah ge _just means brother. You see, that's why I didn't want to marry him when my father asked. I didn't want to marry someone whose name meant that he was somehow my brother."

Xiao Yan Zi had never thought about it this way before, but looking at it from Sai Ya's perspective, knowing little of Chinese culture and even less of Manchurian, she wondered why she never picked up this before. Oh well, perhaps she should be glad for this concern from Sai Ya, otherwise Sai Ya might really had agreed to marry Wu Ah Ge. It wasn't as if Xiao Yan Zi could put up a very good argument as to why Yong Qi could not marry Sai Ya.

Zi Wei laughed and explained, "Ah Ge means prince, so basically it means that he is the fifth prince because he is the fifth-born son of Huang Ah Ma. In China, a person's given name is sacred and should not be used directly too often, that is why many people have alternative names and aliases. Calling people by honourifics and avoiding their birth name is a sign of respect. In the case of the imperial family it is even more of a taboo to speak names of ranking people out loud. One must never speak the Emperor's name for example, and the same would apply for the princes."

"Well, I think it's stupid, that you would keep on calling him by such a silly title when you're going to marry him, Xiao Yan Zi," Sai Ya scoffed.

Both Zi Wei and Xiao Yan Zi started to laugh, though Sai Ya looked completely serious about what she said. Then again, only Sai Ya would dare call the titles of princes of the Great Qing Empire silly.

"And if it is only his title and only means that he's the fifth prince then it's not exclusive to him, isn't it? I mean, one of the Emperor's brothers must had been Wu Ah Ge once and maybe someday your son would be Wu Ah Ge - " Xiao Yan Zi choked on her tea and Zi Wei smiled; Sai Ya didn't seem to notice and just went on speaking - "so why would you want to call him something that was once used to refer to his uncle or one day to your son?"

"Well," said Xiao Yan Zi, spluttering and wiping the tea from her chin, "I guess you have a point even if you have an odd way of making it. You know it's probably some sort of crime to attempt assassination of princesses with shocking comments."

"What did I say?" Sai Ya said, looking totally wide-eyed and innocent.

* * *

"You must tell me about yourself," Xiao Yan Zi said to Wu Ah Ge the next day when he and Er Kang came to Shu Fang Zhai. They came even more often than before, especially Er Kang, now that there was no chance of people mistaking it that he came to see Xiao Yan Zi. People wondered less now, too, why Wu Ah Ge paid so much attention to Xiao Yan Zi.

"Tell you about myself?" He gave Xiao Yan Zi a look that said quite clearly he had no idea what she was talking about or why such a request was even necessary.

"Yes! I just realised I hardly know anything about you!"

He continued to look blankly at her, then turned to give Zi Wei a questioning gaze. When his sister didn't answer, he turned back to Xiao Yan Zi and said in a confused voice, "Xiao Yan Zi, we just went through a near-death experience together, what is there that you need to know?"

"Lots! Like what your favourite colour is, or whether you have any scars or birthmarks. Of course you have scars, you practice martial arts, but I'm not marrying you until I know these things about you."

"_Why_? Why would knowing my favourite colour change anything about whether you want to marry me or not?" Wu Ah Ge asked. "I mean, would you _not _marry me if, say, my favourite colour was purple or yellow?"

"No, it's not the _answer _that is the matter! It's just stupid to marry you when I don't know anything about you!"

Er Kang interrupted with a smirk, "Xiao Yan Zi, if you don't want him, I'm sure plenty of other girls would want to marry him, knowing a lot less than what his favourite colour is and whether he has any scars."

Xiao Yan Zi gave Er Kang a slightly disdainful glare and a sniff. "I'm not talking about other girls, I'm talking about me." Then, turning to Wu Ah Ge, she asked, "Is it?"

"Is it what?"

"Your favourite colour, purple or yellow?"

"Neither," Wu Ah Ge said. "It was just an example."

At this point, Er Kang couldn't hold suppress his amusement any longer and burst out laughing. "Come on, Zi Wei, I think we can leave Xiao Yan Zi and Wu Ah Ge to their interrogation."

"Perhaps I want to interrogate you, too," Zi Wei teased, but she followed Er Kang out the door nonetheless, leaving the other couple together.

"How much do you want to bet that he really just wants time alone with her?" Xiao Yan Zi sniggered, looking after them.

"Maybe I don't mind time alone with you either," he smiled.

She turned to look at him and it was as if she only just realised that without Er Kang and Zi Wei, she was now alone in the room with him; all the servants were outside in the courtyard. She didn't know whether it was just an accident or a deliberate act, but Er Kang had closed the door as he left. Suddenly it felt strange to look straight at him and she now had no idea how to stop her hands fidgeting by her sides. A blush crept up her cheeks and her neck felt hot as she realised that this was the first time she had been alone with him since he ceased to be her brother.

"Red," he said, looking at her with a fond smile.

"What about red?" she said, quite breathless.

"My favourite colour," he replied, twirling the red tassel of her headdress around his finger. "And yours is blue."

"How do you know that?"

"Because it's the colour of freedom, of the sky and you love to fly free." He took both her hands and pulled her close to him. "You know, I don't mind us getting to know all the tiny little details about each other but you know we have a lifetime for that, right?"

He leaned in, but she swiftly pulled her hands away and stepped out of his embrace. The look he gave her in return was something between an indulgent smile and disappointment. "You can't distract me that easily. What if you have some terrible habit that I only find out after the wedding that if I had known before I would not have married you?"

"To that, Xiao Yan Zi," he said with a cheeky grin, "I can only say that you have plenty of bad habits that I already know about but I haven't run away screaming yet!"

"Then it just proves that you are odd, for wanting me!" she retorted.

"You are even stranger for putting up with me then, when you know too well that I am too used to getting my way and will sooner or later pick fights with you again due to my stubbornness and pride."

Xiao Yan Zi had to admit he had a point. Seeing that she was lost in her thoughts, he went over to pick up the cup of tea that Ming Yue had served earlier. After just the first sip, however, he looked up in surprise. "This is Huang Shan Mao Feng tea," he exclaimed, delighted. Xiao Yan Zi was apparently too preoccupied with her thoughts to answer. He lifted the lids of the cups of tea that Er Kang and Zi Wei didn't have time to drink earlier and took in the scent of the tea. "They just served this to me, they served Long Jing to Er Kang and Zi Wei."

"And me," Xiao Yan Zi finally turned back to the conversation and confirmed what he already suspected. Answering his enquiring look, she said, "Before when Zi Wei was still a palace maid, she talked to the maids at Huang Ah Ma's tea rooms, that's how she found out that Huang Ah Ma loved Bi Luo Chun and incidentally was told that you preferred Huang Shan Mao Feng."

"So now you make a point of telling your maids to serve it to me?" he asked, looking immensely touched at the seemingly small gesture but meant a lot coming from Xiao Yan Zi.

"Well, I thought you spent more time here than at your own place, all the tea you drink you probably be served here, so you as well enjoy it," she said.

He put the cup down and walked over to her to take her hands again and smiled. "Well, then that's one thing you know about me that not many people know actually."

She looked sceptical. "Palace maids know that."

"They serve tea, that's their job, but it's not the sort of things that, say, Er Tai would be able to tell you off the top of his head. Anh how come Er Kang didn't get personalised tea?"

"Oh he did, the Xi Hu Long Jing is for him," Xiao Yan shrugged. "It's just that neither Zi Wei nor I minded what tea we drink so we got the same. So why do you?"

"You know, Xiao Yan Zi," he said, shaking his head, looking half-amused, half-bemused, "I can't always guess which broken thread of conversation you've suddenly decided to pick up. Why do I what?"

"Still want me, despite of all those habits? You know, before if I hadn't suggested we come back, would you really have left everything for me?"

"Xiao Yan Zi!" he exclaimed. "I was there, wasn't I? If I wanted to look back, I would never have lied for you in the first place, let alone steal you out of jail. Though, to be honest, I didn't always know why I lied for you, but now I do."

"Why?"

He gave her a gentle smile and said sincerely, "Because you make me feel like myself and around you, there's a sense of safety that I have never felt with anyone else."

Xiao Yan Zi stared at him with wide eyes for a moment, then she burst out laughing at the absurd idea. "You feel safe around _me_?"

If there was one thing that Xiao Yan Zi couldn't deceive even herself about, it's the fact that she attracted trouble everywhere she went. It wasn't as if she always wanted to look for trouble, it just came to her, somehow. She never wanted to dress up as an eunuch or to have to climb the city's tallest walls, but it was the only way to see Zi Wei. She never wanted to run away from mad women trying to kill her with rules by climbing up a tree, either. It was hardly fun, but what choice did she have? He had always been the one to solve all these troublesome situations for her, often at his own risks. It couldn't have been fun for him, either. How could he actually feel safe around her?

It was as if he knew what she was thinking of, because he was laughing, too. "Don't worry, Xiao Yan Zi," he said when he finally caught his breath, "I am well aware that I'm risking my life and limbs a lot around you."

"I hope so, I wouldn't want you to disillusion yourself," she giggled.

"I only meant, I feel can let myself be completely relaxed around you, to not have to hide my feelings, hide what I want to say, because you don't care for the rules that stop me feeling or saying these things, and you won't judge me for feeling or saying them," he said. "You make me feel alive like I've never felt before and you bring a liveliness into my life that before, I never knew missing or that I craved. You didn't just bring Huang Ah Ma joy, Xiao Yan Zi, but you brought it to me, too - joy and happiness."

He was gazing intently at her, his eyes shining with devotion. She didn't always understand what was behind that look he often directed at her, but even now that she knew, she still couldn't help feeling breathless under all those emotions. Why did her heart always skip a beat when he looked at her like that ever since their moment in the meadow? She, Xiao Yan Zi, who wasn't afraid of anything, shouldn't be feeling this flustered with just a look. She had stared down cruel slave masters, evil officials, mocked the Empress, even shouted in the Emperor's face, and held her ground, so how was it that he could make her feel weak at the knees just by looking at her? It didn't seem fair! She had only ever been drunk once, and it felt something like this.

"You're not supposed to say these things when you know I don't know how to answer in the same flowery manner," she said, turning away, pretending to be upset. It probably wasn't fooling him.

"Well, you're not supposed to laugh or be upset when I tell you these things," he said, but he was still smiling. "Besides, you don't have to say anything. The fact that you're here is enough."

There was a gentleness and intense gratefulness in the way he said this that made her entire body shiver with happiness. She couldn't help giving him a shy smile. He impulsively pulled her into a hug and this time, she let him. The silence stretched on between them, but it was one that Xiao Yan Zi was happy to keep going it. It was strangely comfortable to be here like this, in his company and in his arms, and knowing that they had nothing hide anymore, from each other or from the world.

It was quite a while later when the question that had been nagging at Xiao Yan Zi made her look up at him and break the silence. "Can I ask you something?"

"Haven't you just been asking me things all morning?"

"If we get married - "

"_If_? Why is there an if in here?"

She brushed his alarmed tone aside. "Listen to me! If we marry, what am I supposed to call you?"

"Why would what you call me have to change once we are married?"

"It'd be...weird, don't you think, to keep calling you Wu Ah Ge? It's what everyone else calls you. It's probably the easiest thing to call you but it just seems so formal"

"Well, I think to be called 'husband' would be nice," he said with a grin.

Xiao Yan Zi thought for a moment before making an uncomfortable face. "I think I prefer 'Wu Ah Ge' to that."

He laughed. "You know, Xiao Yan Zi, I do have a name."

"A name apparently I'm not allowed to use."

"Who told you that?"

"Zi Wei. She said something about taboo and something else but I wasn't really listening."

He pondered for a long moment, so long that Xiao Yan Zi began to feel genuinely worried. Zi Wei had been right then, he would not want her to call him by his name. If that was the case, what was she supposed to do? It felt rather pretentious to call him Wu Ah Ge for the rest of their lives. Then again, he had brought up the issue of his given name in the first place, so why would he do that if he didn't at least consider it an option?

"You know, Xiao Yan Zi," he finally said, "_when_ we marry, believe me there will be all sorts of rules about what you may call me, but honestly? I think as with all other rules, you'll end up disregarding them all anyway."

Xiao Yan Zi opened her mouth to protest but then thought better of it. He was probably right; if she protested now and said something along the lines of she could keep that one rule, he probably will hold it up against her later. He grinned when she closed her mouth again, pouting.

"So," he said, smiling, "I _really_ don't care what you call me, as long as it's not 'Huang Ah Ma', 'brother', 'Er Kang' or 'Er Tai'."

Xiao Yan Zi couldn't help but burst out laughing at this. "I don't think I could ever have called you 'brother' in good conscience, never had the urge to marry anyone called Er Kang and Er Tai even less, especially he never showed any interest in the first place."

For a moment, he pressed his lips together and turned away, as if amused by something she said.

"What?" she asked, feeling suddenly self-conscious, though there didn't seem anything funny in what she just said.

"Nothing," he said, turning back to her with a more natural smile. "Anyway, you can call me by my name, Xiao Yan Zi."

In that moment, she suddenly found the only response she could give was "Yes."

Now that he had left the door open for her to address him by his name, she actually felt shy to do say it in front of him. She was more aware than ever, now, that indeed, _no one _had ever addressed him by his given name except Huang Ah Ma, who gave him that name. The name suddenly felt more than just two words put together now, and the fact that she was free to use it made it seem like she'd crossed some invisible boundary between them into a whole different realm of intimacy. The whole engagement seemed more real than ever, and she was definitely off her guards.

"Are you going to say it?" he asked, smiling at her in a way that was not putting her more at ease.

"When the occasion comes up," she said, looking away in embarassment.

"Don't tell me we went through all that so that you can worm your way out of it now."

She glared at him. "I am not _worming_ my way out it, but there has to be reason to say it."

"Why? I don't need a reason to say your name."

She pouted and turned away from him in mock anger. He simply stepped closer to her and whispered, "Xiao Yan Zi, please?"

"No."

"Would you say it if I kiss you?"

"No."

"You would if I tickle you!" he said, grinning, grabbing her around the waist.

Xiao Yan Zi shrieked and swiftly pulled out of his reach. She tried to run away; he chased her around the room and soon had her trapped in a corner.

"Where are you going to run now?" he whispered, leaning close to her, smiling.

"No, stop," she giggled, "I'm really ticklish, if you start I swear I'll probably scream the place down."

"That," he grinned, "is something I didn't know."

"You didn't?" she gasped. Now that she had stopped giggling and the danger of him tickling her was at bay, she finally realised just how close he was, and the realisation was stealing the breath out of her. She didn't want him to pull away but the fact that his face was just less than a hand's span away from her own was making her breathless.

"That was a bluff," he said, leaning in even closer, so that his forehead rested against her. She didn't realise until now that he had his arms around her waist. Her heart was beating wildly; he was so close that she could feel his gentle beath fanning her face.

"Yong Qi." The name slipped out in a whisper even before she could hold it back. A fierce blush took over her and she clammed her lips together. She should have known this would happen from the beginning. Falling in love was not only troublesome but apparently very dangerous. He had an uncanny ability to get her to do things she didn't quite mean to do. She was definitely in trouble now.

"That wasn't so hard now, was it?"

Xiao Yan Zi pouted. "You are very bad, you blackmailed me into it."

"Blackmail would imply that I made you do something against your will. I seem to recall that you _wanted _to call me something other than Wu Ah Ge," he said, smiling. "Say it again."

"No," she said stubbornly, turning her head away to avoid looking into his eyes. When he looked at her like that, she didn't trust her ability to resist his requests.

He smiled and tilted her chin so that she looked at him. "No?"

"No."

He simply smiled more widely and leaned in even closer. Her eyes fluttered closed and she was sure he would kiss her, until -

"Huang Shang arrives!"

Yong Qi let out a startled exclamation, and in a flash, she could no longer feel his arms around her. Suddenly he was standing several steps away from her. The lost of his arms supporting her in her muddled state meant that she almost stumbled and had to fall back against a pillar for a moment to catch her breath. She could only hope that her face was not as red as she was sure it was a moment ago. It probably didn't matter anyway, since they were alone in a closed room, which was quite incriminating in itself. He looked as if he wanted to reach out and give her his hand, but there was no time. There was only time for Yong Qi to give her a conspiratory smile before Xiao Deng Zi opened the door.

"Huang Ah Ma ji xiang!"

Qian Long waved a hand to allow them to straighten. He merely raised an eyebrow at the fact that it was only the two of them in the room and seemed to ignore Xiao Yan Zi's still pink cheeks. Speaking to Qian Long, Xiao Yan Zi now found that from the moment she first said Yong Qi's name, she suddenly couldn't refer to him by anything else. She was sure that Qian Long noticed the switch from Wu Ah Ge because he turned to give his son a sharp glance. It was only when Yong Qi appeared unperturbed that he let it slide without even a comment.

Xiao Yan Zi only realised later when they had both left that she still didn't know what his favourite food was or what his horse was named, or any of the things that she hoped to find out when she told him earlier that he must tell her about himself. Still, tomorrow as another day and he was probably right, they did have a lifetime as well.


	28. Spare

**XXVII. Spare**

* * *

_Er Tai was used to being the spare, even in love. He didn't mind it, but apparently his brother did. _

* * *

It started with a very simple question from his brother.

"It's not that I'm trying to be ungrateful, Er Tai, but are you sure? Can you be happy with her?"

Er Tai looked at his brother for a long moment. How did it become like this? He would never have expected his brother, his sensible, serious, model-son-and-subject, perfect brother might be so undone by love that he felt the need to ask Er Tai this.

Did Er Kang think it mattered whether he was sure, whether he could really be happy? An alliance marriage needed to be made and Er Kang was unwilling to be the sacrifice. Er Tai couldn't blame him, exactly; if he had someone like Zi Wei at stake, he would be reluctant too. But the truth was, he didn't have, and a marriage needed to be made between China and Tibet.

As many great young men as the imperial court boasted, politics came into play as well. The Emperor needed the Tibetan King's son-in-law to be someone who would be his eyes and ears at the Tibetan court, to support the Emperor's cause and stay loyal to him. It would have been better if it could have been one of the Emperor's own sons, but Wu Ah Ge was out of the question. As for Liu Ah Ge, Er Tai suspected Huang Shang had other plans. Other princes were too young still.

So it came down to one of them and it was obvious that Er Kang would not agree. So what else was Er Tai to do? Sit around and let Er Kang, Huang Shang and the Tibetan King argue over the issue until a diplomatic nightmare was born?

It was lucky, of course, that Sai Ya proved a lot less stubborn and strong-willed than Er Tai expected. She was only a trifle spoiled and used to getting everything she wanted, which was why she had fought for Er Kang, and _that_ was only because he was the only man who ever dared to beat her in a fight. It was a matter of pride rather than of the heart, really. Once Er Tai realised this, turning Sai Ya's attention and intention towards himself had been absurdly easy.

What he said to Wu Ah Ge was true, but also not true. Sai Ya was cute in her own way, and yes, she resembled Xiao Yan Zi in some ways. But that wasn't the reason Er Tai was marrying her. He would loath to think he was so unkind as to make Sai Ya become a replacement for Xiao Yan Zi. He had no intention of imagining Xiao Yan Zi in Sai Ya's place, or making any sort of comparison between them. He was marrying her, because, let's face it, it was the only way to get them out of this minor disaster that was just waiting to happen.

This meant, of course, that Er Tai didn't fool himself into thinking he was in love with Sai Ya, or she with him. Knowing each other for a handful of days, and stolen times riding in the fields and running through forests wasn't enough to foster love yet. Half the things he said she didn't understand and, well, frankly, vice versa as well. But those days was enough to convince Er Tai that she didn't have any horrible habits that he would deplore, and that she was, really, eager to please. She was pretty, which was a bonus. It all just meant that Er Tai wouldn't come to hate her later if he married her. Life would be easy with her, and if that was happiness, then he would answer the affirmative to his brother's question.

Er Tai was too used to the idea that his marriage would never be his own choice to be bothered with the apparent lack of love between him and Sai Ya, the love that existed between his brother and Zi Wei, or Wu Ah Ge and Xiao Yan Zi. After all, even if he didn't marry Sai Ya, it wasn't as if he could conjure up a lady love because he wanted one. If the Emperor found a different way to resolve this problem without making Er Kang marry her, then when the problem was all over, the Emperor would think of a match for him soon anyhow. His brother's marriage would then no doubt remind Huang Shang that Er Tai, too, came of marriageable age ages ago. One princess was as good as the next, he supposed. What difference did it make, really? He might as well use his marriage to do his duty and save the Emperor the headache of negotiating with the Tibetan king and leave the Emperor's daughters to some other lucky gentleman.

It all sounded rather blasé and decidedly unromantic, but he was raised in a military household, he wasn't born to be romantic. Heaven knew where his brother learned it.

"I won't be _un_happy with her," was the answer he finally settled on.

His brother gave him a sharp look, as if he was attempting to look into Er Tai's very soul. Or perhaps just his heart.

"Do you love her?"

He debated whether he should just answer yes to attempt to put Er Kang's mind at ease, but the suspicious tone of Er Kang's voice told Er Tai that his brother probably knew the answer already.

"I'm not going to attempt to insult her so I'll just say that I don't _dis_like her."

"Er Tai!" Er Kang exclaimed, then paced around the room. Er Tai let him pace. After a while, Er Kang turned back and asked, "How could you even consider marrying her without love?"

Er Tai thought this was rather like the pot meeting the kettle. Er Kang would be off Zi Wei's marriage market years ago if Liu Ge Ge hadn't fallen sick and passed away just two months before the wedding. Er Kang had been perfectly complacent with the marriage, though Er Tai was sure he felt about as much love for Liu Ge Ge as Er Tai felt now for Sai Ya.

"Before Zi Wei, you wouldn't have asked me this question," Er Tai said. "Regardless, I doubt 'I don't love her' works as an excuse now that Huang Shang had issued the imperial edict."

"It worked for me!"

Er Tai rolled his eyes. "No, it didn't, and even then you had the excuse that you were wished to marry Huang Shang's own daughter. I got you out of it, remember?"

"Well, you shouldn't have if you didn't love her," Er Kang said still stubbornly. "I could have convinced Huang Shang eventually and it would have been resolved."

Er Tai stared at his brother in shock. He didn't think love was blind actually meant something like this!

"You honestly think the Tibetan king would back down? He'd brought his daughter all the way here, it is obvious that they at least had thoughts of a marriage. Do you honestly think unless Sai Ya changed her mind herself that after she chose you, her father would accept a lesser consolation prize?"

Er Kang apparently didn't have an answer for this. Er Tai sighed.

"It's not that I don't appreciate your concern," he said, more softly. "I do and I thank you for it heartily. And I do like her, I think I can easily be friends with her. I don't think, in the future, it would be much of a problem to care for her and perhaps, yes, even love her at some point. Just not yet."

Er Kang was looking at him very strangely, as if walking into a marriage with this kind of feeling was rather odd.

"I am sorry - " Er Kang started, but Er Tai brushed it aside.

"I'm not sorry," he said firmly, and he meant it. "Why should you be?"

"I thought that if you are sure you love her then it would be fine. I just don't want you to spend the rest of your life regretting..."

He stopped abruptly and Er Tai was confused.

"Regretting what?"

Er Kang finally admitted after some more silence, "Xiao Yan Zi."

"I don't regret her," Er Tai said sincerely. "And I won't."

"But you weren't saying the truth, were you?" Er Kang pressed. "You didn't give her up just because she blushed around Wu Ah Ge. You gave her up because he _is _Wu Ah Ge."

"I gave her up because it would have caused the heaven to collapse if Wu Ah Ge and I started fighting over a girl who was supposed to be his sister," Er Tai admitted. "But I also gave her up because then he loved her more than I did. I _could_ learn to love her like he did then, if I let myself, but I didn't. Wu Ah Ge isn't the only one who values this friendship."

"That's not possible," Er Kang said flatly.

"What's not?"

"Stopping yourself from falling in love."

Er Tai smiled, "Then I've done the impossible! Surely that convinces you I can handle marriage to a Tibetan princess?"

Er Kang was not amused at the attempt to lighten the conversation.

"I'm serious."

Er Tai turned serious, too. "Brother, I'll be fine. I don't have to be like you, and have the love of my life to be happy. I'll be happy knowing that I was able to help you and that you are happy."

Er Kang finally accepted this, though he still looked both uncomfortable and guilty at Er Tai's situation. Let him be uncomfortable, Er Tai had long learnt his place in the world. His brother only felt bad because it was only till now that he understood, to his parents, to the Emperor and to the world, Er Tai was only the spare, something like a copy, but lesser, of Er Kang, to look to when Er Kang wasn't available. Er Tai didn't believe he was actually lesser than Er Kang, of course, but the world apparently thought so. When he was young, he would resent Er Kang for it, but as he grew older, he came to accept it. Resentment didn't change the way the world thought or how society worked.

Sometimes, not being Er Kang was even a good thing. Being Er Kang meant forever trying to be perfect and Er Tai didn't think he could deal with that. Er Kang was much better at being perfect than he.

He knew Er Kang didn't often think about what it was like to be Er Tai, to be the second, always. But he also knew that didn't mean that Er Kang didn't care about what happened to him. In fact, his brother's concern over this entire matter proved that he cared. In the beginning, Er Kang might just be caught up with being rid of Sai Ya that he acted grateful and happy, but now that the word from the Emperor was issued and the marriage was real, that it would take place, Er Kang finally saw that Er Tai, normally so sensible, couldn't possibly fall in love so quick.

What he told his brother was true. He didn't need to love Sai Ya _now _to make this marriage successful. The way he saw it, he had as much chance of falling in love with Sai Ya later as with any other woman he might marry on the Emperor's orders. It was much easier that way. If he would come to love her later, he would be happy because she would already be his wife. Even if didn't love her like his brother loved Zi Wei, he still liked her well enough. Falling in love with a girl before marrying only seemed to invite the possibility that she will be the last person you might be required to marry, and you'd have to go through hell and back to be with her, and even then, sometimes that's not enough. Both Er Kang and Wu Ah Ge have proved at least some of this.

So he would marry Sai Ya, because it's his duty to help his brother out of his predicament, because it was his duty to his monarch, and because she was a nice enough girl. All this, to his brother, might be all the wrong reasons, but to Er Tai, they were perfectly legitimate. He believed that even with these reasons he would be just as happy in marriage as his brother would be.


	29. Pain

**XXVIII. Pain**

* * *

_The first conflict, so to speak, of Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi's marriage._

* * *

It was a beautiful morning shortly into his marriage when Yong Qi woke up to a soft moan of pain beside him. He struggled awake and saw that it was still not completely light outside. He didn't bother with the light just yet and reached over, only to find that Xiao Yan Zi was lying with her back to him, facing the wall. His hand found hers in the dark and he squeezed it.

"Xiao Yan Zi?"

Xiao Yan Zi only answered him with another groan of discomfort and jerked her hand away.

"What's wrong? Are you all right?"

Again, there was no reply except a sniff from her.

Yong Qi was more awake now and lit the lamp on the bedside table. Then he propped up on his elbow, peering at Xiao Yan Zi. Her eyes scrunched up against the sudden light that filled the room, and there was an obvious expression of discomfort on her face. She was grimacing as if in intense pain and one hand pressed against her temple, the other covered her eyes.

Worry filled Yong Qi as he wondered what could possibly happen in the night to bring her such discomfort, especially when she had been perfectly fine the evening before. He touched her cheek gently and asked:

"What's the matter? Do you want me to call for the physician?"

Xiao Yan Zi just silently shook her head, grimacing even more, and again struggled against his touch.

"But you really look unwell, Xiao Yan Zi – "

He didn't even manage to finish his sentence before Xiao Yan Zi finally spoke in a decidedly sour and sarcastic voice.

"Really? I hadn't realised!"

For a moment, Yong Qi only stared at her, shocked and a little hurt at her sudden hostility. Then, pushing the hurt aside, he reached over to feel her forehead. It was completely cool to touch.

"Stop it, Yong Qi," she grumbled, pushing his hand away. "I'm not sick."

"But you're not well, either."

"I'll be fine in a moment," Xiao Yan Zi said irritably. "Just leave me alone."

"Leave you alone? Xiao Yan Zi, you're obviously not feeling well. Tell me what's wrong? What hurts?" he asked again, concerned but at the same time trying to mask his frustration at her sudden taciturn behaviour.

"I will be fine in a moment," Xiao Yan Zi repeated, this time through gritted teeth. She still hadn't opened her eyes and still looked uncomfortable, cradling her forehead with one hand.

"Are you sure?" Yong Qi insisted. "Do you want anything?"

"Yong Qi," Xiao Yan Zi snapped, quite unreasonably as far as Yong Qi was concerned, "what I want right now is for you to stop asking how I am and to leave me _alone_. Please, can you just do that one little thing? It'd probably make me feel a lot better."

"_All right_, then," Yong Qi said finally with annoyance.

He looked at her, shaking his head, completely at lost as to why she had suddenly turned so moody and snappy this morning. He was determined, however, to convince her later to see the physician, since she obviously was not feeling well, whatever she said.

After determining that Xiao Yan Zi was not about to say anything civil (or uncivil, come to think of it) to him again, Yong Qi gave another heavy sigh and decided to just get up and get dressed. He tucked the covers around her as he got out of bed and whispered, "Just stay in bed for a while and get some rest, all right?"

"Yes!" Xiao Yan Zi said snappishly, shaking her head slightly against his breath in her ear. "Can you _please_ stop talking now?"

It was only concern for her health that allowed Yong Qi to bite his lip and choke back an angry retort.

Ming Yue and Cai Xia chose that moment to knock softly at the door, bringing in the wash water. Yong Qi threw on his outer shirt and opened the door. As soon as the two maids saw their mistress lying wilted on the bed, an expression of understanding appeared on their faces and they seemed to make an effort to be as quiet as possible as to not disturb her.

As Ming Yue presented Yong Qi with the usual hot wash cloth to wash his face, he ventured to ask her, quietly, "Do you know – " he nodded in Xiao Yan Zi's direction. She still hadn't opened her eyes but had now pulled the covers over her head, groaning softly as she did so. Yong Qi suppressed another sigh. When Xiao Yan Zi hid under the covers, it couldn't possibly mean anything good.

Ming Yue didn't answer Yong Qi's question right away and just gave him a rather odd look, then quite bizarrely blushed. She struggled for a while before nodding towards the door and mouthed, "Later", all the while, still _blushing_. It was completely incomprehensible and rather disturbing.

Yong Qi realised that asking Ming Yue was about as successful as asking Xiao Yan Zi and just proceeded to get dressed. Meanwhile, both Ming Yue and Cai Xia were bending over Xiao Yan Zi, who was still covered by the blankets, speaking in hushed voices, so that Yong Qi could hardly make out what they were saying.

After he was dressed, he tapped Ming Yue on the shoulder and indicated the door. She hesitated again, _blushed again _(Heaven helped him!), but still, followed him out of the room. After the bedroom door was closed behind her, he got straight to the point.

"Do you know what's wrong with her this morning?"

"Um…yes."

She apparently didn't feel the need to elaborate on that answer and Yong Qi gave an impatient sigh.

"So what is wrong with her?"

Ming Yue bit her lip and looked around, as if expecting someone to come around the corner and save her from his line of questioning. Then she looked to the ceiling, as if expecting some miraculous answer to fall from the sky. All the while, Yong Qi was looking at her with growing annoyance, impatience and concern.

"What?" he demanded when she still didn't speak.

Ming Yue put on the air of someone answering under pure torture, looked only at her shoes and mumbled so incoherently that Yong Qi could hardly understand. What she said did nothing to answer his question, either.

"May I ask…was…was Ge Ge a bit…short-tempered this morning?"

"Yes!" Yong Qi answered indignantly. "What's wrong with her?"

"Well…Ge Ge is just…feeling a little unwell. I'm sure she'll feel better later in the day," Ming Yue said finally.

Her hesitant and uncomfortable voice, as well as the fact that she was shifting her weight from one foot to another like she was standing on hot coals, was not exactly reassuring. He let out an exasperated breath.

"I should just summon the physician!"

"No!" Ming Yue exclaimed so vehemently that Yong Qi stared at her. "Please, Wu Ah Ge, please don't summon the physician!"

"Why not?" he demanded.

Ming Yue looked uncomfortable again and stammered, "It's…this is just something trivial. Ge Ge will be fine in a moment, I promise, there's no need to bother the physician."

Since when did Ming Yue's knowledge of medicine surpass that of the imperial physician was what Yong Qi wanted to know. He asked in the most patient voice he could muster, "How do you know that?"

Ming Yue seemed bent on avoiding direct answers to his questions today and just said, "Cai Xia and I know how to make Ge Ge feel better. Please, Wu Ah Ge, can you just trust us?"

Yong Qi normally thought he would be able to trust them with Xiao Yan Zi's well-being, but this morning he was not so sure.

"How can you possibly know how to make her feel better? It's better to just call the physician, even if there's nothing serious, though it certainly looks like something very serious."

Ming Yue looked quite frustrated now, and Yong Qi could not possibly understand why. As if he was the only withholding information about Xiao Yan Zi's health from her!

"It's not…" she started, then stopped. She swallowed and then started again. "This illness of Ge Ge's happens on a regular basis. There isn't much the physician can do. There's no point in calling him!"

Yong Qi stared at Ming Yue with a mixture of disbelief and alarm.

"What do you mean, a regular basis?" he exclaimed. "And why won't – "

Ming Yue hastily interrupted:

"No, no, please don't worry, it's nothing serious. In fact, it's completely normal. It's just that there's no point in calling the physician!"

Yong Qi still had no idea what was wrong with Xiao Yan Zi and her answer did nothing to calm him. He was going to ignore her and have the eunuchs call for the physician anyway, but then Zi Wei's arrival was announced. Ming Yue looked up as if she had just grabbed hold of some gold.

"Zi Wei Ge Ge will be able to explain what's wrong with Ge Ge, sir!"

And with that, before he even had a chance to understand what she was saying and definitely before he dismissed her, Ming Yue positively fled into the bedroom again, almost slamming the door in his face.

Yong Qi could only stare at the door and rubbed his fingers at his own temples, feeling his own headache coming on from the very confusing morning. His very newly-wed wife suddenly was colder than ice towards him, though no argument had taken place, and his servant apparently would rather face his punishment for disobedience rather than answer what he considered some very simple questions.

Well, if Ming Yue thought Zi Wei might be able to explain Xiao Yan Zi's bizarre behaviour, he'd take a chance.

He met Zi Wei in the main hall and found her alone.

"You're here early. I thought you and Er Kang were going to come together later."

"Ah Ma wanted to speak to Er Kang about some state matters so I thought I'd come and see Xiao Yan Zi first. Where's Xiao Yan Zi?"

Yong Qi could not help the disgruntled expression forming on his face.

"She's still in bed."

Zi Wei barely hid her smile. "Trouble in paradise already?"

Yong Qi glared at her. "Don't tease me, Zi Wei. I have no idea what's wrong with her. She woke up this morning, obviously looking very unwell, and all I did was ask how she was and she positively threw a tantrum. To make things worst, Ming Yue and Cai Xia apparently know what's wrong with her but refuse to tell me. All I could get out of Ming Yue is that _you _might be able to explain what is wrong with Xiao Yan Zi this morning. So what _is _wrong with her?"

A look of understanding crossed Zi Wei's face, only to be replaced by the identical uncomfortable expression that Ming Yue held earlier. Yong Qi threw his hands up and exclaimed:

"Oh, for Heaven's sake, will you just stop with the look and just tell me? What is so horrible that you can't explain to me what's wrong with her?"

"You have to understand this is very difficult," Zi Wei said defensively. "I can't blame Ming Yue for struggling to tell you."

"_What_? She didn't tell me anything!"

Zi Wei sighed and like Ming Yue, didn't answer him directly. "Well, maybe it is a good thing I've come early this morning. Don't worry, Yong Qi, she'll - "

"Don't tell me she'll be fine! Just tell me what's wrong with her!" Yong Qi cried in frustration.

Zi Wei looked at him for a moment longer and then muttered, "I suppose you will have to know. Come with me into the study."

Yong Qi followed his sister into the study and closed the door behind them. When he faced Zi Wei again, he found that she was looking very uncomfortable and twisting her handkerchief in her hands.

"Well?" he demanded.

"First of all, you really must believe that Xiao Yan Zi is perfectly fine, there's nothing wrong with her, she's in perfect health."

"_Really_?" Yong Qi asked sarcastically.

"Really!" Zi Wei insisted. "This illness, for lack of better word, is common for her. It comes every month."

Yong Qi blinked. Zi Wei looked up at him with reddened cheeks and a pleading expression.

"Every month?" Yong Qi repeated blankly. "There's no way to stop it?"

Zi Wei looked even more uncomfortable. "No. Oh, _please_ tell me you know what I'm getting at!"

She really did look like she was being forced to reveal a deep dark secret at knife point. Yong Qi stared at her for a little longer while the information settled themselves in his head and his mind began to work around the evasions, the lack of coherent and direct answers...

"_Oh_."

He gave a hasty cough as he finally realised why both Ming Yue and Zi Wei were so evasive that morning. His sister was definitely not looking at him now and a rather thick, extremely awkward silence descended onto the room.

"So...you understand now?" Zi Wei asked uncomfortably after a long while.

Yong Qi only nodded. Zi Wei turned hastily to leave but Yong Qi couldn't release her so fast yet.

"Wait! But that really still doesn't explain why she's in pain!"

Zi Wei made an uncomfortable face again and if it was to do with anything other than Xiao Yan Zi's health, Yong Qi probably would not press the issue anymore. Heaven knew he definitely didn't _want _to know much more, but Xiao Yan Zi really did look sick that morning and he didn't want to take chances, either.

Zi Wei sighed and took a deep breath. "Well, um...every month, before...um...this happens, there are signs that it's coming and the signs can be really uncomfortable, like headaches and stomach aches. It's not really serious health-wise and it just appears. How strong the pain is depends on the person and unfortunately for Xiao Yan Zi, she suffers it quite badly. Usually for a couple of days she wakes up with a huge headache and stomach ache, and it really does fade after a while. There's really nothing to do except just wait until it does. It's just something that happens every month. It's not particularly comfortable, as you can tell and that's why she's so snappy at you. She reacts like that to the first person who disturbs her on a morning like this."

"Why? All I did was ask her how she was!" Yong Qi cried.

Zi Wei sighed. "Yong Qi, there's no _why_. She's not reasonable, or more unreasonable than usual, when she's in pain. She's just feeling really bad and she might know you're just concerned but she doesn't want to be reminded that she's feeling bad so she snaps at you. She hates being asked how she is when she's like this. Ming Yue, Cai Xia and I learnt this really early on. I guess...it's something that you would only find out when you live with her. If you don't want her to flare up at you on these days, don't mention her health, especially so early in the morning. She's trying to drive away the pain, you don't have to remind her of it."

"Right," Yong Qi said slowly, still not really understanding. "But if she feels this ill every month, how come I never saw any sign of it?"

"Well, usually she doesn't get out of bed until she feels a little better and she's better at ignoring it around people who don't know it's happening. As I said, it's just something you notice about her only when you start living with her. She doesn't mean to be bad-tempered, it's just she's not having a great time and just wants to release that frustration somehow. Just ignore her tirades and try to make her feel comfortable. Nothing is really wrong with her, it will pass by tonight."

If Yong Qi was being honest, this was not exactly a subject he ever wanted to know much about, let alone learn it from _Zi Wei_, but her words did manage to somewhat put him at ease.

"I hope so," Yong Qi said. "Is it really that bad?"

"Well, for Xiao Yan Zi, it is. I've never met anyone who has it as bad as she does." Zi Wei stopped for a moment, then put on a comforting expression. "It's nothing to be concerned about, Yong Qi, really. It's not even always very bad _every _month, but I think you might have caught her on a bad day."

Yong Qi frowned. "So, what do I do? Just ignore it?"

"Just don't ask her how she is and try to get her to relax. Oh make sure she eats because she usually doesn't want to when she's feeling so bad, but don't be too pushy about it. Or, otherwise, just leave it to Ming Yue and Cai Xia, they know what to do."

Yong Qi nodded. Zi Wei waited a beat and when he didn't seem to want to ask anymore, she took her chance to escape.

"I'll come in to see how Xiao Yan Zi is. You don't have to wait for us to break fast."

"I'll wait," Yong Qi said. Zi Wei merely gave him a smile before leaving the room.

* * *

Zi Wei entered the bedroom to find Xiao Yan Zi sitting at the dressing table, still in her night clothes, with her head down on her arms, eyes closed, moaning in pain.

"You could just go back to bed for a while, Ge Ge," Ming Yue suggested tentatively.

"No, just give me a minute," Xiao Yan Zi groaned. "I can't be bothered getting back to bed now that I'm up already."

"Hi," Zi Wei said softly as none of them gave a sign that they knew she had come into the room. Ming Yue and Cai Xia turned around and curtsied to her, then stepped aside so that she could come up to stand next to Xiao Yan Zi.

Xiao Yan Zi blearily opened her eyes and looked up at Zi Wei, not bothering to lift her head.

"Zi Wei."

Zi Wei turned to the two maids and said, "You two go get breakfast ready. I'll help Xiao Yan Zi get ready."

"Yes, Ge Ge."

After they left, Zi Wei rubbed Xiao Yan Zi's neck and asked, "Bad morning?"

"The worst," Xiao Yan Zi groaned. "I hate it, I hate it, _I hate it_. I feel like my head is going to split into two. I just want it to go away."

"It will."

"Not for hours and hours yet."

"Well, if it's any consolation, Yong Qi can't be having the greatest morning ever, either."

"I know, I was so mean to him," Xiao Yan Zi moaned. "It's just…"

"It's all right, I explained a couple of things to him."

"What?" Xiao Yan Zi asked weakly, trying to lift her head to look at Zi Wei. Her voice would have sounded alarmed if she could have managed it. "You explained things to him? What kind of things?"

"Just what you're going through, and why."

Xiao Yan Zi dropped her head heavily on her arms again. "Zi Wei, _why_? It's embarrassing enough."

Zi Wei laughed. "Don't worry, I didn't tell him any gory details. Just the general ideas. It wasn't exactly the most comfortable conversation, but he'd have to know some things anyway, now that he's living with you."

"I cannot believe you talked to my husband about my period."

Zi Wei laughed harder. "How about I talked to my brother about your period?"

"That's worst." Xiao Yan Zi laughed, then winced immediately. "Don't make me laugh. It hurts to laugh."

"Come on, I'll help you get dressed. Yong Qi is waiting with breakfast."

"I so don't want breakfast today."

"I know, you never do on these days."

They didn't mention anything about this at breakfast, which was just as well. Later that morning, after Zi Wei had left, Ming Yue and Cai Xia drew Xiao Yan Zi a hot bath, to which they added a generous amount of herbs.

Afterwards, she went and looked for Yong Qi in the study.

"Hey," he said, smiling at her as she entered. She gave a soft smile back. As she approached his seat, she held out her hand and he took it, kissing the palm her hand gently.

She perched herself on the arm of his chair and leaned her head onto his shoulder. "Sorry I was so horrible to you this morning."

Yong Qi still held her hand gave her a wry smile. "It was hardly the first time you've been unreasonably angry at me and I daresay won't be the last."

"Yong Qi!" Xiao Yan Zi exclaimed.

"Well, it's true!" he said with a deadpan expression.

Xiao Yan Zi lifted her head and looked him reproachfully, about to retort. Then she sighed and said nothing. He squeezed her hand and continued.

"But you know if snapping at me make you feel better, then by all means."

Xiao Yan Zi wrinkled her nose. "I cannot believe Zi Wei told you."

"Well, I have to say it was a rather weird conversation to have with one's sister. Or, to be honest, to have with _anyone_. I'm glad she told me something, I was very concerned."

"I know," Xiao Yan Zi said. "Though I suppose you're stuck with me now."

Yong Qi smiled. "And what's wrong with that?"

"Well, you should know you're going to have to endure this morning's scene on a regular basis now."

"Well, it's too late for me to regret it now," Yong Qi smiled. "As you said, I'm stuck with you."

Xiao Yan Zi glared at him. Yong Qi stroked her arm soothingly. "Though now that I know what's going on, I can deal with it better than I did this morning," he appeased.

Xiao Yan Zi gave him a wan smile. "You didn't handle it badly, I did. As usual. You sure you're not angry at me for this morning?"

"Do I look angry at you?"

"No, but..."

"Xiao Yan Zi, I am _not_ angry at you," Yong Qi said. "I _was_ a bit hurt this morning that you didn't seem to appreciate my concern but now that I know why, everything is all right."

Xiao Yan Zi looked at him tenderly for a moment, then sighed contentedly. "What did I do to deserve you?"

"I ask myself that question regarding you, everyday," Yong Qi smiled, kissing her forehead. "I do love you, Xiao Yan Zi."

She smiled and nestled her head against his neck again. "I know."

* * *

_A/N: Um...yeah. I don't think I have to say anything about this, except that if you're male (and I am sure all my readers are female) and stumbled on this, I hope you didn't read this far. _


	30. Home

**XXIX. Home**

* * *

_On a trip to Xiao Yan Zi's place of birth, Yong Qi stumbled on the key to a part of her past that even Xiao Jian did not know._

* * *

_Hangzhou really is beautiful, _Yong Qi thought, urging his horse along the banks of the lake. Next time, he would bring Xiao Yan Zi. She surely would love it here and she deserved to be here, to get to know the place where she was born, with all its beauty.

He had loathed to leave Xiao Yan Zi in Beijing for this trip, but it was necessary. The issue that sent him to Hangzhou had to be handled swiftly and discreetly, and even if Xiao Yan Zi was in the condition to travel, she would be more of a sweet distraction from the work he needed to concentrate on. She had wanted to come; after all, it was her birthplace. But as it was, no one would think of allowing her to travel when she was five months with child and when, traveling without her, he would be back in two months.

So, trusting Xiao Yan Zi to Zi Wei's care, he made for Hangzhou, the place where she was born but did not remember. The mission had been successfully handled, and he would eagerly head back to Beijing the next day. For today, he'd spend the cool late spring day admiring the land that previously he didn't have the time to truly appreciate.

He wandered away from the lake and into a grassy field dotted with wild purple flowers, a carpet so thick that his horse's hooves made no sound on it. Looking around the beautiful scenery, he found himself missing Xiao Yan Zi and wishing again that she was here with him. There was something so very serene about the place where he was, and they needed some peace. He had once thought that marriage would bring them that peace, but their first year of marriage had so far been full of shocking revelation that he had to wonder whether he should give up on the idea of a peaceful life with Xiao Yan Zi.

By now, Yong Qi was sure that there was some lines of fate that tied his family and Xiao Yan Zi's together. After his wedding, his normally so sensible cousin seemed constantly lost in the cloud and it wasn't long before Zi Wei managed to get Qing Er to confess that she had developed a tendre for Xiao Jian. It was obvious that he felt the same, but for a long time, Xiao Jian seemed positively reluctant to admit or act on these feelings. In fact, after knowing that Qing Er felt the same, Xiao Jian somehow was even more determined to walk away from her, much to Xiao Yan Zi's confusion and anger. Er Kang and Zi Wei were both suspiciously supportive of Xiao Jian not pursuing Qing Er despite their mutual feelings and it was this that alerted Yong Qi that something fishy was going between his two brothers-in-law and his sister. After a long chain of dramatic events that could only happen to them, Xiao Jian finally told Qing Er, Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi the truth regarding her parents' deaths. He also admitted that he knew Qing Er would not be able to bear leaving Lao Fo Ye, Lao Fo Ye would not allow Qing Er to marry an untitled man with no place in court. Even with Xiao Yan Zi holding him back in Beijing, Xiao Jian wanted nothing to do with a position in court, and if Lao Fo Ye ever knew his real identity, it was unlikely that he could ever be given a position, let alone be allowed anywhere near Qing Er.

To say that the revelation was a shock and a blow to both Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi was an understatement. Strangely enough, though, it was this truth that eventually draw them closer still, and strengthened their love. Xiao Yan Zi's first instinct had been to run away and not face the truth at all, and the second thing she thought of was revenge. But in the end, her love for won out against both thoughts. For this, Yong Qi was admittedly shocked and understandably relieved. It wasn't that he didn't believe that Xiao Yan Zi loved him that much, it was just that usually when it came to shocks like this, it didn't seem like she would trust her love to take her through it. It was one of those things that he was always terrified him, that one day, something about the differences in their circumstances, in their upbringing, would eventually cause her to cut and run. For a painful moment, it seemed that this truth about her parents was it.

She didn't, in the end and Yong Qi loved her even more for it. After all the trials of facing the truth about her parents together, he was sure he could never take her for granted again.

There was still the question of what to do about the situation between Qing Er and Xiao Jian, of course, and whether to tell Huang Ah Ma at all. (Telling Lao Fo Ye was out of the question; Yong Qi didn't want to tempt the thin ice that was Lao Fo Ye's grudging approval of Xiao Yan Zi.) All the digging that Er Kang and Yong Qi did in file archives of court cases revealed very little that Xiao Jian couldn't already tell them. It was a standard case of literary treason. Xiao Yan Zi's father wrote a poem - which Yong Qi had to admit (though not out loud to Xiao Yan Zi ) screamed of rebellion - and his entire clan was sentenced to death. The only thing that would have made a difference was whether he _really _harboured treasonous thoughts, and would have tried to overthrow the emperor, or the poem was just an outlet to his discontent that he would otherwise live with. To hear Xiao Jian tell it, it was unclear either way. In any case, any information Xiao Jian had about his father and the case was hear-say from his adopted father, and thus biased, anyway; it wasn't as if Xiao Jian remembered any of it.

They were in a limbo, really. No one knew how exactly the emperor would react if he knew, and no one was quite confident enough to suggest risking it. Qing Er and Xiao Jian were still trying to keep their feelings a secret from those outside of their little group, though Yong Qi was sure Lao Fo Ye wasn't fooled. She just wasn't encouraging the feelings in Qing Er either. He was sure, as far as Lao Fo Ye was concerned, between the pair of brother and sister, Yong Qi being married to Xiao Yan Zi was quite enough.

The issue that took Yong Qi to Hangzhou at that moment seemed somehow fateful. Xiao Jian had told them that after he left Dali, he had only passed through Hangzhou once, partly to find any remains of his family's estate (there wasn't) or find his parents' graves (he couldn't). The only connection he did end up finding was Xiao Yan Zi's old nurse who had been charged with taking her to Beijing, to put her in the care of a family who was close friends with their father. What he found out was that the nurse didn't even do that, but instead had left Xiao Yan Zi at the nunnery where she had grown up and returned to Hangzhou by herself. When Xiao Jian went to Beijing, and before meeting them at Hui Bin Lou, he had found out that the family who was to raise Xiao Yan Zi had since then moved away from Beijing and no one knew where they were.

Yong Qi had found next to nothing in the court files available in Hangzhou that would tell them more about the case either. He supposed it was lucky that he had access to to the files at all, but being him had its advantages. It wasn't as if anyone would question why a prince would need to see all the records made about a case from twenty years earlier.

* * *

Yong Qi looked around and found that he had reached a sparse grove of trees. Wishing to stretch his legs, he got down from the horse and tied him to a nearby tree. He knew he was some distance away from the bustle of town, judging by how long he had been riding out. The tree grove was totally deserted except for him and the horse.

He wandered aimlessly around the trees, thinking of Hangzhou, and of Xiao Yan Zi. How would she be, if her parents had lived? She would be here, and likely they'd never meet. She wouldn't be _Xiao Yan Zi _then, she'd be Fang Ci. Fang Ci would have grown up a lady, properly educated, demure and gentle. Yong Qi chuckled quietly to himself at the thought. He really couldn't imagine his Xiao Yan Zi as the kind of lady as she should have been. Someone like Zi Wei, perhaps.

Even if they did meet, he was sure he would never have fallen in love with Fang Ci like he did Xiao Yan Zi. Certainly, Fang Ci and Xiao Yan Zi would have the same beautiful eyes that still robbed him of breath and the same kind heart that would want to help everyone and anyone unfortunate around her. In some way, they would be same. But in others, Fang Ci would not see the world the same way Xiao Yan Zi did. Fang Ci would hardly have the boldness and recklessness that allowed her to push all limits to do something that she felt was right. Kind and beautiful girls there were plenty, but few would have Xiao Yan Zi's conviction.

The very idea of not loving Xiao Yan Zi was painful even as Yong Qi thought about it. Now that he knew what thrill and happiness loving her brought to his life, the idea of living without it was unbearable. The truth was, for them to have ever met, for him to have ever loved her, things had to have happened like it did. Her parents had to die the way they did, even if it was directly at his father's hands. It only meant that now, his love would have to make up for all the loss that she suffered over the years.

* * *

He stopped abruptly in his path as something other than just trees rose from the flat ground. Near the base of a willow raised an earthy mound, covered in the same grass that grew all around it. Only a simple headstone with two names stood marking the double grave.

Usually lone graves in the middle of nowhere like this were unmarked, possibly because the person who died and those who buried them were too poor to bring the body back to bury in the ancestral graveyard - if there was one at all. Anyway, why mark a grave that was placed in seemingly so random a location, so secluded and deserted that few people would stumble into it?

Yong Qi peered down curiously to read the names, not expecting them to make any impression. However, the words carved on stone gave him so much shock that his knees gave way and he stumbled down to the ground in front of the grave. There were only six characters on the stone, but it was enough to make him gape in amazement.

_Fang Zhi Hang._

_Du Xue Yin. _

Was this fate or merely a coincident? Could such a coincident ever happen? Or was he really just seeing things?

But no, no matter how many times he blinked, the names on the headstone remained unchanged.

Of all the things he thought he could encounter on this trip to Hangzhou, somehow finding Xiao Yan Zi's parents' grave seemed to never have occurred to him. After all, hadn't even Xiao Jian concluded that there was never a grave in the first place? But perhaps Xiao Jian just wasn't looking in the right places. Then again, it wasn't as if Yong Qi was actually looking for it. Somehow, that made the fact that he stumbled on this grave seem even more predestined. There surely couldn't be anything accidental and coincidental about this.

If it wasn't coincidental, then could Xiao Yan Zi's parents somehow wanted him to come here? Or was it just another of Heaven's way of playing jokes on them?

As Yong Qi looked at the two names in front of him, an overwhelming wave of emotions came over him. Here were two people without whom his Xiao Yan Zi would never have existed. And yet here was also a man who possibly at some point wanted Yong Qi's father dead, who might as well have been sentenced to death by Yong Qi's father.

The clash of the two truths never felt so biting, so painful as it did now. It was only until now that Yong Qi realised that far away, back in Beijing, the concept of her father's possibly rebellious political stance and the reasons for his death were still somewhat abstract and surreal. Here, now, faced with his remains beneath the cold earth, Yong Qi finally realised how truly tenuous things could be between him and Xiao Yan Zi, if they get into too much details of their circumstances.

After all, who did they owe their loyalty to? Could their love truly conquer all if she was here with him now, facing what was left of her mother and father who gave her life, and knowing that it was his father was the reason for their lives being taken away from them? He hoped that even if she was here now, she would love him all the same, because he did love her still, despite of everything. But he wasn't the one who had to grow up not knowing who he was, not knowing his parents, like she did. He had all the reasons to forget the past, all because he loved her. But she had every reason to hold on to that past, to resent and hate those who made her past the way it was; in the end, would her love be enough to surpass it?

Even if it was enough, there would still be the guilt. She would never admit it to him, but he knew that somewhere deep inside of her, she battled with forgiving herself for loving him and Huang Ah Ma so. He knew she would never really get over her feelings of guilt for her parents regarding her love for him, and his heart ached at the thought. How could something as precious and beautiful as the love they shared be somehow considered wrong? Yet in a way, it was, all because of who he was, of what his father did a long time ago.

Could they see him now, he wondered. Did they see everything that ever happened between him and Xiao Yan Zi? Did they see all the things that he and Xiao Yan Zi went through to get to where they were today? Did they understand how desperately he hoped for her happiness, safety and comfort? Did they know how very much he loved their daughter?

And did they rejoice for his and Xiao Yan Zi's happiness, or did they, too, wanted to see them apart?

* * *

Yong Qi wasn't sure how long he knelt at the grave before he began to notice the odd things about it. This wasn't an abandoned grave. No, it was far from it. The grass that should grow in uneven tufts, coarse and dry, was trimmed neat and even. Most startling of all was that at the base of the headstone was an earthen incense jar. Yong Qi wasn't sure how he missed it earlier. Perhaps he got too caught up in the shock of the actual grave in the first place.

It was clear that someone was regularly taking care of the grave, because the remains of the incense sticks in showed varying stages of wear, indicating that someone regularly burned incense there. In fact, there were a few sticks that couldn't look more than a few days old.

Who would tend to this grave, when even their son wasn't even aware that the grave existed? According to Xiao Jian, most of his closest relatives were also killed along with his parents, and apparently there were no one left close enough that could call Xiao Jian back to Hangzhou after all these months.

Yong Qi slowly got back to his feet and an odd sense of excitement and anticipation coursed through him. It was clear that he couldn't leave Hangzhou without finding out just who had been tending to the grave of his in-laws. He owed both Xiao Yan Zi and Xiao Jian that much at least.

However, it soon became obvious that simply going around looking for this person was like looking for a needle in a haystack. In what remained of that afternoon, he couldn't find any persons dwelling anywhere nearby to even start to ask about the grave. Clearly they probably didn't live nearby, and he supposed it made sense, seeing as in the beginning it must be rather dangerous to be seen anywhere near a grave bearing the names of two people executed for such crimes. There was no clue on the grave as to how he might find them. It was clear that the only thing to do was to visit the grave everyday with the hope of running into them. At least, the bright side was, he wouldn't have to wait for long. From what he could tell of the remains of incense, whoever lit them came often enough that he should run into them by the full moon at the latest.

So, as much as he wanted to race back to Beijing to Xiao Yan Zi, he waited out a few more days in Hangzhou. The idea didn't sit well with the officials who came with him from Beijing.

"Pardon me, Wu Ah Ge, but this morning you were eager and ready to leave tomorrow," one man ventured to question his decision.

"And now I find that I still have some business that require me to stay for a few days longer still. It should not be more than ten days."

The looks they gave each other told him that they dearly wished to ask him what that business was. He was sure that in the end they wouldn't though, even if it meant that they now had to make themselves stay as well.

"You are perfectly welcome to return to Beijing first." He hoped they would take him up on the offer, as he had no intention of letting them know what he would be up to.

"No, no, of course if you wish to stay, we would be totally at your disposal - "

Yong Qi bit back a sigh and tuned out the rest of their answer about how they were perfectly happy to remain with him. He could practically mouth it along with them, as predictable as it was. They were, of course, lying through their teeth, but apparently it was only crime punishable by death if you lied to the emperor. Babysitters, the lot of them were. He almost wanted to tell them that he was perfectly capable of staying in Hangzhou and returning to Beijing by himself, but he knew it wouldn't make any difference. It seemed that none of them really wanted to explain to the emperor why they would return before him, so stay they would, even though they didn't want to, and neither did he, really. Yong Qi simply nodded his appreciation and after a little more inconsequential conversation, left for his room.

* * *

Yong Qi was surprised at how accurate his prediction ended up being. A couple of days later, he returned to the grave to find a middle-aged woman kneeling in front of the grave. Her eyes were closed in prayer and it was clear she had not heard him yet. It was clear that she had been the one who took care of the grave, as beside the incense pot now lay a plate piled with fruit.

Yong Qi stood quietly for a moment, wondering what exactly he would say to her when she turned around. Even though this was exactly what he wanted to happen and expected to happen, he had no idea what he would do when it did happen. He didn't know who she was and her relationship to the Fang family. The even more pressing issue was that he had no idea what about him that he should reveal now to her.

He was so lost in his thought that only her gasp as she turned around and saw him broke him out of his reverie. They stared at each other for a long moment, she in horror and he in curiosity. Then she turned back to the grave and stared at the incense jar, no doubt taking note of the remains of his incense from the days before, before turning back to him with a look that was now less wary and more puzzled.

Finally, when it was clear that she wasn't about to speak, he asked, "You are the person who has been taking care of this grave?"

She merely nodded. For a moment longer, she still didn't speak, but still looked at him questioningly. Then, finally, she spoke. "Did you light the incense on the grave?"

"Yes."

"Why? Who are you?"

For an almost absurd moment, Yong Qi thought of telling her the truth.

_I am the Fifth Prince and my father ordered the death of Fang Zhi Hang and his entire family over twenty years ago. _

This wasn't entirely accurate, of course, and neither would it down well.

He hid a smile at the thought and said simply, "I know the people who lie here."

"You can't do, you are too young to have known them."

"Well, to be more accurate, I know of them."

"How?" Her tone was back to wary now.

Yong Qi observed her, contemplating his answer. He still had no idea who she was, but it was clear that if she had been taking care of the grave, she might be able to tell him more about Xiao Yan Zi's past, perhaps even more than Xiao Jian ever knew. It was clear that she would not tell him anything when she didn't know who he was. He would have to give her reason to trust him first. How did he do that without blurting out the whole complicated relationship?

In the end, he settled for the most important truth.

"I am married to their daughter."

"What?" Her answer came out in a breathless gasp. It was clear that of all the answers he could have given, this was the last she expected.

"Fang Ci," he said. It felt strange to call her this. "She is my wife."

She gaped at him. Then, either she was in shock and not thinking properly, or despite her earlier wariness, she was in general not of suspicious nature, she said, "You are married to my Xiao jie? Oh, how is she?" There was much more feeling in her voice now, as if she was trying to hold back tears and her real enthusiasm.

_Xiao jie_. It took Yong Qi a breath to connect those two words to Xiao Yan Zi. He nearly laughed. The words somehow sounded much too elegant to be spoken about his wife. And to think, if she had remained in Hangzhou, she surely would have grown up to be that perfect lady from a well-to-do family.

"Xiao jie?" he only asked. The way the woman spoke of Xiao Yan Zi already told him many things, but he wanted to know exactly who the woman was before continuing this conversation. "You served her family?"

She hesitated for a while, but then apparently came to the same conclusion he did. They needed to give each other some reason to open up and it was her turn to give information.

"I used to nurse her when she was a baby."

Strange feelings of curiosity mixed with indignation and confusion met Yong Qi as he took in this information. There was only one nurse that he knew of, and neither Xiao Yan Zi's dim memories nor Xiao Jian had complimentary things to say about her.

"You are the one who took her to Beijing."

"Yes."

Her answer was so simple that Yong Qi had to press on.

"Then you left her at a nunnery and went off by yourself."

Even if his tone wasn't accusatory, his words betrayed the attitude. But the nurse seemed to feel neither offence or guilt. Yong Qi wasn't sure which absence was more disturbing.

"Yes," she said again but this time, her voice tinged with wistfulness. It was clear from her voice that there was more to this abandonment that Xiao Jian knew or ever cared to think about, especially when after leaving Xiao Yan Zi, she returned to Hangzhou to take care of her parents' grave for all these years.

"What happened?" he asked, more softly this time.

"How do I trust you?"

"I don't know," Yong Qi admitted. "I suppose I could tell you that the place where you left Xiao Ci is called Bai Yun Si, and that a couple of years ago you met her brother, Fang Yan, or Xiao Jian as I know him, here in Hangzhou and told him as much. However, clearly you didn't tell him that you've been looking after his parents' grave all these years or even where the grave was because he is still under the impression that there isn't one. There is also a question of how do I trust _you_?"

She didn't answer his question right away, but just said, "You know Shao ye? You've met him? They found each other after all?"

"Yes."

It was clear that as much as he wanted her to tell him about why she did all that, she was just as eager to ask him about Xiao Yan Zi and Xiao Jian. So in the end, she suggested that they returned to her house to sit down and have what undoubtedly would be a very interesting conversation.

Along the way, Yong Qi told her the basics. His name was Ai Qi. Xiao Yan Zi grew up in the temple and later ran away. Eventually she met his sister and befriended her and that was how he met her. They married. They met Xiao Jian, who eventually revealed to be her brother and told her of who she was, who her parents were and how they died.

There was enough to say and it sounded complicated enough without going into all the details about who Yong Qi really was.

Eventually they reached a thatched cottage on a far edge of the lake, and it was, as he predicted quite a distance away and secluded from the main ways into town. Once they were inside and before he could ask any other question, she spoke. It was as if she had kept all these secrets to herself all these year and needed to pour them out now. He didn't know what exactly it was about all the things he told her that allowed her to trust him then, but the way she was talking showed that everything she said had to be true. There was no faking how the truth flowed.

"I served my mistress even before she married the master. I was raised in her father's house and served her almost my whole life. When she married, I came with her to her husband's house. Later, an marriage was arranged for me, and it was a good marriage as far as I knew. Then my husband died and no long after that, also my newborn and only child. So my mistress took me back, and instead of being her maid, I would be nursemaid to her daughter."

Here, she stopped for a moment and looked up at Yong Qi. "Sir, you have met Shao ye, my mistress' son and heard his version of how she and the master died. Did you get the impression that he somehow thought they were wrongfully accused and that some great injustice was done to them?"

"Yes," Yong Qi answered simply. He thought of elaborating on it, but it would mean going into all the details he didn't want to reveal.

The truth was, if he listened to Xiao Jian's story with a perfectly indifferent mindset and thought only of the law, then the sentence was harsh, but not unearned. In every dynasty there were cases of rebellious speech and writing, and they all met the same ends. One could not stop discontent thoughts, but to express thoughts thoughts in speech and writing went against all the principles on which their society was founded. It wasn't just their dynasty that suppressed them.

But for Xiao Jian, the way his parents died didn't seem to be the consequences of his father's expression of his thoughts which should best be kept hidden. To Xiao Jian, it _was_ injustice (and perhaps it was to leave two so very young children parentless, but that was an entire different argument altogether), and such injustice was to be avenged.

Avenged, as if there was such thing. As if such a case ever reached the emperor except in a report of the proceedings when it was all over. It was all too straight-forward and all laid out in the law. Whoever trialed the case would simply lay down the punishment and only needed to report it afterwards. In fact, Yong Qi's search in Hangzhou showed that, predictably, the case was handled at the provincial level and it certainly wasn't his father who signed the death warrant. The case wasn't that notorious yet.

Not, of course, that this could be considered a comfort for Xiao Jian or Xiao Yan Zi, but it did make Xiao Jian's original target of revenge seem rather misdirected.

Yong Qi pulled himself out of his thoughts to listen to the nurse as she started speaking again.

"The thing was, it wasn't injustice, as far as the law was concerned, and my mistress knew that. That was why..." She stopped for a moment, gathering her thoughts. "No, I must start even before that."

"The master came from a very distinguished line, who served the imperial court going back all the way to the Ming Dynasty. He was a proud man, and though he had entered the civil service to please his father, he didn't enjoy the prospect of working for a Manchu emperor. He was not deluded enough to think that a rebellion could happen at this point and that the Manchu could be overthrown, but he wasn't entire opposed to the idea. If such thing could be achieved and someone started the spark, he certainly would help fan the fire. I think it was simply for the sake of his wife and children that he didn't take a more vocal stance about it."

Yong Qi let her talk without interruption. It was clear that she was only this candid because she knew nothing of who he was. It didn't matter, he highly doubted there would be anything that would shock him about his father-in-law's political and social opinion.

"My mistress was educated and understood the danger of such mindset could potentially bring to the family and to the master's position. However she was also brought up to never question her husband. She only confided her fears to me. But for a long while, it seemed as long as the master didn't go through town bragging of his opinion then no one would know. Whatever he expressed in his poems and writing, he did keep hidden, for his family's sake. But he had enemies and that was always a bad thing. They exposed his writing and he was arrested soon enough. My mistress always knew that once the case was on trial, it was only a matter of formality. The sentence was clear from the beginning. She knew the master would never escape death and she was willing enough to go with him. But she couldn't bear the thought of both the children sharing the same fate too. The master had two sworn brothers who he met before his marriage among his travels. One lived in Dali and one in Beijing. So to save the children, she sent Shao ye to the Su family down south and sent me with Xiao jie to the north."

"Why not send them both to the same place? Why set it up so that they would have to look for each other years later?"

"The officials knew that they had children. Once it was out that the children were sent away, they would be looking for two of them. Having them separate would reduce the risk of being found. The thing was, though in her letter to the Su family, my mistress told them that she was sending Xiao jie to the Jiang family in Beijing, this was never my mistress' plan at all."

"_What_?" Yong Qi exclaimed, sitting straight up and looking intently at her. This was something that he didn't expect to come out of this story.

"She knew the Jiang family shared the master's discontent with the ruling emperor. While they certainly would take care of Xiao jie and treat her as their own daughter, sending her there also meant that they would raise her in this mindset as well, and perhaps even put thoughts of revenge into her head. In fact, originally, it was the master's wish that Shao ye would be sent to the north and Xiao jie to the south. How much of this plan meant that he thought it would allow Shao ye to later avenge him for his death, I don't know. But my mistress for the first time in her life went against his wishes and sent Shao ye to the south. Away from Beijing, from the court, with a family who had no connection to magistrates and officials and the court whatsoever, there was a better chance that he would grow up and live his life, instead of chasing the past. She didn't want him to come to question how his parents died, because otherwise he wouldn't be able to live. And he is the last male line of the Fang family. The family could only be carried on through him. She didn't want Xiao jie to grow up with that discontent either and though she knew she was probably sacrificing Xiao jie's security and comfort, she wanted me to still take Xiao jie to Beijing, but then raise her on my own, not to take her to the Jiang family."

"But you didn't stay with her. You left her alone!"

She looked at him with a slight smile. "You are very preoccupied with this fact. You must care about her a great deal."

"Of course! She is my wife and I didn't marry her because the matchmaker said so!"

"I fell ill and we collapsed on the door of Bai Yun Si. The nuns there took us in and nursed me back to health. I would have stayed with her and raised her like my mistress wanted but I knew I could never allow her to call me 'mother'. And if she didn't, one day she would ask where her mother was. I wasn't sure that I would be able to lie to her forever. I didn't want to have to lie to her. But I wasn't sure whether she would understand that it was the law that killed her parents, and that only law was to blame. My mistress' greatest wish was for her children to never think that her and the master's deaths were someone's 'fault' and that must be repaid. But I wasn't sure I could stop Xiao jie from thinking that when I would eventually have to tell her the truth. So I thought, perhaps it was better that she never knew who she was. And from what I saw, there were some homeless orphans being raised at the nunnery already and I knew the nuns there would take care of her."

"So you left."

"Yes. I felt guilty for not being able to do what my mistress asked of me and take care of her. I didn't want to leave her like that either, she was such a beautiful child and I loved her dearly. But I looked at that innocence and I knew I couldn't let it be destroyed by something as ugly as revenge. I couldn't see any other way. The only thing I could do was come back here and continue taking care of my mistress and the master's grave in hope that eventually, their children would find me and I could hand over the duty to them."

Yong Qi stared at her in disbelief. What she just said contradicted everything she did once she did meet Xiao Jian!

"But Xiao Jian did find you and you told him none of this. You didn't even tell him there was a grave. Why not?"

"Because...because it was clear from the beginning one of the most important things to him was the one thing that my mistress never wanted him to think of: revenge. I was afraid, if he knew of his parents' grave, he would swear to them that he would avenge them, then the idea would be just even more entrenched in his mind. I was afraid that if knew how strongly his father felt against the Manchu that it would just reinforce his determination."

"And you didn't think to tell him of exactly how his mother didn't want him to get revenge?" Yong Qi asked forcefully. "Don't you think that would have made a difference?"

"The truth is, I wasn't sure it would," she answered sadly. She paused for a moment before continuing. "Does he still want revenge now?"

"No."

But that was now, and even now, Yong Qi wasn't entirely convinced of his resolve either. For Xiao Yan Zi's sake, he knew Xiao Jian wouldn't do anything stupid, but it did seem that Xiao Yan Zi was his only reason. And judging from the way Xiao Jian looked at the emperor sometimes, Yong Qi wondered whether he would have to risk his life against Xiao Jian's at some point anyway.

"Forgive me, but you don't sound convinced, sir."

Yong Qi didn't answer and the silence spoke for itself.

After a long time, he finally said, "Perhaps he does need more time to come to terms with it, but Xiao...Xiao Ci would be able to stop him even if he did feel tempted. She does not wish for him to kill someone, especially when nothing would be achieved through it. It wouldn't bring their parents back, and it would only guarantee his death. She had lived long enough without a family that she would never let him risk his life like that."

The nurse looked relieved at Yong Qi's words. "That was what I was hoping when I told him where his sister was. I had hoped that being raised in that environment she would be able to understand forgiveness and teach it to him. Or perhaps, I also hoped that if he found her, the idea of her would dissuade him. After all, if he seeks revenge, then fail or succeed, neither of them would escape death. Then all their mother's efforts to hide them all those years ago would be lost. Then again, even if he did want revenge, I suppose it would still be rather hard considering the person he wanted to kill."

_Not difficult at all, _Yong Qi thought wearily. _Fate had a way of turning it all around so that it was all too easy if he ever really wanted to kill. _

But to the nurse, he simply nodded his agreement.

"That is my version of the story, sir," the nurse said after a while. "I cannot say I rejoice in the choices I had to make and I wonder everyday still whether my mistress would forgive me for them. But I made them, perhaps they were foolish at the time, I didn't want to tempt fate to go the way I feared either. I don't know whether I would do any different if I could do it all again."

Yong Qi gave a sigh and shook his head to clear the confusing mess that the story and everything else that he knew had made in his head. Wasn't he just thinking that if Xiao Yan Zi never went to Beijing, he would never meet her? If the nurse hadn't left Xiao Yan Zi when she did, it was unlikely that they would ever meet either. It was all a matter of doing the right thing at the right place at the right time. Even Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei's meeting seemed like a case of that. Perhaps Heaven did plan it all to happen like this. There were too many strings tying them together for any of their meeting and interactions to have been coincidences.

The nurse didn't seem to want to urge him to speak and let him sit in silent contemplation. But eventually, Yong Qi found that he needed to break the silence.

"Why did you tell me all this? You really don't have any reason to. You have no guarantee except my word that I really am who I said."

"Yet all the things you know about Xiao jie and Shao ye show that you must have a close relationship to them to have all that information. And those details added together confirm that they could only be my mistress' children. As for you, sir, I know you have no told me your whole identity. I suppose I will not pry. You must have your reason." She smiled then shook her head as he looked at her, surprised. It seemed that she was more astute than he gave her credit for. "I can tell from the way you speak of my Xiao jie, though, that you genuinely care for her, and no matter what you've held back about how she met you, I appreciate how you probably have been taking care of her when her parents could not. I think if they know, they would be grateful to you, too."

He smiled back and gave her a grateful nod. "Thank you then, for telling me all this when you knew I wasn't being quite completely forthcoming about myself."

He didn't offer to tell her the whole truth or explain about his reason for being selective in the truths he told. Somehow he knew it was easier for her to not have to be confronted with the truth of his identity. She would never have told him this much if she knew, but Xiao Yan Zi deserved to know all this. None of it affected his feelings for her anyway, so he didn't see how his true identity was relevant in this conversation.

They spoke for a while longer to Xiao Yan Zi - or Xiao Ci as he was careful to refer to her as. It was just easier this way. Besides, to the nurse, she was Xiao Ci. The conversation showed that the nurse did truly cared about Xiao Yan Zi in her own way and had fond memories of her. She asked after Xiao Yan Zi's wellbeing and Yong Qi assured her on that fact.

"The truth is," she said, "I've always wondered whether I would ever get a chance to tell Xiao jie all tht I've just told you. I never know what the nuns would tell her about herself as she grew and was afraid that she would think she was abandoned there. Perhaps there is truth in that. But I always wished that she would know that she had a family who loved her once. And that I...loved her. Was there another way, I would never have left her there."

Yong Qi didn't tell the nurse that abandoned exactly what Xiao Yan Zi thought. He didn't tell her that before Xiao Jian came along, while Xiao Yan Zi didn't often dwell on her family but when she did wonder, she always wondered whether they loved her at all. He simply said, "I didn't get to bring her with me on this trip to Hangzhou but I think considering all that I've learnt these couple of days, I will have to bring her here soon. When we next come, I hope she will be able to meet you. I think she'd like that."

"I'd like that as well."

He thanked her again and was about to leave the conversation at that. She had given him too much to think about already. However, he was about to go, she said, "Please, sir, can you wait just a moment. I would like to ask you to give something to Xiao jie."

She took something from a wooden trunk at the end of the room and came back to him, holding a rectangular box. It opened to show a pair of jade bangles. It was mostly white in colour, except a thin strip of red that ran in the middle, all around the circular shape of the bangles. It was as if someone had poured a thin strip of blood and then froze the rest of the white jade wrapped around that red strip. He could tell that it was genuinely a very rare type of jade, appropriately called Phoenix Blood. It was nigh impossible to track down sometimes and even if he wanted to get something like this for Xiao Yan Zi, he would have a hard time getting his hands on it.

"This was from my mistress' dowry, an heirloom passed down from her mother. It should rightly go to Xiao jie now."

It took Yong Qi a moment to realise that she meant to give it to him to give to Xiao Yan Zi. The fact that she kept it all these years spoke well of her loyalty. Likely no one knew she had this, and if she had sold it, she would have enough money to live in comfort the rest of her life. Yet she would live in this relative poverty and keep this for Xiao Yan Zi, though she had no idea that she would ever see Xiao Yan Zi again.

"Are you sure you don't want to hold on to that until you see her?" he asked. "It is much too valuable for you to just give to me when you still really don't have tangible proof of who I am. You should have given it to Xiao Jian."

"I had planned to, but he was angry when I spoke with him and his anger distracted me, so I forgot. Please take it. I have enough faith to believe that through you, it will reach her."

"I will make sure she gets it."

* * *

Yong Qi's head was buzzing as he left the cottage. For a moment, he hesitated, wondering whether he should just head home as it was late afternoon and his babysitters probably will be annoyed with him soon. In the end, he turned back to the grave; he couldn't end the day without returning, especially after everything he'd just learnt. He didn't know why, but he somehow felt it would help him sort out his thoughts.

The nurse's story didn't change anything in the major scheme of things. It certainly didn't turn out that Xiao Yan Zi's family's deaths had nothing to do with his father after all, like he might have absurdly wished. It didn't even dismiss the notion that her father was guilty of treason. It only confirmed it. But at least the confirmation meant that they didn't have to wonder about how Xiao Jian's version of things might have been distorted or missed out on details. The nurse's story told him more about Fang Zhi Hang's real motivations and opinions, which seemed more reassuring than the vague description of "he was charged with treason for writing a poem." To know of his preferences and wishes somehow made him more human, rather than a martyr that he came off as before.

Yong Qi thought of Du Xue Yin's efforts to hide her children when it seemed that all was lost for their family. It was clear that it was not her wish, at least, that Xiao Jian and Xiao Yan Zi seek revenge. She only wished for them to be safe and happy. Xiao Jian should, therefore, feel less guilty for giving up those thoughts. It also gave Yong Qi a wild hope that perhaps, between her mother and father, one of them might approve of him after all.

Xiao Yan Zi's mother might be able to look past his position and approve of him, he somehow felt that her father might need some convincing. Well, at least, like everything else about Xiao Yan Zi, that would be a refreshing novelty. Usually fathers were all about pushing their daughters at him. Perhaps to have to actually earn his father-in-law's approval and respect would actually be satisfying. Xiao Yan Zi was certainly worth the effort.

Yong Qi hoped, at least, that whatever her father's political opinions, that he would still put Xiao Yan Zi's happiness first.

Thinking of the poem, Yong Qi was sure there was no way Fang Zhi Hang didn't know such words written down were a crime. He was hardly an ignorant man, and he had tried to keep those words hidden, after all. But he must have also known he was tempting fate, writing them down in the first place. To write it down was daring someone to find it and expose it. Surely, he must have understood the punishment that came to him had nothing to do with a Manchurian emperor. If it was a Han emperor and rebellious words were discovered, the punishment would be just the same.

In the end, maybe it shouldn't matter so much now whether he was really guilty or not and by whose law he was guilty. All that was part of the past, which couldn't be changed. The past couldn't be forgotten either, nor should it be, but shouldn't they look towards the future instead of wallowing in the hurt from years ago?

He thought of their child growing inside Xiao Yan Zi now. For some people, children were just a duty. For some people, children were a prize. But their child was a gift, born of their love. He (and Xiao Yan Zi was convinced it was a he) was more important to them now than a past they never had control of and couldn't change. He would help them move away from that past and would be their new beginning, their own little ray of light for the future.

No matter what happened years before, Yong Qi hoped that her parents would welcome and rejoice in that light too. Perhaps the child would also be the beginning of a healing that they all needed.

Yong Qi lit a few sticks of incense and silently thought a prayer for his unborn child, asking the grandparents that the child would never meet grant him safety and health.

As Yong Qi placed the incense in the earth jar, he noticed that the sun was setting all about him, bathing the place he stood in a soft orange glow. He stood silently before the grave for a long time.

_Hangzhou really is beautiful, _he thought. Next time, he would definitely bring Xiao Yan Zi, and the baby too.

* * *

_A/N: Considering this chapter was 9000 words, reviews would be nice :)._


	31. Black

**XXX. Black**

* * *

_Princes of the Ai Xin Jue Luo clan are not known to have the best relationships with their father. _

_I hate myself for writing this. Just a warning, it's not a happy chapter, since it's compliant to Tian Shang Ren Jian. _

* * *

As a child, Hong Li was terrified of his father.

There were many complimentary things one could say about Hong Li's father, but you could not have said he was a warm man. No one knew this better than Hong Li. He wanted to be close to his father, to run to his father and tell him about what he learnt each day from the imperial tutors. But as many children as his father had lost, he still put up an emotional shield between him and the ones that survived. The shield didn't just create distance, it spawned fear as well, because how could you not fear a man who never once smiled at you?

It was a shield that for twenty-five years, Hong Li could not break through. That was how old he was when his father died.

Growing up, the person to bounce Hong Li on his knees, to teach him of the art of the ruling, the person Hong Li was closest to, was Huang Ye Ye. Of course, Hong Li didn't know his grandfather for many years of his long life, but it was beautiful while it lasted. It almost made up for the emotional loss of his father in his heart.

Hong Li was determined that no child of his would grow up so detached from their father, that no child of his would be afraid of him. He would love his children, and he would let them know.

He only prepared for and prevented fear. He didn't consider that there might be other negative emotions his children might be inclined to feel.

* * *

As a child, Yong Qi hated his father.

It wasn't a hatred that could be expressed, it was simply a weight that lay on his heart, pressing in on him, painful and ever-present. It pressed harder still whenever Yong Qi witnessed his father and mother in the same room together. Always, it was as if there was a block of ice separating them, and that they existed on the same plane, but their hearts never meeting, never touching. His mother's heart would veer towards his father, but he would reach in the opposite direction. And his mother's heart, a frail woman's heart, couldn't conquer the strength of the man's.

There was one truth that Yong Qi was absolutely sure about and it was that his father didn't love his mother. His mother had loved him: loved him and hated him with all her heart, until she died. He had returned neither feeling. He was simply...indifferent. And Yong Qi hated him for it.

As Yong Qi grew older, the hatred became resignation, and then quite disturbingly, his father began to grow in his esteem. Beyond his mother, his father was a great man, worthy of respect and love. Tried as he may, Yong Qi couldn't deny his accomplishments.

Still, why was he born? Yong Qi would wonder to himself later when he became more aware of the world. Was it just because of lust? Or was it not even that, but simply duty?

It wasn't as if he could have just gone to Huang Ah Ma and asked.

Still, it made Yong Qi determined about one thing. No matter how many wives he had in the future, he would only ever marry someone he _wanted_ to marry. Perhaps he didn't have to _love _her with a passion, but at least he should want her. And he would never let his child grow up knowing his father was completely indifferent to his mother. It should be simple enough, right?

It just went to show that the best laid plans often go awry.

* * *

As a child, Mian Yi didn't know his father.

Er Niang would never talk about him. If they didn't live in the palace, and if he didn't call the Emperor grandfather, Mian Yi might never know his father was Yong Qi, Rong Qing Wang, Fifth Prince and son of the Emperor Qian Long.

All that Mian Yi knew was that Ah Ma died when Mian Yi was only a few months old.

Er Niang only looked grieved, almost tortured, whenever he spoke the two words 'Ah Ma', until Mian Yi learned not to voluntary bring the subject up with her anymore. Of course, she always taught Mian Yi to pay respect to his father on the anniversaries of his death and all the other proper occasions, but there was always something forced about it, as if she would rather not believe he was dead.

Auntie Zi Wei and Uncle Er Kang always doted on Mian Yi, spoiled him, almost, and they told him it was because Ah Ma had been their favourite brother. Yet somehow, Mian Yi got the idea that Er Niang almost resented their love for Ah Ma and for him, and they, in turn, were more condescending than warm towards her.

Huang Ye Ye always had a bittersweet smile on his face when Mian Yi mentioned Ah Ma, and he would tell Mian Yi all about his father's childhood, though only up to a certain point, not even up to when he married Er Niang.

It was as if he died before he actually died.

No one ever told Mian Yi how he died, but there was one thing that Mian Yi thought he couldn't be more sure about: his father was dead.

Records and history books painted his father as an intelligent, capable and outstanding prince, and Mian Yi knew if he had not died, he could have become Huang Ye Ye's successor. So for much of his life, Mian Yi idolised his father and Huang Ye Ye, Auntie and Uncle all encouraged this in him.

Perhaps it was because for all his life, Mian Yi had put his father on a pedestal, that when the truth did come, it sheared at his heart like the sharp edge of a red hot knife.

It was Er Niang who first told Mian Yi that some things were not as simple as he always thought. She didn't mean to, of course, but she was feverish, delirious and dying.

_Don't leave me, Yong Qi. What did I do wrong? Why was I not good enough?_ she had said. _Come back..._

Even then, worried about his mother's health, Mian Yi couldn't hold back the rather disturbing seeds of doubts forming in his mind, but he pushed them aside. It wasn't the time to ask.

In the end, there was never time to ask. His mother died that night.

It was months later when he finally found the courage to ask his aunt and uncle what his mother had meant that night. He wasn't even sure, then, whether he wanted to know the truth behind those words that had tortured his mother so in her last hours.

His aunt and uncle didn't want to tell him either, but the more they danced around the matter, the more Mian Yi pressed.

They put up a good fight, not telling him for months, trying to convince him his mother's words meant nothing.

He wasn't stupid.

In the end, they told him. They told him everything and didn't forget to add in all the fluff about how it was unavoidable, how miserable his father would have been if he stayed, how he would understand when he was older, or when he went through the same feelings. They insisted that his father loved him, and hated to leave and if there was any other way, he would never have done.

But Mian Yi had already tuned out. Those were excuses. No matter how anyone might have felt they were justified excuses, they were excuses nonetheless.

Excuses and _abandonment_.

Of course there were other ways. There always was.

If his father loved him at all, it was obviously not enough.

The feelings came in bouts and waves. Anger came first. Then pain. Disappointment. Disappointment at his grandfather, his aunt and uncle for feeding him those rose-tinted images all his life. Then disappointment at his father for never living up to those lies. The anger came back, this time it was anger directed at himself for having ever believed those lies, and for wanting, even now, for those lies to be true after all.

The last feeling was the ugliest feeling, and then stayed the longest. In fact, it would never leave him, never allow him rest. It was a feeling of worthlessness.

_What did he do wrong? Why was he not good enough?_

* * *

_A/N: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews :)._

_As I said, I hate myself for writing this, but it wouldn't leave me alone. Honestly, various versions of this have been hanging around in my head for far longer than I care to admit. It all comes down to this being why I really disapprove of the ending of TSRJ. Let's not even talk about the remake._

_Sometimes I do wonder why I can't just be like a normal original-HZGG-fans and deny the entire existence of TSRJ. (After ranting enough about it, I'm now denying the existence of the remake.) Why do I do this to myself and jump into the murky water to write chapters like these? The truth is, as a writer, it's stuff like this you want to write, after all the fluff and cotton, even if it does make you hate your favourite characters. After I write stuff like this I have to go do a marathon rewatch of the Alec/Vicki stuff just to rinse off the feeling. _

_I promise the next chapter is going to be a lot happier. I have it written so it'll be up in a couple of days. _


	32. Together

**XXXI. Together**

* * *

_Dawn was much too early an hour to wake up when you were newly-wed and that sunlight was deceptive._

* * *

Slivers of dawn peeked in through the meeting of the bed curtains, dancing in and out, inviting the couple in the bed to join the waking sun.

Yong Qi reached out and pulled the curtains together, firmly shutting out the all-too-cheery light. Dawn was much too early an hour to wake up when you were newly-wed and that sunlight was deceptive. The air outside of their little cocoon would be freezing cold and he would much rather sink back into the warmth of the bed.

He looked at the sight of her, warm and soft and all curled up in his arms and couldn't help but smile. Her mouth had puckered into a little frown when he'd pulled away to close the curtains and let the cool air infiltrate between them. She was reaching out to find his warmth and snuggled up to him, burying her face in the curve of his neck, so that her breath tickled his skin. He, in turn, pulled her close, letting her body mould against his, and tucked the blanket more securely around them both. Her lips curled unconsciously into a smile as warmth returned and his heart skipped a beat at the sight. She was breath-takingly beautiful, so serene and peaceful in his arms. She was completely different in sleep than she was awake, which was something Yong Qi didn't quite believe could be possible. Xiao Yan Zi who could hardly sit still for a minute when awake, was quite happy to curl up in his embrace for a whole night and fall deep into slumber.

He let his eyes trace her face as she slept. Stray locks of hair had escaped from the long braid down her back and softly framed her face. Dark lashes curled against her cheek, hiding beneath them eyes that stole his very soul from the very first moments of their meeting. How he longed to lean in to kiss those soft eyelids and urge her to open her eyes so that he could lose himself it their beautiful depths. Not to mention, her little nose was just begging him to place his lips softly there, making her giggle in delight as she did before they fell asleep.

But not yet, he would not wake her yet.

He reached for her hand and laced her fingers in his. In her sleep, she allowed her fingers to take their natural positions against his, and he smiled. He watched her and thanked Heaven again that she was his, at long last. How lucky it was that she came into his life and he got a chance to love her so, and for her to love him in return. At moments like this, it all felt overwhelmingly like it was much too good to be true.

But it was true, he told himself. She was here, in his arms, and she was here to stay. Nothing could take her away from him now. She was his, forever.

His eyes lingered on her soft cheek, then drifted down to her full lips, which were capable of such delights that made him tremble. On those lips, the smile still rested like a secret.

In the end, he couldn't hold back and brushed the tips of his fingers against her cheek.

"Xiao Yan Zi," he murmured, savouring the touch of her.

She stirred, and tried to sink deeper into the warmth of his arms and the blanket. A hand reached out to brush away the source of annoyance on her cheek. "Go away, Zi Wei," she mumbled. "Too early."

Yong Qi chuckled and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek before placing his lips by her ear and whispered, "I'm not Zi Wei."

His voice seemed to pierce though the shield of sleep and suddenly her eyes flashed open. Her head jerked up and she stared at him, mouth slightly open in surprise. Loose hair tumbled about her shoulders and he reached out, tucking back a strand behind her ear.

Her eyes took in their closeness and entwined bodies, and she blinked, finally taking in the fact that she wasn't in her usual bed anymore. Her cheeks reddened and she let out a little squeak before dropping her head against his shoulder and hiding her face away from his amused gaze. Laughter bubbled up before he could hold it back. The sound only encouraged her to kick him and pound on any part of his body she could find with her fists while her face was still buried in his neck.

"Don't laugh at me," she said, though what came out was so muffled that it only made him laugh even harder.

When he finally managed to stop laughing, he tried to draw her out of the darkness of the blanket. Finally, after a while, she peeked out at him, the blanket still concealing part of her face. The very sight of her bashful eyes made his heart melt and his world seemed suddenly ablaze with colours and intense feelings. He leaned in, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead, nudging her slightly and coaxing her to bring her face up level to his. She finally did and his lips captured hers in a long kiss.

"Hey," he whispered, smiling, when their lips parted.

"Hey," she answered shyly. After a while, when he wouldn't do anything but gaze at her with a half-smile, she asked, a little breathless and self-consciously, "What time is it?"

"Not time to get up. Too early, as you so eloquently put it," he grinned.

She pouted at his teasing and pushed him hard. He didn't resist, so ended up falling back onto the bed, laughing, looking up at her as she propped herself up on her elbow beside him. He smiled as her eyes drifted over his body, taking in the sight as if she was trying to commit what she saw to memory. He allowed her the luxury and stroked the braid of hair that had fallen over her shoulder.

She reached out and let her fingers stroked a faint scar on his shoulder.

"How did you get this?"

He looked down at the place where her fingers still lingered and pondered for a moment.

"Oh. I think that was where Er Tai threw a knife at me."

She just stared at him in astonishment. "Er Tai threw a _knife _at you?"

Yong Qi smiled. "Yes."

"_Why_? No, better, how is he even alive after throwing a knife at you?"

"We were seven, eight, I can't remember exactly what happened but we had an argument and I guess I must have said something stupid enough to get him mad enough that he hurled the knife he had in his hand at me before even realising it. His aim then wasn't very good because he aimed at my face and I wasn't ducking. I think I was too shocked that he would do that."

He chuckled at the memory and Xiao Yan Zi looked torn between amusement, disbelief and horror.

"I'm not sure what is harder to believe, that you two could have that huge an argument or that Er Tai could get that angry."

Yong Qi shook his head. "We were boys and probably both a little too used to getting our own ways for our own good. It's pretty hard to really rile Er Tai up to a temper but when he's angry he's pretty scary. I really can't remember what we were arguing about but it must have been something pretty stupid. I think even till now that was the worst fight I've ever had with him."

Xiao Yan Zi let out a little laugh. "Actually if I think about it, maybe it's not so shocking. He might be the only person who would dare throw a knife at you and then get away with it."

Her husband smiled mischievously. "_You_ would probably throw a knife at me and _not _miss if I get you mad enough."

She pouted and glowered at him, but didn't contradict what he said, which only made him let out a laugh.

She ran her fingers against the scar again and asked, "What was he doing with a knife in he first place and how did he get away with it?"

"We were practicing martial arts, I think and he got away with it because I didn't tell."

Xiao Yan Zi simply raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"I might have been really mad at him then but I didn't want him to _die. _He's still my best friend. I made up some really unbelievable story of brushing against a lantern hook that nobody believed but no one wanted to question either. I think Er Tai and I became even closer after that spat."

"He must have felt he needed to butter up to you after nearly killing you and still you saved his life," Xiao Yan Zi giggled.

"Probably," he laughed.

Then she leaned down and brushed her lips lightly against the scar, before raising her head and giving him a shy look.

"What was that for?" he asked, a smile playing at the corner of his lips.

"Kissing it better."

He grinned and rolled them over so that she lay down on her back and he could face her.

"Well, if you want to play this game," he murmured, raking his eyes over her body.

He could feel her tremble slightly under his gaze but didn't let that stop him. The dim light of the early morning seemed to make her body glow.

He bent down to kiss a long slash of silver scar on her upper arm then looked up at her with question in his eyes.

"I was practicing swords with Liu Qing and didn't turn fast enough."

"So I suppose I have to threaten Liu Qing with bodily harm the next time I see him now?" Yong Qi asked, eyes twinkling.

Xiao Yan Zi laughed. "If you do that for every scar I have, you'd want to hurt a lot of people and would have a hard time finding them all. I didn't exactly spend my childhood sitting in a room learning to sew, you know."

He just smiled and found more the faint imperfections on her body, and marked them first by tracing each with his fingers before doing the same with his lips. She, in turn, told him the memories that rested behind each, all pieced together to form a childhood of near slavery at the hands of cruel masters and learning martial arts in the most improper ways possible. His heart ached for her at each hurt and he wondered how she could have faced so much abuse and pain and still turn out the way she did.

"What else was I to do?" she asked pragmatically when he told her this. "Curl up and die?"

"No, but you shouldn't have turned out so _nice_."

She chuckled. "Well, I always thought life was depressing enough that I didn't need to add to it by turning myself into something bitter and sad all the time."

Finally, he grasped her right hand and ran his fingers against the knuckles.

"I always wondered, these are burns, right?"

"Hm? Yes."

"I don't remember them always being here."

"They weren't."

He looked at her enquiringly.

She shrugged. "When I was trapped in that weiqi store, the woman held my hand against the cook stove for who knew what."

His heart gave a lurch of guilt as he cradled her hand and pressed kisses against each shiny burn. She seemed to catch onto what he was thinking because she tugged him to her and whispered, "Hey, it's fine."

"That was a stupid fight, and I should never have – "

She had placed a finger from her free hand against his lips to stop him talking.

"It's fine," she stressed. "It was stupid but we got over it, we don't have to think about it now."

"But you should never have these burns in the first place."

"Just as you shouldn't have a scar from Er Tai throwing a knife at you either. You got over that. I thought that that fight made us closer as well?"

"It's different. That thing with Er Tai, we were both being stupid, and I probably asked for it. This fight between us was totally my fault."

She looked at him for a long while then asked, somewhat peevishly, "If I agree that it was your fault, will you stop dwelling on it? Because it was." He startled at her irritated tone. She continued. "I refuse to let you think of depressing things so early into our marriage."

He finally conceded to smile and said sheepishly, "I guess the one thing that that incident did teach me is to never take you for granted again."

"I should hope so," she answered. "Speaking of scars we shouldn't have, though, you probably shouldn't have this one either." She turned his hand over and touched the scar on his wrist, leftover from their run in with the Empress' assassins.

"It hurts much less now that it's clear that it wasn't Huang Ah Ma's people sent to kill us," he said.

Still, she raised his hand and pressed it against her lips.

Yong Qi pulled her close and for a moment, breathed in the scent of her, before letting his eyes drift over her body again. He lingered finally on puckered tissues that marred the smooth skin above her left breast.

"You," she said simply, following his gaze, though he already knew.

Odd emotions, a mixture of love, elation and a strange bittersweet feeling filled him. He let his gaze drift up to her face, meeting her eyes, which only shined with love. She smiled softly and reached up to place a hand against his cheek. He let himself get lost in those eyes, and the whole world seemed to dissolve around them. There was nothing else that seemed so real as she at that moment. Everything that ever happened between them, all their trials and joys, laughter and tears, seemed to play back before him in that instant. It was only then that he truly realised just how very fortunate he was to have this moment.

"I suppose I never really apologised for that," he whispered.

"You don't have to," she said.

"I did nearly kill you."

She seemed to contemplate this truth for a few moments. "True enough, and I guess that wound did teach me to never get within shooting range of you with a bow and arrow again," she teased.

He gave her a glare, the effect of which was ruined by a laugh. "I'll have you know that my shooting is usually stellar, thank you. And my arrow did make the mark where I intended it to, you just scared away my target. But you know we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for that arrow."

"I know," she grinned. "I must be very strange to be glad for something that nearly killed me."

"I fell in love with you then, in that hunting ground, you know."

Xiao Yan Zi rolled her eyes. Surely he was being dramatic. "Oh _please_, you had no idea who I was then. I seem to recall people thought I was an assassin."

"I didn't. I was just fascinated about why you were there. Maybe I should be more wary that you might really have been an assassin, I don't know, but that's hardly my job. Er Kang and Er Tai were there for that," he said. Xiao Yan Zi snickered. "I was on pins and needles for the whole time you were unconscious, but I could hardly come around to Ling Fei's place to ask about you."

"Why ever not?" she asked, astonished.

"I couldn't just go around asking after a girl, Xiao Yan Zi," he smirked. "Even if I nearly killed her."

"This is why rules are so stupid," she grumbled.

"You're probably right, but I don't want to dwell on that right now."

"Oh, what do you feel like doing then?" she smiled.

He gave her a suggestive smile that managed to make her blush. His smile widened as he leaned down and kissed her lips before brushing his lips so gently against the scar.

"Mine," he breathed.

"Yours," she agreed. "All of me."


	33. Family

**XXXII. Family **

* * *

_Mid-Autumn. Zi Wei and Yong Qi both have father crises and then there's Xiao Yan Zi's disturbingly warm friendship with Xiao Jian thrown into the mix. What results is some sibling-bonding. _

* * *

The moon shined bright and full against the backdrop of a cloudless night. It was a beautiful sight, yet Yong Qi could not bring himself to really marvel and rejoice at it. Part of it was because it wasn't just any full moon, it was the full moon of the Mid-Autumn festival. Being on the road, he almost forgot that the festival was upon them, if not for the lanterns that hung about the town they were staying in.

It was a night for family reunion but he was as far away from his family as possible, and he had no intention of ever seeing them again. To say the loss didn't carve deep into his heart was a huge lie. No, ever since leaving Beijing, it had always been like an old open wound that throbbed so constantly until he could usually ignore it, but occasionally something would brush against it, making it sting and remind him of its presence.

That full moon was certainly a reminder.

It took until he saw the moon for Yong Qi to realise that this feeling tugging at the back of his heart this whole day (and perhaps even longer, ever since he left) was a touch of homesickness.

He didn't regret leaving, of course, and it wasn't even denial. No, leaving was the necessary and right thing to do, considering all things. But as much as Xiao Yan Zi was an undeletable part of his life now, there was no denying all those other years that he had lived before he met her and all the things associated with it. And one those thing, was home.

Back home (because for him, for now, it was still home) tonight there would be a feast and firework. It wasn't the feast that Yong Qi missed but he couldn't help but wonder whether he would be missed at all. On a night when he and his siblings would be called upon to toast to the health of the Emperor and Lao Fo Ye, his absence would certainly not go unnoticed. He wondered what explanation had been given all this time.

Yong Qi thought of the palace and the court, the place that they now so aptly named the City of Memories. Yes, all of it was simply memories now, but it wasn't all horrible memories. For all the hatred, jealousy and back-stabbing schemes that bubbled under the surface of his life in the palace, Yong Qi couldn't deny that in some strange way, he still longed to think that it was the place where at least a part of him belonged. He was born and grew up there, it was the very place that shaped his childhood and his character. For all of its undesirable traits, it was a place that without which, he would have been a very different person. He wasn't a fool enough to think he could ever ever truly cast it off. It was useless to deny the fact, to himself, or even to anyone else. He could walk away from it, but to forget and brush it off as inconsequential, well, that was impossible. You could not just delete twenty years of your life.

Just as impossible to forget was the blood the flowed in his vein and the people he left behind. No, not people, exactly. For now, it was just Huang Ah Ma.

(And no, Yong Qi would not call him anything else. He refused to even entertain the thought, no matter how Xiao Jian wanted to sneer.)

He wondered whether any of the others could miss Huang Ah Ma as he did.

Zi Wei was still nursing the wounds of Huang Ah Ma disowning her, so it was likely right now she spent more time dwelling on her mother's hurts than really thinking of what the loss of Huang Ah Ma from here on meant to her. Er Kang would have his own parents to occupy him on nights like this.

And Xiao Yan Zi…Xiao Yan Zi's charade of disdain reminded Yong Qi of a porcupine, whose hurtful words about Huang Ah Ma were simply a shield, keeping herself from being hurt. Probably Xiao Yan Zi didn't truly want to think how much losing Huang Ah Ma might cause tempest in her heart, so she resorted to laughing it off, calling him Sleeping Dragon and denying her own emotions. At least, Yong Qi would like to think so. He would like to think that Xiao Yan Zi's idolised love for Huang Ah Ma couldn't disintegrate so easily.

As for Yong Qi, well, it was Huang Ah Ma. This was the man who gave Yong Qi life, and everything that he'd ever had. This was the man who, as both father and emperor, Yong Qi owed loyalty, piety and respect to. This was the man who, above all, Yong Qi still loved and worshipped, because this was his father. He wasn't going to bury either the love or the hurt and the longings he felt because to try would already be an attempt to deny his father. Yong Qi couldn't deny him any more than he could cut off his own arm. He was Huang Ah Ma's son, and no matter what his reasons were for leaving his father, it was still a fact that could never be changed, and to deny it was folly.

He couldn't stop his love and respect for Huang Ah Ma, even if he tried. Even if it seemed like Huang Ah Ma wished them dead.

It had been over three months since the eight of them left Beijing. In those three months, between Zi Wei's fall from the carriage, her blindness after that and all the pain and stress suffered by everyone from it, Yong Qi hardly had time to really think about what it all meant. Then came this latest attack, and the only good that came out of that was that Zi Wei now regained her sight. Of course, that didn't change the truth of who had ordered the attack and didn't lessen the agonising pain that both Yong Qi and Er Kang now had injuries inflicted by the men "under orders" from his own father to kill them.

_Kill them. _At least in the first attack, even though they had used fishnet and caused Zi Wei to fall off the carriage, the officials who tried to capture them had at least pretended to ask them nicely to come and talk. This time, it was "kill without mercy".

When Yong Qi heard those words, the shock and blinding pain turned into rage, because that was the only way he could keep himself from being crippled by them. The anger allowed him to attack with the intent to destroy rather than just to defend.

The idea that his father would want him dead hurt more than he ever thought was possible. What happened to all their theories that Huang Ah Ma's anger would lessen over time? It hadn't, apparently, and only seemed to increase, and he must be seething if such an order to kill indiscriminately could be given.

Yong Qi supposed he should hate, or at least resent his father's stubborn anger that would drive him to want all his own children dead. But if he really thought about it, he couldn't bring himself to truly blame his father for the pain they all were suffering. No, he found it painful that his father should be forced into wanting to kill his own children, but blame was not an option. They had, after all, betrayed his love and his trust, no matter how worthy the cause. They had hurt him far worst than possibly anyone ever dared. This was their taste of their own medicine. If Huang Ah Ma could no longer trust them and love them, then they had brought it on themselves. They were now reaping the consequences of their selfless actions.

And even if they were blameless (which they weren't), they had no right to complain. If the father wanted his son to die, his son cannot not die. If the monarch wanted his subject to die, his subject cannot not die. He was father and monarch both. Their very continued existence was already defiance in and of itself.

Yong Qi knew, he, himself, could have stayed. His position would make sure he would suffer no real consequences should he choose to stay. Or, at least, Lao Fo Ye would stop anything really horrible happening to him; it wasn't as if she ever liked Han Xiang in the first place. The only real thing he would have to suffer would then be his father's fury and coldness.

Still, Yong Qi couldn't bring himself to regret leaving. Through it all, he still knew that all this pain and guilt could still be made better if he could spend the rest of his life with Xiao Yan Zi. She was everything he truly needed. He knew he could never have survived the palace without her, not anymore. There was once a time when Yong Qi was content enough to take full advantage of every luxury and prestige he had, but ever since he met Xiao Yan Zi, his life had been turned upside down. He suddenly wanted more out of life, more than the palace with all its luxury could ever give. He wanted the love and the joy that she could bring, the knowledge that as imperfect as she was, she could look at him and see only him, without the strappings and decorations. If he had never met Xiao Yan Zi, he would have thought the idea of leaving everything he had for love a ridiculous idea. But before Xiao Yan Zi, he was so focused on being Wu Ah Ge that he forgot to consider what it might be liked to be Yong Qi. Now he wasn't just Wu Ah Ge any longer.

Yong Qi didn't regret leaving everything for Xiao Yan Zi, not even now, when it was Xiao Yan Zi that was the subject of a great pain in his heart.

It wasn't that he was angry at her for suddenly dismissing Huang Ah Ma and acting like she never loved him. No, he understood enough the pain that she would otherwise feel if she didn't act that way. It hurt him to see her acting like this but it wasn't a hurt directed at her, it was directed at their situation in general.

No, his pain with regards to Xiao Yan Zi now had little to do with Huang Ah Ma. Part of him felt that he was overreacting, yet he couldn't help the feelings sneaking into his heart like a malicious snake, sly and unnoticed until in the pain flared up, burning him like poison.

And it was all because of a man called Xiao Jian.

When he first met Xiao Jian, he had liked him enormously, especially after he helped them rescue Zi Wei and Xiao Yan Zi from the execution trail. One thing was clear, everyone liked Xiao Jian and he was talented at…well, everything. He liked them in return – that much was clear enough. What was also clear to anyone with eyes was that though he treated everyone of them as great friends, he was paying even more attention to Xiao Yan Zi. He always seemed to look at Xiao Yan Zi more intently than anyone else, he always asked after Xiao Yan Zi before anyone else, he took great care to protect Xiao Yan Zi. He always was watching Xiao Yan Zi.

Yong Qi didn't doubt that Xiao Jian was well on the way to falling in love with Xiao Yan Zi and it wasn't this that bothered him. No, if anything, Yong Qi knew exactly what it was like, to fall so totally head over heels in love with Xiao Yan Zi. He knew how hopeless it was to resist, and how scary the feeling. He knew the feeling of being totally swept into Xiao Yan Zi's world, to loosing all the bearings he ever had for life and having his every principle challenged by Xiao Yan Zi's view on life. Yong Qi knew exactly what an exhilarating and terrifying feeling it was, to fall in love with Xiao Yan Zi. He would have been a hypocrite for grudging Xiao Jian feeling the same. He couldn't blame Xiao Jian if he feel in love with Xiao Yan Zi, not when he - Yong Qi - loved her more than he ever thought was possible to love a person.

It was Xiao Yan Zi's reaction to Xiao Jian's attentions that bothered Yong Qi. She showed every sign of being fascinated by Xiao Jian. She was always cheerful to Xiao Jian, praising Xiao Jian in everything that he did. It was as if Xiao Jian could do no wrong in her eyes. It was stupid, but Yong Qi couldn't stand the idea. Xiao Yan Zi had never seen him that way.

Yong Qi felt a sting in his heart every time he thought about how Xiao Yan Zi had admired Xiao Jian's every accomplishments, and the smiles she directed his way as he complimented her. So he himself wasn't exactly lacking in some of these abilities either, but what did that signify when Xiao Yan Zi acted like that didn't matter?

The truth was, Yong Qi knew if he never confessed his own feelings to Xiao Yan Zi, she would never have ever thought about love and romance and marriage. Thinking back, he seriously questioned all of Er Tai's claim that she only blushed for him and all that. Xiao Yan Zi was hardly the blushing maiden type. Yong Qi sometimes wondered if Er Tai had offered himself for Xiao Yan Zi, whether the chances that she fell in love with him just as sincerely would have been the same.

The truth was, before Yong Qi, Xiao Yan Zi never thought about love and romance. Truthfully, the collection of men around her was limited. Yong Qi couldn't help but wonder now that she had the chance to see more of the world, to meet more people, whether in time, the choices she made once would catch up to her and haunt her.

As much as it pained him to think of it, and as guilty as he felt when thinking it, at times Yong Qi wondered whether Xiao Yan Zi perhaps might regret the idea of them. Perhaps not now, perhaps not yet, but down the road…

The idea that she might regret it years from now, when maybe things between them were even more permanent, terrified him.

He knew it was jealousy talking. He knew he should have more trust in her. But he also knew that sometimes, Xiao Yan Zi didn't even know her own heart and often it ran away from her. So he couldn't shake of what-ifs from his mind.

Foot steps sounded behind him and he turned around to see Zi Wei enter the gazebo where he was sitting. She was slightly surprised to see him out alone, but approached him anyway.

"What are you doing out here all by yourself?" she asked.

He shrugged. "Thinking."

Zi Wei looked at him thoughtfully for a moment, then sat down beside him. He wondered for a moment whether he minded the intrusion, but the truth was, the Mid-Autumn festival wasn't made for sitting alone, feeling depressed.

"Why are you out here?" he asked.

"I wanted to see the moon."

"And Er Kang wouldn't come out with you?"

She only smiled. "I don't live in his pocket, you know."

He smiled back but didn't answer. The silence between them stretched, with both of them seemed to be lost in thought. He knew Zi Wei probably had a lot on her mind too, as she looked slightly melancholy and didn't seem like she wanted to talk much. But silent company wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

"What were you thinking of?" she asked after a while.

Yong Qi sighed. "Things. Mid-Autumn festival. Huang Ah Ma. Xiao Yan Zi."

Zi Wei nodded and he knew she at least understood some of the things that were on his mind.

She stared at her hands for a long while before saying, "Liu Hong is making moon cakes. Or trying, anyway, with the ingredients she has. That's why I had to get out. It reminded me too much of my mother, she used to make them too."

Yong Qi turned to look at her, but before he could say anything, she had looked up at him.

"Did Er Kang tell you about what happened with my aunt and uncle?"

Yong Qi nodded. In fact he had spent an entire sleepless night listening to Er Kang rant about Zi Wei's relatives who popped out of who knew where and the story they told, alledgedly of the real circumstances behind Zi Wei's birth. He knew the incident must still hurt Zi Wei, but never really found a time to bring the subject up to her, nor did he think there was a tactful way to do that even if the occasion presented itself.

He reached over and took her hand, making sure she was still looking at him so that she couldn't miss the conviction in his eyes. "Yes, he told me, and I don't believe a word of what they say."

Zi Wei laughed, a very bitter laugh that sounded totally wrong coming out of her. "Well, that makes one of us. You always have more trust in who I am more than is good for you, anyway."

"You can't believe it either!" he exclaimed. He had always thought that Zi Wei could feel hurt about Huang Ah Ma's doubt, but he never expected that she might actually give some weight to the ridiculous story told by those people.

"I don't know what to believe anymore." Her voice was weary as she said this. "I just feel like my whole life has been about wondering who my father is. I spent the first seventeen years of my life wondering this, and then finally my mother tells me. And now, someone else tells me it isn't true and I don't know what to believe anymore."

"You lived seventeen years with your mother's pains and tears and regrets and can't be sure that she was telling the truth?"

"I don't know. I want to believe. But why would they lie?"

Money. Coercion. Blackmail. The reasons were endless.

"Why did they suddenly appear out of nowhere? Who took them in to meet Lao Fo Ye right at that moment?"

"But still, why would they lie?" she pressed stubbornly.

"People can be coerced or bribed into doing worst things, Zi Wei."

Zi Wei looked at him, hope and desperation shined from her eyes. "You really think so?"

He thought for a moment, thinking of how to help her believe it herself. It didn't matter what he thought. "I think that you _do _know the truth in your heart of heart, but you're just too afraid to admit it to yourself. As I believe you, so yes, I believe that they were lying."

She only looked a little more comforted for a flickering second before her face crumbled again. "It may be so, but what does it matter if Huang…if he doesn't believe it?"

"It matters, because you would know your mother never did anything wrong."

She only let out a sound that was a cross between a laugh and a barely-suppressed hysterical sob. "Nothing wrong. As if my very existence wasn't wrong in the first place?"

"You do know she probably didn't have a choice, right?" Yong Qi asked gently. Zi Wei gave him a slightly alarmed look. He wondered whether he should even get anywhere near this subject. In the end, he just settled for a vague, "No one really says no to Huang Ah Ma."

Zi Wei just nodded, wiping away the tears on her cheek.

Thinking of his own mother, Yong Qi couldn't help but add in a weary tone, "And at least he loved her."

"Not enough. Not long enough," she sighed.

"But he did, however briefly. More than he ever cared about my mother anyway." He didn't mean to say the last part, but it came out anyway. Oh Heaven, this was not the night for these thoughts. He didn't need to add more things to the list of things to feel depressed about.

"Really?" she asked softly. He could tell the real intended question was more elaborate than the simple two syllables allowed.

"Yes, but let me not dwell on that tonight, please. I have enough issues tonight with Huang Ah Ma without adding my mother into the mix as well."

She gave him a sympathetic look and Yong Qi was glad when she let the subject drop.

"We're all having issues tonight, I think," she said with a sigh. "Er Kang is moping. I didn't want him to see me and feel even guiltier."

"What's Xiao Yan Zi doing?"

"What she does best. Ignoring it and making up for it by causing a mess. She's helping Liu Hong with the moon cakes."

Yong Qi gave a genuine smile that felt out of place considering everything else. But then no matter what, Xiao Yan Zi had a way of making him do that. "I guess that means we're eating burnt cakes?"

Zi Wei laughed. "Probably."

He didn't ask about Xiao Jian, because he wasn't sure he wanted to know, and Zi Wei seemed to understand because she didn't elaborate. For a couple of minutes, neither of them said anything, but just sat in contemplative silence.

"Do you…hate him?" Zi Wei asked suddenly. He could tell from her tone that she was talking about Huang Ah Ma rather than Xiao Jian.

Yong Qi looked at her curiously. "Do you?"

"I wish I could," she said, sniffling. "Then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much."

Yong Qi placed place a hand on hers in comfort. "I don't know, if you could hate him it still meant that you cared enough. Anyway, I understand how Huang Ah Ma is angry, I just can't believe it is to the point that he wants all of us dead."

"You can't believe he wants _you _dead," said Zi Wei with a sad smile. "He was going to still behead me and Xiao Yan Zi if you haven't rescued us."

"No." Yong Qi shook his head slowly. "The thing is, even then I wondered if he would. But of course I wasn't going to take chances. Now…"

"Now there's no turning back for us. Not that I would go back anyway."

He looked at Zi Wei with shock, both from her icy tone and what she actually said. Her face was uncharacteristically blank, as if she was trying to keep emotions from overflowing. "You wouldn't?"

"He doesn't want me for a daughter anyway, so what do I go back for?" For all her efforts, her lips trembled as she said this. Yong Qi gave her hand a soft squeeze.

"For what it's worth, I am glad to have you for a sister."

He didn't know why this felt like such an enormous statement to make, but perhaps it was because in his family, just because you were siblings didn't automatically mean you actually care about each other and that made the actual affection that much more precious when it did exist.

Besides, Zi Wei looked genuinely pleased to hear him say this.

"Really?"

"I'm hurt that you're surprised."

"No," she said with a small laugh, with real pleasure this time, "it's just that you never really have to like me, let alone help me claim my position as Huang Ah Ma's daughter. And yet you did and here we are."

"I think sometimes you give me more credit than I deserve."

"How so?"

"I helped you with switching places with Xiao Yan Zi for her more than for you, to be honest. And to be even more honest, if you had entered the palace as a princess in a more…conventional fashion, I don't think we could be this close. But as things are, I certainly don't regret being your brother in more ways that just in name, though I admit sometimes I'm not a very good one."

"Why, Yong Qi! You are the best brother ever!"

He laughed. "You don't have much experience then. Though I suppose the competition isn't that stiff considering other brothers you have in the palace."

"I wasn't joking," Zi Wei said earnestly. "You are the best brother I could ever have!"

Yong Qi just smiled and shook his head. He truly was very fond of Zi Wei but at the same time, it was as if all the things he'd done for her had always been tied in someway to Xiao Yan Zi, to how it could benefit Xiao Yan Zi. Sometimes he thought of the things he should have done more for her, he couldn't help but think she really was being too generous in her assessment of him.

"Even when I helped you get acknowledged by Huang Ah Ma not for your own sake but so that I could legitimately court Xiao Yan Zi? Even when Xiao Yan Zi got too caught up in play and lost you when you were blind and nearly had all manners of horrible things happen to you, and yet I was more occupied with defending Xiao Yan Zi than with your safety?"

"Well, you couldn't say that Er Kang didn't have an ulterior motive too with the plan of switching us. It wasn't as much about my father as much as about his wanting to marry me. I think we all had other motives in that plan. As for the other thing, from what I hear of how angry Er Kang was, I'm glad someone had the sense to protect Xiao Yan Zi. It wasn't as if she did it on purpose. I really don't blame her, you know. And I'm sure you worried about me."

"Only after I was sure Er Kang wasn't going to murder Xiao Yan Zi."

"If you didn't stop Er Kang from taking his anger out on Xiao Yan Zi, I think he would have got caught up in his anger and probably forgot to actually go and find me. Sometimes I do think Er Kang has a bit of an anger management problem," Zi Wei said dryly.

Yong Qi couldn't help it, but he burst out laughing. "Just sometimes?"

"Most of the time."

"All of the time when it comes to things to do with you."

She looked about to protest but then just gave up and laughed with him.

"Besides," she said more seriously after a while, "the fact that you feel guilty now shows that you did care, Yong Qi. I do appreciate that. And I'd rather know that you'll always be there to take care of Xiao Yan Zi anyway. There's only so much stifling protection I can take myself."

"And sometimes Er Kang is quite enough?"

"Quite."

They shared a grin over this.

"Anyway, I do mean it, I'm glad that you would choose to take care of Xiao Yan Zi over me," Zi Wei said. "She needs more protecting than what would seem on the surface and definitely more than she would ever admit. If we'd…if we'd stayed in the palace, eventually you would be the only person who could protect her there. Even now, I think Xiao Yan Zi might be able to survive in the real world if she kept her head down, but if she insists on getting into scrapes, sometimes she is over her head."

"I think I'm over my head, too, outside the palace," Yong Qi couldn't help saying with a slighly sour tone. "There's nothing like being thrown headfirst into it to make you realise that years spent with books doesn't exactly help in the real world. Xiao Yan Zi would probably be quite pleased to know that."

Zi Wei just gave a vague smile but just gazed at him thoughtfully for a long time. Then, she asked hesitantly, "Do you regret it?"

"No. I could never regret leaving it all for Xiao Yan Zi. She sacrificed too much to be with me in the palace anyway. I can't complain when the table turned, really."

"Do you really want to know what I really think?"

"Why does that sound like what you really think isn't good?" he asked warily.

"No," she chuckled. "I think that even if you stayed in the palace, and even with all the sacrifices that Xiao Yan Zi would have to continue to make, it would be worth it for her. Because you are right, being with you is probably the most sacrifice Xiao Yan Zi would have to make in her life, for a person whose only worries in life are being bored and lonely. But the truth is, if she'd walked away and maybe pursued other choices, she would never have been as happy as she is when she's with you."

"I wish I could always be as sure as you that she would be that happy with me."

"You don't agree?"

"No, at times I do. And at other times I wonder whether she might one day regret that she never gave herself time to think about other choices."

"Times like now, you mean?"

He didn't answer, but she understood anyway.

"I don't think she would ever regret it."

Again, he wished he had her conviction, but didn't choose to comment on it. She went on.

"Sometimes I'm more worried that _you_ would regret."

Yong Qi looked at her in astonishment. "I just said I didn't."

"You say that now. But how about years from now? Because to be honest with you, that's what scares me the most. I think it would crumble all of us."

He could only stare at her in disbelief. How was it that she could be so convinced of Xiao Yan Zi's feelings for him and yet think his was so shakable?

"It's not that I don't believe you love her or think that you would ever stop loving her," she said, as if knowing what he was thinking. "But sometimes…sometimes maybe love might not be enough, especially when you think all the things you left behind. You had most to lose, of all of us."

"And Er Kang didn't?" he retorted.

"Er Kang's different. His family knows and supports him in this. You left with nothing..."

"I left with Xiao Yan Zi."

Surely Zi Wei understood that that was enough for him?

"Yes, but sometimes I think Xiao Yan Zi doesn't realise exactly what you left behind. You and I both know it wasn't just money and a title."

Zi Wei looked at him and he knew there were many things that he left behind that they could get into, discuss and analyse whether any of it was worth leaving behind for something as whimsical as love. But what would be the use? He was here, wasn't he? And if Xiao Yan Zi had no idea of the weight of it all, then was that really such a bad thing?

"Zi Wei, I'm not here so that Xiao Yan Zi could feel burdened by what I left behind. I would rather she thinks it was really all inconsequential if it gives her peace of mind. And as long as she doesn't come to regret my presence then I will never have cause to regret anything."

Zi Wei looked at him thoughtfully for a long while, then said in a matter of fact voice, "In that case, you shouldn't worry, you know. I don't think she'll run off with Xiao Jian."

Yong Qi definitely didn't expect her to say this, so he just gaped at her for a moment while she smiled knowingly at him.

"I didn't – " he started to protest but then realised it was probably pointless. It was probably obvious and if Zi Wei didn't recognise what about Xiao Jian bothered him then she would have to be quite stupid, which she wasn't.

"I'm serious, though," she said. "I know Xiao Yan Zi's not exactly sensitive and she probably doesn't realise what her attention to him looks like or what his attention to her means. When all's said and done, she'd always had other choices, but she won't fall in love with Xiao Jian for the reason she wouldn't have fallen in love with Er Tai and why she never fell in love with Liu Qing."

"I think she would have had fair chance of happiness with Liu Qing if he ever was inclined that way for her," Yong Qi said.

"No, Liu Qing is about as sensitive as she is and seeing as she sometimes doesn't even recognise what her own feelings are, she needs someone who can do it for her. Liu Qing wouldn't have seen the way she cried into her rice bowl because she's jealous. Liu Qing wouldn't have followed her when she took off on that horse and even if he did, he probably wouldn't have done whatever it is it took to make her stop being mad."

Yong Qi laughed. "You don't even know what happened."

Zi Wei smiled. "No, but I know it takes sweet talk to get Xiao Yan Zi down from that temper and Liu Qing wouldn't know where to begin."

"And Er Tai?"

"Er Tai wouldn't have the patience. He's too logical and too self-righteous. I highly doubt he would ever come apologise if they ever fight because she would be the unreasonable one most of the time and he wouldn't apologise for being right."

Yong Qi thought about Zi Wei's words and realised that she was right about both Liu Qing and Er Tai. There really was a reason why they wouldn't have been what Xiao Yan Zi truly needed.

Er Tai always thought the world was divided into black and white, right and wrong. He would probably never understand the whirlwind of colours that Xiao Yan Zi could bring to life. He was probably best off with Sai Ya, who was like a desert wind, tough and strong, both inside and out. Xiao Yan Zi only had the hard exterior, which Er Tai apparently mistook for what she was like as a whole, which was why he said the two girls were the same.

The truth was, the more Yong Qi knew of Xiao Yan Zi, the more he realised that she really was the porcupine he likened her to earlier. Her bravado on the outside was just a shield for all the weakness she hid deep in her heart. She was afraid of loneliness, of not being loved, of losing people she loved, of things she didn't know and didn't understand. Her tears and insecurities that came out everytime they argued were all evidence of this. Liu Qing really wouldn't have been able to understand this.

"Xiao Jian would have neither the sensitivity nor the patience to deal with Xiao Yan Zi," Zi Wei concluded.

"I don't know," Yong Qi grumbled. "He seems pretty atuned to her needs."

Zi Wei shook her head. "He indulges her, because she fascinates him. Sometimes I think he indulges her because he knows it annoys you."

Great. So his feelings were that obvious that Xiao Jian was mocking him for it. That was exactly what Yong Qi needed to know.

She smiled at his disgruntled expression. "To be honest, I think Xiao Jian is enough of a loose cannon ball by himself, he needs someone calmer than Xiao Yan Zi. They wouldn't suit anyway. And I'm not saying this just to comfort you."

"How can you look at the way he treats Xiao Yan Zi and come up with that?"

"Oh, I'm not saying that right now he doesn't make it obvious that he likes her, but he hasn't seen both sides of her. He'd only ever seen her happy and giddy and jumping up and down. He'd never had to deal with her in a temper directed at him. He'd never seen her truly sad and upset and have to comfort her. I don't think he would understand all the underlying reasons for her to act that way because half of the time the reasons aren't rational and she doesn't realise them to begin with. I don't think Xiao Jian really understands what a contradiction Xiao Yan Zi can be. I think he sees the way you two argue and fight and thinks that each fight will end up ruining your relationship. But you know that no matter how much you fight and no matter what she shouts at you when you argue, that she only does it because she knows at the end of it all, you'll still love her no matter what. She needs someone who would do that, love her despite all of her irrationality, unreasonableness and blindness to almost everything that pertained to her heart."

Yong Qi couldn't hold back a chuckle. "You make it sound all so much more romantic than it really is."

"It is, even if it might not seem like it when she's slamming doors in your face. And you know it's true, even if right now you only see her fascination with Xiao Jian."

Yong Qi sighed. Of course he loved Xiao Yan Zi, but he didn't love her for irrationality, unreasonableness or blindness or even in spite of them. He just loved her. But did Xiao Yan Zi need that love as much as Zi Wei seemed to think? Xiao Yan Zi had lived fine before him without him. Perhaps in the palace, when everything after all this time still seemed alien to her, he was one of the safe haven she could cling to, but now, outside the palace, did she need him any longer?

After all, this was her world, and he had slowly came to realise that in that world, he was, honestly, no better than anyone. In fact, the upbringing he had would do nothing to help him survive here. In a battle of the fittest here, he certainly would not have anything up against someone like Xiao Jian. It all was a very depressing thought, considering how for his entire life, so many people had put him up on a pedestal that, as arrogant as it sounded, he wasn't sure how to deal with being inferior to someone.

Zi Wei looked at Yong Qi thoughtfully for a long time, as if she was trying to decide whether to continue speaking her mind. Yong Qi didn't press her.

"Honestly, I had my own worries at some point," she admitted a while later. "Not exactly that she was going to fall for Xiao Jian, but that she might let her feelings run away with her. But in the end, I realised maybe the problem was that we all were thinking too much. We think about how Xiao Jian treats her, and how she likes Xiao Jian too and how it might affect her feelings for you. But in thinking that it's like we don't trust her and forgetting one of her most wonderful trait: her loyalty. Once she cares for someone she does it fiercely and unwaveringly. Besides, she just doesn't _think _like that. I don't think Xiao Yan Zi ever equates her interest in Xiao Jian – or any other man for that matter – with romantic love. She just treats them all as buddy. That's why it's such a shock when you tripped her up."

"I don't see where the difference is."

"You see, for the first time there's someone who would move heaven and earth for her, who sees both her giddy exterior and her desperate need for love and care deep inside of her, someone whose world brightens because of her and her alone. At heart, she's still a girl and it's very hard to not feel moved by such devotion. You can't expect Xiao Yan Zi to fall in love on her own, because she just doesn't. But once you let her in and show her how much she means to you, her heart can't help but melt. I think Xiao Yan Zi had spent her life so deprived of love that she could only really let herself fall for someone whose love could never change, who would love her enough to stick with her through everything, and never ask why. I look at Xiao Jian and I see interest and compassion, but he doesn't act like the world is suddenly a more beautiful place because of her. In the end, perhaps he likes her, but he will never be able to love her as much as you do. That is the difference and I think perhaps Xiao Yan Zi is wiser than all of us, because she understands that in her heart, even if she probably can't articulate it."

"In other words, we think and talk too much?" Yong Qi asked, smiling weakly.

"Yes," she chuckled. "We make things too complicated. To Xiao Yan Zi, she loves you and likes Xiao Jian, that's got nothing to do with each other."

"It's kind of hard to think of it that way watching the two them."

Zi Wei smiled sympathetically and patted his arm. "Well think of it this way. If Xiao Jian were to have his own Cai Lian now, she probably wouldn't run off in a fit of jealousy."

"I wish he _would_," he grumbled.

"Well, sometimes I wish another Cai Lian _would _show up for you and make Xiao Yan Zi realise that she is taking you for granted somewhat," Zi Wei said, smiling.

Laughter escaped before Yong Qi even realised it. "I don't think I'm that desperate yet, Zi Wei," he said. "Besides such a wish sounds like it might backfire quite spectacularly."

"Probably. But just for future reference, if you ever go into another haunted house and Xiao Yan Zi screams Xiao Jian's name and hides behind him, then and only then should you worry."

Their conversation more or less ended there, because right at that moment, crashes from the kitchen echoed out, making Zi Wei look up, not surprised at all. She smiled encouragingly at him once before leaving to find what the mishap was.

Yong Qi stayed with his thoughts. The thing was, Zi Wei was right. Xiao Yan Zi was too loyal and too _good _to deliberately hurt him, to play with his feelings. He didn't even think that Xiao Jian was capable of deliberately trying to take her away, no matter how he felt. The man had a sense of honour, that much Yong Qi was sure of. So why did he feel this way?

Insecurity was a bile that ate at him from the inside out, making him think things that he didn't want to think about at all and he didn't like it. It was strange, how could being compared to someone like Xiao Jian ended up being the thing that introduced him to such a feeling when he never felt the need to even think about it next to all his brothers and men like Er Kang?

Or maybe this was just another thing that only Xiao Yan Zi could ever make him feel. Somehow, all of it just made him realise that he truly loved her, utterly and totally, and that there was no way back now. Not that there ever was.

Either way, he'd given up trying to tell himself that he shouldn't feel this way. It was useless and he would feel anyway. It wasn't as if he could stop Xiao Jian and Xiao Yan Zi feeling whatever it was that they were feeling anyway. Only time and fate knew where these feelings would take them.

Sounds drifted out from the house to meet him, a sign that Xiao Yan Zi, Liu Hong and Zi Wei had left the kitchen and Er Kang and Xiao Jian had come out from whatever hiding place they'd been in to join them. Half of Yong Qi wanted to stay where he was and not face Xiao Jian at all, but in the end, he got up and made his way back to the house. Even if he didn't, they would be looking for him soon enough. He didn't feel up to explaining what he was doing out here all alone to anyone but Zi Wei. Besides, he didn't want to stay to find out whether Xiao Yan Zi would be the one to find him, or whether she would be too caught up in _other people _to even notice he wasn't there.

Either way, Mid-Autumn wasn't a time to be spent alone.


	34. Loss

**XXXIII. Loss  
**

* * *

_Swords and spears have no eye and war did not spare anyone but there is comfort to be found in the most devastating of losses. _

* * *

_**Day 1 **_

Dawn had broken on the army camp and the clear sky promised a beautiful, sunny day. The rays of golden sun peeked through the flaps of the tent, but Er Kang hardly noticed as he paced from one end to the other, waiting for news, feeling like he should be out there doing something, _anything_ to help the search. Instead, he had to stay in a vain attempt to tend to other logistic duties in the camp.

The army had set out in a battle yesterday morning, divided into four different groups, each led by General Fu Heng, Yong Qi, Er Kang and Xiao Jian. They had planned to attack the Burmese army from all four sides of their camp. Yong Qi and Er Kang kept their groups close to each other, as was part of the plan. During the chaos of the fight, Yong Qi had fallen from his horse, but Er Kang was still too far away to get to him for aid. He only saw, while trying to fight his own way out of the thick battle, hundreds of arrows seeming to make their way to where Yong Qi must have fallen, not to mention the elephant army that trampled all about, killing more men than swords and arrows. Even then, Er Kang was too caught up in the fight and had not allowed himself the rationality and time to realise what it all meant.

The Burmese army since then had pushed Er Kang and his soldiers back closer to the Chinese camp so that he could not check on Yong Qi. He knew, however, in battle, he could not possibly be at Yong Qi's back like he wished, not when they had thousands of men to watch over, as well. He only had managed a wild hope that somehow, Yong Qi had survived all those blows and would get himself up on a horse and continue his fight.

The fight dragged on till evening, until the Burmese army inexplicably retreated; Er Kang only found out later that it was because the second front Fu Heng and Xiao Jian had put up had utterly defeated their other army. It seemed that the Burmese had put up their strongest fronts against Er Kang and Yong Qi, which explained the density of soldiers that surrounded Yong Qi. Still, when rest of the remaining army retreated back to camp, Yong Qi was not among them.

They had sent scouts out to the battle field to look for any sign of him, though it was pitch dark. With that darkness, a heavy sense of dread weighted down on Er Kang. He didn't want to face what that dread might mean.

Now, the scouts had returned and it was morning. Er Kang heard the sound of the horn, signalling news, and quickly stepped out of the tent, coming in immediate contact with light. The sheer contrast of the bright sunlight compared with the starless, moonless night a few hours earlier made Er Kang's eyes hurt. Somehow the sun was so bright, so blinding, that for the first moment, all Er Kang could see was that there was a body sprawled on one the soldiers' horses. It was dressed in the red armour and helmet that Yong Qi had worn when they started out in the battle yesterday morning.

But that body could not possibly be Yong Qi. It couldn't possibly be. Er Kang kept telling himself this and it didn't matter whether it was true or not because surely, if he kept repeating it, it would come true. That body was not Yong Qi. That body was not his friend. That body was not his brother. That body was not his Prince. The statements became a chant inside Er Kang's head as soon as he recognised the uniform on the still body on the horse. The chant became louder still as he stepped closer and the horrible truth hit him like a sickening punch to the stomach.

"It can't be!"

Er Kang only vaguely heard Fu Heng's cry beside him. The voice seemed unnaturally loud in the stillness of the beautiful morning, but Er Kang hardly noticed. He was still staring hard at the body that the soldiers were lowering from the horse, still trying to convince himself that _it was not Yong Qi_.

"No, good Heaven, no!" came Fu Heng's strangled cry again. In another situation, Er Kang would wonder at the apparent lack of control from the seasoned General, who was surely used to these kind of things. "Is he – ?"

"We found Wu Ah Ge in the pass where he had taken the Second Army yesterday, General. And I regret to report…"

Er Kang could not be sure whether the soldier managed to finish his report. It was as if only one of his senses managed to work, and his hearing had given way to his sight. Even then, his sight was drawn only to the still figure that the soldiers had placed onto a stretcher in front of him. The body in red armour seemed to stand out in sharp relief against everything around it, so that it was the only thing that Er Kang could see. The sight burned into his eyes, as painful as the sun had been just a moment before. He averted his eyes to avoid the pain, but he saw, instead, the soldier who had brought the body back, still kneeling and offering a sword up to the General.

The golden sheath glinted in the sunlight, stained with blood. The red stood in such contrast against the yellow gold that Er Kang couldn't look at it for long either; it was too painful to keep looking at that rusty red colour and wonder whose blood it was.

He turned back to the body and made himself look again; a wild, absurd wish rose in his heart, that perhaps in that second it took him to look away, the body had changed, and that it was not his friend lying there, lifeless, in front of him. Still, Yong Qi was there, just as he was the second before. There was no denying that face, that form and those clothes. And this was his sword. Yong Qi would not lose his sword so easily.

Er Kang felt rather than heard Xiao Jian call his name, but he could also feel the painful grip Xiao Jian had taken of his arm. Fu Heng knelt down to inspect his Prince's battered body and muttered distraught apologies to the Emperor. He would only have to repeat these apologies when they got back to the capital. Er Kang could only continue to stare at the body that was once his friend in front of him, feeling like someone had dumped a bucket of ice all over him, so that he felt numb and cold.

They had faced death many times before, but it had never come. It never really was a reality for them, even in these months of war. Somehow, they had escaped death so many times that it seemed never to touch them. They were not supposed to die so easily, especially not Yong Qi.

Still…here it was. Er Kang wasn't sure he could believe it. _How could Yong Qi die_? He was supposed to live a thousand years! How could he, Er Kang, _let _Yong Qi die? Wasn't it just his _job_ to keep him alive?

The weight of the failure seemed to crash all about Er Kang, crippling him. He was sure that it was only Xiao Jian's grip that was keeping him upright.

Of course, this was a war situation and they were both soldiers, equals. Er Kang could not have protected Yong Qi any more than have prevented him going to battle in the first place. It was useless to think this, however, because what use was Er Kang's job if at the most crucial moment, he could not protect Yong Qi at all?

Somehow, in a daze, Er Kang managed to get himself back into the tent where the soldiers had moved the body. Sunlight still danced in and out, though now it seemed almost mocking.

Now was the time to discuss what to do next. There was no time to grieve in war, even if Er Kang did want to break down, to shut down and to run away from the truth. The war and his own presence in it had never felt so absurd.

But still, discuss the next steps, they would. If the Burmese had retreated for good, and the war _was _over, they had to find a way to inform the palace of…this. If, Heaven forbid, the war was not over, they could not leave Yong Qi's body here in Yunnan to be buried with all the other soldiers either.

However, that question was quickly answered, as no sooner had Fu Heng, Er Kang and Xiao Jian came together to pose the question that the second scout team returned, with exuberant information that the Burmese had in fact retreated beyond the border and looked like they had no intention of coming back.

"The war is over. And at such a price." Er Kang's voice shook as the truth washed over him, unsettling him. The war was over and they would go home. Just yesterday, if he had known home would be in sight so soon, he would have jumped for joy. Now, he had never dreaded the thought of home more. He wasn't sure how he could come back and face everyone, being alive and well and breathing, while Yong Qi…

The thought was unbearable.

It was fortunate that despite his initial break down, Fu Heng soon gathered all his hard-earned experience in the battle field and took charge of the situation. He was obviously in far better control than Er Kang could hope to be at that moment. It was his voice, steady and commanding, that drew Er Kang out to listen.

"We will need to settle things here. I will need to inform Huang Shang by mail, first. Captain, considering all things, I would like to ask you to write to Wu Fu Jin."

Wu Fu Jin.

The syllables rang in his ears and it took several moments for Er Kang to realise who Fu Heng was talking about. When the terrifying truth sank in, he snapped his head up and stared at the General in pure horror.

_Xiao Yan Zi_!

If Er Kang ever felt like fainting, it was now.

How was he supposed to tell Xiao Yan Zi this? How _could _he tell her? After everything she had lost, how could he tell her this? It would surely kill her!

"I...I think he is in shock, General. I will stay with him, if you will excuse us from duty for a while," Xiao Jian managed to say. His voice was as shaky as Er Kang felt. Fu Heng nodded and exited from the tent, leaving Er Kang, Xiao Jian…and Yong Qi together.

Er Kang walked slowly to where the remains of his friend lay. He didn't want to look at the body. He wanted the figure in front of him to just go away, to vanish, to be replaced by his friend, full of life again. No matter how hard he wished, the truth in front of him refused to change.

"Oh Xiao Yan Zi, I'm so sorry!" He fell to his knees in front of the body and trembled. The ground was cold and hard but he didn't notice. He reached out, took Yong Qi's arms and settled them crossing over his chest. The body felt colder than the darkest winter's day, sending horrible shivers all through Er Kang's own body, so that for a moment Er Kang wondered whether he was dead himself. Xiao Jian sank down beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder. He wondered at the immediate contrast between the life-full warmth of Xiao Jian's touch compared to how Yong Qi just felt a moment earlier.

"Would you like me to write to Xiao Yan Zi?" Xiao Jian's voice was hoarse and Er Kang knew he was choking back emotions too.

"No! I don't want either of us to have to tell her this! How could she bear it, Xiao Jian? And the baby…I can't – "

It was not fair! It was not fair! Yong Qi was not supposed to die, not when there was Xiao Yan Zi waiting for him back home, not when she was carrying their only child, the child they've wished for for so long. Oh Heaven, none of them were supposed to die!

He could feel Xiao Jian tremble beside him.

"I know."

They could not stay there looking at the body for long. If by staring at him could bring Yong Qi back, Er Kang would gladly do it for eternity, but he knew better. Death was not something that could be reversed, no matter what power you yielded. Somehow, _somehow_, Er Kang could never be sure how, he did manage to tear himself from just staring at Yong Qi and trying to get past the mixture of denial and painful realisation. He made himself sit at the desk with a piece of blank paper in front of him and a brush in his hand.

The sheet of paper was a cold white colour, as white as a shroud or as the mourning clothes that would cover them now. Er Kang found himself transfixed by that blinding whiteness. He was afraid to touch it, to mar it with black ink.

He only managed to write Xiao Yan Zi's name before he had to pause again, staring at the ink marks on the paper. The ink on the brush was drying, making the fine tip brittle, yet he still could not get past the greetings line.

How was he supposed to tell Xiao Yan Zi that Yong Qi was dead? How was he supposed to tell Xiao Yan Zi that the child she carried would be born without ever knowing its father? After everything that Xiao Yan Zi had lost, how could she lose Yong Qi as well?

* * *

_**Day 2 **_

By the same time next day, the reality had sunk in a bit, the letter to Xiao Yan Zi was still not written and it seemed that Fu Heng struggled as much in writing the letter to Qian Long.

Breakfast was over, a scant meal often found in an army that had camped in one place for as long as they had. A shipment of supply was due to the camp that day; they all waited for it, for they could not pull up camp and start their journey back home without the supplies.

The mail would invariably accompany every shipment of supplies. Before, every one of them, but Er Kang and Yong Qi more than most, always looked forward to mail from home with the utmost impatience. For Er Kang, he had been raised in a military household but it was still his first time to go away to war himself. Even as he fulfilled his duties to his country, he still had his duty to his family as well; the mail always alleviated his worry about his parents, wife and children. For both Yong Qi and Xiao Jian, however, worry for Xiao Yan Zi was even greater. Even though her letters would somewhat assure him that she was safe, at the same time they brought even more worries of things that Xiao Yan Zi might be leaving out of her letters. However, Zi Wei knew that Xiao Yan Zi was reluctant to talk about unpleasant things in her letters to Yong Qi, and usually would relate certain things that she felt Yong Qi or Xiao Jian needed to know via her letters to Er Kang. These news were not always comforting, but it did comfort them both in the sense that they knew they could count on Zi Wei to support Xiao Yan Zi.

Today, however, the mail was less likely to bring comfort to either Er Kang or Xiao Jian, as the letters would only be a reminder that they had their own letters to write. Also, for the first time, Xiao Yan Zi's letter to Yong Qi would not be snatched up at the first moment it came by eager hands.

They awaited the mail with dread. Er Kang even went so far as to almost hope that the mail would somehow be delayed and not come today as planned. What that would accomplish, he wasn't quite sure, but he didn't think he could face reading the letters, being forced to remember that their wives were awaiting their news with every passing moment.

The mail came as was expected. Before it made its way to the camp, it had already been sorted, so that letters addressed to the generals were delivered swiftly. Er Kang had always been grateful for this, but today, the efficiency of the army post system seemed like a curse.

Er Kang, Xiao Jian and Fu Heng were sitting together in the strategy tent when the mail came. This time, they were discussing not war strategy, but how they would have to relate the news to everyone at home and begin to head home themselves. The letters came to them on a tray and was placed on the table where they sat. Er Kang could already recognise the different handwriting on the three piles of letter that lay there, all in a row.

One was for Fu Heng, one for Er Kang, one from Yong Qi, from their families, perhaps with notes from Qing Er to Xiao Jian hidden in Xiao Yan Zi's letter. Er Kang could tick off what was in each pile. For Fu Heng, there would be letters from his wife, from his children, all in one envelope. For him, there would be a letter from his parents, always full of worry from his mother, advice and wisdom from his father. Then of course, there was the blessedly long letters from Zi Wei. To Yong Qi, there were always two letters too, and he always received them with very different degrees of eagerness. Xiao Yan Zi's letter he could not read fast enough and frequently enough, while Zhi Hua's letter, well, that was more of a duty than anything else. His replies to Xiao Yan Zi could never be long enough, while Yong Qi seemed to approach replying to Zhi Hua's letters the same way he did writing reports to the Emperor: to the point, unemotional and tactful.

Looking now at the tray, Er Kang could already make out the different handwritings on the envelopes. He and Fu Heng slowly picked up their piles of letter, while Yong Qi's lay there, just as he himself lay in the next tent, in the coffin that newly came early that morning. Er Kang had to close his eyes for a moment to collect himself at the painful reminder of the situation.

"Take them," Fu Heng told him in a voice that only trembled slightly, after they had stared at the letters for a long time.

For the first time since he left home, Er Kang didn't open Zi Wei's letter right away, but took Yong Qi's letters and without a word to either Fu Heng or Xiao Jian, went to the tent where Yong Qi lay. Xiao Yan Zi's letter seemed to burn in his hands, as if begging to be opened like it always was.

Er Kang would never call himself squeamish, and had seen far too many corpses during the course of the war, but regardless of the fact that he was no longer in denial about Yong Qi's death, he still felt cold as he approached the coffin. The coffin was yet unsealed; Er Kang could not bear to seal it right at the moment they lay Yong Qi in it. Perhaps it was because he knew Yong Qi had been awaiting this letter from Xiao Yan Zi too. Now he would receive it, even if he could never read it. Surely Yong Qi deserved her words and her love with him for all eternity.

Er Kang placed Xiao Yan Zi's letter in the coffin, shifting Yong Qi's hand so that it lay over the letter, holding it there.

He could throw out Zhi Hua's letter, or tear it up and probably no one would be the wiser. Or he could place it in with Xiao Yan Zi's letter, so that she could have her place in Yong Qi's eternity too. He didn't have the right to make either decision for Yong Qi. What would Yong Qi had wanted him to do? Would he had told Er Kang to do as duty dictated, or would he had wanted to be selfish one last time and not make room for Zhi Hua? For once, Er Kang had no idea what the right answer was.

He caught sight of the brass basin full of still glowing ember, where earlier they had burned tributes for Yong Qi. Without giving himself more time to dwell on the matter, he dropped Zhi Hua's letter into the coal, and the corners of the envelope began to char. Er Kang watched as a small flame was born, each lick of the flame burning the letter a little by little. Yes, the letter would be sent up in flames, it would reach Yong Qi somehow, and if he wanted to receive it, he would.

Neither Fu Heng nor Xiao Jian asked what he had done with the letters when he returned to them. Perhaps they could already guess. He finally allowed himself to open Zi Wei's letter.

Zi Wei's letter wasn't always full of big news, often just contained trivial family matters. Today, however, her letter was brimming with excitement of wonderful news from the very first sentence. At least, it was wonderful news when Zi Wei wrote it. Now, in the context of things, Er Kang thought it had come with the worst possible timing.

"What's wrong?" Xiao Jian asked as Er Kang was forced to put down the letter and buried his face in his hands in despair. This was something that he didn't let himself do very often if he could help it.

Er Kang shook his head wearily and picked up the letter again to read a passage out loud.

_I'm sure as soon as Yong Qi reads his letter you'll hear all about the news that Xiao Yan Zi has given birth to a beautiful prince and you'll be as happy as I am for both of them. He was born just as dawn broke about five days, and we suppose he would be over half a month old by the time our letters get to you. I would have gladly written Yong Qi with the news immediately but Xiao Yan Zi wanted to write Yong Qi herself, so it wasn't until the physicians allow her out of bed that these letters are written. Everyone is naturally delighed with the birth of the prince, and obviously Xiao Yan Zi most of all. Now I understand why people say a new mother glows with happiness – that is a very apt description of Xiao Yan Zi's joy. I have not seen her smile so much, especially lately. She's almost giddy with happiness. It doesn't seem like anything could make her unhappy now. Huang Ah Ma has named the child Mian Yi…_

Zi Wei went on in even more details of Xiao Yan Zi's joy, but Er Kang could not go on. His voice was breaking with Zi Wei's assurance that nothing could make Xiao Yan Zi unhappy now. Oh, how little did she know!

He looked up at his companions, both of whom look stunned at the news that had just suddenly descended on them. It was in no way a surprise; after all, Xiao Yan Zi had written shortly after they arrived in Yunnan to let Yong Qi know that she was with child and Yong Qi had known that he might not be back in time to be there for this child's birth and would have to learn of it here, on the battlefield. Just a few days earlier, when they were planning for that last campaign, Yong Qi had told Er Kang of his impatience for news from home, as they all knew the time for the birth was almost upon them. Now that news was here at last; it should have brought them all so much happiness and hope. They should have Yong Qi making a fool of himself with happiness next to them. Instead, the weight of the untold news pressed in on them from all sides.

"A child, a prince." Fu Heng sounded as if he could not bring himself to believe it.

"It's so unfair!" Xiao Jian's voice uncharacteristically uncontroled. "It's so unfair that after everything, that he would never know…"

Er Kang heard both their exclamations, but could not comment. After all, what could he say? Yes, it was unfair that after everything that had brought them grief, the moment there was something to bring joy back into their lives, Yong Qi wouldn't be able to enjoy it with Xiao Yan Zi. It was unfair that after everything Xiao Yan Zi had been through, she had to suffer this most painful blow most of all. It was unfair because Mian Yi deserved all the happiness surrounding his birth, but as soon as this painful news reached Beijing, all the celebration would have to make way for grief. It was unfair that Yong Qi would never know his son and this child would have to grow up without ever knowing his father, especially when Yong Qi had so desperately waited for his birth and would had been ecstatic at the news.

"How am I supposed to tell her now?" Er Kang's question was posed to no one in particular. Neither Xiao Jian nor Fu Heng seemed to know how to answer him. They all now imagined how much happiness must be contained in Xiao Yan Zi's letter to Yong Qi, and she likely was waiting every second for an equally happy reply. The letter she would next receive would just be that much more devastating.

"At least," Fu Heng said at length, "it is a boy. It will be comfort for her to know that she at least has that protection to fall back on. The child will ensure that her future is secured." He said this a sort of monotone that clearly showed that he didn't believe Xiao Yan Zi would find any comfort in this. After all, his exposure to the princess had certainly allowed him to observe that she didn't marry Yong Qi for any social position or material comfort.

Still, Er Kang warned him, "I hope you do not say _that_ when you see her, sir, as she would likely want to punch you if you said that you expected her to use her child as a shield from anything."

"He would be her shield, regardless of her wishes." However the General nodded to show that he understood what Er Kang meant, nonetheless. "Still," he carried on in a more wearied tone, "we should not give her more time to dwell on the hope of a happy reply, especially when that hope would be dashed most cruelly as it is. We should get on with writing those letters. Huang Shang and Wu Fu Jin need to know, even if it would bring them no joy and is torture for us to deliver the news."

Er Kang could not think anything to say to delay the inevitable. Fu Heng was already getting up and walking out of the tent and Er Kang could only look over to Xiao Jian with a grimace, and saw that his friend, too, had dread written all over his face. He was planning to write to his sister anyway, but with the recent revelation, the letter was becoming a thousand times more difficult to write.

* * *

A rather large pile of crumpled drafts at his feet and several hours later, Er Kang nearly threw the writing brush down. He was somewhat relieved that the letter was written at last, but still wanted to tear it up and never send it off.

Xiao Yan Zi would surely know something was wrong as soon as she saw the letter addressed to her in his handwriting instead of Yong Qi's. Er Kang had to resist the urge to forge Yong Qi's handwriting on the envelope just to give Xiao Yan Zi some sort of peace of mind before she opened it. But what use would that be? Such an act would only be even crueler; it would be outright deception. He could not bear to do that to Xiao Yan Zi, not on top of everything else as well.

Writing this letter had made him realise that for all his education, there had never been a lesson on how to deliver news like this. He still wasn't convinced that he had reached a balance between getting to the point and not being too abrupt. Running a hand across his wearied face, Er Kang shoved the letter quickly into the envelope to stop himself dwelling on it any longer. There was no way this letter would be perfect. There was no good way to write such a letter. No matter how he approached it, Xiao Yan Zi would feel the same pain.

He placed letter aside before picking up his brush again, this time to write to Zi Wei. To Zi Wei, he could confess all his helplessness, all his guilt, his feeling of incompetency. Instead of weighing every word so that it would soften to news for Xiao Yan Zi, in his letter to Zi Wei, he could bare his soul and let her understand all his hurt and pain, knowing that when he arrived back in Beijing, they would share the job of comforting Xiao Yan Zi.

* * *

_**Day 6 **_

Two days before they were scheduled to start the journey back to Beijing, Er Kang finally sought out Xiao Jian to have the conversation that they both knew was coming. They knew they would have to discuss it at some point, regardless of whether Yong Qi was alive or not. The conversation was even more pressing now that Yong Qi wasn't coming back to Xiao Yan Zi, and she would need her brother's comfort more than ever. Perhaps they both knew the inevitable conclusion to the conversation, and thus neither of them had yet mentioned it to each other. From the moment that they had convinced themselves that Yong Qi had died, the issue existed like an invisible thorn between Er Kang and Xiao Jian, and they would brush against it every now and then, but both try to ignore it until it was not possible to hold the talk off anymore.

"Will you be going back to Beijing with us?" Er Kang felt that he knew before Xiao Jian answer what the answer would be. Still, he had to ask.

"I – I don't think it will be a good idea," Xiao Jian said slowly, deliberating over every word. He stood staring out onto the horizon, not looking at Er Kang. "My presence will make too much of a fuss that would be inappropriate."

The tone of his voice was empty of the grudge that Er Kang half-expected, and instead was filled with regret. The same regret flooded Er Kang too, as his fears were confirmed. He wondered how he could face Xiao Yan Zi and tell her that even though she had lost Yong Qi, he could not even bring her brother back to comfort her, either. The weight of the responsibility seemed to bear an excruciating weight on his shoulders and he clenched his fists together in a vain attempt retain his composure.

"Your presence would be what Xiao Yan Zi needs!" There was anguish in his cry and no little amount of reproach, though he had tried to stem the reproach for his friend's sake. He knew the separation can't be what Xiao Jian desired as well.

"I would not be allowed in the palace and she would not be allowed outside of it, Er Kang," came the mournful reply. Er Kang could not dispute this. "You know that."

Xiao Jian finally turned and looked directly at Er Kang, and Er Kang could tell that he was being sincere. Er Kang could already feel both Xiao Yan Zi's and Qing Er's disappointment when they saw that Xiao Jian did not come back.

Both men were silent for a long moment. Er Kang used the silent to contemplate the situation they now found themselves, especially with the secret that they had to carefully kept this past year, a secret for which both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi had paid too hefty a price. The idea had floated in his mind these few days as he considered the consequences of Yong Qi's death on this secret, and this was possibly the only time he would get to discuss it with Xiao Jian.

"I think in light of this, we might need to tell Huang Ah Ma the truth. I don't think Xiao Yan Zi will be able to keep it a secret anymore, nor Zhi Hua for that matter."

"Are you sure?" Xiao Jian's tone bore no sign that he opposed the idea of having the secret come out; he wore only an expression of concern at the consequences of revealing it at all.

Er Kang knew the consequences were great, and they might be putting themselves all in peril again if they revealed it to the Emperor. But then he forced himself to remember how much this secret was taking from them all, how much it was costing them to keep it. The emotional weight of the secret had borne on Xiao Yan Zi this past year, and now that they were adding the pain of Yong Qi's death, Er Kang feared what would happen if they did not take away at least one of the burdens.

"I don't think it's healthy, now, to put Xiao Yan Zi under so much pain. Unless she loses her head and do something…rash, nothing will come to her even if we did reveal the secret. As much as she might hate it, she does have the baby as her shield. No one in their right mind would lay a hand on her when she hasn't committed any real crime. I promise you that I will try my best to protect Xiao Yan Zi, especially now."

"Thank you, Er Kang. And will you tell my sister that – " Xiao Jian didn't finish, however Er Kang still understood. There was too much Xiao Jian wanted to say to his sister at this time and there was no way he would be able to tell Er Kang all. Then suddenly, Xiao Jian held his flute out to Er Kang. "Here, give her this. She will have Yong Qi's sword – " his voice trembled for a moment, " – and my flute. I will come back for it. For now, at least she'll have a part of us with her."

* * *

_**Day 40 **_

Xiao Yan Zi was roused awake by the sound of Mian Yi crying next door, but the sound quickly stopped when the nurse must have rushed to the baby in time.

For a long moment, Xiao Yan Zi lay still, almost wishing to stall the start of the day. But what was the point? The day would come, and she would have to face it, like she faced every other day thus far, like she would have to face the days coming. In any case, she was awake and with each waking moment, she became more aware of how big and empty the bed was, how there was no comforting presence beside her, to pull her lazily into his arms, to encourage her to linger a little more in the warmth of the blanket.

Suppressing a sigh, she pushed the blanket off and dragged herself out of bed. She felt cold, but that was not a surprise. The cold seemed almost normal now, considering she had been drowning in it ever since the news came. It was not the temperature that was cold; no, for that time of year, the temperature was quite warm. It was her heart and body that was cold, lacking the warming heat of his presence and his love.

Xiao Yan Zi shivered as she threw on some clothes before crossing to the door that connected her room to the nursery.

She had learnt, in the past month, to take care of herself, to eat enough, to sleep enough, to dress warmly enough. It wasn't only to keep Zi Wei, Qing Er, Ling Fei and everyone else around her from fussing about her health. Every time she had the urge to not care, to skip every meal because everything she ate tasted like dust, she would be reminded of Yong Qi's worry for her before he went away, of his words bidding her to take care of herself in his letters and of how she had promised him that she would take care of herself, for his sake, for Mian Yi's sake. Yong Qi would not want her to waste away for him. She knew that much. So as much of a chore as it was to pull herself out of bed every morning, to face another day without him, after another long, lonely night without him, she made herself do it anyway. She owed it to Mian Yi, at least. Her baby had already lost his father, she could not bear to see him lose her as well.

She opened the door to the nursery and went in. The nursery was the only place where she could get any kind of peace. Mian Yi's presence was a balm that comforted her, even if he could never push away all the aching grief.

"Fu Jin ji xiang."

The wet nurse was unable to get up because the baby was nursing hungrily so Xiao Yan Zi simply nodded at her greeting, sat down and waited. Sometimes she envied Li Mei, the nurse, who got to take care of _her_ baby in all the ways that Xiao Yan Zi herself wished she was allowed to do. She did manage to nurse the baby herself the couple of days after his birth. The feel of him in her arms, the overwhelming love that flooded her as she fed her baby almost made her dizzy. She never thought anything could feel so magical. She wished she didn't have to hand the duty over to the wet nurse but stupid, unreasonable, ridiculous etiquette demanded that she did. It was unfair that she had to give away that duty. Why should it be Li Mei's job to raise Xiao Yan Zi's child?

Still, she could not grudge Li Mei for long, for the young woman, in the short time that Xiao Yan Zi knew her, was devoted to Xiao Yan Zi and to Mian Yi. Xiao Yan Zi could tell that she loved the baby as much as she herself did, if that was possible at all. Li Mei had lost her own baby and therefore had transferred all her affections to her little master. Xiao Yan Zi was not fool enough to be ungrateful for that devotion, even if she still had to fight back pangs of jealousy when she knew in the future, Mian Yi's own affections would be divided between her and the nurse.

"How did he sleep?" she asked quietly.

"Very well, Fu Jin," was the reply. "He was up a couple of times at night but otherwise he's been very good all night. I think he'll be sleeping through the night before long."

Xiao Yan Zi simply nodded again. The baby had finished eating and Xiao Yan Zi rose to take him from his nurse and settled down on the couch with him in her arms while Li Mei tidied up the room.

Xiao Yan Zi rested her cheek against the baby's smooth, high forehead. The sweet scent of baby engulfed her, filling her with love and wonder that such strong feeling was even possible. His hair was soft as down-feather against her skin. Sometimes he felt so delicate that she was almost afraid to hold him too tight, for fear of suffocating him.

"The army comes back today." She was hardly sure whether the whisper was to Li Mei or to the baby.

She could hear Li Mei pause in her progress, but didn't look up. The baby looked at Xiao Yan Zi with wide eyes. His eyes were so like Yong Qi's, and Xiao Yan Zi could not help the wave of pain every time she looked at those eyes. The baby seemed to understand Xiao Yan Zi's words, as he gurgled and gave an unmistakable smile. How unfair it was, that the smile only made a keen sense of regret sweep over Xiao Yan Zi as she thought about how Yong Qi had never seen it, and would never see it, or even knew such a smile existed. That was the bitterest pain of all, because Xiao Yan Zi wanted to feel the joy and marvel of having their son in her arms but it would always be overpowered by the regret at what Yong Qi had missed out.

"Ah Ma comes back today," she choked, and this time it was to the baby. She pressed a kiss on Mian Yi's head, then clenched her teeth to stop her tears falling on him. She had cried enough over him in the last month. It wasn't fair to Mian Yi that she cried every time she held him and thought of his father. But it was impossible to not cry whenever she considered the injustice their entire situation. Hadn't they lost enough before Mian Yi came along? Didn't Yong Qi deserve to at least know?

"Fu Jin?" Xiao Yan Zi wasn't sure how much time had passed when Li Mei's voice gently shook her out of her pained reverie. She quickly brushed away her tears and looked up. "Qing Ge Ge just checked in. You should go get ready."

Xiao Yan Zi just looked forlornly about the room for a moment, not wanting to leave and face the whole world out there. She wished she could hide in here, hide from reality, from the agony that was unavoidable today. This room was the only place where she could get comfort, yet at the same time torture her with Mian Yi's reminders of Yong Qi.

Qing Er and Zi Wei had taken on themselves to be around her at all times ever since they received the news. Zi Wei had had to go home the day before to get everything ready for Er Kang's homecoming and Qing Er had taken her place, staying the night at Jing Yang Gong. For that, Xiao Yan Zi was grateful. She didn't think she could face Zi Wei and know that Zi Wei would be welcoming her husband home when Xiao Yan Zi would never be able to do the same. She didn't want to hate Zi Wei for having that happiness, she didn't want to be envious of Zi Wei for having that luck, but Heaven knows that she would feel it, nonetheless. Somehow, being with Qing Er was slightly better. Perhaps because Qing Er knew the pains of separation as much as Xiao Yan Zi did at the moment, even though her separation from her lover could eventually end in a reunion someday, even if they didn't know when that someday was.

Get ready? For what? There was not much to get ready, not when you were expected to be in mourning dress. The simple, coarse, white gown was quite different from the soft silk she had been pampered with ever since coming into the palace.

She let Li Mei take the baby, however, then blindly made her way to her dressing room. Qing Er was there, though Xiao Yan Zi wasn't sure she would notice if Qing Er had not given her a tight hug.

She let Ming Yue and Cai Xia dress her, trying not to notice the ways their hands trembled on the new, coarse fabric and in her hair. The clothes hung around her body with a dead weight that only intensified the pain in her heart. Odd, she always hated the amount of makeup she was required to wear as part of her normal attire but this one time she was expected to wear none, she couldn't even be happy with it. The very concept of happiness seemed foreign to her now.

It was one of those days that she could never remember the details. There was nothing but pain. There was nothing but the all-too-powerful and ever-present knowledge that she had lost him forever and it wasn't even her choice. Once upon a time, she had tried to run away from him and had suffered for it, and the idea had never appealed to her again. This time, he was torn away from her in the cruelest way possible and all her senses wanted to scream in protest. The pain was ice, spreading all over her body from the deepest chambers of her heart, inside out.

She thought she would be in floods of tears when the moment came, but not being able to cry was worst. Crying would have eased the pain, it would have been relief, but her pain didn't afford her that. She had cried on and off ever since the news came, but today, it was as if all her tears were frozen inside her, keeping her in freezing agony but not letting her release it. It wasn't a pain that could be released or relieved. The pain just demanded to be felt.

How was it possible that it had come to this? When did she ever let herself fall so deep that the very loss of him should push her to such agony? She was no stranger to losses, and had always believed that you should never let yourself be crippled by it. But it was one thing to believe, it was another to actually act that way. She wished it didn't hurt so much, she wished she could keep herself from crumbling, but the truth was, when it came to him, she had been undone years ago. If she had ever wanted to prevent this pain, she should never have smiled at him from that very first meeting over tea and wine.

She had no idea how Zhi Hua dealt with it, since she could hardly handle even her own pain. She only knew, that at some point, Zi Wei and Qing Er managed to get her into her room, though she was still hanging on to Yong Qi's sword and Xiao Jian's flute like they were her life line. The sword seemed even colder than her heart to the touch and the cold cut into her deeply, but she could not relinquish it for anything; it was the last thing that he had touched. The flute was comfort, but reminding ever of the fact that neither her brother nor Yong Qi were here, and that from now on, she would have to deal with all the secrets that came with the flute alone.

* * *

_**Day 95 **_

When Qian Long arrived at Jing Yang Gong that day after the morning work was over, the place was very still. It had been still ever since Er Kang came back from war. There was nothing to bring a bit of liveliness to the place. Xiao Yan Zi had lost all her spirit and Zhi Hua, while accomplished in many things, could never really be called lively.

He had made more of an effort to come to Jing Yang Gong lately, partly because he felt it somehow brought him as close to Yong Qi as was possible, partly because he felt more responsible than ever now for Mian Yi's up-bringing, and partly because he wanted to make sure that Xiao Yan Zi didn't somehow drown herself in the grief. He didn't need to worry so much about Zhi Hua; she had her own way of dealing with the grief, and it involved visits to Lao Fo Ye, as if somehow listening to stories of how brilliant Yong Qi was as a child and how great he could have been was some sort of comfort. To Xiao Yan Zi, mentions of what could have been only seemed to give her pain, while it did the opposite for Zhi Hua.

That morning, however, Qian Long's had a rather different reason for coming here and had specifically made sure that Zhi Hua was not around, as he wanted to see Xiao Yan Zi alone.

He stopped the eunuchs from disturbing the silence of the house by announcing his presence in time. The silence seemed, to Qian Long, to come from all sides, announcing to him the still-lingering pain of its inhabitants. With heavy heart, he stepped into the house, only glancing at the white fabric that still draped over the sign that read the name of the building, a reminder that Yong Qi's 100th day anniversary of death was still to come. Mian Yi's 100th day was a few days back, but Xiao Yan Zi had refused the lavish celebration that should have happened. Instead, they had a small dinner at Jing Yang Gong with Er Kang, Zi Wei, Qing Er, Lao Fo Ye and Qian Long in attendance. It had been a strange sort of dinner, they all tried to be happy for Mian Yi's sake, though the little baby would have not known the difference regardless. Xiao Yan Zi was about as happy as could be expected considering the circumstances and the company. All in all, it was a rather stiff, but not altogether cold, family dinner.

He stepped through the rooms, pausing only to ask Ming Yue and Cai Xia where their mistress was. They directed him to the nursery, whose door was slightly ajar.

From outside, Qian Long could see Xiao Yan Zi sitting with her back slightly to him. Dressed in a white gown, lined black, she had Mian Yi in her arms, her head bowed over the baby's head. Her hair done up far more simply than before and she wore no jewellery. Her shoulders were shaking slightly, a sure sign that she was crying. That was not much of a surprise. Even though Zi Wei and Qing Er's encouragement did get Xiao Yan Zi smiling every once in a while, lately Qian Long was more likely to see her unhappy than not. In the rare times that she did involuntarily find something amusing, it was soon checked with an expression of guilt, as if she could not allow herself to think about happiness or enjoyment of anything without Yong Qi. It had been a long time since he had seen her so cheerful, full of light and joy as she was when she first came into the palace and he only realised in these last few months how much he had missed her joy.

Quietly, he pushed the door opened and entered the room. The oiled hinges didn't make a sound, only emphasising more the aching silence in the house. His daughter-in-law had not seen him yet. He approached her and she only looked up when he was right in front of her. She turned away quickly, startled by his sudden presence, brushing the tears away with the back of her hand while trying to stand up at the same time.

"Stay seated." He placed a hand on her shoulder and pushed her down, fearing that she might end up stumbling with the baby in her arms.

"Huang Ah Ma ji xiang."

She was still trying to hide the fact that she had been crying, as if that would be possible. Her voice was hoarse and thick with emotions still. Her eyes were red and there were tear-stains on her face. It appeared that she had given up on the makeup that day.

He pulled a handkerchief from his sleeve and handed it to her silently. She hesitated for a moment, until he pressed it into her hand.

She was pale, much paler than he ever remembered her being, but it was not for lack of makeup and was not the ivory complexion that ladies strived for. It was a pallid sort of pale, a sign that she had not been taking care of herself; the shadows under her eyes was telltale of a lack of sleep. In fact, the yellow fabric of the handkerchief in her hand stood out sharply against her ashen mien, her white clothes. She was much thinner than she should be. Her eyes no longer laughed and twinkled; but that had been the case even before Yong Qi died.

He wondered how he could push it aside before, how he could have failed to ask what was going on. Even with Zhi Hua's presence, the change in Xiao Yan Zi's demeanour in the last year was just too radical. He really should have known something was wrong, _especially_ when Yong Qi suddenly _asked_ to marry Zhi Hua! For Heaen's sake, he should know Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi better than any of his other children! And to think he failed to find out why Yong Qi suddenly _asked _to marry someone who he had refused even on pains of death just a few days before!

Now, his son, his hope, was gone forever. It hurt him more to think about it than he could possibly show. And Xiao Yan Zi, his Xiao Yan Zi, his fruit of joy, was totally eclipsed by the shadowy moon of grief.

He gestured to Mian Yi in her arms, in attempt to distract himself from these painful thoughts. "How is he?"

Xiao Yan Zi looked slightly relieved that he had not asked how she was. Previous times he had asked this had only resulted in an outright lie or silence for an answer. "He is growing very well. He's sleeping through the night now, which is a relief to both the wet nurse and myself, to be honest. Would you like to hold him?"

He took his grandson from her arms. Qian Long was not unused to babies. He had held many of them in his years, many of them being his children and grandchildren. He knew Mian Yi's very birth was a relief, considering Xiao Yan Zi's losses before, but he was a healthy and strong baby. And he was even more precious now, as Yong Qi's only heir. An overwhelming feeling of regret rose up in him as he considered the baby's future. "He will grow up to be much like his father. It is a pity his future will be decidedly less than what it should be."

He should be in line for the throne one day, but as it was, this could never be. Of course, none of it mattered to Xiao Yan Zi, but Qian Long himself could not help feeling the bitter disappointment of what could have been for his country. Yong Qi would had made a brilliant successor, and an emperor perhaps greater than even himself, for his son had a connection and understanding of the people like Qian Long did not. He should never have sent Yong Qi to war, no matter how it was Yong Qi's request. To hell with the request, he should have refused! He could not get over the guilt that he had wasted his most promising son's life on the battle field.

"I just wish Yong Qi could have _known_." It was clear that this was what she had been crying about that day as her voice trembled at Yong Qi's name. She bit her bottom lip and turned away, clearly not wishing to have him see her tears.

As Emperor, Qian Long was not in the habit of apologising for anything, but lately he felt he owed Xiao Yan Zi too many apologies. It was why he was here today in the first place. He just let Xiao Yan Zi gain control of herself again, before saying, "Perhaps you should put Mian Yi down, I want to talk to you for a bit."

She didn't ask him what he wanted to talk, but he knew she wondered. Qian Long realised with no little discomfort that it was not curiosity but wariness that was in the questioning gaze she gave him. Had things so changed between them that now he triggered such defensive reaction in her?

Xiao Yan Zi took the baby from him. They barely touched in the transfer but Qian Long could not help but startle at the contrast between the warmth of the baby and how cold Xiao Yan Zi's hand seemed.

Qian Long watched as she quietly Mian Yi in his cradle, taking he time to kneel down by it and soothing him, making sure he was comfortable. As odd as it sounded considering Xiao Yan Zi was not the most feminine of women, she seemed to be natural as a mother. That realisation only filled Qian Long with regret as he knew she would never be able to have the joy of more children. Mian Yi would be her only joy, and even then, that joy would always be coupled with a loss.

Eventually, she did return to sit next to him, her eyes downward on her lap. This submissive posture from Xiao Yan Zi was so absolutely strange that he could not help but stare at her for a moment. Yes, things had really changed a lot between them.

"You are not taking care of yourself, Xiao Yan Zi." He could not help the reproachful tone in his voice. She just shrugged and still didn't look at him. He sighed. "Xiao Yan Zi."

Still, her eyes were downcast.

"Xiao Yan Zi," he said more firmly. "Look at me." It took a moment before she would look up; her eyes were painfully blank. It wasn't a look that suited Xiao Yan Zi.

"What is the difference between suffering a drawn out death by not caring for yourself and just taking a sword and commiting suicide out right? Mian Yi needs you now, and while I know you throw yourself into taking care of him, right now it's you who need the most attention and care. You will be no use to him if you fall ill, or worst."

Xiao Yan Zi didn't answer. Qian Long tried another tactic. "Do you know how much it would hurt Yong Qi to see you like this now?"

She turned immediately away, her hands gripping the handkerchief tightly as hot tears spilled down her cheeks again.

"He would not want you to waste away days like this, Xiao Yan Zi."

"I know." Her answer came in broken sobs. "I try...but it's just – "

Her tears seemed to choke her so that she couldn't go on. Qian Long didn't say anything, but just let her cry. He wanted to hold her, to command away her pains, but he knew it was futile. Whatever power he wielded, he was powerless to help her through this struggle.

"I don't want to be like this, I want to be happy again," Xiao Yan Zi confessed, after she had cried all she could. Another moment of silence passed, then Xiao Yan Zi brushed away her tears and gave him a smile that he was sure was meant to be reassuring "Do not worry about me, Huang Ah Ma, I shall be all right. Eventually. I know Yong Qi would wish it so."

"Yes, he would. Just as he would wish that I still see you as my beloved Xiao Yan Zi, even after knowing the truth of your family."

He had gotten to the point of his visit today, and immediately his words made her stiffen. Her eyes were wide as she looked up at him but he was sure she could see no anger or hostility in his expression. Perhaps this confused her, because she immediately looked down again and fiddled with the handkerchief in her hand. The room suddenly felt a lot more claustrophobic. He let the silence stretch on for a moment longer, gathering his thoughts.

Shortly after Yong Qi's funeral, Er Kang and Zi Wei had come to him with the most extraordinary story of Xiao Yan Zi and Xiao Jian's family, and the real reason behind Yong Qi's marriage to Zhi Hua. The story had shocked him greatly, especially when it suddenly explained all his questions about both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi's strange behaviour in the last year. He knew Xiao Yan Zi must have known that Er Kang and Zi Wei had told him the story, though until now, she had made no mention of it to him. It had taken him this long to digest the story and face her with it.

"Why did you not tell me from the beginning?" he asked finally.

Her eyes snapped up to look at him in astonishment. "How could we have? Lao Fo Ye had Xiao Jian locked up – she truly believed he was a danger to your life – we could not possibly had risked it!"

"But if Xiao Jian had not been in danger, would you have told me?"

She looked down again, shifting uncomfortably. "I do not think I could have bore it well enough to tell you then, either." Her voice was so quiet that he strained to hear her.

"Did you hate me then?"

He couldn't help the small tremble in his voice, though he tried to school his features to not show it. The question he really wanted to ask was whether she hated him _now_, but he dared not ask it, in case the answer was too devastating.

"I – I think – I think a better word to describe it would be _angry_. Not just at the truth, but at…other things," she said, her voice thick with emotions. Other things probably included having Zhi Hua forced on her and Yong Qi at the most inopportune moment.

Qian Long did not consider himself a particularly good judge of women's feelings and emotions. In reality, with the inner court as it was, he actively stayed away from trying to understand the complex emotions of females. It would bring him more complications than comfort and relief to consider them. But right now, he could not help but be so atuned to what Xiao Yan Zi must had gone through then.

"I can remember the first time I met Xiao Jian. He looked at me with this strange expression; it was cold and sent shivers up my spine. " He could not help shivering again at the memory. "He could have killed me then."

Xiao Yan Zi didn't answer, but he could hear her gasping breaths.

"Did you – "

He trailed off, not wanting to really ask the question. He didn't want to hear that his beloved Xiao Yan Zi ever considered killing him.

She understood the implied question anyway.

"I would not be able to."

He held back a too obvious sigh of relief.

She looked up at him and said, her voice full of an intense sadness, "Yong Qi would always be there, first."

The way she said that last part was so simple, so matter-of-fact.

But it was true. Even if Xiao Yan Zi could hate him, even if she could consider killing him, and even if she was lost enough in her anger to try it, she would never be able to get to him. Because Yong Qi would always be there and if Xiao Yan Zi could kill Qian Long, it would be over Yong Qi's dead body.

It was not arrogance that made Qian Long believe so completely that Yong Qi would give his life for him. He had risked it once, after all. His son once ran into a burning building to save him. There was no doubt that he would stand between Xiao Yan Zi's sword and Qian Long. He probably would have taken her strikes without blaming her. Yong Qi would have seen it as payments he was making on his father's behalf for inflicting the pains of her childhood on her.

His brave, foolish, sometimes, son. He would never be able to have the comfort of knowing that there will be a capable ruler after him now. Qian Long had delayed on thinking of who would succeed him now, though he knew he must do it still. Part of the delay was denial, but also part of it was he really had no idea who he could replace Yong Qi with – _replace Yong Qi, _the idea was painful. Of his sons, most were either still children, not having proved themselves, or in some other way incapable or unable to inherit the throne. He could only hope that he would live long enough to see one of them shine, though he knew none of them would ever measure up to Yong Qi.

Xiao Yan Zi was speaking again, and he pulled himself together to listen.

"But I do not think I could, anyway," she confessed. "If I could…it would not hurt so much to find out."

"What do you mean?"

Here, she looked up at him with tears shining in her eyes.

"You are the _only_ father I've ever _known_. When I thought you had ordered my family's death, the irony of it was more painful than the realisation itself. But whenever I wanted to hate you, I would think about how took me in and loved me even though I was not your daughter. You let me get away with things that no one else would be able to." Tears were falling down her cheeks now and her expression held such a profound sense of pain and regret that it broke Qian Long's heart. "Even the fact that you were disappointed in the way I act around you after everything, it showed that before, you put so much trust in me…and I was only to blame myself for losing that trust."

He hated seeing Xiao Yan Zi in so much pain. His Xiao Yan Zi was supposed to be cheerful, his Xiao Yan Zi was supposed to make him laugh, his Xiao Yan Zi was supposed to look at him with that wonderful reverance, not doubting his affections for her.

It was just _wrong_.

He reached out and brushed the tears from her cheeks. "I have not been so good a father to you lately. I dismissed your behaviour as simply jealousy over Zhi Hua, when I should have tried to find out from the beginning why Yong Qi had such a rapid change of opinion about marrying Zhi Hua. I should have had more faith in you. Perhaps if I had persisted in finding out why, perhaps if I had pressed Yong Qi more for answers, he would have eventually told the truth."

"That does not matter anymore," Xiao Yan Zi said quietly. "You know now, you understand now."

"I understand," Qian Long nodded. "But do you? Do you really know exactly what happened that year, Xiao Yan Zi?"

She looked up at him with a questioning gaze. Then she seemed to understand what he meant.

"Well, everything I know, it was because my brother told me. And he knew because his adopted father told him. I suppose...I suppose I never thought about whether my father _was_ guilty..."

"The truth is, when Zi Wei and Er Kang told me this story, I hardly even remember the case. But I have looked back at the archives of the case. Would you want to hear about it from another point of view?"

"You wish to tell me, that is why you are here, are you not?" she asked. Qian Long almost smiled. There was that hint of the impertinence that he so loved about Xiao Yan Zi. She was right, she would be all right, eventually.

"The first thing you have to understand is that literary persecutions had existed throughout every reign, every dynasty. Your father was a Han, a proud man, heir of a noble lineage long established in Hang Zhou. That he and his family does not embrace the rule of a Manchurian dynasty was obvious, and thus far, I cannot blame your father or your ancestors for feeling this much. Even if they may have preferred a Han emperor, your family still had a good record of producing some of the finest officials Hang Zhou had ever seen. Perhaps your father liked to express his very unorthodox political views in poems, and in a normal circumstances, I would not pay much attention to harmless artistic pursuits if they do not accompany more sinister actions."

Qian Long paused in his account to observe Xiao Yan Zi's reaction thus far. There were none yet. She simply looked up at him expectantly, without any hint of pain or hostility on her face. She simply looked politely attentive, however Qian Long had enough practice in judging expression of others to see the way she held her lips showed that she was clenching her teeth. That was the only sign that betrayed her tension and the fact she was simply keeping off her emotions while listening to the story. It was with some regret that Qian Long realised her control, partly because it also dawned on him how much of her emotions she had been keeping hidden from him in the last year; he wondered when and how she had learnt such control. Where was the Xiao Yan Zi who wore her heart on her sleeves?

He continued his account after that short pause. "It would seem that your father had made enemies, however, with a man named Zhou Liang, who brought one his poems to my attention, and used that poem, with its rather controversial subtexts, as a public prosecution against your father. Once your father's poems had been publicly exposed in such light, I had to carry on with the prosecution, partly because the anti-Qing meanings in the poem were quite clear. It was very early into my reign, certain…examples needed to be made. Your father though, needed not die. His father, as I said, achieved many merits with the throne, and those merits could have been used to lighten his punishment. However, at the time I did not know about the grudge between Zhou Liang and your father, and put him in charge of the case, gave him all the rights to decide the punishments. Of course, if he were to sentence anyone to death, it had to have my approval first, unless it was an urgent issue. Zhou Liang therefore staged a scuffle in the prison, where it made out like your father was trying to break away from jail. Zhou Liang used the set up to declare your father as a dangerous assassin and had him killed on the spot without consulting me. Later, when the case was finally reported up to Beijing, of course it was too late, but one of Zhou Liang's subordinate, who could not bear to cover up Zhou Liang's wrong doing, reported to me exactly what happened, including the animosity between your father and Zhou. He was punished, of course, and died a few years later from illness."

Qian Long didn't even realise that while he was recounting all this, his eyes had been closed. He opened them to see that Xiao Yan Zi had covered her face with her hands, and was holding herself in a very stiff manner. He didn't call her, but just waited for her to look up. When she did, her cheeks were shining with tears. Her voice, however, was strong as she asked, "So you didn't give the order to kill him?"

"Technically no, but I know it won't matter much, either way. I am sorry it had turned out this way, Xiao Yan Zi. I know nothing I say now or even if I told you your father did not deserve death, none of it will make any difference. Nevertheless, you deserve to know the whole truth behind it and perhaps forgive me."

"Forgive you…for what?" she asked, looking at him with genuine question in her eyes. "You are right, none of it can be changed now." She seemed to have surprised even herself with her calmness, as she took a moment to mull over her thoughts. "The truth is…the truth is, if things didn't happen that way, I would never be in Beijing, I would never have met you, or Zi Wei, or Yong Qi. Zi Wei would never have gotten into the palace. Maybe Heaven had a plan, a plan that was meant to bring me to you, and it had to happen this way. I don't know. But you are right, I needed to know the whole story, so that I don't keep wondering."

"Wonder what?"

"Ever since I heard my brother's version of things, I keep asking myself, if you knew who I was, would you love me as before, or would you want me dead too…"

Qian Long knew her wonder was very genuine and could not possibly be helped, considering the story that she heard, but it gave him pain nontheless. She, who he loved as his own daughter, sometimes even more than some of his own daughters, would wonder this. The worst pain, of course, was that it was a legitimate concern. His actions, no matter how distant in the past, had given her reason to ask herself this. He thought about her distance from him this past year, and realised the real reason for it. It wasn't really the truth that drove her away. She was trying to protect herself, so that if he ever found out and did want her dead, that such a truth might hurt less if she was not as close to him as before.

"Xiao Yan Zi, I know I have not been the father I ought to be for you lately, seeing as I did not think to ask about your change in behaviour towards me. But I don't think I could ever truly want you dead." The statement sounded absurdly hypocritical to his ears as he remembered how many times he had ordered her death in anger. "Well, not if I was rational and in my right mind anyway. You have brought Zi Wei to me, you have brought me too much happiness for me to ever want to part from you."

The words sounded hopelessly inadequate to express the sorrow he felt for everything she had to endure in the past year, hiding his secret from him. She was crying now, tears falling silently down her cheeks. It was not the loud tears she usually shed; these tears spoke of a pain from deep inside her heart, pain that had been locked away all this time and now finally the dam was given the chance to break.

As he watched her cry, he remembered her words just moments earlier and said with a small smile, "Besides, if I ever really wanted you dead, I would never be able to do it anyway. Yong Qi would always be there, first."

It seemed almost funny, to repeat her words back to her, even if in this context, it hardly made sense. It did make her smile through her tears and proceeded to dry her tears. Qian Long waited until she had stopped crying totally before saying more seriously, "I know nothing I say now will make up for everything that had happened in the last year, Xiao Yan Zi. I just hope we can somehow go back to how things were before, that you would see me as the loving father as before. I have done much wrong by you, I would not be surprised if you lost your own trust in me. But I confess I missed my Xiao Yan Zi this last year."

She gave a rather wistful sigh. "I do not know whether I can be the old Xiao Yan Zi again. Things have changed too much. But I want to love you like I did once. Again. I can only hope that you would let me. Can we just start again, Huang Ah Ma?"

She was looking at him with eyes full sorrow, but also there was something like desperate hope in that gaze. He realised that as much as he had missed his beloved daughter, she too, had lost that loving image of him and was struggling to find it all through the past year.

Heaven had brought her to him as a source of joy, but yet he had brought so much pain upon her that it seemed so unfair. Xiao Yan Zi, who would always give everything to others, without any selfish thought for herself and it seemed that she always suffered the most. He was supposed to be able to protect her. Yet he failed in that. He came to take her for granted and it was only until she drifted away from him that he started to miss her. Now he realised just how close he came to losing her. He could not allow it to happen again.

"Come." He opened his arms and she let herself be pulled into his embrace. She felt almost childlike in his arms like this. "From now on, Xiao Yan Zi, you will tell me what bothers you. For Yong Qi will not be here to comfort you anymore. But I promise I will be your Huang Ah Ma again and never take you for granted again."

"Huang Ah Ma!" He held his daughter tighter and let her cry in his arms as he savoured the sound the three words so sincerely loving coming from her lips again. He only just realised now how much he missed that loving tone in her voice as she said it. He must never let her lose it again, he vowed to himself, and to Yong Qi's memory.

* * *

_A/N: Yes, I really did just kill Yong Qi. Yes, he's really dead. I actually wrote this a really long while ago and just decided to dig it out now. The reason for writing this has a lot to do with the reasons behind 31: Black. I an convinced that the only real reason Qiong Yao had for having Mian Yi exist in both TSRJ and the remake was to make things historically-correct and it has something to do with China's censorship of things that are don't conform to historical facts (to which I sigh and wonder what exactly about HZGG conforms in the first place). Anyway, the idea is that Yong Qi has to die and leave behind a child. As much as it would have broken my heart, I would have infinitely preferred something like this other than what really happened in the drama. (Yeah I'm saying my headcannon is better than the "real thing" and maybe that's narcissistic but to me it makes a lot more sense.)_


	35. Precious

**XXXIV. Precious**

* * *

_How Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi came to have twins in the imperial household records._

* * *

The sound of a baby's cry woke Xiao Yan Zi and for a moment, she felt disorientated. She must have fallen asleep soon after dinner, because it was decidedly dark outside, but there seemed to still be people moving about outside the bedroom, so probably it wasn't too deep into the night just yet. The space on the bed beside her was empty and showed no sign that Yong Qi had turned in to bed yet.

Xiao Yan Zi climbed out of bed and made her way to the nursery next door and found that the wet nurse had take up Mian Yi.

"Is he all right?" she asked, walking over to check on her son.

"Yes, he just needed a change."

Xiao Yan Zi smiled and wanted to take him into her arms, but seeing as he had fallen fast asleep again, she didn't want to wake him. Instead, she placed a gentle kiss on his head.

She marveled still at how precious Mian Yi was, how much she loved him with such an intensity that she didn't realise could exist before. Every time she looked at Mian Yi, every time she held him, she was reminded again of how much she loved him, how much she loved Yong Qi and he loved her in return.

"What time is it?"she asked in a whisper as Ming Yue slipped quietly into the room and drapped a cloak on her shoulders.

"Near midnight," Ming Yue answered.

"Wu Ah Ge still working?"

Ming Yue nodded.

She kissed the baby again, then made her way towards the study, where, just as Ming Yue had confirmed, the light still burned bright.

Xiao Shun Zi bowed to her in greeting as she came in, and she waved him out the door. Yong Qi seemed engrossed in what he was writing, however, and didn't look up until she was in front of him.

"It's late," she said softly, "you should go to bed."

He put down his brush and took her hand, leading her around to stand next to him. She perched herself on the arm rest of his chair. "I thought you were sleeping already."

"Mian Yi woke me up. And then you weren't there."

He kissed her hand. "Go back to sleep. I just need to finish this."

"Surely it can wait?" she asked, rubbing the back of his neck, kneading out the tension from sitting too long in one position.

Yong Qi sighed and leaned back into her ministrations, but said finally, "Unfortunately it can't. The typhoon this year has affected the farmers on the outskirts of the city badly, and by all reports there are many refugees outside the city gates – people who have lost their crops and now have nothing to live on. Huang Ah Ma has put a man, An Hua, on providing the subsidy from the national treasury, but it seems to be taking too long without any report of improvement. To be honest, I want to go out to have a look, but I need Huang Ah Ma to give me some autonomy to decide what to do without reporting back and forth to him, so I need to finish report to discuss this with Huang Ah Ma tomorrow morning."

"So you might be going out tomorrow? Can I come?"

Yong Qi laughed. "Is that really all you got from that?"

"Of course not!" she said earnestly. "I heard everything else, too, that's why I want to come with you. Maybe I could help."

"How?"

"Well, I don't exactly use much of the monthly allowance that I get, maybe some of that could be given to those poor people."

He looked at her fondly and smiled. "I don't think it would have to come to that, my love."

"It's not as if I don't give half of it to Liu Qing anyway for everyone at Da Zha Yuan," she insisted.

"I know." He pulled her down onto his lap and kissed her softly. "You are wonderful and I love you for saying that, but really, Xiao Yan Zi, this is a bigger problem than your allowance could solve. It's a matter of national spending. So you shouldn't worry about it."

"Well, I want to come anyway," she said stubbornly.

"Should you even be going out?"

"Yong Qi! It's been over a month since Mian Yi was born! I've been trapped inside for that long! I'm fine, nothing's wrong with me, and I want to just get out and breath some air."

"There's plenty of air in the garden."

She rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean."

"Fine, you can come. But go to bed, I'll join you in a bit, all right?"

She smiled and kissed him softly, before leaving the room.

* * *

Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi took a carriage towards the outskirts of the city the next afternoon. The first thing that they encountered at the city gates was the fact that it was heavily guarded, shut, and with a large sign with the words: _Restricted access. No one to enter or leave city without clearance._

The carriage stopped just short of the city gates and Yong Qi peered out at the sign.

"What is An Hua trying to do? Why shut the city gates and restrict entry when there are refugees outside wishing to come in and find help?" he said with a frown. Then, taping at the carriage door, he addressed Xiao Shun Zi who was driving the carriage. "Go through."

The carriage approached the gates, which still remained closed, and when Xiao Shun Zi requested the gates be opened, he was greeted with a rude reply from the guards.

"No one is to exit without approval from An Hua Da ren."

"Why are the gates closed?" Xiao Shun Zi asked. "There are surely refugees of the typhoon outside the gates and you should not be keeping them out, not allowing them in to receive assistance. What more, you have no right to keep citizens from going out."

Yong Qi knew that Xiao Shun Zi would try to keep his name out of this conversation for as long as he could, but considering the situation at hand and what he was already beginning to suspect, it probably couldn't be long.

"They are closed at the order of An Hua Da ren, and seeing as he is in charge of this area of the city, I do not see what right you have to question it."

"They're definitely trying to hide something, aren't they?" Xiao Yan Zi said.

Yong Qi nodded, while listening to Xiao Shu Zi continue to argue with the guards at the gate. Finally, his servant said irratably, "In the carriage is Rong Qing Wang who wishes to go out. Does that outrank An Da ren's orders?"

Yong Qi rather thought Xiao Shun Zi was enjoying rattling off his title and intimidating the guards, but at first they seemed to think he was bluffing. It wasn't until he deigned to open the door of the carriage so that they could see Yong Qi glaring at them that they believed him. It was well that the door of the carriage has only been opened enough for them to see Yong Qi, dressed in court attire, leaving the guards no doubt of who he was, but not Xiao Yan Zi, in commoner clothes instead, which would allow her to move move around more freely once they actually got to where they were supposed to be inspecting the situation.

In any case, the guards, having now realised that what Xiao Shun Zi claimed was true, generally made a fuss of greeting him, but also seemed more reluctant than ever to let him through the gates. If that wasn't suspicious, Yong Qi didn't know what was.

They did get through the gates and outside of the city, in the end, and it wasn't long before they reached the place where the refugees were all forced to remain.

To say that Yong Qi was appalled at what he was seeing was an understatement. There were what must be nearly a hundred people, men, women, children, old and young, all, dressed mostly in rags, lying around on a plain stretch of grass, in various stages of illness and starvation. There were bodies, too, of those who have clearly died from those illnesses and starvation. It should not be like this at all! He had known the amount of money that Huang Ah Ma had trusted to An Hua to ensure these people's support, and while it would not have them in silk and golden bowls, would definitely not have them starve.

The sight before him explained so painfully the sign at the city gates. The point wasn't to keep anyone from going out, but to keep these poor souls from coming in the city, generally alerting the Emperor and his more trustworthy subjects of where his money was _not _going.

It was all so agonising to see. He was almost too angry to do anything for a moment, and his hands had curled into fists by his sides. It took Xiao Yan Zi's exclamation of "Liu Qing! What are you doing here?" for him to register what else was going on.

Towards the distance, a table has been set up and a pot of porridge was steaming. Refugees who still clung to enough stregth to be up right stood in a long line waiting for a portion of porridge. At the table serving was actually Liu Qing. Yong Qi could see now, too, that some of the children from Da Zha Yuan were running around bringing porridge to those who were too weak to line up.

The fact that it fell on Liu Qing, however he managed it, to provide support for these people, while the official who received money from the national treasury to do precisely just this was no where to be found, was even more of an insult.

He and Xiao Yan Zi made their way to where Liu Qing was. Yong Qi was about to turn to tell Xiao Shun Zi and Xiao Gui Zi to help, but they have already started without the instruction from him.

Liu Qing didn't wait for them to ask, but just started explaining as soon as they were within earshot.

"I just happened to come out here about ten days ago before they put up that no entry exit sign and saw that quite a few of these refugees have gathered outside the city gates, seeking help, but I've spoken to Er Kang earlier and he had told me that Huang Shang had put an official on the job, so I thought they would be take care of. But then a few days ago, they put up that no entry exit sign, and it was clear that whoever had been assigned to this had no intention of helping these poor people at all. It took a while for me to sneak out here to survey the situation and I couldn't let them just starve out here anymore. So I convinced those idiots at the gates to let me bring food out to feed them, since they wouldn't let them into the city, and got the kids from Da Zha Yuan to help me."

"Why didn't you let Er Kang or me know immediately?" Yong Qi exclaimed, while Xiao Yan Zi looked furious at the idea that these people have been abandonned to die and more would have died had Liu Qing not done anything.

"We only started this yesterday and I was going to go and find Er Kang today or tomorrow if this keeps up. I have money to help them now, but I can't indefinitely."

"And you shouldn't have to!"

Liu Qing seemed only now to notice Yong Qi's clothes. "I suppose you are out here for exactly this problem?"

"Yes, I have been suspicious that An Hua hasn't been doing all he can, but I never think it would be like this…Thousands of taels of silver, and where's he putting it all?"

"Not in these people's stomachs, that's for sure."

He got a few more clarification of the situation from Liu Qing. Then, noticing the porridge pot was running low, he handed all the money on his person to his friend. It would help them get through that day, while he sorted out the situation with An Hua and reported to Huang Ah Ma and worked around the system to get the money intended to feed these people to the right place. Xiao Yan Zi was already running around helping people.

Yong Qi stalked back to the carriage and unhitched one the horses and rode towards the city gates again. Grabbing the guard who was supposed to be in charge, he demanded that An Hua should make his presence known here, _right now. _Also, Er Kang must be sent for.

* * *

Xiao Yan Zi felt nauseous. The sight in front of her wasn't just an injustice, it was a nightmare that she was too well aware of. She knew, for Yong Qi, it was emphathy and a sense of justice that caused his anger at the way these people were being made to suffer. For her, it was like all the bad memories of her life pulled back up and magnified a thousand times, being forced on all these people.

She understood why Liu Qing had jumped into feeding these people out of his own pocket first and not think of informing Er Kang or Yong Qi immediately. She knew that Liu Qing, too, understood the gnawing agony of starvation, the desperateness of seeing people around you, people you loved, starve or suffer beside you, know that you had no way of relieving them, because you had no means of provision_. _Looking at these people, Xiao Yan Zi knew that Liu Qing saw that she saw, all their own experiences and suffering of a life before Zi Wei, before princes and princesses, a life of unending poverty that craved relief that could not wait for a report to the Emperor and for bureaucratic decisions to be made.

Every child that lay on the ground, too weak from hunger to even cry, was a mirror image of herself. As she helped them drink the thin porridge, which was all that their starved stomachs could take in its fragile state, she wept and swore to herself that if Huang Ah Ma didn't make sure An Hua got what he deserved, she would go and stab him herself.

As she walked around, Xiao Yan Zi came across a young mother cradling a tiny child, who could not be more than a month old, in her arms. The mother was biting her own finger until it bled, then putting the finger into the baby's mouth for it to suckle.

"What are you doing?" Xiao Yan Zi gasped as she knelt down by the young woman.

The woman looked mournfully up at Xiao Yan Zi and said in a breathless voice, "I have to do this, miss. My child, my baby, she is too young and has been too hungry for too long to take the porridge, and I am too weak to make milk for her, so I have to feed her like this, or she will die."

It took all of Xiao Yan Zi's strength and a painful bite down on her bottom lip to stop herself from breaking down into a crying wreck at what she just heard. The baby before her couldn't be any older than Mian Yi, yet her son had been born into the lap of luxury and would never want anything materially for the rest of his life. Of course, she would never wish any suffering on him, least of all suffering like this, but the sharp contrast between the two children and the unfairness of it all made her heart cry out in pain.

Even Xiao Yan Zi had never been pushed to this desperation; she had always managed to keep some of her strength, to be able to scrounge or scavenger for food, and eventually she would be on her feet again. Inexplicably, she thought of the nunnery that had fed and sheltered her in her first years of life; she had never felt such gratitute to it and to the nuns there as now. By the time she ran away from it, she had been able, somewhat, to take care of herself. She looked at the baby and wondered what would have become of her if she were ever that helpless.

"Let me take her," Xiao Yan Zi said finally, her voice trembling. "I've just recently had a baby, and I'll be able to feed her."

The young woman could not even find the strength in her to look relieved, she simply wept silently as Xiao Yan Zi eased the child from her arms, her mouth barely moving to for the words "Thank you". Xiao Yan Zi shook her head at her thanks, and simply called Xiao Gui Zi as he was walking by to bring her a bowl of porridge.

Xiao Yan Zi took the baby into the carriage and shut herself inside. The child barely weighed anything, so much that Xiao Yan Zi had to push back panic. She was still breathing, after all, and that was a wonder enough. However, the baby was wrapped in such thin cloths that she was in as much danger of dying from illness and cold as of hunger.

Xiao Yan Zi took off the outter sleeveless blouse that she wore and wrapped it securely around the baby, before unbuttoning her remaining clothes and putting the child to her breast.

From the way she fed, Xiao Yan Zi became even more aware of just how weak the child was. She had nursed Mian Yi the first few days when he was born, before a wetnurse was able to be found for him, and she had felt the pull as he fed. This baby was so weak that she barely felt anything at all. She was almost afraid that the child would not be able to swallow fast enough, and would choke as a result.

Here, in the relative privacy of the closed carriage, Xiao Yan Zi allowed herself to cry. She thought again of Mian Yi, of her own baby ever suffering thus, and of what pain the young mother must be going through to see her child trickle away from her like this. Her tears seemed inadequate for the magnitude of the pain involved.

Of all the people that were in this place, suffering from the neglect of An Hua, Xiao Yan Zi knew whatever Yong Qi was planning to do, she could not leave the baby girl and her mother to it. She would take them inside the city today, to Da Zha Yuan, to Hui Bin Lou, to Zi Wei and Er Kang's, even back to Rong Wang Fu, because she would have to see that this child live, no matter what. She could not bear anything else, not when she was giving the baby life, even now.

When it seemed that the baby had fed all she could, Xiao Yan Zi dressed again and got down from the carriage, only to find that the young woman had been refusing the porridge and insisting Xiao Gui Zi take it to someone who needed it more than her.

"You should eat it," Xiao Yan Zi said to her. "I know you are so weak with hunger now that you feel you can't eat at all, but for your child's sake, you must try."

"I cannot," she answered weakly. "I wish to ask you something, and I must say it now…please…"

She sounded so desperate that Xiao Yan Zi gave a sigh and nodded to Xiao Gui Zi. He backed away and left them alone.

"What's your name?" Xiao Yan Zi asked .

"My name is Yu Xue and the child is called Xiao Zhen, _zhen _as in true. She was born on the fifth day of last month."

Xiao Yan Zi choked back a gasp, for it was the same day that Mian Yi was born as well. But she didn't say anything, and Yu Xue talked on.

"My husband was killed in the storm and the rain took away everything we had. I thank Heaven that Xiao Zhen is still alive. But I know I will not live much longer…I know I will not see tomorrow…"

"No," Xiao Yan Zi said firmly, "you can't talk like that, you must try, for Xiao Zhen…"

"Please…let me…I know my strength. I know I am dying. But I can't die without knowing that Xiao Zhen will live, that she'll be all right…"

"She will," Xiao Yan Zi said, through tears now, "she will, but you must live too, for her."

Yu Xue just shook her head sadly. "I cannot. I wish to, but I cannot. I just have to ask, _to beg you,_ please, to save her. Please…I will spend my next life repaying your kindness. I know…I know you must be from a well-to-do family, your clothes show it. I can't ask you to raise her equal to your children, but you can raise her as a servant, she can work for you to repay her debt, but please just make sure she lives…It doesn't even matter whether she knows who I am, who her father was, our names are too lowly to be of any significance anyway…Please, tell me you will help me, I beg you."

Xiao Yan Zi closed her eyes and let the tears run silently down her cheeks. How could she say yes to this, when she knew that it would be all that is required for Yu Xue to let her life go and stop fighting to live? But then, how could she not?

"I promise you," she said finally, "that Xiao Zhen will always be taken care of, but you must also promise me that you will let me save you as well, that you will live."

Yu Xue just shook her head sadly. "I am dying," she said again. "I have known it for so long…I wish I could stay, for her sake. But I am dying. Please, can I hold her?"

"Of course." Xiao Yan Zi gently placed the baby into her arms and she drew her close, kissing the crown of her head.

"I am sorry, my little one," she whispered to the baby, "but I…"

Whatever was supposed to follow, she didn't seem to have the strength to say. Yu Xue turned her eyes to Xiao Yan Zi and she saw the gratitude that shined there. Xiao Yan Zi reached out to take her already cold, clammy hand. "You don't have to thank me, no child should have to suffer like this. I promise you, she will be all right. She will."

Yu Xue nodded, smiling contentedly and closed her eyes. She was still breathing, but Xiao Yan Zi knew her breaths were slowing. Xiao Yan Zi wanted to tell her to hold on, to fight, but she knew it was too late for that. She just sat on the ground, as life slipped away, and Xiao Zhen slept on.

* * *

Xiao Yan Zi eased the baby out from Yu Xue's arms and retreated into the carriage. There she could mourn for the child who was too young to understand what she had just lost, but also for herself. Xiao Zhen might as well be an incarnation of herself. There was no way Xiao Yan Zi would allow this child to grow up as a servant. No child deserved to be sold off and have a miserable life panned out before her like that. Not even like this, not when Xiao Yan Zi could prevent this.

She knew what she wanted to do, but it wasn't solely her decision to make. She knew Yong Qi would not likely refuse her either, but it wasn't solely his decision to make either. It was different if they weren't who they were, but as it was, it was so complicated. She knew there would be those who would take exception to what she wanted. But then, would what she wanted even be what was best for Xiao Zhen? She couldn't be so selfish, and if looking at it in the long term, wouldn't the child be better with Liu Qing and Jin Suo, or even at Da Zha Yuan? She would still be cared for there, _Xiao Yan Zi _would make sure of it.

At that moment, there was a knock on the carriage door.

"Xiao Yan Zi?" Yong Qi called.

"Come in," she said.

The carriage door opened to let in Yong Qi and Liu Qing. Yong Qi came to sat by her and looked down at the child, stroking her cheek. Xiao Yan Zi knew Liu Qing probably would have told him what happened.

"Is she all right? Aside from hunger, that is?"

"I think so, but it might be good to get a physician to look at her later. I don't even know if it's a good thing that she's sleeping so soundly. How are things out there?"

"I got Er Kang to come," Yong Qi answered, "and briefed him. He's taken An Hua to prison now, purely to stop him fleeing than anything, and then he'll let Huang Ah Ma knows the general idea. I'll have to come in and see Huang Ah Ma for a more detailed report later. But anyway, the guards at the city gates are here to take over for Liu Qing, which was supposed to be their job in the first place, anyway. Er Kang left one of his men in charge here so it should be all right. But both Er Kang and I will keep an eye on this so this atrocity shouldn't be happening any longer."

Xiao Yan Zi nodded. It was a comfort to know that these people were in better hands now, even though it was too late for Yu Xue. She turned to the child in her arms, still sleeping peacefully.

"Her name is Xiao Zhen," she told them. "She won't be the only orphan of this natural disaster, though."

"Don't worry, Xiao Yan Zi," Liu Qing said, "if need be, there will be plenty of room for the children and people who are incapable of surviving on their own at Da Zha Yuan."

"Er Kang and I will make sure, too, that in the end they either all have a place to go to, or have some means of rebuilding their lives."

She looked up at two of the dearest men in her life, one brother, one husband, and knew that it was in the face of challenges like this that brought out the best in them.

Then, indicating Xiao Zhen in her arms, she sadi to Liu Qing, "Will you and Jin Suo take her? Please?"

Yong Qi and Liu Qing exchanged rather surprised looks. She knew they didn't expect her to make this request.

"You want us to take her?"

Xiao Yan Zi nodded. "I think it would be better, more…_normal._"

"Yes, I suppose there is a point in that," Liu Qing agreed.

Yong Qi, though, was looking at her with concern. She just said softly, "I'll be fine," and hoped that he would believe her.

They arrived at Hiu Bin Lou and went upstairs to Liu Qing and Jin Suo's private rooms, and explained the situation to Jin Suo. Xiao Yan Zi knew, Jin Suo would feel Xiao Zhen's pain as she did, what with shared similar origins and all that.

"Poor thing," Jin Suo said softly after listening to the story. "I would gladly take her, Xiao Yan Zi, but are you sure – ?"

"Yes," Xiao Yan Zi said, hoping that they wouldn't tempt her any longer. It was hard enough as it was.

However, it seemed that Xiao Zhen had other plans, as the moment Jin Suo touched her to take her from Xiao Yan Zi, the child who had slept peacefully all this time startled awake, and burst out crying. Xiao Yan Zi would have though that Jin Suo, having infinitely more experience as a mother than she did, would be able to calm the fussing baby, but the longer Jin Suo held her, the louder she cried.

"I think she's trying to make her opinion known," Liu Qing said with a hint of a smile.

And sure enough, as Xiao Yan Zi took her back, her cries reduced down to mere sniffles; she turned her head in Xiao Yan Zi's arms to nestle more closely against her body and eventually stopped crying totally.

"I think you should take her, Xiao Yan Zi, at least for now," Jin Suo said. "I think that she has latched on to you as the one who saved her when she needed it most, and wouldn't go to anyone now. It would be bad, even traumatic, to force her to be where she doesn't want to be."

"Jin Suo is right, Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi said. "Let's just take her home now, and we can have Hu Tai yi to come look at her as well. And any other concerns that you might have about bringing her home with us can be solved. Later."

* * *

Yong Qi took Xiao Yan Zi and Xiao Zhen back home to Rong Wang Fu, then left again for the palace. He might have waited for the next morning to make his full report to Huang Ah Ma, but the situation should be taken care of as soon as possible. It wasn't that late yet that he couldn't still come in to speak to Huang Ah Ma.

"Yong Qi," his father said as he came into the room, "I was about to send for you. Well? How bad is the situation, really? Though from what Er Kang said, I cannot imagine it much worst."

"Huang Ah Ma, I can tell you this, I don't think a single coin of what you gave An Hua has been spent where it ought to have been spent." Then, he went into an extensive tirrade of what he had seen outside the city gates. His father, thankfully, allowed him to vent and didn't interrupt.

"I will deal with An Hua," the Emperor said. "I have already recalled the funds assigned to him for aiding the refugees and now I'm putting you in charge of it. Take it and hopefully we can correct some of the damage this scoundral has done."

They talked extensively for a long while of what exactly needed to be done for the refugees. It was not until all the business was done, that Yong Qi brought up another subject.

"There's something else, Huang Ah Ma, that I would like to ask…"

* * *

When Yong Qi arrived home, it wasn't late, but Xiao Yan Zi was already sleeping. He could not blame her, really. Whatever she said, she still hadn't recovered all her strength from after the birth yet, and it had been an emotionally exhausting day for her.

"And Xiao Zhen?" he asked Cai Xia.

"She is in the nursery. She wouldn't stop crying for anyone but Fu Jin, and even as Fu Jin put her to sleep, and stayed with her, it was a while before she would sleep."

"Did Hu Tai yi come?"

"Yes, Tai yi said that aside from being malnourished, there isn't any sign of other illnesses, but he will come and check up again in a few days."

Yong Qi nodded. "If she wakes in the night – " As if there was a question of if – "then come and get us."

"Fu Jin already instructed us that as well, Wang Ye."

* * *

Several days later, Yong Qi went from the study into the bedroom and found that Xiao Yan Zi was not there, though it was growing quite late. Having some inkling of where she might be, he turned to the nursery. Sure enough, when he pushed open the door, she was standing over the cradles which lay side by side, gazing down at the one that held Xiao Zhen.

Xiao Zhen still clung to Xiao Yan Zi like she did that first day. She slept quietly enough, but whenever she woke, she would only stop crying and be calm for Xiao Yan Zi. Yong Qi had only managed to hold her a few times and it was only with Xiao Yan Zi right there, where the baby could see and smell her. So it turned out that caring for Xiao Zhen was even more exhausting for Xiao Yan Zi than Mian Yi, for at least Mian Yi was used to other people, like his nurse, holding him. Not, of course, that Xiao Yan Zi was caring for Xiao Zhen at the neglect of Mian Yi. The presence of Xiao Zhen only seemed to make Xiao Yan Zi cheris Mian Yi even more and become more protective of him, as no doubt she saw just how vulnerable both the children could be.

Xiao Yan Zi didn't seem to hear him come in, as intently as she was looking at the child. He quietly approached her and saw as he drew closer that she had tears lingering on her cheeks. He slipped his arms gently around her waist, and she startled a little, turning to meet his eyes. He smiled softly at her and just kissed the side of her head, tightening his grip on her.

She turned back to looking at the child and for a long moment, neither of them spoke. He knew, nonetheless, what she must be thinking, what she must be feeling, looking at the little girl. It was impossible to not understand that Xiao Yan Zi saw herself painfully in Xiao Zhen. The whole situation reminded him of Xiao Ge Zi, who they rescued on their trip outside the palace after the Han Xiang situation.

Precisely because the similarities with Xiao Ge Zi were so striking, he wondered why Xiao Yan Zi hadn't said anything now when she had been all vocal before. He knew what her heart must want; it showed in the way she looked at Xiao Zhen so desperately, in the tears she shed for the child. Yong Qi knew, as much as Xiao Yan Zi loved Mian Yi with all the intensity of a mother's love, she loved Xiao Zhen just as fiercely. And then there was him. In the time that it took for Xiao Zhen to make for herself a permanent place in Xiao Yan Zi's heart, he could not help himself from loving the child as well.

So why did she not ask? Did she think that he really would not grant her this? How could he not when he knew what joy and comfort Xiao Zhen would bring her, and how her heart would break to part from her?

But then, perhaps she shouldn't have to ask. He knew, after all, didn't he? He understood, and he didn't need her to have to ask.

"We should keep her," he whispered softly.

"What?" she asked, turning around to face him, her eyes wide and startled.

"We should keep her. Raise her as our own. She is Mian Yi's age, not that many people know about Mian Yi yet. We could say that they are twins. Make up a story she hasn't been well – not a lie – and that's why we haven't announced her birth yet."

She didn't say anything, but just looked at him with eyes shining with unshed tears, amazed, like he had handed her the world and she didn't know what to do with it.

"Really?" she whispered, placing a hand against his cheek.

"Will you be able to let her go now?" he asked simply.

She shook her head quietly.

"I already talked to Huang Ah Ma. He couldn't very well refuse when he is as attached to you as you are to her. She will be ours, and no one will be the wiser."

"There are people who know."

"It's not in anyone's interest to reveal her. Besides, she's yours anyway, Xiao Yan Zi. She's been yours from the moment you took her and fed her, from the moment she cries if anyone else but you take her, from the way she only stops crying for you, from the way you look at her now. And for all that she is yours, then she is mine as well. I won't let anyone take her away from you."

Xiao Yan Zi smiled, through tears now, and Yong Qi reached up to brush the tears away.

"Thank you, I – "

But he had placed a finger against her lips, silencing her. "You don't have to say anything. I know, I understand."

She nodded and leaned in, kissing him fiercely.

* * *

_A/N: I have a post about this on my Tumblr, huanzhuyulu dot tumblr dot com slash post slash 32120126081 (or link in my profile page).  
_


	36. Broken

**XXXV. Broken**

* * *

_He came home to a world that was in pieces. Er Tai tries to take his mind off his brother's death by fixing his best friend's marriage, with questionable results. _

* * *

Er Tai came home to a broken world. The world he left just a few short years ago was bubbling with happiness, fulfillment and anticipation. Now, it seemed as though someone had ripped it apart, and Er Tai felt like just by returning, he was somehow expected to patch it all together again.

He didn't arrive back in Beijing on an appropriately dark and stormy night. He arrived home with the sun shining brightly on a background of clear blue sky dusted with soft white clouds. It was a day worth smiling for, worth celebrating, but smiling and celebrating were the last things on his to do list.

He could, instead, list the things that were wrong with the home he came back to, but that was much too depressing. It all came down to two basic facts: his brother was dead and his best friend was miserable.

It was a day much like this, too, when he received the letter from his parents breaking the news of his brother's death, and asking him to come home. For Er Tai, the entire journey back to Beijing was shrouded in grief, in regret that he never got to see Er Kang one last time, that in fact, the last time they saw each other was so long ago. It wasn't until he crossed the threshold of his childhood home again that the weight of responsibility his brother left behind dropped on his shoulders.

It was never supposed to be like this. He was the second son. He was never supposed to be the one people looked to when they spoke of his family. He was never supposed to be the one to bear the enormous task of upholding the family name and honour, or inherit anything for the pains of those tasks. That was always Er Kang's job. His job had only been _not _to do anything that would embarrass his name. It was always like that – Er Kang to do, and he to not.

But that was when he was the second son. He was the only son now.

Coming back home, he faced not only his parents' grief, but also his sister-in-law's. It was with _such_ regret that he remembered he wasn't even there for his brother's wedding and that his children had never met their uncle. They had planned to return for the wedding, but Sai Ya was expecting a child then – his eldest son – and then they kept making plans to come back, but there was another child…and then things just seemed to flow together after that. They never managed to make it back to Beijing until now. But still, back then, there was some strange satisfaction in the knowledge that his family was well and happy enough that visits could be delayed until it was convenient. He was at least content with the fact that they never needed him to rush back for anything…until now.

It was strange to have Zi Wei living here again, though he supposed after all these years, it was he who should feel like he did not belong. Certainly he shouldn't be in this position of the only one providing comfort to his parents. He didn't even know how he could begin to approach Zi Wei in her grief. Then he looked at his nephew and saw all the could-have-beens for his brother that now never could be. The child was too young, and when he grew, he would hardly remember his father at all.

They had all been so happy when he left, and now, Er Tai had no idea how to fix it all again without Er Kang.

He shouldn't have time to worry about anything else. He shouldn't even have the heart to worry about anything else. But somehow, the state of his best friend's marriage managed to plague him more than his family's pains. Despite the grief they were in, he somehow instinctively knew his family would be all right with time. It was the colossal mess between Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi that he wasn't sure could be fixed.

It didn't help that everything he knew, he knew from very brief accounts in letters. Even before he came home, he felt like everyone was in a conspiracy to keep him as little informed as possible. Even if Yong Qi didn't want to tell him things that apparenly his friend thought might worry him unnecessarily, he would have expected his brother to be more thorough in his accounts. Now, he supposed everyone was being secretive not because they didn't want to tell him, but because some of the information would have caused a lot of trouble if their letters were ever read by anyone other than themselves. He shouldn't even be surprised that, even now, they were still hiding secrets that could result in death.

Now, home again, he had to hear about all the things they left out of letters from sources that were decidedly not-Yong-Qi. Even then, he would have liked to get his brother's views. Er Kang would share with him opinions that he felt he needed to keep from Yong Qi, and they could bounce ideas off each other. Instead, Er Tai had to make do with getting information from Qing Ge Ge. _Qing Ge Ge? Really? _He didn't even _know_ her that well, and somehow, the state of Yong Qi's marriage was not a topic of conversation he ever anticipated having with her.

It wasn't even that he didn't try to talk to Yong Qi first. _Try _was the key word. The conversation went something like this:

"So, what has really been going on? You're miserable."

There was too deliberate a pause from Yong Qi that made it clear what he was about to say wasn't entirely true.

"Your brother just died, of course I'm miserable. Over the last few years, we grew to be very close." If it was any other conversation, Er Tai would have teased Yong Qi about replacing him as a best friend, but this was hardly the time. But Yong Qi must have been thinking along the same line, too, because he added, "Not that he replaced you or anything."

"I know. But that wasn't what I meant. This isn't just about my brother. In fact, I could guess what's on your mind, but it would be better if you actually told me yourself."

Er Tai had learnt, over the years, to read his friend's body language and could predict fairly accurately the turns of their conversation. By the way he briefly closed his eyes, Er Tai knew he was about to refuse to Go There at all.

"Don't worry about it. This isn't an appropriate time."

Sigh. Breathe. Try not to be blunt. Think. Deliberate over your words. Then speak.

It was times like this that Er Tai realised sometimes mutual affection with someone who held power over you didn't enable you to be more free in speech around them at all. Sometimes – times this these –it brought you full circle and made you communicate the same way you might with someone you cared nothing about.

"Yong Qi."

Er Tai addressed him by his name so seldomly that this successfully made his friend turn finally to face him. It wasn't that there was any barrier between them before, it was just that despite their friendship, they had both been brought up still with a sense of decorum and propriety. Though, spend time around Xiao Yan Zi enough and decorum and propriety fall apart, as apparently, over the years, Er Kang had got into the habbit of addressing and refering to Yong Qi by his name. His letters, more often than not, spoke of "Yong Qi this" and "Yong Qi that". To Er Tai, sometimes it still seemed quite bizarre.

"I would hope that the concept of 'appropriate time' doesn't exist between us," Er Tai said. Yong Qi started to speak, but Er Tai cut him off. "Don't. Don't tell me that because my brother's just died and we're both in mourning that we can't talk about you. Because quite frankly, the fact that my brother just died is enough reason for both of us to be miserable, we don't have to add to it. And you can't tell me not to worry about you. What else am I supposed to be worry about? I can hardly worry about my brother now, can I?"

The words were simple, but Er Tai was sure they both understood all the emotions that they carried. For all the time they've been apart, they both implicitly knew that their friendship over the years still held. For a moment, the determination in Yong Qi's eyes wavered, and Er Tai was sure he would tell him everything. But then, just as swiftly, disappointingly, the shield was up again.

"I know you're worried about me, and I know telling you not to worry will not do any good. But this isn't something that could be fixed, Er Tai, and even if it could be, it won't be when everyone is in such raw pain over a loss. I can't even think about it with a clear head now, and going into this under the shadows of other things isn't a good idea."

Er Tai didn't waste time being hurt at the barrier that Yong Qi had put up between them, keeping the conversation at bay. He knew it wasn't because Yong Qi didn't trust him, or because he felt that he couldn't talk to Er Tai anymore. He knew, if Yong Qi allowed himself to say just one word, everything else would follow, and they would be having a far more personal talk than they have ever had in their lives. It was reveal all or nothing. But likely he had been keeping so much under wraps – for fear of hurting Xiao Yan Zi, for fear of revealing things to Huang Shang – that he couldn't allow himself to confide even in Er Tai just yet.

If he could be blunt, Er Tai would have to say that the existence of a Zhi Hua in Yong Qi's life was not, in any way, a shock, but should just be a matter of time. Before Xiao Yan Zi came into the picture, Yong Qi wouldn't even be in such angst about it – at least, not to this extent. But there was no denying that Xiao Yan Zi did sweep into their once-orderly lives and changed everything. Er Tai could even admit that those changes she brought were mostly good, and that he would not wish that they never met her for anything. At times like this, however, he found he had very little patience for her. Perhaps it was just as well that he never pursued her seriously, because he was not made out to cope with this side of Xiao Yan Zi.

It wasn't that he blamed Xiao Yan Zi for anything, really. It wasn't a matter of blame. If blame could be assigned, the situation wouldn't be so complicated and would have been solved long ago. He understood, to some extent, the reasons for her hurt, but he still couldn't help but think, between them, Yong Qi was in the more difficult situation, having to keep everything in balance when it was clearly impossible.

It could be said that a couple of days later, when Xiao Yan Zi more or less stormed out of the palace and hid herself in Zi Wei's rooms, Er Tai wasn't in the mood to see things from her point of view.

Of course, Xiao Yan Zi didn't exactly come crying to him, but that didn't mean he wasn't aware of her presence in his house. He had thought, after one night, after she had cooled her head a bit, Xiao Yan Zi would return to the palace. But when it appeared that this was not the case, he couldn't stop himself from seeking her out.

"You don't deserve him, you know."

In fairness, this probably wasn't a good way to begin a conversation, let alone a conversation as emotional as this was bound to be, and with Xiao Yan Zi.

"What?" she said, her eyes narrowed, and jumping to her feet.

"Yong Qi. You don't deserve him."

He thought he just managed to not grit his teeth. _Just. _

She stared at him for a long while, a myriad of emotions flickered in her eyes, then she turned away and said in a monotone, "Go away, Er Tai. I'm not here to listen to your lecture."

"And I didn't come home to see you break my best friend's heart. I came home to mourn my brother."

"I'm not stopping you from doing that, am I?" she said petulantly.

He counted to ten to compose himself, then, for good measure, continued up to fifteen before speaking again. "You know what? You are."

"Then go away. This is a big estate, you don't have to have me in sight."

"Just because I don't see you doesn't mean I don't know you're still here, where you shouldn't be. You should be in the palace, where your husband is."

She didn't speak and just turned her back to him. From the shaking of her shoulders, he wondered whether she was struggling not to cry or not to lash out at him.

"I mean it, Xiao Yan Zi. You don't deserve him."

"Who asked your opinion, exactly?" It was she who had to refrain from gritting teeth this time.

"He didn't have to invest his heart in you, you know. It's not as if he couldn't have any other girl he might want. But he wants you, he loves you, he is ready to give up everything and sacrifice everything – even things that cannot and should not be sacrificed – for you. And you don't appreciate it _at all_."

His voice was rising, and he knew, if anyone was around, they would be hearing every word, but he couldn't care. Neither of them deserved to be this unhappy. No matter how bad Xiao Yan Zi thought the situation was, running away wasn't going to make anything better and he had to make her understand that, regardless of what painful words it required.

"How would you know what I feel?" she demanded.

"You are here, throwing this ridiculous tantrum and refusing to see him. If you understand the battle he is waging with himself, if you understood his heart just a little, if you knew how much pain you're causing him now, and if you love him as much as you claim, then you wouldn't be here, Xiao Yan Zi."

"Don't you dare presume to know what I feel!" she cried, her voice breaking. "You weren't there! You didn't hear the things he said to her, the way he worried about her, the way he looked at her – "

So it still came down to this. At least Xiao Yan Zi was predictable. Running away, stubborn silences – it all just came down to jealousy. Long ago, the whole situation with Cai Lian was so pointlessly stupid and it wasn't any better now.

"Xiao Yan Zi, the woman was carrying his _child! _All he knew was that both she and the child were in danger. You can't take everything he says in that moment so damn literally. He can't be completely heartless for you, regardless of whatever else he might have done for you before!"

"Well, bully for that, because whatever he did supposedly for me, he's rewarded for it now, isn't he? He's got his son, he won't need me –"

"Supposedly? _Supposedly? _Xiao Yan Zi, I might not have been there, but by all reliable accounts, he _married _Zhi Hua _for _you, to save your brother! Men have been forced to marry women they don't like before, but scarcely for that reason and in that way! What more proof do you _want_?"

"That was then, but now – "

"What do you want him to do now, Xiao Yan Zi? Do you need him to foresake both the child and his mother to prove that he loves you? If that is the case, it really is rather hypocritical of you, Xiao Yan Zi, considering you were the only desperate enough for a father that you would 'borrow' Zi Wei's for a few days."

"I never said – "

"If he didn't care so much, he would never have bothered protecting you in the first place, Xiao Yan Zi. He is a good man, but he can't be selectively good for your sake. You can't expect him to care just exclusively for you."

"Of course I don't – "

"Then stop acting like it! Just because he got worried for Zhi Hua doesn't mean he loves her more than you, or even just a little. Zhi Hua isn't the worst you can get, Xiao Yan Zi. I can't believe you can't deal with competition from a silly girl who you should know will never come close to having a fraction of the place you have in Yong Qi's heart."

Er Tai took a deep breath, and only then, seeing Xiao Yan Zi staring at him, did he realise he just shot down her every attempt to get a word edgewise. It wasn't something easily done with Xiao Yan Zi, that was for sure.

He could see the hurt in her eyes, as if she somehow expected him to be on her side too. Side? There were sides now? If there were sides, he was on the side of knocking some sense into both of them and making them realise how much they both love each other and that was all that mattered. He couldn't understand how Xiao Yan Zi failed to see this: did she learn nothing from the war Yong Qi had just been through? Didn't she see how much Zi Wei suffered herself now that she'd lost Er Kang? Pushing Yong Qi away or running away from him should be the last thing Xiao Yan Zi would want to do right now, so why couldn't she see that? How could she not realise just how easily she could have lost Yong Qi in that war? It still terrified Er Tai now if he allowed himself to think about it, which he didn't, because it would bring on more pain how who actually was lost instead. But it could have so easily been both of them. And yet Xiao Yan Zi insisted on wasting her time with Zhi Hua.

Granted, Zhi Hua was probably not just a silly girl. More like a delusional girl who nonetheless still had a very powerful ally. If Xiao Yan Zi didn't realise that the only way to protect herself against such rival was to actually trust Yong Qi, then Er Tai was very worried for both of them come the future, when, Heaven forbid, it wouldn't just be Zhi Hua. Yong Qi's love could be a very powerful weapon and means of protection for Xiao Yan Zi, but she had to know she had it for it to do any good.

Er Tai wasn't sure whether anything he said actually managed to make any impression on Xiao Yan Zi, but it appeared that he, at least, managed to stop her arguments for now. After several seconds intense staring at each other, as if daring each other to speak again, Xiao Yan Zi actually stomped her foot and stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

Left alone, Er Tai closed his eyes and let go of the breath he wasn't even aware he was holding. He was reminded again of how bothersome a love like Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi's would be. They had fallen in love so violently, like the oncoming storm, that their fallouts were always just as tumultuous.

It wasn't that he didn't love Sai Ya just as deeply, it was more that they never really had that starry-eyed, "everything is perfect, you are perfect and nothing could ruin it" stage that they never managed to form lofty expectations of how each other should be that would just end up crashing to the ground into a million pieces.

One would think, after being married for so long, that Xiao Yan Zi would have stop holding Yong Qi up to unattainable standards. Er Tai wasn't even quite sure whether those standards were bad because they _were_ so unattainable, or were good because it at least proved that Xiao Yan Zi somehow thought Yong Qi was capable of achieving them.

Lost in his thoughts, Er Tai didn't even notice Zi Wei coming into the room behind him until she spoke. "That was a bit harsh."

He turned around to face her with a weary sigh. "You heard?"

"I was in the next room. I'm in mourning, not catatonic."

Er Tai wasn't sure whether she was blaming him for what he said, but then decided it didn't matter. He wasn't about to apologise for his words. "She needed to hear it. Someone needs to call her out on how ridiculous she's being."

"Perhaps, but you didn't have to express it quite so harshly."

"On the contrary. I think only hearing the brutal truth would get her to come to her senses."

Zi Wei gave something that resembled a smile. "You would think that. But you've been away for too long."

"What do you mean?"

"You can't deal with an upset, emotionally vulnerable Xiao Yan Zi by screaming logic at her. That's kind of the point. She's irrational because she's upset. I don't know what you wanted to achieve with that, but I can tell you she won't go running back to Yong Qi because you shouted at her."

Truth be told, Er Tai could have worked that out for himself. He wasn't sure what he wanted to achieve either. He only knew that whatever Xiao Yan Zi thought was wrong with her life, it was hardly Yong Qi's fault, and while taking her anger out on him would certainly maker her feel better, it wasn't going to do any good in the long run.

"I'm not sure Yong Qi would thank you, either, for saying that to her," Zi Wei continued.

"I didn't say it for him to thank me. I said it because someone should tell his side of the story, even if he would not. So little of it is in his control, yet somehow he has to suffer alone for it. Because, admit it, even you and Qing Ge Ge sympathise with her more than with him. I'm not saying you're wrong for that, but it's just unfair."

Zi Wei genuinely smiled now, and said, "For his sake, at least, I am glad that you are back, even under these circumstances. Because you are right, Qing Er and I have this instinct to comfort her. But then we all have our biases."

"I shan't remind you that he is your brother."

"And the very best, I assure you. But as you said, you have an obligation to see through his eyes, and I will see things through hers. But let's not go into the technicalities. I will say, though, despite it all, some of the things you said are some of the things I would like to say to her. More gently, of course. I think even if it doesn't make any impact on her now, it might do later when the storm calms a bit."

"Assuming she lets it calm."

"Yong Qi won't let her walk away so easily."

Of that much, Er Tai was sure of, and for now, it was only that faith that somewhat assured him that the mess his friends found themselves in might eventually be resolved with something resembling happiness.

"Did you mean it though?" Zi Wei asked. "When you said she doesn't deserve him?"

"Yes, but then I also think Huang Shang doesn't deserve the devotion of some of his wives, and that my brother didn't deserve you, not just because you're a princess, and that's all a topic for another day. But love isn't about what one deserves, is it? It's about choices. Yong Qi chose to love Xiao Yan Zi, to spend his life with her. I do not wish that his feelings were any different, and in many ways, she had made him a better person. I just hate to see him so unhappy, even though it would be ludicrous to think anyone could avoid being unhappy at some point in their lives."

"It's hard to think of anyone being happy right now, actually," she answered. "And I suppose that just fuels this entire_ thing _between Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi. But precisely because of all we've just lost, I don't think, when it comes down to it, that Xiao Yan Zi could bear walking away from Yong Qi now, either."

"Of course_ we_ know she could not, but does she know that? Because sometimes I think Xiao Yan Zi really doesn't know what she wants."

"If she didn't before, I think she would have to at least consider it now."

Er Tai looked at her, confused.

Zi Wei leaned in and whispered, "After she stormed off, she would have gone to find me, and realising I was next door, she would have come back. I am sure she had been outside, listening to at least some of what we've been saying."

Pulling away, she smiled, and said, "Good day, Brother."

Er Tai resisted the urge to smirk. "Good day, Sister."

* * *

_A/N: I have to say, my biggest WHAT?! moment of the whole "Er Kang dies but doesn't really die" situation in HZGGIII is "WHERE IS ER TAI?" And then I thought, if Er Tai did come back, what would he make of the mess that's become of everyone's lives?_

_Re: Slow updates. I've been…distracted? My life got taken over by Lizzie Bennet Diaries (which led me to writing fics at midnight…not that that is anything new) and Doctor Who (which miraculously I have not written any fic about yet.). Never let yourself be talked into watching Doctor Who if you haven't watched it before. It consumes your life, it will break your heart and put you into zombie state. _

_PS: I wrote an answer to a review of this chapter, and it got a bit long: huanzhuyulu dot tumblr dot com slash post slash 36198518307_


	37. Blue

**XXXVI. Blue**

* * *

_Xiao Yan Zi once met a strange man with a blue box, who introduced her to adventures. _

_(AU-ish? Just roll with it. I'm not even sure what's going on. Doctor Who crossover.)_

* * *

The first time Xiao Yan Zi met him, he crashed through the wall of the restaurant where she was working. In fact, he crashed directly into where she was washing the dishes, tipping over the wash basin, spilling water everywhere, and (needless to say) broke practically all the china.

She was too distraught at the mess in front of her to notice just how strange the man looked. She wasn't usually prone to crying, but fatigue and hunger was setting in, and the anticipation of the beating she would probably get from the master for the mess made her burst into tears.

The man stared at her, then hearing sounds of footsteps from outside, he grabbed her hand, small and wrinkled from soaking in water for a long time.

"Run!"

It was then that she realised he was ridiculously tall, taller than all the men in the restaurant. Thus, he managed to bowl over all the people who sought to stop them. Together they ran out of the restaurant into the streets and didn't stop until they reached a deserted alleyway.

Xiao Yan Zi was sure it was only adrenaline from the bizarre situation that allowed her to run so far and so fast on an empty stomach. Then again, she suspected the man slowed his pace a little for her to keep up.

It was when they finally stopped that she got a good look at him. He looked unlike any person she'd ever seen before, with short hair that stuck all over the place (who had short hair anyway? And why was his hair that strange brown colour?) and even stranger clothes. He was wearing something like a long brown cloak-like-thing and underneath that a blue outfit that her vocabulary didn't have enough words to describe. He was pointing some strange stick with a blue light at the end all around the alley before turning back to her, declaring, "Well, this place is safe. But it won't stay safe if I stay here."

Then he took the cloak thing off and draped it around her shoulder. She imagined it looked ridiculous on her – she fairly drowned in it and half of it dragged on the dirt of the alley. But he didn't seem to care, but just wrapped it around her.

"Keep that for warmth. I'll come back to get it and get you later."

Then, flashing her a grin, he ran and disappeared around the corner, leaving her alone, feeling totally perplexed.

Did the man just rescue her from that restaurant? She had been sold there a year ago and had generally been overworked, underfed and abused there. She had been trying to think of a way to escape, but never really managed it.

She wasn't sure when the man's "later" was supposed to be, or what he meant when he said he'd come and "get" her. Instinct told her the man didn't have malicious intentions, so she sat and waited for him in the alley until night fall. When he didn't show and her stomach was growling too hard for her to ignore any longer, she began to walk away. Whoever he was, maybe he'd forgotten all about her now. At least he was kind enough to leave her with the cloak; it was stupidly large but at least it was warm.

* * *

The second time Xiao Yan Zi met him was also in a deserted alleyway, not far from where he had left her a couple of years before.

It was night and she huddled against the wall, wrapped the cloak around herself, trying to trap in the warmth. Even totally cocooning herself in it didn't totally keep the cold away in the deep Beijing winter. Perhaps she hadn't thought this through quite enough. Running away from a(nother) cruel master was all fine and desirable, but she perhaps should have delayed the running away until spring, when the weather was a bit more bearable.

Well, she was out now, there was no going back. She at least had the brown cloak to keep her warmer than she would otherwise be, now she just needed to steal some food from somewhere…

(She only managed to keep the cloak all this time because before she was captured and sold to the master she just ran away from, she had hidden the cloak in a deserted stable and miraculously it had stayed there, allowing her, just now, to dig it out again.)

Perhaps she should get moving. The cloak around her reminded her of the single word the strange man told her once: Run. Perhaps running would make her warmer. It would certainly give her something to do other than huddling in a dark alley.

She was about to move out when strange, whizzing noise rose about her and the wind picked up, swirling things around in a spiral. Then, she watched, open-mouthed, half in horror, half in fascination, as a large blue, wooden box suddenly appeared in front of her, with a lantern with no fire blazing on top.

The sudden, impossible presence of the box glued her to her place and she couldn't even react when out of the box came the strange man, looking as if nothing had changed.

"Ah, there you are!" he said upon seeing her, as if two years hadn't passed since they last saw each other. "I've been looking for you."

Xiao Yan Zi didn't know what to say, and could only stare at him.

"What have you done to my coat!" he exclaimed indignantly. "It's a shredded mess!"

She supposed it was worse for wear, but it'd been two years. What did he expect?

She still didn't speak and for a moment they stared at each other. Then, finally:

"Wait. You're older. Definitely older. Children grow so fast, even obviously malnourished ones. When was the last time you saw me?"

"Two...years?" she answered, still having no idea who he was, but for some reason, feeling no fear. There was something in his easy manners and his open, friendly face that made her unafraid.

"Right." He looked as if the fact that he somehow missed two years was totally normal. "Sorry about that. I meant to come back right away. Guess time got the better of me."

Nothing he said made any sense, so Xiao Yan Zi just settled for a neutral question. "Who are you?"

"I'm the Doctor," he answered with an impish smile, leaning casually against the wall beside him, and sticking his hands in his pockets.

"The Doctor?"

"Yes. The Doctor. And who are you?"

"Xiao Yan Zi."

"Xiao Yan Zi! It's a bird, if the TARDIS translation is correct! Now, Xiao Yan Zi, what are you doing out here in the cold?"

She shrugged, not really wanting to get into her predicament beside the cold – that is, homeless, nowhere to go and beyond hungry. At least he'd noticed it was cold, then perhaps he wouldn't take the cloak away from her.

"Come into the warmth," he said, holding out his hand and nodding towards his blue box.

She eyed it dubiously. She wasn't even sure how it held him, let alone the both of them, even as small as she was.

"Oh, you'd be surprised," he said mischievously, seeing her doubt.

She stepped through the blue doors and her jaws dropped open at what she saw inside. It was like something from another world, and she had no words to describe what she saw. Everything was bright and smooth and shiny, so different from the dark, grimy and earthy world she was used to. And it was _huge. _

"Well?" the Doctor asked, standing beside her, a rather silly smile on his face.

"It's bigger on the inside," she breathed.

"Exactly!" he cried gleefully, looking absurdly pleased, though she couldn't see why he seemed so impressed that she would draw attention to this fact. After all, of all the extraordinary things she'd seen in the last few minutes, this had to be it.

"Who are you? What are you doing here?" she asked again.

"I told you," he replied jovially. "I'm the Doctor. As for what I'm doing here…well, it's about Christmas time. Something always happens to me at Christmas, or at least in places and times that celebrate Christmas. So I figured I'd go somewhere that _doesn't _celebrate Christmas. And at a time that would ensure they _definitely_ would not celebrate Christmas, just for good measure. And here I am. Didn't manage to stay out of trouble though. Got chased by some bald sword-wielding monks. I don't reckon they're the same ones I ran into in Scotland in 1879 though, so that's all right."

Everything he said was extraordinary and not much of it made sense. But somehow his eccentricities fascinated her, and she had an urge to giggle at how little she understood any of what he just said and how unseriously he seemed to take himself.

However, before either of them could say anything further, the door to the box slammed shut and the whole (box?) that she was currently in started to make the same wheezing and whooshing noises it had made when it first appeared.

"Oh come now, where are you whisking us off to?" the Doctor asked, though not to Xiao Yan Zi, though she was the only other person in the room. He ran to the (thing?) in the middle of the room, the thing that was covered in knobs and levers and she knew not what else and started to punch at them in seeming randomness, before he apparently gave up and leaned back against it, facing Xiao Yan Zi. He smiled.

"Looks like she thinks you are in need of an adventure, Little Swallow."

"Who?"

"The TARDIS. Well, there's no stopping her now. Allons-y!"

* * *

For a little girl whose entire existence had only consisted of the less savoury parts of Beijing, life in the TARDIS (for apparently that was what the blue box was called), traveling through Time and Space with a strange man called the Doctor, was unlike anything she could ever imagine.

She didn't even know why, even as the TARDIS whisked the two of them away to some unknown destination, she didn't feel afraid. Of course, it helped that at that moment she never realised the scale of the adventure she was heading into. She didn't know in just a few days time, she'd be running from creatures called Daleks and Cybermen and murderous statues called Weeping Angels. It was only amazing that she couldn't help but trust the Doctor right away. She never liked strange men. More often than not, they would make her work too hard or sell her to work even harder. She shouldn't like or trust men who apparently lured her into a weird box and then kidnapped her to who-knew-where (when?).

But in the end, she was never afraid of him, and she always trusted him, despite all the dangers that they got into. Maybe it was because she somehow understood he was as alone as she was, and that he wandered because he had nowhere else to go. She wished she didn't know what that was like, but she did.

* * *

He took her to see far away stars and planets (so far away that she didn't have a concept of _how_ far exactly), which always took her breath away. He took her to see places where people looked more like him and she was apparently the exotic one. He took her to a time when children were more cherished, actually had something called rights and by law could not be exploited. And apparently, there would be a time when women could hold their own against a man and did not have to obey men's every whim.

But at the same time, the places he took her to made her realise that even in what seemed to be a perfect world in the future, where people no longer needed servants to soak in cold water for hours to get the dishes cleaned because the dishes apparently washed themselves, there were still problems. There were still good people, apathetic people and bad people. There were still those who wanted to hurt others and seemed to thrive on that. Apparently even if all of human wants and needs were granted, desire was infinite and people would still go to lengths to get it, hurting others in the process.

Perhaps in light of it all, the small, unexciting life she'd known back in Beijing was simpler, and to some, perhaps more enticing. But she had found a taste for these adventures, and couldn't image going back to all that servitude again.

* * *

"Even this is amazing to you, isn't it?" he asked her once, while they were standing under a traffic light on the sidewalk of a street in Beijing, three hundred years into her future. "Just this, 21st century, cars and electric lights…"

"They're _horseless carriages_. That run without horses. And lights that burn by themselves. In different colours," she said, looking at him as if he'd grown another head. "Of _course _they're amazing."

He chuckled. "I spend so much time in the early 21st century that sometimes I can't see the wonder in it anymore. I suppose now, for me, it's _amazing _and _wonderful _to go back into the past, to a time when I haven't spent much time. Like China in the 17th century. I was ever hardly there, so when I ran into you, to me that whole city was so worth-seeing. I suppose I felt that once, about the 20th and 21st centuries, when I first started traveling. When it was all still new to me, it was like I'm the first to discover a lost world. I guess you can get used to anything."

"I'm sure if I lived here, I would never be able to get used to all this."

"You'd be surprised. The past or future is only interesting and magical when they remain the past or future. When they become your present, they get mundane and bring all the hassles and pains of life."

"What is your present? Here? Now?"

"Everywhere and every time could become my present," he said, a tinge of sadness in his voice. "That's why I need people like you. People who still see the wonder of their past or future and teach me to see it too."

* * *

Sometimes he would take her to see a little girl who lived with her mother by a shining lake, a girl who was often sad because her mother was often sad. The girl's name was Zi Wei. Xiao Yan Zi told her of her adventures, and Zi Wei thought it was all make belief. Zi Wei tried to teach Xiao Yan Zi poetry and the like, but who needed that when you had the entire universe waiting for you? The Doctor, at least, found Zi Wei's poetry interesting, so maybe it wasn't a completely futile effort.

The Doctor took her into the imperial palace once because she always wanted to know what was inside those impenetrable walls. She had seen things beyond this world, but the reality of the world she originated from still haunted her. So they spent a couple of hours sneaking around in the Forbidden City, and if it wasn't for the perception filter, which made them unnoticeable, they probably would have been beheaded at some point, for they stuck out like sore thumbs.

(The only person who apparently saw them despite the perception filter was a young prince, but they ran back into the TARDIS right away and by the time the guards came, the TARDIS had already whooshed away. Xiao Yan Zi was disappointed though, because she was sure even when the guards came, they couldn't have noticed her and the Doctor through the perception filter, and she would have liked to actually talk to a prince. The Doctor just smiled and said she'd see him again, and wouldn't explain when she asked what he meant by that. His only other comment was a rather long-winded rhapsody about how incredible it was that the prince was immune to the perception filter. Apparently that made him special. Go figure.)

* * *

Once, the Doctor asked her if she would like to see her parents. But she didn't know who they were, how could they travel to them? And even if they could…she wasn't even sure she wanted to. She had no idea why she was abandoned on the doorstep of that nunnery in the first place, after all. She only wanted happy memories in the TARDIS, and she couldn't be sure her parents ever fit into that criteria.

* * *

After a while, the Doctor landed the TARDIS in Beijing again, but not in the dark, depressing alleyway where they met a second time and when he first whisked her away. (She wasn't sure how long they'd been away. They were time traveling, after all.)

She stepped out of the TARDIS, expecting perhaps some other mysterious planet with strange creatures, but was greeted with the familiar sight of Beijing again. She turned around, at once fearful, that he was abandoning her.

"You don't want me anymore."

"No, not at all, dear Swallow. And you have a whole life before you, I cannot keep you away from it."

"There is no life for me here, you know that, I want to spend my life traveling with you."

"You are so young, sometimes I forget _how very young. _You have much to live for, and my companions so often meet bad ends. I would like this to be a time when someone with so much future as you will not have it all ruined by staying with me. Believe me, Xiao Yan Zi, I have been to your future, you have more adventures waiting for you. They will be more normal than those you will have in the TARDIS, but every bit as thrilling."

She looked at him doubtfully.

"When you walk away from here," the Doctor continued, "you will meet a pair of brother and sister who will be your friends for life and be the catalyst bringing you to people and events that will change your life forever. You and your good heart will bring so much joy to many more people than just me. Embrace those opportunities, Xiao Yan Zi."

She didn't really understand what he was saying, but that was nothing unusual. Apparently no one ever did understand him much. But unlike other times, she was sure she didn't want to understand.

"I don't want to leave you."

"Oh Xiao Yan Zi," he sighed, and pulled her into his arms, kissing the top of her head. "You will come to love all the people in your future so very much. Even more so now, because of all that you've seen. You'll come to cherish them more now that you know how vast the future is and how the things we have can so be easily taken away."

"It's not fair," she sniffled against his (new) brown coat. "You can't drop me back here again, not after everything."

"Oh come, Xiao Yan Zi," he said in that trying-too-hard-to-be-casual voice of his, "you'll be perfectly all right. All my companions are always all right when they leave me."

That was more or less a lie, and he knew she knew it. She waited for the familiar "Weeelll…" of self-contradiction, for him to realise that what he said couldn't be true upon further thought. But it never came.

But even beyond that, it was other things that he didn't say that bothered him more. If she was leaving, it wasn't even herself she was more worried about. He was a time traveler, after all, and if he said she'd be all right, perhaps she believed him a little.

"Will you promise me _you_ will be okay?"

He smiled, but this smile was tinged with sadness. "I'm always okay."

Another lie. But neither of them contradicted this either. They stood there in the shadow of the TARDIS for a long time. Finally, it was he who finally the silence first.

"Thank you, Xiao Yan Zi," he said, his hand against the TARDIS door.

"I didn't do anything."

"You did more than you ever realised. You gave me a reason to hope again. Before I met you, I just had to make a very best friend of mine forget me, and it hurt so. I did wonder if I should ever get close to anybody again. But you showed me that someone so young, so precious as you, who seemed to have nothing, who seemed to have lost everything, could still see the wonder in the creations of the universe, and could still take joy in it. And if you could find hope in all that I've showed you, then I could find my own hope in it all, as well."

Then he turned, as if to go.

"Doctor!"

"Yes?"

"Don't be alone. No one should be alone in that vast, endless universe. You least of all. Find someone to share your adventure. Don't ever be alone."

For a split second, his eyes clouded over, in a way that she knew from experience that meant he was lost in some memory perhaps hundreds of years old. Then, just as quickly, he snapped his attention back to her and smiled.

"Thank you, again. And, good bye, Xiao Yan Zi."

She watched as he walked into the TARDIS and closed the door behind him. A moment later, the now-familiar whizzing sound started, and the TARDIS started to shimmer out of existence. Xiao Yan Zi stood there, watching it go, her hand raised slightly in farewell. Already her surroundings were too vast, too quiet without the ever-present humming of the TARDIS.

* * *

A/N: Remember last chapter I said I haven't written Doctor Who fanfic yet? Well, I lied. This is it. I'm not sure how this happened.


	38. Cold

**XXXVII. Cold**

* * *

_This was not how Er Kang wanted to spend his first wedding anniversary. _

There is a meme on the internet where there are scenarios you have to write about two characters. One of the scenarios is "forced to share a bed". Of course I had to go with this, didn't I? Yes, this is supposed to be silly and snarky. And platonic. Just in case that wasn't clear. All one big conversation.

* * *

"Tell me again, how did we get into this situation?"

"Just take the bed, Xiao Yan Zi. I'm trying to be the gentleman here. Let me be."

"No, really. Just…jog my memories."

"You want a recap, really?"

"Humour me, Er Kang."

"You, me, Yong Qi went to Hebei to check out the situation there, a situation which, in fact, Yong Qi would have done well on his own, but Zi Wei insisted I go with Yong Qi because I've been hovering over her and apparently she thought I needed a vacation, and you insisted on going with us because apparently you felt you needed a vacation from the palace too even though why you think traveling in winter is fun, I have no idea."

"Well you have been hovering. She's only pregnant."

"Don't you start."

"It's true! Besides, I know we got out of Beijing. It's how you and I ended up in this situation that I'm just finding a little hard to get my head around."

"You do realise that my recapping it all won't change the situation one bit?"

"Yes."

"Are you always this insufferable? What? It's true! Fine! Fine! So an urgent summon came from Beijing which says Huang Ah Ma needs Yong Qi back immediately. Of course, you have to go frolicking in the snow the day before and catch a cold so bad that it confined you to bed for three days, which meant that Yong Qi had to go back to Beijing and I got stuck waiting around for you."

"Thanks. It's nice to know you like me so much."

"Not tonight, I don't particularly like you."

"Feeling's mutual."

"Of course the moment you are well and _we _start back to Beijing, before we've even been on the road for two days, there's a blizzard. And this is the only inn in a twenty-mile radius that has any room left. The only problem is it only has_ one _room left. With one bed. So, Xiao Yan Zi, just take the stupid bed. I'd like to get to sleep soon, even if it would be on the floor."

"It's freezing. There's not enough blankets left even with ours from the carriage to make the floor warm."

"I'll live, thank you for your concern."

"No, Er Kang, really. You'll catch your death on the floor. And I wouldn't want to explain to Zi Wei how that happened."

"What do you want to do? _There is one bed._"

"I'm sure we can both fit."

"You can't be serious."

"What? It's not as if anything will happen."

"Yong Qi is going to kill me. _I _am going to kill me."

"You think I've never slept as close to Liu Qing before?"

"What? No, I don't want to know. I really don't."

"WHAT? Oh my god, you are such a – NOT LIKE THAT, you idiot!"

"I hope not!"

"Sometimes in the winter it's the only way to keep warm when we didn't have money for coal and blankets, you know."

"Xiao Yan Zi. It's one night. I'll be fine. You take the bed, and just go to sleep. Let's not talk about this anymore."

"It'll get colder in the night. The floor is stone. You. Will. Freeze."

"Fine. But no one will know about this."

"Believe me, I won't be bragging to everyone about this either. Not exactly how I planned to spend my first wedding anniversary."

"And you think this is how I planned to spend mine? At least whoever's making all this happening is being consistent."

"Consistent?"

"Wedding anniversary. Remember what happened about this time last year?"

"Oh, god. I think I was so traumatised by that whole mix-up that I just blocked it from my memories."

"I wish I could do that."

…

"Er Kang, for heaven's sake, are you made of elbows?"

"I am lying perfectly straight. It's you who kept jamming into me."

"How does Zi Wei – never mind. Budge over, will you? You're pressing me against the wall. It's cold."

"There is no over to budge. In any case, at this rate, I might as well have taken the floor in the first place, since you're doing a good job of pushing me to it."

"The bed is very small, Er Kang."

"I really haven't noticed that, Xiao Yan Zi."

"Sarcasm doesn't become you."

"And hogging the blanket doesn't become _you._"

"Well, you're hogging the pillow."

"I am not."

"Are too."

"Do you realise how childish that sounds?"

"Shut up."

"You are the one who insisted on this."

"Because I don't want to explain why you froze to death."

"You could complain me to death though."

"Shut up. And you are still hogging the pillow."

"There's only one pillow, Xiao Yan Zi, and it's small."

"No kidding. Seriously, how does Zi Wei – never mind."

"You keep saying that. And for your information, we don't sleep in the world's smallest bed with just one pillow at home. Here. Have it."

"Argh!"

"What now?"

"The pillow is too small."

"I thought we've established that already?"

"No, it's too small even just for me."

"Your head is that big?"

"Shut up."

"Fine, give it back to me then."

"Then I won't have a pillow."

"For heaven's sake, you complain with it and you complain without it. Just give it back."

"Fine, here."

"Roll over."

"I thought you said there was no over."

"Xiao Yan Zi, just – "

"Er Kang, that's your arm, not a pillow."

"It will serve the purpose of a pillow and it will be long enough for your need."

"I AM NOT SLEEPING ON YOUR ARM!"

"Do you mind not waking up the whole town?"

"Er Kang!"

"You haven't done this before?"

"Not with _your _arm!"

"Dare I ask –Liu – "

"NO! Yong Qi!"

"I am sure there must be soldiers outside this inn now wondering why you're shouting the name of – "

"SHUT. UP."

"You keep telling me to shut up, when the one that need to shut up is you."

"You_ are _made of elbows."

"You've made this observation before. And it's my arm. There's an elbow attached. That's what arms are."

"Turn it to the none-elbow side."

"I can't without turning to my side."

"So turn."

"Fine. If I do, can we go to sleep now?"

"Yes! Aaah!"

"What _now_?"

"Are you…spooning me?"

"Xiao Yan Zi. You are lying on your side. I am lying on my side. Ergo? Yes. And it is the most efficient use of the world's smallest bed. And I have not complained about your hair in my face, so _you_ can shut up."

"This is so wrong."

"I am glad we finally came to that conclusion."

"You are not going to mistake me for Zi Wei and snuggle me during the night are you?"

"I doubt either of us will fall into sleep so deeply that _that_ could happen."

"I swear, Er Kang, if it does, I _will _kick you where it hurts."

"As long as it's not you doing the mistaking."

"Shut up and sleep, Er Kang."

"I really want to comment that it's you who have been keeping both of us up all this time."

"Shut. Up."

"Xiao Yan Zi? Yong Qi will never, under any circumstance, know about any of this."

"You tell him and I will kill you before he gets to you."

"You tell him and I will kill myself before you even get to me."

"Deal."

"Deal."

"Good night."

"Good night."


	39. Palace

******XXXVIII**. Palace

* * *

_The inner palace was a battlefield of a never-ending war where weapons were insincere smiles and pretty faces. Zhen Huan finds herself forced down memory lane when Xiang Fei arrives in Beijing. _

_(Legend of Zhen Huan crossover; very stream of consciousness; Zhen Huan is 76 episodes long and too long for a summary, but the main things you need to know is that it's the (very historically inaccurate) story of how a girl called Zhen Huan became Empress Dowager, and Empress Dowager in question happens to be Lao Fo Ye in HZGG._

_I said on my Tumblr once that the weird "crossover-ness" of the two series was practically screaming for a fic…and well, here it is.)_

* * *

I don't know why Huang Hou is so bothered by Xiang Fei. Of course, the girl is beautiful, but many girls in the inner palace are beautiful. Perhaps Huang Hou feels threatened by that strange, inhuman scent, and perhaps that is quite impossible to compete with. But still, it is clear to anyone with eyes that the girl would rather die in a pit of fire than be an imperial concubine. She would put up a fight, this one, even if in the end, a fight would be pointless. Stronger wills than hers had succumbed to the force of a dragon's desires. If she is smart, the girl would give herself up before the dragon's wrath awakes and she finds herself on fire.

Huang Hou doesn't have anything to fear from Xiang Fei, really. Not yet, anyway. Right now, she is just a pawn; the girl likely knows she is pawn, and is probably happy to remain that way: the least important piece, never to rise to any significance.

Xiang Fei probably just wants a quiet life…with no one to bother her. She probably only ever wants to be left to her own devices to carry out a meager existence day after day. Oh, now naïve they all are, at the beginning. This is the palace, and there is no avoiding conflict. Either you walk into it with open eyes and willing spirit, or you are dragged into it, kicking and screaming, and in the end all the worst for it.

I once wanted a quiet life in the palace too, an existence consisting of keeping my head down, not drawing attention to myself.

And now…

I try to push the thought away. It doesn't matter what I ever wanted in my youth, once upon a time. Those were the folly dreams of a girl. It doesn't even matter that, in the end, everything in my life turned out opposite of what I wished, and it certainly isn't relevant that it was _I _who was dragged into the conflict, kicking and screaming. None of it matters. I now stand where I am, and it doesn't matter what I once had to do to get here. Dwelling on it all only invites something that resembles regret, and there is no use for regret now, not when nothing can be changed.

Still, I keep an eye on Xiang Fei, not for Huang Hou's sake, though it is beneficial that she should think so. (I have to admit the slight irony in the fact that after deposing of one Ulanara woman from the post of Empress, I am now helping another keep her position.) I keep an eye on Xiang Fei, because if there is one thing I learnt over the years, it was that one should always beware the quiet ones. It is the ones who don't seek to bring attention to themselves that in the end bring the most chaos and change.

Like An Ling Rong, who even now I try not to think about, because I don't want to face how much thinking about Ling Rong hurts, still, after all these years.

Like myself. I cannot deny it.

_Like Ning Pin._

In so many ways, Xiang Fei reminds me of Ning Pin. Xiang Fei is just as unwilling a concubine as Ning Pin once was, with her heart locked away with another man. It was their exoticness that was their curse, too, because it was that otherness that made them stand out. Ning Pin hid as Xiang Fei hides now behind a mask of proud indifference to everything that goes on around her, not caring whether she lives or dies. I suppose, that is one of the many ways that women in this cold, gilded prison keep themselves alive.

The truth is, of all those who I once went head-to-head against, it was Ning Pin's quiet determination and subtle ruthlessness behind that cold mask that terrified me the most. Of all the times my life was in danger, I was never more scared than that one incident in the dark with Ning Pin. I remember even now how my heart beat furiously, so fast that I could almost hear it in the stillness of the night. I can still feel the fear that flooded through my entire body and the coolness of the blade of a knife that Ning Pin once held under my chin. I am in no doubt that all those years ago, Ning Pin was very capable of killing me that night and blame it on Qi Gui Ren, thereby effectively killing Qi Gui Ren as well. She would have done it, if her love for the Seventeenth Prince and consideration for his feelings didn't out-weight her hatred of me and what I did to him. Sometimes I still dream that I didn't get out of that darkness alive.

Now, I am the only person alive now who knows _exactly _how the emperor Yong Zheng died. There are rumours, of course – perhaps he fell ill much too fast – and I try to nip those at the bud when possible, but I alone know each and every step that Ning Pin took to ensure Yong Zheng's death. After all, I did stand back and let her do it. Perhaps I should regret that; perhaps the very idea that I could turn a blind eye should terrify me, but it didn't then and doesn't now.

I know what desperate women with nothing to lose like Ning Pin and Xiang Fei are capable of. Perhaps it is for that knowledge that I react so violently when I learn that Xiang Fei tried to kill Hong Li. I know more than most that it _is _possible for an emperor to die at the hand of a beloved concubine.

It is strange, my relationship with my adopted son. Regardless of what I have been through, I am not a heartless woman – quite frankly, sometimes I wish I were heartless, then the struggles of the palace wouldn't have hurt so much. Over the years, I came to love Hong Li as much as my own children, not solely because he was part of my deliverance and the one to put me in my current secure position. Certainly, I know he respects me and treasures me with all that was due to someone who brought him out of exile and into the highest position in the land. Over the years, sometimes I think that he had really come to believe I was his real mother as well.

Still, it was moments like this, when his life is in danger, that I really become aware of just how very much I love this son, who is, in truth, too old to be my son. Faced with threats to his life, I found my hard-earned defenses coming up and the instincts to eliminate threats that I have allowed to lie dormant all these years waking up. I have to act with the same decisiveness and precision as once before and if Hong Li blames me for it, then I would have to let him. I have seen what Ning Pin could do, I will not sit back and let Xiang Fei do the same. Even if they are not totally cut from the same cloth, at least they are coloured with the same dye of resentment. Left alone long enough and whatever goodness Hong Li thinks Xiang Fei possesses will be taken away and his life would be _really _in danger then…

Sometimes, in more quiet days, I find myself thinking of those I once called sisters. Duan Fei and Jing Fei are both dead now. They were the few who were in the battle even before I ever arrived, and survived with me until the very end. When they were still alive, I could look at them and allow myself to be pleased that at least not everyone who ever associated with me ended up in a long and painful death. I could look at them and have the satisfaction of knowing that at least I helped some of those I care about to live, to thrive. But now that they are dead, and I am the only one left, the last veteran, I find myself thinking more and more of those who died for me, those connected to me and died because of me.

There were too many of those, but now…now I find I could add Xiang Fei to that number with no regret, to look at her and count her as a lost in the inevitable battle of the inner palace, if it means Hong Li will be kept safe. (After sitting back and letting Ning Pin quietly assassinate the emperor, what else wouldn't I do to keep my children safe?)

And yet they call me Lao Fo Ye.

Sometimes the name feels to me more like mockery than an honorific.

But perhaps Xiang Fei isn't a normal human being after all, for who else could have survived that poison? To say she doesn't make me fear her a little more after that is probably lying. It seems, despite my efforts, Heaven wants Xiang Fei alive. At least Hong Li is pleased. Still, I don't need Qing Er's calming words to know that I should pull away from this battle now. I have had to be patient before, I will be patient now. Whatever role Xiang Fei played in this never ceasing war in the palace, it was clear that her contributions are not over yet. I will have to adapt my moves accordingly. I will not be caught unawares…

Maybe I should have been relieved when the girl ran away, because it means, at least, I will not have to resort to any convoluted plans to get rid of her. I had to have once successfully eliminated all my rivals to get to where I am, but that never meant I enjoyed watching their falls. It always hurts, one way or another. So perhaps I should have been happy that I would not have to witness it again.

But I find, as I learn of Xiang Fei's disappearance, that my anger isn't on Hong Li's behalf, though he is heart-broken. It isn't even because Xiang Fei has broken every rule and etiquette of the palace – if I am truthful, I never think much of them in the first place.

The painful truth is, my anger upon finding out Xiang Fei had ran away stems from a much more personal place.

I was born Zhen Huan, a simple girl from a normal Han family, who only dreamed of a peaceful life. Now, I am Empress Dowager with a son who is not my own on the throne. I once loved with all my heart, with every fiber of my being, and the subject of that love was not the man who was considered my husband, my emperor. Oh, I had something that resembled love for him once, but it all crumbled when my illusions of him shattered along with my innocence. If Yong Zheng, in death, ever finds out where my heart really lay after I came back to the palace from exile, then he can only blame himself, because it was by exiling me that he pushed me into the arms of the man I love, now, still, so many years after Yong Zheng forced death upon him. It was that moment when he died that I find myself truly and honestly, through every depth of me, hating Yong Zheng. And yet still, to save myself, to save my children, I still have to pretend to be the dutiful woman. After while, I find that I should hate myself too, for the act that I put up, for all that I've done.

In the end, the most insulting thing is, Xiang Fei has so much potential to be me. Perhaps there would even come a point where I will be on her side, because the truth is, in her, I also see myself. But in the end, she never takes up any of that potential. She never had to be a concubine. She is allowed, after it all, to keep herself intact, in every sense of the word, and flies away. To happiness. To love. To everything I ever wanted but never had, because apparently she is stronger than I ever was. She put up a fight against the dragon where I never dared. So she escapes while I stay behind and regret everything I could have had.

And I hate, hate, hate her for it.


	40. Sister

**XXXIX. Sister**

* * *

_Just by witnessing one side of it, Zhi Qin saw all the unhappiness in her sister's marriage that Zhi Hua refused to see._

* * *

Yong Qi was glad that the army's route back to Beijing from Yunnan avoided busy cities, and they steered clear of Hangzhou and consequently nearby Haining as well. He wasn't sure he was up to a day of visiting the Chen family. He would hardly have been able to hide the fact that the returning army was camping nearby and in knowing that the Chens knew he was nearby would have meant that, out of courtesy, he would have had to visit them.

To say the visit had potential to be awkward would be an understatement. He had met Chen Bang Zhi only once, had no point of reference as to what the man thought of his marriage to his daughter and basically had no idea what to expect from him. He couldn't even be surethat Chen Bang Zhi was _pleased _with the idea of Zhi Hua marrying him, since even from the very first day they visited the Chen estate the last time, Lao Fo Ye had not-so-subtly suggested it. A man in Chen Bang Zhi's position could not possibly show his displeasure even if he did not like it. Even if he was open to it, Yong Qi hardly thought this father-in-law would appreciate how he felt towards his daughter. And then add to _that_ the fact that Yong Qi didn't know what impression the visit to Beijing left in Chen Bang Zhi, and whether he realised the state of things between Yong Qi and Zhi Hua. All in all, it was all too messy and confusing for Yong Qi's current state of mind and emotions, and a visit would be best left for later.

He did not realise, though, that one of the places where they did ended up camping was near where Chen Zhi Qin's husband's family was living. His meeting with her had been purely by accident. It had stormed solidly for three days and they had been forced to stay camped even longer, waiting for supplies to replace what was damaged in the rain and flood. Yong Qi had taken advantage of the free time to stretch his legs in the town market, and stopped in a tea house, which was where he ran into Zhi Qin.

She recognised him first, and if it wasn't for her resemblance to her sister, he had to admit he would not have a clue who she was. Well, to be fair, the fact that she first addressed him as _mei fu _and helpfully referred to herself by her name also gave it away. It wasn't as if she could call him Wu Ah Ge, considering where they were.

"I heard the army was camping in this area."

"Yes, we are making our way to Beijing."

"I am sorry for your loss. I have met Fu Er Kang only once, but he seemed like a good, honourable man."

"Yes."

Yong Qi did not point out that this was only their second meeting as well. Their first meeting was not even a meeting either, since she had been introduced to his father and his grandmother rather than him. Back then, she was engaged, so they exchanged maybe maximum ten words of politeness. Now she was married and he was married to her sister, and yet he knew her not at all. (He didn't know her sister very well either, but that was an entirely different matter.) Xiao Yan Zi would have gotten to know her, however, from her family's visit when he was away. Xiao Yan Zi had even written to him of it, and told him how well she liked Zhi Qin, which was the only reason he was not making up some excuse to escape a conversation with her now.

"You must be anxious to get back to Beijing."

Yong Qi wished he could honestly say that he was in a hurry to get back for her sister's sake, but he could not. So he only nodded.

The conversation that followed involved the weather (which had been horrific), her husband and family (because he didn't want to talk about her sister, and asking about her family seems like a safe bet), the weather (they both hoped for it to improve soon), her visit to Beijing before her marriage (she did more talking than he did the asking), and the weather (they agreed that such storms in that month was unseasonal). It wasn't uncomfortable, if he was to be honest with himself.

* * *

Zhi Qin knew well that the prince was trying to keep the conversation as far away from Zhi Hua as possible, probably because he did not wish to say anything unflattering, and therefore would opt for not saying anything at all.

Things that happened when they stayed in Haining notwithstanding, it was clear to Zhi Qin from her visit to Beijing that her sister's marriage was as loveless as it could get. Zhi Hua had tried too hard to make it seem like everything was perfect, that she had got everything she wanted. She probably didn't realise how fragile that picture of perfection seemed to everyone else who looked in.

Zhi Qin supposed it was not fatal, for there to be no romance and passion, and she would not have worried if she did not detect an undercurrent of _something else _that ran between Zhi Hua and Xiao Yan Zi when she was in Beijing. It was uncomfortable, it was antagonistic and she got the impression that the source of it was _not _Xiao Yan Zi.

"May I ask you something?" she asked after much deliberation.

"Yes."

"You may find this impertinent."

He raised an eyebrow slightly but motioned for her to continue.

"Well, you see, when your home is overflowing with very important guests, you tend to…try not to disturb them, and sometimes that may mean hiding when they come near…and this leads to overhearing things that weren't meant for your ears…"

Her halting speech must have alerted him to the gist of her question, because he looked both curious and wary. He did not interrupt her, however, and she took that as an invitation to continue.

"I would never have stayed to listen if I could get away, but I was trapped, you see, and once I heard the start, it seemed more awkward to make myself known."

"Please, just ask," he said impatiently, but not unkindly. "If I don't want to answer, well, then you will have to excuse me."

"I overheard when Huang – "

"Lao Ye," he interrupted pointedly.

"Yes, when Lao Ye and Lao Tai tai first mentioned the idea of a marriage with my sister to you."

He nodded.

"You did not seem very partial the idea," she continued when he did not say anything.

She nearly laughed at her own understatement. "Not partial" did not even cover half of it. She was in a room when she heard footsteps from outside and voices that told her that Huang Shang, Lao Fo Ye, Huang Hou, Ling Fei Niang Niang _and _Wu Ah Ge were approaching and probably would enter the room. Then, she did not feel up to the stress of receiving them by herself and had hid in an antechamber that guests would not have known existed. She had hoped that they would pass the room once they saw it was empty, or at least not stay long. She was wrong, because she ended up listening to a conversation that she could have lived without knowing about.

She remembered how Wu Ah Ge had sworn up and down then that he would not hurt Xiao Yan Zi or insult Zhi Hua with what Lao Fo Ye's suggestion that he married Zhi Hua, that marrying her would be unfair on both women. Even when Lao Fo Ye had asked Huang Hou and Ling Fei, who were there, whether they felt it was unfair for them to share a husband and both had answered no, he was not moved. (Zhi Qin remembered nearly laughing out loud when Lao Fo Ye asked the question. Really, surely she did not expect anyone to be fooled by either Huang Hou and Ling Fei's so-called reassurances. Neither of them could possibly complain when they were asked such a leading question, and in each other's presence.)

She was contemplating the memory for so long that he ended up finishing her question for her. "And your question is, why I agreed to marry her later anyway?"

She nodded.

"Do you not believe minds could be changed?" he asked vaguely.

Zhi Qin nearly smiled, but at the last moment held it back. She did not want him to think she was making light of the situation. The truth was, if there was anything she got out of the conversation she overheard, it was that Wu Ah Ge _did not wish _to marry Zhi Hua. If he was not impressed by what Zhi Hua had to offer nor was he inclined to obey his grandmother at the very first instant, there could be little reason for him to change his mind. There had to be another reason.

"Perhaps. But then you sounded quite determined, even without Xiao Yan Zi there. And you married her only a few short months later. I did not think that conviction would be so easily changed."

He gave her a sharp look at the way she referred to his wife as _Xiao Yan Zi, _but did not comment on it.

In their first few days in Beijing, Xiao Yan Zi had left Zhi Qin and her sisters to call her by her title. Zhi Qin got the impression that Zhi Hua was only allowed to call Xiao Yan Zi by her name because she did not like the way Zhi Hua called her _Jie jie, _which meant that Zhi Hua just went right on calling her that anyway. Xiao Yan Zi was not subtle enough to Zhi Qin to miss the frowns every time she heard the two syllables from Zhi Hua.

So when Xiao Yan Zi asked Zhi Qin to call her by her name, she had been both reluctant and incredibly touched. That Xiao Yan Zi did not hold Zhi Hua over her and still liked her regardless probably said better things about Xiao Yan Zi than about Zhi Hua. As for Zhi Qin, she did not come with intention of getting to know her sister's rival at all, let alone liking her. But for all that Xiao Yan Zi lacked in education and the usual lady-like refinement, she made up in spades for her kindness and and sense of humour. Though, likely Zhi Hua saw none of that if she spent all her time trying to antagonise Xiao Yan Zi.

Her reluctance had been because, well, Zhi Hua _was_ still her sister, and Zhi Qin did not think that Zhi Hua would miss the difference between the ways the two of them have been asked to call Xiao Yan Zi by her name. Still, in the end, Zhi Qin's growing affection for Xiao Yan Zi won out. She still regretted the look of hurt Zhi Hua shot her way when she realised what was going on.

She did not let Xiao Yan Zi in on any of this at the time, of course, because when she was with her and Zi Wei, both of them were content enough to not mention Zhi Hua at all. Truthfully, Zhi Qin had to admit she preferred it that way. The more time she spent with them, the more she truly liked Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei, but that didn't mean she would have liked to have to defend Zhi Hua to them either. Xiao Yan Zi seemed to have resigned herself to Zhi Hua as a done deal, and was happy enough to escape thoughts of her when she could. To be fair, Zhi Qin could not really blame her.

Zhi Hua did not mention Xiao Yan Zi much when Zhi Qin was with her either, but she could tell that Xiao Yan Zi was constantly on her mind. Zhi Qin did not think her sister realised how much the thoughts plagued her, and that she was trying to get over what she perceived as a pebble but everyone knew would always be a mountain in Zhi Hua's path to her husband's heart.

"Tell me, when you were engaged, have you even met your husband?" Wu Ah Ge asked her suddenly.

"No, of course not."

"And yet you agreed to marry a man you've never met."

"I did not agree to anything. My father did. Though I see your point."

"Yes, I rather think you do."

"So you are saying that while you were determined not to obey your family's wishes when you stayed with my family, later you were convinced to do so and married my sister for that reason?"

"That's one way of putting it," he said, and by his tone, Zhi Qin could tell that could be some truths in that, but underlying that there must be a whole host of other things as well.

"But you did not wish to marry her," she pressed. "I did not _wish, _per se, to marry my husband when we got engaged either, but you cannot want someone you've never met. But you met my sister before, and clearly she did not steal your heart, as the expression goes, but you married her anyway."

"I hardly think that this is a foreign concept, to be honest," he said defensively.

It was one thing to marry a stranger with the mutual understanding that this was what was required of both of you and through that understanding, build some form of contentment together. It was quite another, marrying someone you've met and know would not make you happy. Zhi Qin understood this instinctively, but she saw it even more clearly after witnessing just one side of her sister's marriage.

"It's not," she agreed. "But I just feel…I just feel like there's another reason behind it."

"What makes you say that?"

"From what I saw of Xiao Yan Zi when you stayed in Haining, and from what I saw of her in the times when my sister was not present in Beijing, she did not seem like she was a push-over. But whenever my sister is there, she goes out of her way to…not _defer_, exactly, but to let Zhi Hua have her way and ignore her impolitic remarks, even if Zhi Hua does not extend her the same courtesy. Xiao Yan Zi was holding back from Zhi Hua, even though she had no qualm complaining about Zhi Hua when she was not there."

"Even to you?"

Zhi Qin smiled. The first time it happened, Xiao Yan Zi did not realise what she'd said and in whose presence before she'd already said it. She had been mortified and to Zhi Qin, it had been _funny, _because clearly Xiao Yan Zi did not realise that you cannot possibly say anything about a woman to her sister who she'd grown up with so closely that she did not know before. Zhi Qin was sure, whatever unflattering things Xiao Yan Zi could think, feel and say about Zhi Hua, she had thought, felt and said it all before. Despite how much they did care about each other, four girls growing up in close quarters led to more rivalry and arguments than any of them would care to admit.

"Well, she tries not to, but nothing she could say could be new to me," she told Wu Ah Ge. "That's the thing, she was perfectly nice to me, and she liked me, but with Zhi Hua, it's entirely something else, and it's not as simple as the resentment of someone who does not wish to share her husband with someone else. Believe me, I've seen that, in my own mother, and that was not the vibe Xiao Yan Zi was giving off."

Wu Ah Ge did not say anything else for a long while and seemed caught up in watching the tea swirl around in his cup.

"Does it matter now, _why_?" he asked finally.

She began to understand he would not tell her what exactly made him finally agree to marry her sister. The reason itself did not matter, she concurred, because nothing could change now. What did matter, however, was whatever the reason was, it was not simple compliance, because it affected how Xiao Yan Zi and Zhi Hua, at least, acted around each other. Zhi Qin told him as such.

"And I don't mean this as prying into your domestic affairs, but she is my sister."

"I understand, you worry about her."

"I don't think she realises how unhappy she really is."

He gave her a startled look that was immediately filled with guilt. She realised how accusing it must had sounded to him. "I don't mean to criticise you. Based on what I know…what I overheard, I know you probably had very little choice in this. And I don't think her unhappiness is _quite _because of Xiao Yan Zi, who clearly goes out of her way to stay out of Zhi Hua's hair as it is. I just meant, I know my sister. She probably set herself so single-mindedly on marrying you that once that's done, she doesn't know how to go about navigating the rest of it. She tries so hard to marginalise Xiao Yan Zi that she is incapable of seeing that that's not the way."

Zhi Qin had thought, before she came to Beijing, that if there was conflict, she would be sympathising with her own sister. Still, when it came down to it, watching Xiao Yan Zi and her sister interact, it became almost impossible to ignore how desperately Xiao Yan Zi wanted to avoid contact with Zhi Hua, because she was afraid of the conflict that would arise. Her own understanding of Zhi Hua's body language made it even easier to see that her sister was determined – either consciously or otherwise – to not make this easy for Xiao Yan Zi. No matter how she tried to mask it with pleasantness, Zhi Qin knew Zhi Hua too well to not see the underlying hostility.

"What I cannot understand," Wu Ah Ge said slowly, "is _why _she wanted this marriage in the first place. And yes, I understand the…advantages, and if she could be content with that, I would not wonder. The circumstances that led to the wedding were such that she could not have any doubtthat I did not wish for it. Eventually I came to realise that in those circumstances, it was more _her _idea than it was my grandmother's. She knew how I felt, before and after the wedding, I have never given her reason to think that it would ever be different, and yet I think she expects it to."

He looked so confused that she realised all these things that were easy for her to see, because Zhi Hua was her sister, were complete mysteries to him, because after all this time, they were still little better than strangers. And she did not think Zhi Hua's inability to stop fighting his feelings for Xiao Yan Zi would do much in her favour.

She worried for Zhi Hua. It was clearthat _because _Zhi Hua was so aware of Wu Ah Ge's feelings that she felt the need to prove herself, that she was worthy of it too. Her sister always hated not accomplishing what she set out to do, to lose at anything, to be second best to anyone.

Never before had Zhi Qin felt the danger of her sister's lack of humility as she did now, especially when she must survive alone, miles away from her family's protection. In many ways, marrying a man such as Wu Ah Ge when he did not feel for her was more dangerous than it was worth. If Zhi Hua had married closer to home, their family's reputation and power in the area would be enough reason for her husband and his family to not allow a daughter of Chen Bang Zhi to be wanting for anything, materially or emotionally. In Beijing, Zhi Hua really only had the goodwill that Huang Shang and Lao Fo Ye bestowed on their family as her protection, and to Zhi Qin, it all seemed rather unpredictable. To be sure, Zhi Qin thought it was lucky that neither Wu Ah Ge nor Xiao Yan Zi were malicious or cruel.

Zhi Hua did not see it that way, of course.

"You have to understand, she is the youngest," she explained with a sigh. "As much as my father wanted her to be a son after three daughters, he still doted on her most of all. We have always have had as much a gentleman's education as was possible for a girl to have, but Zhi Hua has always been quicker to learn than all of us. But she was also always the most fanciful, most impractical, which isn't helped by the fact that everything she ever wanted, she got. She thinks that if she wants it hard enough, it will be hers. The one thing that would have made her realise that sometimes things can't go her way is marriage. I'm sure if you never came, and our father made a match for her, she would follow, but I think she also always thought that since we do an…acquaintance with your father, and that a marriage to a prince is not exactly out of our reaches – or her reach, as the case was."

"She expected princes to walk around Haining, did she?" he said, lowering his voice.

"Well, the fact that Lao Ye is fond of Zhejiang is no secret. He would come, eventually. As for you…well…"

She paused, suddenly realising what she was about to say was far from diplomatic. He seemed to understand regardless, because he frowned.

"_Please _don't tell me it was all an elaborate plan before we even came."

"Not exactly," she admitted. "You remember, when you came, my sisters and I were engaged, and Zhi Hua was the only one who was not, though at that age, she should have been. The thing is, about a month before we received word that you were coming, there was a family who came to ask my father for her hand and my father was ready to say yes. He was just waiting for the right day to come by to give his answer. But then the letter came, telling us Lao Ye was visiting Zhejiang and would stay at our estate before proceeding to Hangzhou. My father did not outright reject the suit, in case nothing came of the visit, but he also delayed further his answer. Well, by the end of the visit, everyone knew how it would be."

"And why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling you this because I want you to realise what it looks like to my sister. It was all a coincidence, of course, but to Zhi Hua, it seems like fate, that the timing of Lao Ye's trip interrupting the negotiation of what she sees as a less advantageous marriage."

The way he was tolerating this conversation with her all this time at least convinced Zhi Qin that as much as Wu Ah Ge could not love her sister, he still felt bad about it. He could have just brushed the marriage off as a command, excused himself with the fact that he never had any choice in the matter, and left her to a miserable existence.

It made it so much harder to blame him, though, and Zhi Qin was not sure she liked the conflicted feeling that was filling her now.

For Zhi Hua's sake, Zhi Qin wished things could be different. For Zhi Hua's sake, she wished that Wu Ah Ge was more like other men, men who could divide and partition their hearts and delight in the ability to have many wives. Then, at least, her sister would have some semblance of a chance. She hated to see Zhi Hua trying so hard for something that was never hers and never could be hers, knowing the disappointment that would come. When it did come, Zhi Hua would have to suffer that pain alone. The most difficult thing to accept was that Zhi Qin should have known this was what it would be like, from the moment Wu Ah Ge set foot in their home and the idea of him was planted in her little sister's mind. The moment he became a possibility, Zhi Hua would go after him and because his heart was so locked away elsewhere, she would always be hurt. She wished she saw it clearly enough then to talk Zhi Hua out of it.

"I do understand," Wu Ah Ge said in a troubled voice, "that she is away from her family and alone for the first time in her life, and maybe she does need to hide all her uncertainties and grab onto whatever she feels can protect her. You are not unreasonable in worrying about her. _I _worry that she does not see that Xiao Yan Zi is no threat to her status and will pull Xiao Yan Zi into something she never intended to fight for in the first place. The titles, the status, the privilege are all for her to take, it is the emotions that is not mine to give. But spelling it out to her seems like such a heartless thing."

"I do not expect you to love her against your will," she said. Wu Ah Ge's expression now was impenetrable. She wondered whether he was angry at her presumption in engaging him in a conversation of this nature at all, despite all that he'd confided in her; in words it was not many, but in sentiment, it was probably more than he was comfortable with revealing to Zhi Qin. "I cannot ask you to do anything else that you do not wish, when it was precisely that that led to this. I, of all people, know my sister is not easy to live with. I just hope that, at least, you understand how she sees it all. I can only hope that you are patient with her."

"I will try," he said, "if you would forgive me for not making her happy."

She smiled slightly. "I understand that it takes two people to bring about happiness in marriage, sir. I know my sister has not tried overly hard to understand your feelings either. She is very young and knows little of things beyond what we read in our books, and she thinks the world, people in it and their emotions are so very simple, that she is smarter than them all. It does not entirely excuse her. I just hope, eventually, you can all come up with some balance between the three of you."

The afternoon was coming to a close fast, and Zhi Qin had been out for much too long, so they did not linger over the conversation for much longer. There was little else to say, anyway.

Wu Ah Ge was kind and he was smart, he probably understood even the things that Zhi Qin did not say. She knew he could only try to be gentle and patient with Zhi Hua, whether Zhi Hua saw the sentiment for what it was would be up to her. The truth was, the moment Zhi Hua left home, Zhi Qin and the rest of the family knew she was out of their reach. Her fall or fortune was no longer theirs to control. Wu Ah Ge _could _protect Zhi Hua, if she went about the relationship the right way and made allowances for his feelings, sincerely, not just in appearance like she was apparently doing now. A marriage like Zhi Hua's had to be a compromise, and Zhi Qin could only pray that one day (_soon_) her sister, for all her book-smart, would become astute enough to see it. She only hoped now, that Zhi Hua would not become her own undoing.


	41. Deceit

**XL. Deceit**

* * *

_Prequel to _The Unforeseen Complications of Leaving_. Yong Qi always thought you had to actually care about the person who betrayed you for it to hurt. _

_** I wrote this simultaneously with the last chapter there's probably some connection to each other. _

* * *

She could only tell the passing of time by the progress of the sun outside her window, and by now, most of the day had gone. She could hear the house finally settling down as well, as the sounds of hurried feet and hushed conversations passing her door finally giving way to silence. It was a painful silence, the kind that you were afraid to break, but at the same time felt desperate to break; it was the uncertainty of if breaking the silence would bring more pain that prolonged it.

So it was over, and it shouldn't hurt this much, but it did. The intense sadness she felt since knowing the news still surprised her. It wasn't her loss, after all.

The truth was, she always avoided thinking about it at all, so never before had she considered her hypothetical emotions on the chance of something like this happening. She was never even sure how to categorise her feelings towards Zhi Hua as it was: hatred was too simple a label for the torrents of emotions that rise up in her when faced with Zhi Hua; there was jealousy but again, she wished it was that simple; _antagonistic feelings? _She didn't know.

Whatever it was, it could never have been enough for Xiao Yan Zi to have wished for this. She was selfish enough to have wished for the child to never have existed at all, but could never have wished for his death like this, no matter how his life would have threatened her.

The night was pressing in on the house from all sides now, and Xiao Yan Zi longed to escape her room, which she had shut herself in from the moment it became clear that there was something wrong with the child who had only been born two days before, much too early. It wasn't that she didn't care. She just gathered that he didn't need the distraction of her presence then.

Another time, she probably would have felt the pain of all his attention on Zhi Hua more. She actually wished she could feel that pain, because at least it meant that things were well enough for her to indulge in that selfish jealousy.

As it was, she could think of nothing but his pain, and how nothing she did now could possibly lessen it.

She was interrupted from her thoughts by a light knock on her door, and then Xiao Shun Zi tentatively stepped into the room.

"How is he?" she asked softly.

"Wu Ah Ge is in the study," Xiao Shun Zi replied. She didn't miss the fact that he deliberately avoided her question. "If you please, you should go to him."

"Did he ask for me?"

Xiao Shun Zi gave her as weary a look as he could allow himself to. "You know he would not, Ge Ge. But that doesn't mean he doesn't need you right now."

She hesitated. She knew she wanted to be there to comfort him, and quite frankly, she knew he wanted it too, even if he wouldn't admit it then. But could she actually _be_ comfort, or just a reminder of what he'd just lost?

"Ge Ge, it's been a very long day, and Wu Ah Ge will need to eat and rest, but I highly doubt he will allow himself to do either unless you make him," Xiao Shun Zi said, too honestly, if truth be told, when she didn't do anything.

Xiao Yan Zi almost smiled. It was a truth silently acknowledged, though not said out loud, that when it came down to it, her servants' loyalty was _hers _alone and it was the same with his. Xiao Shun Zi and Xiao Gui Zi would never tattle or otherwise gossip about him to her, but it was clear that they were not above enlisting her help when their attempts at managing him fell flat.

"How's – " She left her question hanging, because she wasn't sure she wanted the answer, but felt herself compelled to ask after Zhi Hua anyway.

"She's sleeping now. The physician gave her something to help her sleep, and it's unlikely she will wake before the morning."

So Xiao Yan Zi made her way to the study where her husband was, and found him lying on the divan, eyes closed. She knew he could hear her enter, and even if he didn't, the click of her shoes as she approached him would have been enough. She sat down at the edge of the divan beside him.

He didn't open his eyes to look at her, which in itself was enough to give her a fair assessment of the state of his emotions. With his eyes closed, he should look like he was sleeping, especially when he gave no indication that he was aware she was even in the room, but Xiao Yan Zi had never seen him look more tired…and defeated. She was almost afraid at what she would find when he did finally open his eyes.

She placed a hand to his cheek, not entirely sure how he would take her touch. Her gentle caress did eventually bid him to open his eyes and she saw there all the emotions that she wished she did not know, that she wished she had never seen him show before and never should again. But this time, it was even worst, for along with the pain – the wretchedly expected pain – there was rage, and she knew this rage was solely directed at himself.

"_Oh, Yong Qi_."

Her heart ached at the sight of him like this, and she had no idea what she was supposed to say to him at that moment. She became even more acutely aware that nothing would help – not the flowery expressions that she had tried so hard to learn for him and was finally seemingly making a headway, nor even her frank, blunt opinion of the matter, which if things were different, she probably would have expressed already.

Yong Qi sat up wearily, shifted in so that there was more room for her, let her wrap her arms around him and nestled his head against her shoulder. The very fact that he allowed her comfort then, and so very readily permitted himself to lean on her betrayed his exhaustion.

He wasn't inclined to speak, and she didn't know what to say, so they remained like this for a long time. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, but she wished she could do something to stop him hurting. She felt as if she could hear the pain in every breath he took, and realised, for him, this time it was worst than before because of the guilt he had put upon himself. (She didn't know it was possible to hurt more than it did before.) She wondered if he knew that it broke her heart as much as it did his, and that she, too, wished it could be different.

"It's not your fault," she whispered finally, because there came a point when she couldn't bear it anymore. She wanted to say more, to tell him of her suspicions, but wouldn't they just seem petty and like salt to the wound now?

She felt him become still in her arms, as if he was holding his breath, but his tightened grip on her arm told her already that he disagreed with her.

She pulled away in order to be able to look him in the eyes. "Would blaming yourself make it hurt less?"

"No," he finally spoke, his voice hoarse, "but it doesn't mean it's not true."

Xiao Yan Zi placed her hands against his cheeks and rested her forehead against his. His eyes slid closed at the touch, but she spoke anyway. "You didn't want this, you couldn't have foreseen this. You didn't reach out and push her in cold blood so how is blaming yourself going to make anything different?"

He opened his eyes and gave her a weak smile, before taking her hands in his. When he did speak again, it wasn't in answer to her words. "You don't have to do this, you know."

"Do what?"

"Be here, try and comfort me, feel all this…"

"Stop!"

"What?"

"Stop, before you say something that probably will make me slap you."

He looked up at her questioningly, and she wondered if he really believed that she could distance herself away from it all, or he was just not thinking straight.

"Don't you dare think that I can choose to ignore your pain tonight, Yong Qi," she said. "Don't you _dare _believe that I can choose to not feel this pain with you. I would _never, never _have hoped for this – "

"I know," he cut her off. "I know because you love me that this whole day brings you no comfort, and even otherwise, that you could never be heartless enough to feel anything but sorrow. I just – "

He trailed off with a frown, and Xiao Yan Zi waited a few beats, before prompting, "Darling?"

"I feel very…self-indulgent, allowing myself to have your comfort at this time. Any comfort at all seems so…so very cruel, to _her, _and comfort from you seem even more so."

Xiao Yan Zi knew it was grief and exhaustion that allowed him to say this so candidly to her. Part of her was almost surprised to find herself free from the usual knee-jerk reaction to any indication that he cared for Zhi Hua at all. She welcomed this freedom, though, because it allowed her to focus on Yong Qi now. Despite all his words, he needed her now, and he could try to half-heartedly push her away all he wanted, she would not abandon him to a hurt that she only understood too well.

She took his hand and pressed a kiss on it. "Well, I don't care whether it's self-indulgent or not. What I do know is that I need to bully you into eating something and getting some rest. Do you want to do that voluntarily or will I really have to resort to the bullying part?"

This drew out a slightly more genuinely smile from him, but he shook his head. "I'm not hungry."

"You haven't eaten anything all day. You need to eat something, Yong Qi," she said gently.

"Right now," he said wearily, "I just want to close my eyes and sleep until the end of forever."

"Just something light."

"Xiao Yan Zi, please."

The tug-of-war went on for a few more minutes until she eventually won and he agreed to swallow some soup. It wasn't hard, then, to persuade him to get some rest in a real bed.

When she made to leave him to get some sleep, he held onto her hand. "Stay with me."

She sat down on the bed beside him, unsure of what to expect. Before, when the night came down and their loss finally became real to them, he had held her tightly as she cried. But that had been_ their _losses, and she had clung to him in those times because he had been the only thing that kept the rest of the world real to her, to keep it all from disappearing into her pain. She wished to be this for him, but didn't know how to balance between his grief and making it seem like she was taking advantage of it.

He pulled her down with him in another silent request. Sharp kisses, too frantic and far from his usual tenderness, left her in no doubt of what he wanted…_needed_. There was probably a million reasons why this wasn't the time, a million reasons for her to pull away, knowing that he would not push her further if she did. But Xiao Yan Zi pushed all those reasons aside and let herself fall into his fevered touches, thinking, what was their marriage bed if not where they shared all their deepest emotions? Those emotions, now, were far from idyllic…but they were real, they were such a part of them…

It was too desperate and too hurried, too much and too little at the same time, with too many things unsaid for fear of adding to the pain. It was simply an attempt to drown in the dark, to forget, but if somehow taking out his grief on her body could allow him some comfort, she would not deny it of him. She allowed him his reign wholeheartedly. There was time for love, and they have had plenty of that, but there was time for this, too.

He would hate himself come morning, probably would feel even worst for what he would perceive as using her, regardless of how willing a participant she was. She would have to talk him out of it all…_somehow_; Heaven helped her, because she was rubbish at reasoning with him on things like this. She might just probably end up kissing him to get him to shut up, and in the end, perhaps because of all that, nothing would have been better at all. Then again, she never expected it to be better so soon, and this pain had always been nothing if not confusing and messy anyway.

* * *

In the days that followed, Xiao Yan Zi went out of her way to avoid Zhi Hua (well, more than usual, in any case). She couldn't trust herself from avoiding confronting the truth behind the baby's premature birth otherwise. She wondered if she would ever dare tell Yong Qi what she suspected. She hated that he was blaming himself for something that she was almost sure was not his fault, but the truth would not alleviate any pain. It would probably just hurt him in another way.

She wondered if, to Zhi Hua, it was worth it. Xiao Yan Zi was sure that it wasn't part of Zhi Hua's plans to lose the baby, and likely the girl was too confident in her smooth pregnancy to realise how so very easily that little life could slip through your fingers. One moment there, full of life, a warmth in your heart, and then the next – nothing. Xiao Yan Zi didn't doubt that the pain she felt now was genuine. She did wonder, however, whether Zhi Hua could bear to call the time and concern Yong Qi placed upon her now the silver lining, as if any joy could be found in a loss like this.

In the beginning, it was easy enough, to escape a room whenever Zhi Hua came in. It seemed that Zhi Hua had the same intention. They managed a whole month of turning abruptly and walking the other way, ducking into rooms to escape each other or hastily fleeing the room the moment they catch sight each other. This equaled a whole month of communicating solely through curt nods, averting gazes and probably three stock phrases (not that this was exactly a change from how it was before).

There came a day, however, when Xiao Yan Zi came upon Zhi Hua standing in the middle of the room that was meant to be the nursery. Xiao Yan Zi knew regret when she saw it. A mind-numbingly confusing mixture of pity and anger filled her, and again, she was reminded of the fact that she would never, ever understand how Zhi Hua's mind worked.

Zhi Hua had her back to the door, so she didn't notice Xiao Yan Zi until she spoke.

"How could you do it?"

The words were simple enough, but they had been on Xiao Yan Zi's mind for so long, she could not help voicing them. She had no expectation that Zhi Hua would answer her, or even admit to knowing what Xiao Yan Zi had suspected.

Zhi Hua turned abruptly around and for a long moment, they simply stared at each other. There was nothing but raw emotion from Zhi Hua now, and even if she had not said anything, Xiao Yan Zi knew they understood each other, and that, for once, so very rarely, they were laying out all their cards before each other.

It was because of this that when Zhi Hua remained silent and tried to brush past Xiao Yan Zi to leave the room, she held her back.

"_How_?"

A closed-off mask fell over Zhi Hua's features and she struggled against Xiao Yan Zi's grip. "Please let me go."

It occurred to Xiao Yan Zi that, in the whole course of their knowing each other, this was probably the most sincere thing Zhi Hua ever said to her. This made the entire situation so much more absurd, because Xiao Yan Zi had never gone out of her way to initiate contact with Zhi Hua like this either.

"Not until you answer me."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You know very well what I'm talking about!" Xiao Yan Zi almost growled.

Zhi Hua stopped struggling, but she didn't turn around to look at Xiao Yan Zi again either. They stood there in the doorway, the question hanging between them. She could feel the pain palpable from Zhi Hua and wondered if she was simply being vindictive. But so was the pain Zhi Hua had put Yong Qi through.

When it became clear that Xiao Yan Zi really had no intention of letting her go before there was an answer, Zhi Hua turned to her and said with an uncharacteristic closed-off expression, "Why do you care?"

"_Excuse me_?"

"Why would you care? You are glad, I am sure."

For a moment, Xiao Yan Zi could only gape at her.

"I have never been so honest as I am now when I tell you that I am _not _glad."

"You should be. You cannot tell me that you aren't relieved that you are not the only who failed – "

Xiao Yan Zi felt like she could strangle Zhi Hua for even going down that path.

"You think this is about _failure_?" she asked, furious. "Is that all the child was to you? A prize to be won, a score against me?"

Zhi Hua could not keep her voice calm either. "How dare you! It breaks my heart that I lost him, because he was my son, but you cannot say that you ever wanted him to exist, that you are not a little bit rejoiced that he no longer does."

"He was the child, the flesh and blood of the man I _love, _you spoiled _little girl_!" Xiao Yan Zi said in a disgusted tone. "Perhaps you think so little of me that you assume I can be glad at the death of a child, but don't _you _dare think that I could, in any way, find comfort in Yong Qi's pain!"

The mention of Yong Qi seemed to have been sufficient enough to shame Zhi Hua, because she stayed silent. Her lips were pressed tightly together in an attempt to not cry. For that, Xiao Yan Zi could not blame her. She didn't think she could deal with Zhi Hua's tears at that moment either.

"I would not have harmed him, you know," Xiao Yan Zi said, softly, sadly. "Despite what women in this court might be pushed to do, I would never have thought about causing any harm to him. I could never cause Yong Qi that much hurt. But clearly you do not have so many scruples."

"Easy for you to say when he spends all of his time seeking a balm for that hurt in your arms," Zhi Hua said.

Was this just bitterness talking or did Zhi Hua honestly think that any of this could possibly be _easy _for her? As much as the child, in the brief days when he lived, reminded her of her own losses, his passing had only served to carve that reminder even more painfully into her heart.

"Has it ever occurred to you that he thinks he cannot face you right now? That he blames himself and that he thinks seeing him would cause you more pain? He's treated you like spun glass this entire month, fearing anything he says even in comfort could hurt you. And yet you repay his consideration with allowing him to continue to believe that he was at fault for something that, at best, would be an accident."

Up this close, Xiao Yan Zi could see the way Zhi Hua was clenching her jaws together and she was surprised she could not hear the sound of her teeth grinding together.

"I did not say anything when you convinced Lao Fo Ye that I tried to push you when Yong Qi was away," she continued when Zhi Hua would not say anything, "because nothing bad happened and it wasn't as if Lao Fo Ye would believe me anyway. But you are wrong if you think I can stay silent when it has come to this, and Yong Qi blames himself for it. He did not push you, but that fall wasn't an accident either, was it?"

"If you are so sure, why haven't you told him?"

"It is not something that he should hear from me! And you know damn well if I were to tell him, his first instinct would be to deny that it could be true because he can't bear to think it of you. Blaming himself is safer and less grief to him than blaming you."

"Then why are we having this conversation?"

"Because I want you to admit it, to yourself, and then to him. You owe him that much. And deny it all you want, you owe yourself that much, too."

"I do not have anything to admit," Zhi Hua said gruffly after a prolonged silence.

Xiao Yan Zi sighed. "You keep telling yourself that. But you know what, the saddest thing is, you never had to do all that to get his attention. You were going to have his first born child. Son or daughter, whatever his feelings might be, he would never be inconsiderate enough to ignoreyou or treat the child with anything but love."

"And you say that with such calmness."

Xiao Yan Zi gave her a humourless smile. "Now, perhaps. Either way, I am capable of denial, but I am not yet delusional. I cannot deny it would have hurt, but I cannot say that I would have begrudged him. I would pity you but you probably do not want me to. Other women have rivals to bring calamity to them when they are pregnant, yet you, who have none who would go through such lengths, have to bring it on to yourself."

There was a beat when apparently Zhi Hua could not think of anything to say. Then, finally, she made to brush past Xiao Yan Zi again. "You have no proof of anything."

"When you say that, it is proof enough," Xiao Yan Zi said softly, almost to herself, but she let Zhi Hua go nonetheless.

She expected Zhi Hua to disappear and the two of them go back to their existence of avoiding each other, this time with even more diligence. What she did not expect was for Zhi Hua to have gone barely five steps, then stopped and gasped, "Yong Qi! You are home early."

_Oh for the love of all things good! _It was probably too much to hope that Yong Qi did not hear at least half of their conversation, which was never Xiao Yan Zi's intention. She was almost scared to turn around to see the expression that would be on her husband's face then.

"Is that true?" he asked. There was a desperation in his voice that Xiao Yan Zi had never heard before. This was a time, she knew, when he would wish to high Heaven that the answer he got would not be an affirmative.

"Yong Qi - " Zhi Hua started feebly, probably ready to divert his attention or deny things or – whatever, Xiao Yan Zi didn't want to be here for this. She didn't even turn around, because she didn't think she could face Yong Qi and whatever expression on pain on his face right now; he probably didn't need to meet her eyes then either. She just walked rapidly down the hallway and escaped into her room, shutting the door tight, with no intention of coming out until whatever storm that was brewing blew over.

* * *

For once, Yong Qi found his attention focused solely on Zhi Hua, and barely noticed when Xiao Yan Zi fled the scene.

"Is it true?" he asked again, when Zhi Hua trailed off. "You harmed yourself on purpose to get my attention?"

"No, no, of course not! How could you think that I could – "

Half-truths and twisted words were one thing, but Zhi Hua was hopeless when it came to outright lies. So it took every shred of self-control Yong Qi had to keep his anger at bay. He could not allow himself to think about it too much yet. He wasn't sure how he would react to it.

"Do not lie to me, Zhi Hua, not about this, of all things!"

"I'm not!"

"Swear it! Swear on his memory that you did nothing to harm him, that you fell by accident, or that I accidentally pushed you!"

"I – "

She only had to hesitate for a second, and it was a second enough.

Obviously realising that she could lie no longer, and that all she'd done was clear to him, Zhi Hua fell to her knees before him and gripped his hand desperately. He instinctively jerked it away from her grasp. He did not think he could bear her touch at that moment. When she had started crying, he did not notice, but he wished her tears could move him to feel pity for her. The truth was, her very regret now made the entire act so much worst. How could she had not seen this coming? How could she even think about such a thing at all? What was _worth _this loss?

"Please, Yong Qi, I never intended for it to go this far," she cried and as sincere as Yong Qi believed she was being, it hardly helped.

"No, you intended it to go far enough, and that is the point," he said coldly.

Suddenly he found he could no longer stay here, not in this hallway in front of the room where his son died barely a month earlier, because of the foolishness of the mother. He could not stay and look at her. It wasn't hyperbolic to say that every look at her now caused him pain. He turned abruptly and walked out of Jing Yang Gong, ignoring the desperate and increasingly distraught calls she sent after him. He had to get away, out of the house, because he wasn't sure even the sight of Xiao Yan Zi could do anything to lessen the feelings that were overwhelming him.

Now that he knew exactly what caused Zhi Hua to go into labour early, a blinding sense of injustice swept over him. He didn't know what he was supposed to with that information, with Zhi Hua now. It was clear that he would never look at her the same, never stop being wary of her, of what she could do next. He could not see a future when he could convince himself to forgive her, even when telling himself that it was painful for her, too.

Yong Qi never thought a betrayal from Zhi Hua could hurt this much. He had always thought you actually had to care about the person you were betrayed by for it to hurt. But this wasn't a case about caring about her too much. It was because he cared too much about what was lost by her betrayal. And how could he not? It was his son, perhaps not made by love, but _still._

For Xiao Yan Zi and him, the times when they realised there was a child had both been the times when they realised that they had lost it. The pain had always reigned supreme; there was never time for anticipation, for joy, for _hope. _He had thought this was different, so different that it along with the hope was a sense of regret and guilt that he could not share it with Xiao Yan Zi. He was even less comfortable confiding it in Zhi Hua. Still, those hopes, those dreams did exist. It hurt now to know that it had all shattered, and _like this_.

Xiao Yan Zi was right. It was easier to blame himself. Knowing now that he should blame Zhi Hua just made him feel like a fool, because he never expected she would be capable of this, when perhaps he should have. The conversation they had that day made it clear that she would not be content to accept this indifference to her. To think she was capable of this only brought on fear about what she would do in the future…to a child that was not hers. Was he to be forever on his guard around her? What kind of life was that? What was left of them now – as if there was ever anything that was _them _before?

* * *

It was clear to Xiao Yan Zi that even the long ride he had did nothing to bring him any sense of calm. Back in the confines of their room later that night, he seemed restless, and she knew it would be a long time before this feeling of pain and anger begin to ebb. She wasn't even sure it _could, _with Zhi Hua so very close by.

"If you suspected all along, why didn't you say anything?" he demanded angrily, after circling the room for the dozenth time and she had only watched him silently.

Though she knew it wasn't anger directed at her, for a moment, Xiao Yan Zi couldn't help feeling hurt for his tone. Perhaps it was because of this that she couldn't answer for a while, and that when she did answer, it was snarky instead of sympathetic.

"I suppose I could have said something along the lines of: _Hey, I know your son just died, and I know you're really sad and I don't have proof, but I think it was because your other wife decided to be stupid and throw herself against furniture to gain your attention, so you shouldn't blame yourself or anything_."

As soon as the flippant words were out of her mouth, Xiao Yan Zi immediately regretted them, and the stricken look on Yong Qi's face didn't help. Sometimes, she hated how her mouth ran away with her.

"I'm sorry," she hastened to add. "That was…stupid, I was being stupid. I don't mean to rub it in. I just - "

Yong Qi just gave a heavy sigh and closed his eyes. She could see him taking shallow breaths and visibly trying to calm himself. "I suppose I see your point. It wasn't your truth to confess and anything else would have been an accusation. You were in an awkward enough position _without _this and I can't expect you to – "

"Yong Qi!"

He stopped talking and looked at her.

"_I'm sorry_. I didn't mean to make light of it. Especially now."

"I know," he said softly, taking her hand. The contact reassured her a little that he wasn't really angry at her for the childish and inappropriate remark. In fact, as angry as he sounded just a moment ago, all trace of it was gone now, as he spoke to her. "I should not take my anger out on you. It's been very hard on you, I know. I've depended on you for comfort and you haven't complained, and for that, I am grateful."

She shook her head and pulled him close. "I would never complain when you need me. Don't think that you need to be strong for me all the time, Yong Qi. It's been hard and painful for everyone, but never doubt that I love you enough to bear this with you."

"You shouldn't have to," he said, but holding on to her nonetheless. In her arms, some semblance of balance and control seemed to return, because though his grip was tight, his breathing was more relaxed.

"What are you going to do?" Xiao Yan Zi asked tentatively.

She herself could not imagine what could be done in this situation. Everyone has already felt the loss, Zhi Hua most of all. Even if Yong Qi could not forgive her, no punishment really could be as painful as the one she was already going through now.

"I don't know," Yong Qi said, sounding tired. He let go of her, sat down on the divan and poured himself a cup of tea, gulping it down like it was wine, showing no sign that it was hot and must have burned. Xiao Yan Zi winced mentally at the thought that physical pain was more preferable to him now. She wondered if she should bring out the actual wine. "I almost want to let Huang Ah Ma and Lao Fo Ye know. At least it would allow Lao Fo Ye to see who she was really putting her faith into. And yet, at the same time, I can't bear to put that burden on them."

She sat down beside him and rested her head against his shoulder. "Let's just not do anything rash, all right?"

That managed to draw a weak chuckle from him. "Bit rich, coming from you."

Another time, she would have laughed. "Yeah, yeah, I know," she said in a tone that was meant to be nonchalant but didn't manage it. When he didn't say anything else, she continued, "I just meant, you're angry now, and you shouldn't do something you'd regret later."

He turned, pulled her close and buried his face in the curve of her neck.

"The thing is…even just being angry at her is difficult," Yong Qi said, "because it still involves thinking about her and what she did. I wish I could not _care, _not about her, about what she did, what it resulted in…"

If there was anything Xiao Yan Zi understood, it was this. Feeling sorry for Zhi Hua was a sensation that Xiao Yan Zi wasn't sure she liked. She would have rather she could just mindlessly resent her like before.

They had both known that when Yong Qi married Zhi Hua, it wasn't because of Zhi Hua or for Zhi Hua. Still, he was never quite indifferent to her either. Before, there had always been the nagging guilt that she would never be happy, that he could never really keep his end of the bargain. Yong Qi had never before gone right out to state that this guilt was a burden on him. Xiao Yan Zi supposed, instinctively, she always knew it was, but she just chose to push the knowledge away, as she always did with most things pertaining to _feelings about Zhi Hua_. But at times when other emotions were overwhelming enough for him to admit it like this, she, too, wished that Yong Qi could be selfish and callous enough to not feel anything at all. It would be less stress and more simple for them all. The web of emotions they were all caught in now didn't seem like it would ever be untangled.

* * *

The problem with this tangled web is that they would ask themselves what was to be done, how they should feel, how they should try to feel, but in the end, there was never any answer. There was only hurt, regret and loss.

Yong Qi literally did not speak a single word to Zhi Hua in the month that followed. Zhi Hua, at least, seemed to understand that his silence was warranted, and did not seek him out or stay long in his presence. Still, the coldness and the silence chilled Xiao Yan Zi and several times, she ended up trying to make small talk with Zhi Hua just to make any time the three of them find themselves trapped together less agonising. Zhi Hua did not seem too eager to talk to her though, so usually her attempt to make things less cold was never quite successful.

For Yong Qi's part, he knew it was difficult on Xiao Yan Zi, who could not take the awkwardness, the ice, who always craved to be happy, but he did not know how else to deal with this. He did not trust himself to initiate any contact with Zhi Hua. It was a wonder enough that could stand knowing that she was always only a couple of rooms away.

Xiao Yan Zi supposed it was rather incredible that they could live together like this at all. That was not even to mention the fact that Lao Fo Ye and Huang Ah Ma were still in the dark about what really happened. Somehow, their elders did not notice that the gloom that hung over the three of them was not quite what it was made out to be. Then again, considering just how much they have been keeping from them – Huang Ah Ma, especially – since the beginning of this whole _thing _that brought Zhi Hua into their lives in the first place, perhaps she shouldn't be surprised that they can choose to ignore things that didn't seem right for explanations that were wrong but seemed right.

She was sure Qing Er noticed the subtle changes though, and even if she did not ask, Xiao Yan Zi still caught worried looks directed their way. She did not know how to reassure Qing Er that everything was all right, especially when things _weren't _all right at all. She supposed Zi Wei would be even more worried and try to get the situation out of her if she was not still in mourning over Er Kang.

The truth was, when her brother arrived in Beijing with speculations that Er Kang might be alive in Burma, it was a blessed relief in more ways than one. It at least provided Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi with a distraction, something else to think about, to talk about. Conversation was no longer just contrived to keep away other things they could be feeling.

It was still a bit a shock and surprise, however, when Yong Qi asked her once they had decided that they would go to Burma to rescue Er Kang.

"What if we were not to come back?"

"What?"

He did not repeat it, but just looked at her. She did not know how to answer, and whether she should even let herself think about the possibility at all.

"You would leave…_now?_ _Her? Everything?" _she asked haltingly.

"Just a thought," he said softly.

She could not consider it yet, because to open herself up to the idea seemed almost like setting herself up for disappointment later. He could not be thinking straight. There was so much more at stake now than when they decided to leave years ago.

"Yong Qi," she said gently, "we promised not to do anything rash."

"It's not rash," he said gruffly. "I didn't just come up with the idea, you know. And now we have a reason to go. Do you not want to?"

"I – I wouldn't be able to bear seeing you regret it later."

He gave her a small smile. "I could never regret being where you are."

She did not doubt that he was sincere, but that didn't mean the reasons for it now was sound. "This isn't about me…you didn't think about this because of me. It's because of what happened, what Zhi Hua did."

"No, it is about you. To stay here, knowing what she would do, what she _could _do, is putting you in danger. Especially when she still holds the truth about your parents over our heads. I had hoped...trusted her, before, to keep it, to not harm you. But I can't anymore. It terrifies me to think of what she could do to you."

"I am not that easily bullied, you know."

"Of course not. But that doesn't mean she won't try. And it's the trying that scares me. And I don't know how I can live with that indefinitely."

She stayed silent, because she never thought it would come to this. Before, any thoughts of leaving had been hers. Even with everyone that had been going on lately, she had not even thought about it. Leaving no longer seemed like an option these past couple of years when it became clear just how much Huang Ah Ma depended on Yong Qi, and where he was heading in the wider context of the court. Leaving stopped being option when he was going to have a child. But that child was gone now. If there were children to consider, they would only have to consider their own, future ones, though by now, Xiao Yan Zi had learnt to not put too much hope in that possibility.

Xiao Yan Zi never dared to think leaving was an option now that there was Zhi Hua. He had given her enough reasons why they could consider it now. But she didn't want to feel like something like this, something that should be about them, would also be considered a punishment for Zhi Hua.

Somehow, in the years that they had been married, she had came to understand what being married to a prince really meant, and had grown accustomed to it – well, as accustomed as it was possible for her to be. She had resigned herself to the truth that this was where he was meant to be, and it was here that he could do what he was born to do, and that she loved him enough to be here with him.

When she did not say anything for a long time, he pulled her into his arms and placed a kiss on her forehead. She knew he understood the conflict that was going through her now, because surely it was his own, too. They would not – should not – make that decision now.

"Just think about it," he whispered.

Of course they would need to think about it.

In the end, however, there was never time. Everything that happened after that threw all their attempts at thinking rationally and planning into chaos (but wasn't that usually the case?).

Zhi Hua somehow overheard their plans, and her retaliation had been to tell Huang Ah Ma the truth about Xiao Yan Zi's family, right at the same time that Zi Wei and Xiao Jian had come into the palace to tell him about the plan to rescue Er Kang. Later, Xiao Yan Zi would wonder how both she and Yong Qi managed to not get back at _her_ by telling Huang Ah Ma exactly what Zhi Hua did. She wondered if Zhi Hua thought that was what they'd do too, and that was why she preempted them by telling their secret.

Needless to say, what came after was something like a minor disaster that ended in Lao Fo Ye probably never forgiving Xiao Yan Zi and her brother from their decidedly half-hearted and doomed-to-fail attempts at revenge, and Yong Qi probably never forgiving Zhi Hua for pushing them into that state in the first place.

There was no time; Er Kang was in unknown danger the more they delayed. So in the end, leaving had been decided with a lot less reasonable thoughts than probably was wise. Though, to be fair, the "never coming back" part was more implied and never said out loud, and if somehow, during this trip, they thought the better of it, coming back was still an option. At the time, it seemed like the best option…the only option.

And to think, through it all, Xiao Jian, Qing Er and Zi Wei thought that the only thing Zhi Hua did was to reveal the secret, putting Xiao Yan Zi in danger. Neither Yong Qi nor Xiao Yan Zi felt like getting into the details when they were still trying to get to Er Kang as fast as possible.

It was not until it was all over, when Er Kang was safe and they should all be thinking about getting back, that the subject was brought up between them.

"You really would not come back?" Er Kang asked, shocked.

"I really don't think I can live with what Zhi Hua's done."

Four sets of eyes stared at him at the anguish and vehemence in his tone while Xiao Yan Zi tried not to look at them, and just reached over to take his hand in comfort.

"What happened?" Qing Er asked softly. "It's more than what she revealed. There's been _something _from even before those last few days we were in Beijing."

Yong Qi stood up abruptly and left the room. Xiao Yan Zi wished she could go after him, but she knew he was silently asking her to tell them everything. Things that they had kept silent about, because it was too much pain to talk about. Things that, even now, he could not think about without hurting.

She did not look forward to this explanation, but what did that matter?

So she told them, and there were vague reproofs of "why didn't you tell us earlier", sympathy anger and just plain sympathy, which really should be put more to Yong Qi but really wouldn't help in any way.

"So, yeah, not going back."

They did not put up arguments after this. Er Kang only said, "Well, as long as both of you are sure this is what you want."

Xiao Yan Zi didn't quite manage to answer. If she was truthful with herself, considering everything that would be left behind, it was a decision that she didn't think could ever be categorised as _what they wanted._


	42. Marriage

**XLI. ****Marriage**

* * *

_Marriage, Zi Wei soon found, consisted of putting up with your significant other's habits from dawn to dusk. Every single day._

* * *

It became clear to Zi Wei within ten days after the wedding that admirable as Er Kang was in many ways, he was still a man who grew up in a very well-off family, subjected almost daily to the care of an affectionate and perhaps even indulgent mother and an army of servants. While this certainly didn't mean that he was tyrannical spoiled brat in any way, it did mean that, Er Kang had the habit of assuming he could set down a tea cup, or a book, or a sword, or a piece of clothing in any given place and somehow the item would magically be moved to its properly storage space so that when he next needed it, it would be in the right place for him to find it.

In other words, he was _messy._

She would have thought, having lived here before coming into the palace, she should know this about him. But before, she was still in a completely different quarter, and had never set foot in his room.

So it was a surprising frustration and annoyance that Zi Wei felt when she spent a better half of a morning looking for a book that _she _was reading in their bedroom, only to find it later in the day somehow in an entirely different room altogether, and then to realise she had lost her place in it because, later still, she found the string marking her page under the pillow instead…

That wasn't even to mention how she found herself forever tripping over things: a chair out of place, because he had pushed it away from the table to stand up and did not push it back; a saucer on her dressing table where the maid had handed him a cup of tea when he stood by her, but the cup itself was on the opposite side of the room because he had wandered away and set it down there when he finished; writing brush left still resting on the inkwell, not back in its holder like it should be, long after he had left the writing table; clothes casually strewn on the back of chairs…

Note to self: it wasn't the servants' fault that they couldn't follow their master's every step to pick up after him the moment he put something not in its proper place. This was especially true when they preferred to keep the servants out of their room for the well-deserved privacy of a newly-wed couple.

Solution one: Leave it and call or wait for the servants to come and clear up.

Solution two: Clear up herself, because it was quicker, and surely even the servants must have better things to do.

More often than not, Zi Wei found herself opting for solution two.

At first, Er Kang didn't notice this and assumed that his room was cleaned by fairies in the seconds when he turned his back as usual. (Or saints, as must the maids of Xue Shi Fu be, for putting up with it all for so long!)

Then, one morning, he stared at the open closet where their clothes were set neatly, casually flipped through a few shirts, leaving them to fall back on the shelves slightly mussed and askew (_Zi Wei sighed_) then turned to her and asked whether she had seen his blue waistcoat.

"No, I have not!" she said, sharper than usual. "You probably left it somewhere. Maybe it got thrown away." Then she turned back to pinning her hair.

"Thrown away?" he asked, affronted. "Who would do that?"

"My mother would have! If I did not pick up after myself and put away my own clothes and books, my mother would have given them to poor children!"

He looked genuinely confused at this brand of education that she apparently received. "What on earth would Jin Suo do that she would not do that for you?"

Zi Wei put down her hair comb and snapped the box holding it shut more forcefully than was necessary and turned to him with an annoyed look. She opened her mouth to answer, but then closed it again and stood up. "Oh forget it!" she said, and left the room.

Wandering the garden, she wondered why the whole concept bothered her so much. It couldn't have been because it showed a fault to her new husband that she did not wish to see. She always knew, however subconsciously, that he could not be perfect. He was quick to anger and too proud, sometimes losing his cool head totally in the process. The very instincts that allowed him to react quickly in life-or-death situations could also make him react far too seriously to more trivial matters.

And yet all that did not bother her as much as his inability to comprehend that tidiness didn't happen by magic. Maybe it was because she was fed up with bumping into open drawers that he couldn't be bothered to close. Perhaps it was because she was assaulted with this fault in almost every moment of their daily life. The more frustrating thing was, he _liked _his rooms to be neat and tidy, but would depend on others to clean up after him, and could not take a second to put things back to the proper places himself.

His assumption that Jin Suo did every little thing for her was born of a ridiculously entitled mindset. She didn't always have Jin Suo and even when Jin Suo was there, she might help cook and with general cleaning around the house, but she was always younger than Zi Wei. Zi Wei certainly never expected Jin Suo to follow her every step to cap her writing brush or make sure her socks were always in a pair.

To some extent, Zi Wei tried to understand that it was all ingrained habit, result of the style of life to which he had always been accustomed, and he was not being demanding of the servants for the sake of it. Still, it was a life style that had never been natural to her, not even after this past year of having servants to wait on her hand and foot.

_How _Er Kang had managed while they were on the run outside the palace without servants to pick up after him, Zi Wei had no idea. Granted, it was unlikely that Xiao Jian or Yong Qi or Liu Qing would have _cared _(they had more pressing things to worry about). Even then, she felt sorry for Xiao Jian and Liu Qing, who must have been the ones to tidy things up for Er Kang, as Yong Qi certainly would not.

The time outside cleared her head, though, and later in the evening, when they were back together in their room again, it was as if their little tension in the morning never happened (Er Kang had found the clothes he was looking for, most likely with the help of a servant, and the room was pristine, also with the help of a servant – or several).

It wasn't until several days later that the subject came up again. He did not say anything at first when she took the cloak he just randomly draped on a chair and shook it out, hanging it up a long with her own when they came into the room from the snow outside. He did stop her, however, when she started stacking the books he had left around the room into a pile to bring into the library to be put away. He lifted the pile of books from her and put them back down on the tea table.

"You don't need to do that," he said. "You can call the maids to put it away."

"For Heaven's sake, Er Kang, I am capable of putting the books away myself!" she exclaimed.

He frowned in confusion at her apparent anger. "Yes, of course, but you do not have to. We have servants for a reason."

"That doesn't mean I have to depend on them for every single tiny little thing! I can do things by myself, and you don't need to act like I'm too delicate for even just this!"

"Okay, why are you getting so angry?"

"Why not? Besides, if you put things away properly yourself more often, you would have an easier time finding them later and not be forever losing them! Do not expect _me _to look for your things when you cannot even recall where you've scattered them!"

"You are overreacting! Besides, you do not need to sound so condescending, Zi Wei, I am not a child!"

"You act like one sometimes!"

It was probably safe to say that the argument only got increasingly more senseless after that. In the end, he grudgingly and petulantly took the books to the library himself (she wonder whether he would actually put them away or would just end up leaving on a table for the servants to put away) and then disappeared for the rest of the day while she was left to try and not reveal to her mother-in-law that she'd just had an argument with her son barely half a month after the wedding. By the amused looks her mother-in-law gave her later, Zi Wei wasn't so sure she was successful in this aspect.

In the evening, he entered the bedroom while she tried to not notice by staring at her reflection in the mirror.

"Why are we fighting over something this stupid?" he asked when she stayed resolutely silent and did not greet him.

She sighed heavily and finally turned to him. "I don't know. It's just that I am not used to this chaos, Er Kang! I know everything gets cleaned up by the servants eventually, but still there will always be that space of time before they manage that and I can't deal with the mess in the meantime!"

"You really do feel that strongly about this then?" he asked, holding out his hand to her.

She slowly approached him and placed her hand in his. "Yes."

"Well," he said, pulling her down into his lap, "then I suppose I will just have to try and pick up after myself, or at least keep my messes out of your way. Please forgive me."

"No, I am sorry," Zi Wei whispered. "I do not mean to be so harsh with you so early into our marriage."

Er Kang smiled and kissed her softly. "Don't be sorry. Don't think that you cannot tell me what makes you unhappy. I just didn't realise such things could bother you so much. I will endeavour to be more tidy, but I may need a reminder every once in a while."

"Of course," she said, resting her head against his shoulder. "Be assured I will try to be gentler next time, too. I cannot bear it when we quarrel like that."

* * *

And yet, their first quarrel as husband and wife passed innocuously enough. As much as Zi Wei disliked it, however, it would certainly not be their last. The things they could argue about afterwards tended to be just as ridiculous. There were conflicts from big issues like whether she should assume the best in people, to place so much trust in new servants that they may not know yet, to excuse them when it was clear that they were taking advantage of her kindness, to intellectual and yet quite heated discussion of the relative merit of one poem compared to another, or to inexcusably stupid things like how he would kick her shoes under the bed when he got up and how annoying that was.

Even then, she had thought, the frequency of arguments would decrease as they got used to each other, but the arrival of children only taught her the opposite. From whether the baby was swaddled too tight, to whether it was too soon for their son to start martial arts lessons, to whose fault it was that he fell and twisted his ankle (and that was an argument that lasted longer than the time the child was in pain for the very minor injury), to how to take care of the children when they were ill, to whether he was overreacting over innocent attention that some Mongolian prince paid to their daughter…when it came to their children, it seemed they never lacked subjects upon which to disagree.

Yet, unlike what she thought when she was first married, these arguments were not bad things. They were annoying and frequently unpleasant, even when followed by sweet reconciliation, but they were a natural part of living with someone other than yourself, day in, day out. Even two people with such similar tastes as themselves could not be of the totally same disposition, and they could not agree always. Xiao Yan Zi would tell her later that total agreement might even make things rather dull. Sometimes Xiao Yan Zi did have a knack with coming up with these insightful observations, and in this case, Zi Wei could not help but think that what she said was very true indeed.

* * *

A/N: _OMG LOOK YOU GUYS SHE WROTE ABOUT ER KANG AND ZI WEI! _

Yeah. So I can't quite believe it either. But honestly, I've wanted to write this for a long time.

The thing that worries me about Er Kang and Zi Wei's relationship is how harmonious it's made out to be. Like they almost literally never fight (never mind Qing Er, that's a whole different thing). But the thing about being married and living with another person, seeing them everyday, is that you have to put up with them all the time. There's a reason it's called "fighting like an old married couple" - you fight about stupid things because there are stuff that are just there and you can't ignore it when everything is so in your face all the time. Even Er Kang and Zi Wei can't escape that. Hence this fic.


End file.
